


Nothing Serious

by clubchicken



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, PLEASE READ THE NOTES AT THE BEGINNING, Romance, Smut, just idol-actor!sehun and university student!luhan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2018-04-29 15:03:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 109,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5131973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clubchicken/pseuds/clubchicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan should’ve known better than to ask for honesty from idol-actor Oh Sehun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ. this is crossposted from aff. i am changing a few things, although they may not be noticeable at all. the story is marked trigger warning over at aff. none of the archive warnings apply afaik but it gets really... dark?? angsty?? sad?? at some point. here is a [list of warnings](https://docs.google.com/document/d/12p_fDh2zr9r011GtMaX9_6gaN6WRmigzklf6S4KY4a4/edit) that showed up thus far. the warnings do not really define the story but please do click the link and take note if you are extra sensitive with certain topics!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8.2k words

“So are you dating anyone right now?” the female interviewer asks, crossing her legs, revealing porcelain skin clad in a tight black skirt. If Luhan isn’t mistaken, she’s doing it on purpose. The camera focuses on the second-lead actor of the drama’s cast promoting on the late night show. He has his hair pushed back, tight jeans cover his long legs and a black turtleneck sweater concealing the bruising purple marks on his neck. Luhan knows this because he’s spent his whole day thinking about earlier morning when Sehun had woken him up to say goodbye with a kiss on the side of his lip. They ended up on the hardwood floor with Sehun on top of him going about it like the night before hadn’t drained all their energy up. He could still remember the way Sehun moaned when he attached his lips on the side of his neck several times before Sehun turned his ringing phone off and lifted Luhan up to the bed and proceeded to touch him in places he already knows would make the other weak.

He flashes a cheeky smile revealing high cheekbones, as if he’s thinking of the right words to say without screwing anything up. He shifts in his seat, fiddling with the wire of the lapel mic. “No one at the moment.” he finally says.

“I’m not either,” the interviewer blurts out drawing laughs from the set. _Is she even allowed to say that? Whatever happened to television professionalism._ Luhan notes how his skin is much more milky and smoother than hers. He’s glad the next question isn’t directed to Oh Sehun, watching the girl shamelessly flirt on national television sucked more energy he’d thought it would.

 _you never told me you were famous,_ he texts Sehun right after he turns the television off. The Sehun he knows told him he works in the entertainment industry. That he failed his first audition in SM Entertainment, and the next one after that before he started modeling for small advertisements and appearing as an extra in small CFs. He understands that he isn’t exactly lying. But still, an explanation was in order.

His phone beeps twice an hour later.

 _i can drop by yours by 11,_ the first one reads. _i can explain_

 _you better,_ he texts back. Not even five seconds later, his phone beeps and Luhan almost chokes on air reading it.

_i’ll be using my mouth ;)_

•••

Their relationship starts with nothing more than a shirtless Oh Sehun playing basketball by the Han River with some boys who probably don’t know or care that they’re around a person their little sisters would kill to even be graced with such presence.

Luhan was just passing by with a drink in his hand. Kim Minseok had rejected him for the nth time leaving him with a drink as a consolation to heal his broken heart. He doesn’t even feel the sting anymore like the first time Minseok had openly said _“I don’t like you at all in that way, Luhan. I hope you understand.”_

Except he doesn’t understand, there aren’t much people who don’t take interest in him especially when he’s been crushing on Minseok for the longest time even if he’s had flings here and there throughout. Kim Minseok was still the only one he wants to date so badly. _I just don’t understand,_ he thinks as he tips the bottle closer to his lips, his steps getting a little lighter with each step.

He’s a little tipsy but definitely not drunk enough to not stop and admire the beauty that is Oh Sehun.

“He’s such a babe,” Luhan mutters, momentarily forgetting the reason why he’s drinking in the first place. The thought’s been pushed at the back of his mind the moment his eyes drifted off to that one tall figure who has a way of moving that looked as if it's been beautifully choreographed and it doesn’t even look like he’s doing it on purpose. It's as if he hadn’t been stood up on a coffee date he had one-sidedly arranged with a cute post-it note on one of Minseok’s thick textbooks to meet him up in Kamong Cafe by two in the afternoon. He didn’t show up but he did text Luhan to say how he doesn’t understand why he still bothers to try when he’s certain that he’s never going to give Luhan a chance.

It didn’t help when it started to rain hard. The game didn’t end and he’s even sexier with his hair drenched wet and pushed back every twenty seconds or so when he uses his large hand to keep it from his eyes. He’s itching to run his hands through that firm chest. He’s no Kim Minseok who’s all eight-pack abs and muscled arms. But damn that body was either killing him or giving him life. He doesn’t know which, Luhan can’t decide.

“Fuck,” he whispers when he sees the sight of him running his hand down on his chest, dropping the half-empty bottle in the process. The glass shatters and the fall doesn’t bother him one bit. He’s not sure how near he is to the basketball court to have the very same man he’s been admiring to look at him after he dropped the bottle. His breath hitches just because his face is just as handsome as his body. His stare was intense and Luhan couldn’t help but stare back. It doesn’t last for more than three seconds but even when their eyes weren’t in contact anymore, He could still feel the aftereffects on him with the way his stomach’s flipping and his heart erratically beating.

He didn’t even notice that the game has already ended and Sehun’s making his way over to him with a tight black v-neck shirt on.

“Hello…” he says, voice laced with shyness. His stance awkward with one hand massaging the back of his neck as he looks back and forth at Luhan and his surroundings. The other however is clutching onto a navy blue umbrella, in which he holds out in front of Luhan before he ends up saying that comes out as a mumble, “thought you needed it.”

“Thanks.” Luhan says, pushing the umbrella up to shield them both from the cold droplets. He has to lift his arm up a little to accommodate the other’s tall stature.

“Uh, I’ll hold it for you…” he says, taking the handle from Luhan’s grip. _He’s so awkwardly cute._ They stay like that in silence walking aimlessly on the sidewalk with no destination in mind, minutes pass by and the rain doesn’t even show a single sign that it’s going to end soon.

“It doesn’t look like the rain’s going to stop any time soon.” Luhan says and what he’s about to say next isn’t too innocent (at least his underlying intentions aren’t). “you can stay by mine ‘til the rain stops, it’s only a five-minute cab ride.”

When they got inside the apartment, it was different. Gone was the boy who looked as if he was struggling to even offer an umbrella. Not with the way he’s all hands helping Luhan out of his wet sweater and shirt when Luhan had asked him to (which Luhan doesn’t even remember why exactly he’s asked for it, he blames the alcohol even when he knows he was sober enough at that time).

It didn’t even take them more than five minutes before they started making out with Luhan being pinned down against the wall of his bedroom with the two of them stripped down with nothing but their boxers on. He’s a writhing mess by the time they pull away and he’s begging for more of the taste of his lips than the air he’s supposed to be breathing.

“Tell me,” he says, grazing his lips on Luhan’s earlobe, His legs were jelly and he would’ve already fallen if the grip on his shoulder wasn’t tight. “what’s your name, pretty?”

“It’s Lu... Han.”

“Mine’s Oh Sehun. Keep that in mind.” he says before continuing to suck the crook his neck, carrying Luhan to the bed with the other’s legs wrapped around his waist.

Luhan wakes up the next morning alone. The only evidence of Oh Sehun being the umbrella, soiled sheets and a text message from his phone saying: _i had fun._

•••

It’s already 11:12 in the evening and Luhan has his eyes set on the door waiting for Sehun to barge in and explain why he just saw him promoting a drama on national television. He’s certain that Sehun had said that he works with small modeling and acting gigs since he failed his audition twice. His hands are itching to just type _Oh Sehun_ up on Naver Search but he’d rather wait for the man to explain himself.

Not long after, Sehun enters the apartment, pouncing on Luhan who is defenseless on the couch with his lips.

“Oh no no, not until you explain—“ Sehun doesn’t pay attention to Luhan’s words and continues to pepper him with small kisses all over his face, He has to stifle a laugh from coming out with the way his lips still tickle him no matter how familiar he is with the sensation. Luhan backs away putting one hand in between them. “Sehun, no.”

“But I told you that i’d be using my mouth.” Sehun says, pouting.

“You also told me you worked in the entertainment industry. I didn’t expect that you’d be so high up to be starring in a drama.” Luhan says, Sehun stops pouting and keeps a stoic face on. He moves a few inches away from Luhan looking at anything but Luhan.

“I didn’t tell you because I was honestly scared of how you’d react, thought maybe you’d run away. I didn’t want that.”

“I wouldn’t leave.” Luhan says truthfully. He lifts his hand up to meet with Sehun’s cheek, turning his face over to look at Sehun dead in the eye. His eyes don’t leave his hooded ones. In moments like these, Luhan wishes he'd know what the other has in mind. Most of the time, he could never tell.

They've only been unofficially dating for two weeks. Luhan could still remember how he called Sehun the same day and decided to meet at Sehun's huge penthouse the next day. It was too fast but Luhan didn't question it. Just like how he didn’t question the mornings, afternoons, and nights he had Sehun wrapped up under his cream duvet covers or sharing a bath in Sehun’s large hot tub for the last two weeks. Their meetings weren’t planned to have them stay at home, There were a number of moments when they had to cancel their dinner reservation and leave the movie tickets to waste just because they both can’t keep their hands off the moment they see each other. No matter how close they are in bed, it's still not enough to help him understand Sehun.

“You are so fucking pretty,” Sehun breathes, lifting Luhan up from the couch for a long kiss while seamlessly weaving his way to the bedroom he’s been into countless other times. He doesn’t even stop kissing Luhan until he’s successfully laid the both of them on the bed and he has to take his top off so Luhan could run his fingers on his torso just like how he knows he likes it.

“Tell me, does it change anything?” Sehun says, holding Luhan’s hand, taking control of it as it runs down his abdomen. He could feel Luhan visibly shiver underneath him. He smiles at this as he hooks the thumb of his free hand on Luhan’s boxers, slowly lowering it down until he’s completely bare underneath.

“Fuck, do you realize how hot roleplay sex would be?” Luhan gasps.

“I thought you liked it vanilla?”

“I do.” Luhan says, digging his fingers on the hollow of his collarbones. “But you being an actor is hot as fuck.”

Sehun stiffens, his grip on his hand loosens. “I’m not even an actor, I just started.” He pauses, eyes shifting from Luhan to the sheets an inch away from his eyes. “The role I have in Home of Friends is my first.” Sehun says in admittance. He almost looks nervous and helpless much like the first time they’ve met. “I’m actually an idol.”

“Oh,” Luhan says, pausing for a while. He doesn’t want to ask any further when he knows just how popular idols could get, having Sehun as an idol meant he’s even more famous than he initially thought he was. “which one?”

“EXO. Sen is my stage name.”

Luhan stills at the revelation, not fully taking the information in. A number of girls in his classes talk about EXO all the time. One of them even tried to get Luhan into said boyband. Byun Baekhyun’s been calling Sehun his baby when he fangirls over him if his choice of words were any giveaway (“Long legs with a beautiful waist that would look good wrapped with my legs. And his eyes, Luhan, the way he looks makes my body feel so alive. And his mole on his fucking sexy neck. God.”) How could he have not noticed that he had been bending over someone he had known all this time?

He feels the hand caressing his thigh. He almost twitches at this but then Sehun suddenly inches his fingers closer to his entrance. He hides his face on the pillow until Sehun turns his head to face him. His expression a complete opposite to what it looked like a minute ago. His tongue is poking out of his lips and his eyes are half-lidded and in a haze as he attempts to drown Luhan in them. He looks so eager to fuck Luhan until his legs go numb.

“Does it change anything? Me being an idol?” Sehun’s grip tightens his hold on his hand once again. His other hand massaging Luhan’s ass with slow movements, with his fingers rubbing on the slit of his ass every so often.

“It doesn’t,” Luhan says. Sehun teases him even further, putting one finger inside of him for a second before taking it out, “fuck.”

“That’s sad. I was hoping for something else...”

“Sehun… put it back.” Luhan begs, feeling his hole clench at the absence.

Sehun jerks his eyebrows upward, face masked with mock confusion. “Put what back?”

“You being an idol makes you even sexier,” Luhan says, sounding desperate. He doesn’t even care anymore, all he knows is that he needs Sehun to touch him. He can deal with the revelation later.

Sehun chuckles, letting go of Luhan’s hand to pinch his nose. “that’s more like it.”

Sehun’s gone before he wakes up the next day, Cold sheets replace the heat that was the both of them the night before. Luhan instinctively grabs the phone from his bedside drawer, fully aware that an unread message is sitting on his inbox waiting to be read. The text was sent five hours ago just before the sun has risen. Luhan’s always wondered why Sehun would leave so early in the morning. But now that he knows, he doesn’t know why he wishes the answer had been something else. With a sigh, Luhan opens the text.

_you were so good. see you wednesday night._

•••

Luhan spends a few minutes lying down on the bed as he scrolls past the messages Sehun has sent him in the entire duration of their so-called relationship.  _last night was great. i like you the best when when you’re underneath me and begging for it. although you riding on my cock with that tight ass of yours comes close. cant wait to fuck you tonight._ He makes a face as he notices the pattern of his messages. It was all sex. Luhan feels something drop in his chest.

He spends the rest Sunday afternoon stalking Sehun online. Stage name is Sen. Birthday is on the 12th of April and he’s twenty-one years old. Youngest in the six-member group called EXO. Not much is known about him except for how his personality is defined as hard-working and full of confidence. He is a smooth talker, and is calm and collected. A lot of people even thinks he’s the most mature out of the group even when he’s the maknae. He has two million followers on his Instagram account and frequently updates it almost on a daily basis.

He learns more of Sehun in a few hours than in the two weeks he’s spent being fucked by the guy who he thought was acting shy the first time they met and whiny in moments when Luhan’s playing hard to get. The only time he’s ever confident and a smooth talker is when sex is involved. The Sehun he knew and the Sehun everyone else knew were blurring in between the ends of similarities. He could see resemblance amid the two, and he thinks maybe one of them is real. He just doesn’t know which one to believe.

Maybe it’s neither, he thinks. He barely knows Sehun and who knows what lies are written on the fancafes and multiple sites and articles he stumbles upon. The longer he thinks about it, the more distinct the distance is. There are about a million other people who has an idea of who Sehun is, much like him. There are probably thousands of others, mostly girls, who are doing the same thing he’s doing right now. Some may even like him to an extent that Luhan does, if not, even more. Seeing how some of his fansites give him expensive gifts that probably cost more than his tuition fee for the semester. Even he’s struggling with paying that to the point that he has to get a part-time job at the convenience store in his neighborhood to pay for his extra fees since his father refuses to give him more than what the university asks for. He can hardly even afford to pay for a decent meal.

Sehun’s so out of his league.

So he stops and instead streams all the songs of EXO as he immerses himself in between books about Business Ethics and Economics. His mind could barely even register the words on the textbooks every time he hears Sehun’s lines blasting through the speakers. He could easily tell which voice is Sehun’s, deep and nasal, unique in its own way making the rest of the voices drown out in his mind. He doesn’t even notice the way the voices blend and harmonize anymore as he anticipates the next moment he would hear Sehun’s part. Even when it’s mostly just one or two lines per song, he thinks the lines that Sehun has are his favorite.

He falls asleep listening to EXO and wakes up to it as well. He doesn’t even bother to turn it off, as he goes about his daily routine. The only time he turns it off is when he’s about to go out of his apartment and even then he puts his earphones on and walks to the bus stop listening to the same boyband he’s been listening to for hours endlessly. He sits down on his usual spot on the bus stop acting like he’s waiting for the bus and not Kim Minseok and his sleek white Mirage G4 Sedan to pull up every single Monday almost like a routine.

He’s been sitting idly staring at the posters plastered on the bus stop. It’s one of EXO advertising beauty products. He wonders why he hasn’t noticed it before. It really seems impossible that it took him two weeks before finding out who Sehun is. Sehun was everywhere, was he really that ignorant?

Sehun’s skin looks much better in real life than in the photos even when it’s been edited and airbrushed to perfection. He thinks of that while listening to EXO. Luhan feels like a crazed fan with Oh Sehun (or Sen) as his bias. He’s been too preoccupied that he doesn’t even notice that Minseok’s already stopped his car in front of him and has his window rolled down as if waiting for Luhan to take notice of his presence.

“What are you doing staring at EXO like they just rejected your confession?” Minseok asks, and Luhan’s taken out of his reverie and pulls his earphones out as if it’s burning his ears for the past thirty minutes and he’s only noticed it now.

“Oh you would know how that looks like.” Luhan says, making a face in mock annoyance. Minseok snickers before signaling Luhan with one hand to hop in, looking hesitant even when this has happened several times before.

“If you keep giving me rides, I’m going to start thinking that you’re actually in love with me.” Luhan jokes as soon as he’s settled himself inside.

“Yeah, right.” Minseok says, rolling his eyes. His eyes fall over to Luhan’s torso. “You keep forgetting to buckle up.” Minseok reaches over to his right side to fasten his seatbelt for him. And Minseok is so close that the strands of his hair is brushing with his lips. The closeness doesn’t make his heart jump as it should’ve and Luhan tries not to think too much about it.

•••

Luhan’s part-time job is a four-hour shift at the convenience store on the weekdays and Baekhyun decided to stick around him as he watches a livestream of the viewable radio show of EXO on his smartphone. Luhan was tempted to just leave his spot on the counter and sit beside Baekhyun to watch but he can’t because he’s barely even finished the third hour of his shift. He contents himself instead with listening to the radio. It’s not much different anyway, he convinces himself.

It’s only been two days and he’s already obsessing with EXO, it’s not even healthy anymore.

“Ugh!” he hears Baekhyun groan loud, Luhan turns to look at him swiping down on the Answer option of his phone. Not at all pleased at the interruption. However, his expression softens and turns into a teasing grin. He glances his eyes over to Luhan and it makes him all the more confused. He says a few more words to the person on the other line before he hangs up and marches over to where Luhan is by the counter.

“Luhan,” Baekhyun says, pinching Luhan’s cheeks. “Kim Joonmyun just asked me for your number.”

“Did you give it?” Luhan swats away Baekhyun’s hands. His pinches always hurt, he doesn’t want to go home with swollen cheeks.

“Of course I did, sweetheart.” Baekhyun gushes something about his baby finally going on a real date after a long, long time.

“Not interested, I’m taken already.” Luhan scrunches his nose. He goes back to arranging the items displayed on the counter until he realizes they were condom boxes so he stops doing that and instead keeps his hands to himself.

“Oh yeah, by Kim Minseok.” Baekhyun laughs. “You should give up on him. He’s just not into you. He doesn’t even swing our way.”

Luhan didn’t even think of Minseok when he said that. He was thinking more of the adorable boy who pouts when he doesn’t give in to what he wants, more on house dates and giggling with each shy touch on their skins. Sometimes Luhan forgets that everything that he and Sehun share stay behind closed walls.

“I didn’t even say it’s Kim Minseok.” he mutters, it’s barely audible but Baekhyun manages to catch it.

“Oh, so there’s someone else then, hm?”

 _Yes, and it’s Oh Sehun._ “No one.”

“Thought so.”

•••

 _i couldnt wait for wednesday,_ the text reads. _i’m dropping by yours tonight._

Sehun arrives an hour before midnight and Luhan doesn’t even bother to move away from his position on the bed. Sehun knows the combination to his apartment anyway. He looks exhausted as he plops himself down to the empty space next to him on the bed. Luhan knows he just came back from dance practice if his clothes are any indication. He probably practiced right after the radio show ended.

“I see you’re naked under the sheets already.” Sehun says, his hand prying underneath the sheets, casually sliding his hand over his skin.

“You could use a bath or a shower.” Luhan says, he could feel the stickiness of Sehun’s skin with each touch. Sehun chuckles at this, squeezing one of Luhan’s thighs. Luhan tries to look like he’s unfazed by the touch.

“I’ll start the bath.” Sehun pecks him twice on the lips before entering the bathroom on the left side of the room.

Sehun comes back in less than a minute and strips his clothing down one by one until he’s left without an article of clothing in sight. He does this without breaking eye contact with Luhan. Sehun tears the blanket off of him and Luhan instantly feels the chill envelope him. Before he could even touch his body to warm himself, Sehun’s already using his hands to prevent Luhan from doing anything to himself that he can do to him. It goes on for minutes, with Sehun touching him in a way that is anything but innocent. Luhan lets out a little noise as Sehun presses his palm on his thigh, his fingers inching closer to the base of his cock.

Luhan likes the slow burning, he likes it the most when Sehun takes his time when he’s touching him. He likes the feeling of his hands gliding over his whole body leaving the ghost of each contact on his skin. It usually reduces him into a writhing mess, moaning out loud and unmindful of whether or not anyone else other than the one who’s responsible for his current state would hear. But Sehun isn’t the only one who’s tired. Luhan usually isn’t as drained as he is now even when it’s been a long day. But he’s been thinking of Sehun since Baekhyun asked him if he’s seeing someone and he can’t even tell him it’s Sehun because maybe--no not maybe, for sure--Sehun doesn’t want anyone else to know about Luhan.

Luhan doesn’t reciprocate the touches like he usually does and lets Sehun do all the work himself. Right now, with the way he’s barely even reacting to his touches, he knows that Sehun’s wondering why he isn’t as responsive as he usually is.

Sehun stops what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around Luhan. He runs his left hand down the bumps of his spine. Luhan isn’t used to this, he could feel the shivers pouring down on him due to the unfamiliarity and comfort. Sehun’s never touched him like this, he hasn’t felt his chest aligned to where Sehun’s heart is beating. He feels the rapidness of it almost in sync with his. He’s probably more red in the face now. He hopes it isn’t too obvious that he can barely even move an inch as if he’s trapped under a spell and not in his arms.

“Do you not like me being an actor? An idol?” Sehun asks, as if he’s aware of what’s bothering him in the first place.

“Can I be honest?” Luhan breathes, he’s surprised he can even open his mouth and talk. “No, I don’t.”

“Oh.” Sehun says, voice laced with something close to disappointment. “Why don’t you? Last time you said it made me sexier in your eyes?”

“it’s just… it’s stupid. don’t even ask because I’m not going to tell you.” Luhan buries his nose on the crook of Sehun’s neck. He smells of sweat, perfume, and a little bit of Luhan himself. He likes it so much that he presses his face even harder as his own arms move at its own accord to wrap around Sehun’s slim waist.

“Okay.” Sehun says, they stay in the same position for a few minutes just drowning in each other’s warmth. Sehun lifts Luhan up, carrying him to the bathroom. The tub’s already full and Luhan doesn’t want to let go of the feeling of having his chest pressed up to his. He dreads for the next few seconds to come just because he’s not done yet memorizing the rhythm of his and Sehun’s heartbeats together.

•••

Luhan wakes up with Sehun drawing circular patterns on his back with his pointing finger. The touch makes his skin shiver in a comfortable way. Luhan smiles to himself, he likes it when Sehun’s still around by the time he wakes up, or when Sehun unintentionally wakes him up with secret kisses or touches. It’s so much better than waking up next to an empty space and a short text message. Sehun halts for a moment before continuing, he probably felt Luhan shiver under his touch.

“You’re still here.” Luhan says, breaking the silence. Sehun hums, a finger still mapping out stars on his back. The window is open, and the only light that enters the room is from the moon and buildings outside.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Sehun chuckles, and it’s a deep sound that reverberates through Luhan’s ears. “I didn’t notice you were playing our songs until you fell asleep and I heard a soft sound coming from your speaker that sounds a lot like Transformer.” Luhan feels Sehun stopping his movement once again. There is silence, and nothing but the low buzz of a piano playing in the distance is heard. _My Answer._ “Do you like it?”

“Yeah. I like it.” Luhan says in admittance, he shifts in his position to face Sehun but not quite as he hides his face on his naked chest. “I like your voice the most.”

“Really? Even better than Kyungsoo-hyung’s?” Sehun asks, Luhan doesn’t even know who Kyungsoo is. But the way Sehun says it reminds him of himself when his father praises him for his grades when they’re finally higher than the rest of his cousins when he was in elementary school. Luhan’s always preferred approval above anything else.

“Yeah.” Sehun wraps his arms tighter around his lithe body. The gesture seemed so innocent even when they’re bare underneath the sheets. Luhan brushes his lips over to his chest before stealing a glance up to Sehun’s face and he is so beautiful it hurts.

“I like you, Sehun.” he confesses. He isn’t even supposed to feel this embarrassed or nervous because he’s saying this to the boy he has sex with almost every day, who has seen his everything and knows enough just where to touch his body to make him fall apart in the most beautiful way possible.

It’s probably safe to say that Luhan likes Sehun beyond the mind-blowing sex, luxurious penthouse and fame because even if sex is the only thing they do when they’re with each other. Luhan always looks forward to small talks while cuddling and teasing each other in the dark. It’s when Sehun draws circular patterns on his back that he learns that he’s so close to getting his beating heart exposed. It’s in those little moments that he can close his eyes and think that Oh Sehun might not just be in it for his body even if it’s the reason why they’re meeting each other in the first place. It scares him how fast it took for him to start liking Sehun, how he easily forgot that he had liked Minseok before him. It scares him to think that a day may come and he’ll start liking someone else more than the extent in which he likes Sehun, like what happened to his feelings to Minseok.

However, he thinks as he buries his face deeper into Sehun’s chest where his heart is beating (hoping and hoping it’s an enough of an answer as Sehun doesn’t seem like he’s going to say it back), the thought of not losing the feeling scares Luhan even more.

•••

The second time Luhan met up with Sehun was the very next day they met. Luhan took a shift off his part-time job and made dinner plans with Sehun. It didn’t make sense, really. There’s a reason why one night stands exist but it seemed as though the both of them disagree with that.

“I made reservations at a nice restaurant,” Sehun had told him. “It’s near my place. I’ll text you my address. Just tell the receptionist your name, they’ll let you up.”

It was supposed to be awkward because they barely even know each other except for their names, addresses and little quirks they’ve picked up after one night of endless hair pulling and nail scratching moments of Sehun pinning Luhan down on the bed or wall. But that doesn’t seem to be the case, because ten minutes in and Luhan’s already fully undressed and ripping Sehun’s button-up shirt with his hands as he grinds himself down on top of Sehun’s clothed cock, savoring the hot sensation the friction brings to his body.

Luhan wasn’t able to attend his classes the next day. Sehun had left him a message saying he’ll be gone for a few hours. But even if Sehun had not texted him with a message implying that he should stay, he wouldn’t be able to move. Not with the pain he feels all over his limbs and the ache that’s pounding down on him. He spends hours just laying down on the bed until Sehun returned in the afternoon with lunch to make up for the cancelled dinner plans they had the night before with chinese take-out. They ate while bickering over trivial matters like they’ve known each other for years and not just two days. They ended up sucking each other’s faces when they decided to split the last piece of _jin deui_ with their mouths.

Luhan was reluctant to leave. But he had to because his boss won’t be too happy if Luhan skips work again. Even at work, his mind is still drifting off to thoughts of Oh Sehun and his skillful tongue and rough hands. Somewhere in between his shift hours, Sehun texted him saying he’s coming over to his place.

That night, they ended up fucking on Luhan’s bed ‘til midnight. Sehun left him before morning light and texted him that he’s going to come over later in the afternoon. It had been like that in the next few days, just sex as an actual excuse of a date. It’s as if it’s the only thing they do when they’re together.

But often times they talk, just talk, when they’re too tired to move and all they could do is cuddle and speak of little bits of their lives. Sehun tells him of his failed auditions and appearances in small CFs or dramas. Luhan talks bits and bits about his life when he moved to Seoul after high school even with his minimal capability to communicate in Korean. When it comes to talks of family, Sehun talks about his brother and his wife and Luhan asks questions about his brother’s bubble tea shop when Sehun asks about his family. Sehun doesn’t pry, much to Luhan’s relief.

Everything seemed so easy with Sehun. If Luhan wanted to see Sehun he’d be by his doorstep in a few hours and if Sehun wants Luhan to come over, he’d gladly skip class or go home from work early. If Luhan doesn’t want to talk about himself, Sehun doesn’t get mad. And if Luhan pulls on his hair and scratches his nails a little too hard on his back, Sehun doesn’t get mad.

In a span of one week, Luhan’s daily routine dramatically changed all because of Oh Sehun.

•••

Baekhyun tells him to meet in the yogurt shop near their university an hour before their one o’clock Tuesday class.

“Luhan darling,” Baekhyun says as a greeting. He sits down in front of where Luhan has settled himself on. He shoves his phone in front of him to show a picture. “Isn’t this the front of your apartment building?”

“Yeah, why?” Luhan says, his voice is groggy from sleep, or lack thereof. He wasn’t able to fall asleep after Sehun had woken him up. Although he did pretend that he was, seeing as how he’s still awake hours after when Sehun’s unlatched himself from Luhan took his clothes from the floor and kissed him goodbye.

“Recently, some netizens are saying that they saw Sen coming out of this building several times already…” Baekhyun taps his one finger on his clasped mouth as if in deep thought. “Have you spotted him?”

“I don’t know?” he sighs, not really aware of he’s supposed to react. Maybe he’ll stress about it later. He doesn’t really want to think about Sehun right now.

“Ah yes, you probably don’t know how Sen looks like. It’s probably fake anyway.”

“Where are the others?” Luhan opts to ask, not even bothering to correct Baekhyun that he does know how Sen looks like, more than he does even. He even knows how he looks like when he’s all sweaty, breathless, and naked.

He shakes his head at the mental images flashing in his mind. He should stop thinking of Sehun now if he wants to keep himself sane before the day ends.

“You look like you didn’t get much sleep.” Baekhyun ignores the question and instead lunges forward to tickle the underside of his chin. Luhan scowls and slaps his probing fingers off. “But you’re still so pretty.”

“Stop that.” Luhan mutters. Baekhyun’s grin grows wider before his ears catch on the sound of the ringing bells from the glass door.

“Our Kim Candy is here.” he hisses, slapping Luhan’s palm several times that it’ll leave red marks in a matter of seconds. Luhan furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“Kim Candy?”

“Baekhyunnie, Luhan-sshi.” someone from behind him says. He turns around and sees a familiar figure walking towards them clad in a dark blue sweater with rolled-up sleeves. Joonmyun doesn’t look any different outside of the classroom where he’s usually chatting up the freshmen with that goofy smile of his.

“There are no others.” Baekhyun mouths, subtly pointing his finger to Joonmyun.

“Hello Joonmyun-sshi,” Luhan greets. A polite smile plastered on his face even when he’s slightly irked because he knows just what Baekhyun’s intentions are. Baekhyun takes the seat in the middle of their round table and pushes it closer to where Luhan is seating, offering Joonmyun a seat.

“So where are the others?” Joonmyun asks as he takes a seat. His shoulder brushes with Luhan before he adjusts his seat a few inches away so he’d be in the middle of the two. Joonmyun sends a sheepish smile over to Baekhyun.

“It’s just us. You were the one who told me to come to your brother’s shop and bring Luhan.” Baekhyun looks at Joonmyun knowingly as Joonmyun flashes a shy smile. He glances over to Luhan who fakes a smile towards him. He brings his phone out and texts a why to Baekhyun.

“I just thought he could come along because we all share the same class today.” Joonmyun laughs to himself to save face and it isn’t really working. Luhan could see Baekhyun take a peek under the table.

 _kim candy is hot and he likes u take it,_ the text reads.

_i told you im not interested_

_u wudnt say that once u see dis_

Baekhyun sends him a flurry of images of Joonmyun, no shirt and all defined abs. He sends a cold glare over to Baekhyun who just shrugs in response. He feels his phone vibrate in his hand and he’s about to type in something about making Baekhyun stop before he sees that the latest message isn't from his annoying friend.

_just found out our new shooting location. i miss your touch. see you soon._

“You okay there, Luhan?” Baekhyun says, his voice is teasing. “You’re enjoying the pic I sent you way too much.”

“We should order now so we could get to class on time.” Luhan says, voice blank. He puts the phone inside his pocket and doesn’t respond to the text. It’s his touch that he’s missing, not him.

•••

It's a stressful day although his class ended earlier than intended and he's left with a lot of free time in his hands before his shift in NiniMart. If only he hadn't went to his job a few hours earlier than usual and helped around more than he usually does. Some of his co-workers found it weird but they aren't complaining to having an extra help around when there are more customers than the three people on shift can handle.

He enters his apartment and heads on over to the sofa where he buries his face in for ten minutes before changing out of his work clothes. He goes to the kitchen afterwards to get the green bottle out of his refrigerator where it's been sitting idly for a few weeks now. _Soju._ It's been awhile since the last time he drank alone. He remembers how he used to drink at night in most days of the week and how alcohol compromised most of his source of comfort and relaxation.

Luhan takes the cap off and puts the rim of the bottle in between his lips and lets the liquid flow down his throat. He really did miss drinking alone. He doesn’t know why he’s thankful to know that Sehun isn’t coming over tonight. Maybe he does know, seeing as how he’s been attempting to avoid all thoughts of Sehun throughout the day.

It’s a much needed break from Sehun and his irrational development of feelings that go beyond what’s needed in their sexual attachment--a breather. It’s the longest time that’s passed that they aren’t together since they started seeing each other in a way. He sighs, knowing that it’s probably an immature thing to be upset at Sehun over not getting a response when he had simply just said that he likes him. He’s a college student in his third year, not a girl from middle school who crushes on whoever the rest of the girls in class like the most. He shouldn’t even be thinking about this.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps he’s been accustomed to hearing whenever he’s pretending to be asleep reach his ears and he doesn’t believe it. Sehun has never barged inside his apartment without letting him know even if it’s just a short _‘i’m coming over yours’_ kind of text message. He puts the bottle down on top of the counter and takes a peek at the living room. His suspicions are confirmed once he sees the figure of Sehun with a beanie and a mask on who’s slipping his shoes off to leave by the door.

It's not an unlikely sight to see. But the last text Sehun sent him had been the one in the yogurt shop. He isn’t supposed to come over until Wednesday. And it’s not even that which shocks him. No, it was the large backpack hunched over his one shoulder and the luggage he has in one hand that bothers him the most.

_Why would Sehun have so many things with him?_

Sehun takes the gray beanie off his head revealing a mop of black locks. Luhan watches as Sehun ruffles his hair with his free hand. He doesn’t look like he’s aware that Luhan’s on the other side of the living room watching him take the weight of the backpack off his shoulders and unto the L-shaped couch as he wheels his luggage with him.

Before Sehun could take a seat down on the sofa his eyes drift off to where Luhan is standing, there is a spark in his eyes as the corners of it crinkles to form crescents. Luhan could almost see the big smile he has on his face underneath the face mask blocking his mouth “Luhan!” he beams, running off to where Luhan is to tackle him with a hug. “I thought you weren’t home yet.” He swings Luhan side-by-side. He’s acting like a kid again.

“Sehun,” he says, still trapped within Sehun’s arms. He doesn’t want to melt under his touch just yet. “what are you doing here?”

Sehun doesn’t answer and instead, bends down to capture Luhan’s lips. Only, he hasn’t taken his mask off so Luhan ended up having the soft fabric press on his lips. Sehun takes the mask off as he cackles. He could feel the vibrations caused by Sehun’s laughter on his chest.

“I’ve been thinking about this all day.” Sehun says, brushing his lips over to Luhan’s. He tries not to think too much of his weakening knees. If he does, he might just give in.

“Not tonight,” Luhan says, pulling his lips away from contact. “I have to study.” he lies. He’s going to have to hide the uncapped bottle of soju later on. He’s not getting the break he thought he needed, but he figures it’s okay, as he looks at the bright smile plastered on Sehun’s face. There isn’t much he can do to suppress his feelings for Sehun. Alcohol and a little time away from him won’t help his lost case anyway.

“Then after?” Sehun says, even when his lips are already attached on his nape and one of his hands are snaking over the flat of his stomach.

“Stop playing games, Sehun.” Luhan says, his voice is firm and maybe it’s the way he said it that made Sehun halt his movements fast, keeping his hands tucked inside the pockets of his windbreaker. Luhan feels guilty all of a sudden, so he takes Sehun by the cheek and pecks his lips quickly, wordlessly saying his apology with that one kiss, hoping it would reach him.

Luhan’s at the study table now and Sehun’s playing a game with his phone on his bed. His focus is elsewhere, Sehun isn’t even doing anything but Luhan’s struggling to resist himself from shutting his books close and flinging himself to where Sehun is lying on the bed. He can’t even recall how many times he got caught by Sehun taking glances at him. Luhan turns to look again and Sehun stares back at him.

Then when he’s about to turn back, Sehun scoots over to the left, _his side of the bed,_ and pats the right side twice with his hand as a silent invitation. Sehun didn’t look like he had other intentions other than trying to make sure Luhan studies in comfort. So Luhan tucks two books in between his arms and climbs onto the bed.

Sehun makes sure to cover his lap with a blanket. He shares the pillow he’s using as a backrest for the both of them and puts Luhan’s head on his shoulder. His cheeks feel warmer.

“Now study,” Sehun says, he sets aside the phone he’s using and turns to watch Luhan attempt to read each line from the book without having it fly away from his mind.

 _How am I supposed to study when you’re like this,_ he thinks. _You’re too much._

It only takes twenty minutes before Luhan decides to give up on studying. He isn't making any progress and he hadn’t intended to study if Sehun hadn’t barged in all of a sudden anyway. By the time he’s done washing his face and brushing his teeth, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and a wifebeater, the lights of his room are already turned off and Sehun’s already curled up underneath the blanket staring at Luhan’s direction as if he’s been waiting for him. And when Luhan comes to the bed, he drapes the blanket over to his body, brushing his hands over to his arm in the process.

Sehun is warm, he pulls Luhan closer so his lips are brushing on Sehun’s shoulder blades. Sehun doesn’t seem like he’s going to initiate anything that may lead to sex. Luhan retracts, turning his back on Sehun, pressing it instead on Sehun’s chest. It’s the first time they’re this innocent and Luhan doesn’t know how to take it if he’s facing Sehun.

Sehun presses his chest even closer to his back. “You tasted like alcohol when I kissed you earlier,” Sehun isn’t wearing a shirt. The sensation makes the butterflies in his stomach fly wild as cotton meets skin. “why?”

Luhan doesn’t answer, he doesn’t want to. And Sehun doesn't push any further. Sehun sighs, wrapping his arms around Luhan’s waist and tucking his chin on the jut of his collarbone. He lets himself melt into the touch, closing his eyes. He makes the rise and fall of Sehun’s chest be his lullaby.

“Sleep well, Lu.” Sehun says, pecking the side of his neck as he wedges his leg underneath Luhan’s thighs and his foot in between his legs, fixing their positions until their limbs are perfectly entangled like vines intertwined.

That night, Luhan didn’t ask why Sehun brought his backpack and luggage among other things and Sehun didn’t bother to explain. They fall asleep just like that.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11.5k words.

Luhan wakes up to the sound of the alarm’s monotonous ringtone and an empty space beside him. He groans, he doesn’t want to wake up just yet for his seven o’clock class. It’s why he hates having to wake up on Mondays and Wednesdays. Forcing himself to move, he rolls his body over to the side table to retrieve his phone almost like a routine. Maybe it is, lately the first thing that comes to mind when he wakes up is to read Sehun’s text message.

 

However as he checks his inbox, there is no text message.

 

 _That’s odd,_ he thinks. He sits up with furrowed eyebrows, now fully awake and double-checking his inbox and conversation with Sehun if there really isn’t a new message. He stops and thinks for a while until he remembers that they didn’t have sex last night so there really isn’t anything to thank Luhan for. He scowls and throws the cellphone on the bed. They’ve had this arrangement for two weeks already why is he only starting to get bothered to know that sex is all their relationship is about just now?

 

He stands, maybe he’ll let the shower wash his thoughts off down the drain. He can’t even understand or control them anyway. He’s about to enter when he sees Sehun’s backpack and luggage peeking out of the small walk-in closet connected to the bathroom.

 

Luhan wonders if Sehun’s still around as he heads for the door outside to the living room instead. He sees no sign of Sehun until he sees his figure from the arch at the kitchen. He has his back turned away from him. He isn’t wearing a shirt on from where he’s sitting and he can see how broad his shoulders are sticking out from his seat at the breakfast nook.

 

“Sehun…” he says, taking a few steps closer so he’s right in front of him. Sehun drops his phone on the tabletop to wrap his arms lazily on Luhan’s waist.

 

“Good morning, Luhan.” His fringe is long enough to cover his eyes and Luhan subconsciously brushes it off to the side. Sehun smiles at this before he kisses him, quick and fleeting. Luhan’s flustered and he could feel the heat rise up to his cheeks. “I cooked ramen.” Sehun says unlatching his arms, he sees two bowls, one untouched and the other half-finished. He sits beside Sehun and starts eating.

 

“I put my stuff in your room already.”

 

“Yeah, I saw.” He picks on the vegetables with his chopsticks. “Why do you...” Luhan trails off. He pretends not to notice how Sehun intentionally brushed their bare shoulders together.

 

“I told you yesterday. We found out our new shooting location.” Sehun inches his face closer to Luhan. There’s never a clear answer with Oh Sehun without effort. Luhan knows this already, he’s already been a victim of his distracting touches and childish acts countless times.

 

“No really, Sehun.” he says. Sehun takes his chopsticks from him and turns his attention to the noodles that he’s twirling with it.

 

“Gu Jaehun found a job in a coffee shop here in Yongsan district.”

 

“Gu Jaehun?”

 

“It’s the name of my character in Home of Friends. I’m disappointed you still don’t know that.” Sehun pouts, using his one hand to make Luhan open his mouth. He feeds Luhan the noodles.

 

“What does that have to do with you having…” Luhan says, mid-chew. He stops and thinks for a moment as the message Sehun is trying to imply gets clearer in his mind. “Are you going to move in my apartment just like that?”

 

Sehun’s face falls. “I was afraid you wouldn’t let me stay. So I just…”

 

“You know I wouldn’t do that.” He lifts his hand up let his fingers slide down his smooth locks. Sometimes when he’s with Sehun, he feels like a mother scolding her kid when they’re upset over something they think their mothers would do when they catch them doing something she doesn’t like. He should be mad, or anything but understanding because Sehun had the nerve to move in his apartment without letting him have a say on it. Maybe he is mad, but to himself because he’s letting Sehun barge into his life way too easily.

 

His mother had warned him once about letting people in his life, she had said not to think with the heart but with the mind. Luhan isn’t too good with listening to his parents anyway. He wouldn’t even be in Seoul if he had listened to them. And it’s not like anyone can think with their heart. Luhan’s just a little dumb when it comes to Sehun.

 

“Our dorm’s on the other side of the Han river. It’s so far.” Sehun nuzzles his shoulder with closed eyes affectionately. It’s not even that far, he thinks. It’s only a bridge away. It won’t even take thirty minutes. “So I hope you’ll have me.”

 

They ate together like they usually do, bickering and teasing minus the spontaneous lip locking. Sehun even took a photo of them as they ate. Never mind that Luhan has class in less than an hour. If he gets to spend time with Sehun, it’s okay. He’ll end up hating himself later for that. Spending time with Sehun isn’t helping his unnecessary feelings go down and grades go up at all.

 

The doorbell rings and someone knocks on the front door several times like doing that would get him to open the door. “Luhan!”

 

“Oh shit,” It’s Baekhyun. He stands up from his seat and immediately pulls Sehun by the wrist leading him to the living room as he searches his eyes for the perfect hiding place. Sehun still looks startled as if he isn’t aware of why Luhan is even panicking.

 

“Why are you…”

 

“Baekhyun can’t see you.” Luhan hisses, he decides to drag Sehun to his bedroom. Sehun can hide in his walk-in closet and it’ll be just fine, he thinks as he pushes Sehun inside the small room.

 

“I don’t want to hide in the closet, Luhan.” Sehun protests even when he doesn’t make a move to get out of the room.

 

“Aren’t you already hiding in the closet, Sen?” he comments. Sehun pouts. Luhan didn’t see it as he’s too busy searching his room for anything he needs to hide like Sehun’s jeans which is on top of his swivel chair.

 

“Then hide in the bathroom it’s like three steps away. Just,” Luhan kicks Sehun’s shirt from the floor and unto the walk-in closet. He could hear Baekhyun shout his name out louder. He groans. “Just lock the door!” he hisses, stepping out of his room and making his way over to the front door to stop Byun Baekhyun from shouting before his neighbors start complaining.

 

“What took you so long?” Baekhyun greets as Luhan finally answered the door. He struts inside the apartment while simultaneously throwing his shoes off and kicking them under the couch (which Luhan isn’t too happy with knowing that Baekhyun would probably ask Luhan to crouch down and get his shoes for him).

 

•••

 

Baekhyun didn’t come alone, though. Luhan watches as Joonmyun tugs on the sleeve of his blue button-up almost nervously. “Joonmyun-sshi?” Luhan says, his eyes seemed to have taken interest on the wooden floorboards since he hasn’t looked up since Luhan opened the door.

 

When he finally looks up, Joonmyun has a grin plastered on his face. “Good morning, Luhan-sshi.” he says, voice cheery. “Baekhyun asked me to drive the two of you to class.”

 

“Oh,” Luhan pauses. “You didn’t need to though. But thanks.” He smiles at Joonmyun.

 

“Oh no, I wanted to. I wouldn’t want you to commute if I can give you a ride,” Joonmyun tries to meet his eyes but Luhan avoids it. Things are already awkward enough.  “Baekhyun too, I mean.”

 

Luhan hums in reply as takes a step back as a gesture to let Joonmyun inside. He tries not to remember how Joonmyun was trying to restrain himself from staring at his bare arms and collarbones the whole time they were talking. Maybe Baekhyun isn’t just playing around when he said that Joonmyun liked him or maybe he should’ve worn something that covers most of his torso.

 

“Why do you have two bowls of ramen?” Baekhyun questions from the connected kitchen. Shit, I forgot about that. Baekhyun looks at him with nonchalant curiosity as he takes the chopsticks Sehun was using before he came and twists the noodles with it to eat.

 

“I was eating breakfast with Minseok’s sister,” Luhan lies, even when she’s probably two floors up his unit and sound asleep after a night of studying non-stop since she’s always been too focused with her academics. So much that all Luhan ever hears from her now are text messages saying things like _‘Luhan-oppa, I miss you~ oppa says ur busy rn i am too ㅠ ㅠ’ or ‘did minseok-oppa hurt you again? i punched him for u today!!!’_ He adds, “She had to go so she left before finishing her food.”

 

Baekhyun hums, mouth full of the noodles and soup as he chews. “Hear that, Joonmyun-hyung. Luhan prefers eating breakfast with someone. He’s so lonely.” Baekhyun approaches Luhan just to tickle the underside of his chin. Baekhyun’s taking things out of context again. “Such a poor soul.”

 

Luhan slaps the hand away. Baekhyun looks at him and gasps. “You still haven’t showered!” he says, taking notice of Luhan’s bed hair. He puts his lips in a tight line as he tries to pat his hair down. “You shouldn’t look so careless in front of a potential boyfriend,“ His hand tickles his chin once again. “But you’re still so pretty.”

 

“Stop that.” Luhan hisses. Baekhyun takes his hand away voluntarily and pulls Luhan inside his own bedroom before he launches himself to land on the bed (“Luhan your bed smells like Baby SenSen’s perfume! What do you call that? I forgot!” Baekhyun says as he flails around and shoves his nose at the sheets. How Baekhyun knows how Sehun smells like is alarming.)

 

“Doesn’t Luhan look gorgeous in this photo?” Baekhyun takes the frame from his bedside table and shows it to Joonmyun. It’s a photograph of him with Zitao who had given him the framed photo last Christmas. It’s one of the rare photos that still exist from when he’s done with highschool and going to college to get a degree is just at the very back of his mind. His face is flushed from alcohol and he vaguely remembers Zitao’s comforting words saying something along the lines of, “It’s not too late. Maybe they’ll accept you again next year.”

 

He looks like a wreck.

 

“Yeah, he looks beautiful.” Joonmyun examines Luhan for good few seconds, the stare makes him feel a little flustered and it’s uncomfortable and unnerving and Luhan would really appreciate it if he’d stop because he feels a little guilty letting Joonmyun do that when he’s hiding Sehun behind that one locked door in his room. “You’re really handsome, Luhan-sshi.”

 

He doesn’t dare look at Joonmyun in the eye even if he’s inadvertently trying to catch his gaze.

 

“Don’t shower too long. There’s only so much I can do to restrain Joonmyun from trying to sneak up to you in the shower.”

 

“I’m not like that, Baekhyunnie.” Joonmyun defends, a frown splayed out upon his face. He’s leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed.

 

“I was just joking.” Baekhyun sheepishly grins and Joonmyun gives him a small smile as if he wasn’t frowning less than five seconds ago.

 

“I’m just going to go shower.” he announces, twisting the doorknob only until Sehun unlocks it. He tries not to open the door too wide just in case the two people might get to take a glimpse of Sehun.

 

Before he could close the door himself, Sehun closes it and pins him down on the wall.

 

“Who is this Joonmyun person and why would he want to sneak up on you while you shower?” Sehun whispers. The tone of his voice isn’t what Luhan is used to hearing.

 

“He’s no one.” he says, a little pissed.

 

“The other guy’s Baekhyun, right? You told me he’s your friend. Why can’t you say the same about Joonmyun?”

 

“I’m going to shower, Sehun.” Luhan sighs, lightly pushing Sehun’s chest to escape Sehun’s trap. Sehun crosses his arms and smiles mockingly at him. He looks so untrusting of Luhan like he’s a stranger who’d done him wrong.

 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you avoiding talking about some things when we’re having a conversation.” he says, and it sounds like Sehun knows something and he’s just waiting for Luhan to admit his wrongdoings.

 

“You were the one who didn’t tell me your identity.” He scoffs back. He can’t handle the look Sehun is giving him now. It makes him mad and disappointed at the same time.

 

“I’m not the only one who’s hiding some things.” Luhan furrows his eyebrows at this, he’s done dealing with whatever Sehun’s problem is. He doesn’t want to fight.

 

“Are we seriously going to fight about this?” Luhan turns his back at Sehun and steps inside the bathroom connected to the walk-in closet. He takes his wifebeater off and he could see Sehun’s reflection at the mirror. He’s behind him and he’s looking at Luhan intently. The expression is foreign, something he hasn’t seen before.

 

Sehun’s never looked at him that way, none that he remembers. The way his eyes linger over to his face and every single part of his body alights the possibility that there may be something more to the way Sehun looks at him. Sehun doesn’t look like he’s aware that Luhan could see him from the mirror, he watches from the corner of his eyes, how Sehun’s expression morphs into something more familiar, lust.

 

Of course, it’s stupid of him to think that there may be more. He was looking at his body. What else did he expect. He can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it, either. Any attention from Sehun can set his whole body on fire. He walks out of Sehun’s view to remove his boxers. He could already feel Sehun’s presence in the bathroom. It’s not wise to strip himself off his clothes until he’s left without a stitch on when he’s having an argument with Sehun. But it’s one way to make Sehun stop by using words, it’s another to strip in front of him to avoid fighting.

 

Maybe it is wise of him to do that.

 

He steps inside the empty tub and turns the shower on, letting the cold water run down on his skin in rivulets as he sits down with his arms wrapped around his knees to cover his naked body from Sehun’s eyes. But he could already feel his sharp gaze piercing through him even with his eyes closed. He runs his hand down to keep his hair away from his forehead, stretching his neck out to one side to give Sehun a better view. He doesn’t want to be upset with Sehun, not when they could just touch each other and fuck to solve all their problems and let their bodies do the talking.

 

He hears the sound of Sehun tossing his boxers off to the side, and he’s fully unclothed now much like him. The thought of Sehun being naked and only a few feet away from him turns him on so much that he hugs himself tighter to conceal his arousal. It’s his plan to purposely seduce Sehun and not give in, he’s not supposed to be the one begging for it, _it’s embarrassing._

 

Soon enough, Luhan feels Sehun wrap his arms around his chest. His legs are stretched around his body, thighs brushing over his hips and he can feel the tip of Sehun’s cock pressed near his entrance.

 

“I didn’t give you permission to shower with me.” he says, pouting.

 

“I’m sorry.” Sehun presses his lips on the sensitive skin of his neck, nipping it until he’s sure it’s bright red before finding another spot to suck on. Luhan lets him do that with no protest at all as he closes his eyes, letting himself get lost with the touch.

 

A few more kisses and bites on his neck happen before Sehun unwraps his arms around him. Luhan lets out a whine in protest as he feels the cold water replace the warm feeling of Sehun’s embrace. He hears the sound of Sehun’s low chuckle, before he turns Luhan around to face him.

 

“I’m not going anywhere, babe.” Sehun reassures him, putting his hand on Luhan’s cheek and pecking his lips in one swift movement. His fringe is flat down on his forehead and gets in the way of Sehun’s eyes. He runs his hand through the locks to brush them away so he could see his eyes clearly.

 

“You’re so pretty.” Sehun says, lightly pressing on Luhan’s thighs to spread them out. He lifts Luhan up and pulls him down so his ass is sitting just right on his lap. Luhan wraps his arms around Sehun’s neck and looks down only to have his eyes look at Sehun’s cock.

 

Sehun’s almost hard, unlike him who’s already fully erect and desperate for a release. It’s embarrassing and he feels the blood travel up to his face if it isn’t already red enough. Sehun puts his warm palm on Luhan’s waist, positioning him to make sure he’s comfortable enough.

 

What happens next makes Luhan struggle to restrain himself from letting out a moan of pleasure when Sehun probes his fingers to locate his entrance. He closes his eyes now, making him feel hyper aware of what Sehun’s fingers are doing to him. Sehun brushes his fingers past the ring of muscles, teasingly, as he usually does.

 

“Just put it in.” Luhan whines, he can hear Sehun laugh so softly that Luhan wouldn’t have heard it if they weren’t in such a close proximity.

 

“Someone’s a little eager.” he comments, pushing the finger inside. There is a sting that’s almost unnoticeable underneath the sensation of Sehun pushing in and pulling out of his hole an enough of a reason to forget the slight pain. And in that moment, he forgets that Baekhyun and Joonmyun are waiting outside for him to shower and that his class starts in thirty minutes or so because the feeling of Sehun’s finger inside of him is heavenly.

 

“I’ll get,” Sehun inserts another finger, scissoring them gently as Luhan clenches and unclenches unknowingly at the feeling of Sehun’s knuckles grazing over his prostate. He opens his eyes Sehun has his tongue poking out of his lips and his eyes are glued to what’s in between his wide-spread legs. It all makes him feel a chill pour down on him and the droplets of water hitting on his skin is the least of the reasons why. “get the…” He’s so out of breath. “Sehun.”

 

Sehun slows the movements of his fingers and pries his eyes away from his core to look at Luhan. “I’ll get the lube.” he says. Sehun reluctantly pulls his fingers out and lets Luhan stand up. His legs are jelly and he’s only able to take one step before he slips on the tub.

 

His first instinct is to grab onto whatever his hand could use as a support. It’s unfortunate that it is the shower caddy hanging on the pole where the shower curtain is what he held on to so everything inside it falls and spills on the floor or in the tub much like Luhan. He feels Sehun grab on his arm and pull him in an embrace as they both fall on the tub with Sehun’s back landing not so smoothly on the surface where objects like the shampoo or lube bottle pokes his back almost like a stab in the back.

 

“Are you--” Luhan says a little louder than he’s supposed to so Sehun shuts him up with his mouth. He doesn't move his lips. Someone’s knocking on the door a few meters away from them.

 

“Luhan! Are you okay?” Baekhyun shouts from across the door. Sehun removes his lips from his.

 

“I’m okay!” he shouts. He waits for Baekhyun to reply and when he doesn’t say anymore, he helps Sehun in a sitting position and they both wordlessly agree not to continue what they were doing before Luhan slipped when Sehun had squeezed a good amount of shampoo on his palm and massages Luhan’s scalp with it. They take turns with putting shampoo on their hair and soaping each other’s bodies in between giving each other a few more marks and kisses.

 

•••

 

They’re both in jeans now with their chests still bare in front of the mirror, the marks on their skin as a reminder of what went on minutes prior.

 

“You gave me hickeys, you fucker.” Luhan says, eyeing the blooming flesh transitioning from shades of red and purple. He touches the one’s on his neck and collarbones, he turns his right shoulder a little bit to the side to get a better look at the one Sehun’s left on it. There’s also one on his chin and it’s going to be a problem if Luhan doesn’t find a way to hide it. “Hickeys.”

 

“Guess you have to wear something less showy now,” Sehun looks happy. He opens one of the drawers, the uppermost one, which Luhan hadn’t intended to turn into Sehun’s own. There isn’t much inside, only a few articles of clothing and not filled enough because the wooden bottom of the drawer could still be seen poking out of the unfolded pile of clothes. He takes a sweater out, it’s a black turtleneck and the very same one Sehun was wearing at that one interview.

 

“I’m not going to wear that, Sehun.” Luhan says, eyeing the clothing in his hand with disdain. Fall season’s barely even started and summer’s heat is still very much present. Not to mention that it’s oversized, he’s sure he can find something in his drawers that can conceal what Sehun had done.

 

“Maybe I should go out now. I wanted to see that Joonmyun guy anyway.“ he challenges.

 

Sehun would risk it, he knows. He recalls one time when they were interrupted by the delivery guy and Sehun had suddenly thought it was a good idea to attack Luhan from behind by biting his ear and kissing his neck as Luhan pays for the pizza. At that time, he was just embarrassed because he didn’t know who Sehun was. But thinking about it now, Sehun was reckless enough to risk his image without even thinking about it. It was only fortunate enough that the pizza delivery guy didn’t look like cared at all. Otherwise, Sehun’s image might as well be fucked.

 

Luhan sighs, taking the sweater from Sehun’s hands.

 

“I look ridiculous.” Luhan says, the sweater looked good on Sehun since it was designed for Sehun’s built. The sleeves are too long that it reaches up to his fingers, and his shoulders aren’t as broad as Sehun’s so the fit looks exceptionally weird with the shoulders sagging. The only upside to wearing the sweater is that the turtleneck overlaps with his chin so it conceals the marks on his skin perfectly. But even that contributes to how he looks like an overgrown child trying to fit in his daddy’s clothes.

 

“You look cute.” Sehun kisses Luhan’s cheek and Luhan pulls the turtleneck even higher as to hide the blush he could already feel surface on his cheeks. He fixes himself up a little bit more before he deems himself appropriate enough.

 

“You sure you okay? The fall was pretty bad.” Sehun asks when he’s just about ready to leave. He sounds concerned, like he cares, he wishes so much that it’s not an illusion. But then again, it’s only normal to be concerned. The fall was bad, any normal human being would be concerned. It's nothing special.

 

“I should ask you the same about your back since I landed on top of you. I’m not the only one who fell, you know.” he says, avoiding Sehun’s eyes. He’s trying to look as nonchalant as possible and he doesn’t really know why.

 

Sehun doesn’t answer, instead he approaches Luhan and dips down to kiss him. “I’ll see you tonight.”

 

He takes one last look at Sehun, his back is turned away from him and he can see the faint red marks caused by the fall. Sehun seems to have noticed that Luhan hasn’t closed the door so he turns around and smiles at Luhan, mouthing something like _“Go to class.”_ So Luhan closes the door, waits for the sound of it getting locked from the inside before he turns his back with his mind still inside the room where Sehun is locked like a dirty little secret.

 

•••

 

The fabric of the sweater makes him feel hot that he has to roll them up so the sleeves end up just right on his elbow. It’s a good thing Sehun didn’t think of leaving marks on his forearm otherwise he’d have to keep them down. He contemplated whether or not he should fold the turtleneck so it doesn’t meet his chin when he remembers he has a purple hickey on his chin so he just shrugs and thinks he’ll only have to endure it until later when he has to change into his work clothes and cover them up with makeup like he usually does.

 

Baekhyun isn’t in the living room but in the kitchen where he’s finishing off the two bowls of ramen by himself with Joonmyun who has both of his hands curled up in a fist and pressing on his knees. The scene doesn’t bother him that much until he sees that Baekhyun has one of Sehun’s phone in his hands. _Shit._

 

“I’m done already.” Luhan announces to catch Baekhyun’s attention.

 

“Is this a new phone?” Baekhyun asks, examining the phone with awe muttering something like _“this is the newest model.”_ It doesn’t seem like he’s seen anything Luhan doesn’t want him to know. Luhan nods, holding his hand out so Baekhyun could hand him the phone. He seemed hesitant although he hands him the phone anyway.

 

“Seems like your manager-hyung is mad,” Baekhyun says. He looks like he wants to reach out and grab the phone in his hands. “did you skip work again yesterday?”

 

“Yeah,” he lies, putting the phone in his pocket before Baekhyun could get any more ideas. He wonders, for a brief moment, if Sehun’s getting in trouble with his manager. He’d ask about it but they don’t usually talk about anything problematic.

 

“I read a preview of a message saying something like _‘Where are you? Don’t ignore my calls!’_ I didn’t answer it because I remembered that one time you got so mad when I answered the call for you.” Baekhyun laughs, it was only a few months ago when his manager had told him never to let _‘that annoying kid who sticks to you like gum during shift hours’_ to answer his calls ever again if he cares about his job. Luhan still doesn’t know what Baekhyun said to his manager over the phone to make him go mad but knowing Baekhyun, there aren’t much limits to what he might’ve said.

 

“Well, I did almost get fired.” he says. Although he does laugh to make sure Baekhyun doesn’t think he’s still mad at him for it. The smile on Baekhyun’s face lingers before his expression changes to worry.

 

“What happened back there though? When you were showering?”

 

“I was reaching for,” _the bottle of lube_ “shampoo bottle in the shower caddy, but I slipped so I fell,” _on top of Sehun._ “It’s no big deal. I’m fine.”

 

Baekhyun nods, seemingly convinced with the white lie. He holds the bowl with one hand to drink the remaining soup of the ramen. “Kim Candy here was worried. He couldn’t stop telling me to see if you’re okay.”

 

“It seemed pretty bad from the outside.” Joonmyun reasons, he seems flustered and he grips on the cloth of his jeans. He’s eyeing Luhan with much focus from his face to his choice of clothes. And it doesn’t come off as a surprise since he does look ridiculous wearing something that looks two sizes too big. Although, Baekhyun doesn’t seem to think what he’s wearing is unusual almost as if he’s used to it (or maybe he’s just distracted with the food).

 

“Can you send me that photo of you that you have as a wallpaper?” Baekhyun suddenly asks when he’s done with what once was Luhan’s supposed-to-be breakfast. He reaches out to tickle the underside of his chin but Luhan doesn’t feel it given that his chin is all covered up. “Didn’t know our Luhan was the type to take selcas pretending to be asleep.”

 

Luhan furrows his eyebrows in confusion before taking out the phone and pressing on the center button. The screen lights up and he sees the photo used as a lock screen. It’s a photo of him. A close-up one taken from the side. His right cheek is rested on an arm (he could tell it’s Sehun’s though anyone who’d see it can assume it’s his own), and his eyes are closed.

 

“Minseok’s sister probably changed it too this,” he lies and groans in fake annoyance before laughing it off. It’s the type of thing she would do even if he’s lying about it. Luhan’s tongue tends to slip a lot of times even when it’s unnecessary. “We should go. We only have fifteen minutes left before class.” he absentmindedly puts the phone back in his pocket. He feels tingly all over his arms and cheeks so he pulls the turtleneck higher as he turns his back.

 

It isn’t long before they’re out of the unit and Baekhyun’s babbling about something he doesn’t quite catch as they step in the elevator to go to the basement parking lot. He keeps quiet as Baekhyun talks and Joonmyun comments every once in a while.

 

Sehun’s probably out of the closet now, maybe lazing on the couch watching television or cleaning up and washing the dishes before taking his leave to wherever he’s supposed to be in. Maybe it’s a taping for his drama, or practice. He doesn’t know, but a few minutes before Sehun leaves is a long stretch although not much.

 

He considers stepping out of Joonmyun’s car with an excuse to skip class and spend more time with Sehun instead, but Joonmyun’s started the car and Baekhyun’s already complaining about the run they’ll have to do because he has a feeling they’ll be late if they don’t. So he settles himself at the back seat, convincing himself that he should stop being too obsessive and clingy. But he’s never been too good with listening to the voices in his head. It doesn’t matter anymore when he’s in it too deep.

 

•••

 

Baekhyun runs out of the car as soon as Joonmyun manages to find a parking spot. It’s only a five minute walk from the carpark to their classroom and running would only reduce it by a few minutes. But they’re already late for their lecture so a few minutes won’t make much difference anyway.

 

“Thanks for the ride,” Luhan says, and Joonmyun smiles at this as he begins to walk.

 

“I’ll walk you to class.”

 

“You don’t have this class with us though,” Luhan points out.

 

Joonmyun seems surprised. “You know?” he laughs and presses on a button to lock the car. “It’s alright.”

 

The walk is silent. Awkward, even since Joonmyun attempts to hold a conversation except Luhan doesn’t really have any proper response to keep it alive. Eventually, Joonmyun gives up and lets the silence take over.

 

“Have a good day, Luhan-sshi.” he says before they part when they’re in front of the classroom already. Luhan smiles and waves at him.

 

“Why are you still outside?” he asks Baekhyun who he just noticed was still outside the lecture room. His shoulder is leaning on the wall and he has a devilish smile on his lips.

 

“Prof Lee is late.” Baekhyun’s wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Luhan nods before Baekhyun starts flailing around. “He’s so into you, don’t be a blind bat!” Baekhyun slaps his arm before pulling him inside the lecture room. Some of their classmates shout out to say hi, and one even comments on Luhan’s sweater. “He’s even rich maybe he can top that rich boyfriend you had before.”

 

“You know about da--” he stops. He raised his voice too much. “That ex?”

 

“Yeah. You mentioned him once.” Baekhyun says coolly as they take a seat in the middle of the room. The story’s new to him and he doesn’t remember even mentioning any of his past lovers to Baekhyun before.

 

“When?”

 

Baekhyun stops for awhile, finger tapping on the surface of his lips. “At my birthday, we were playing Truth or Drink and you kept choosing drink so I hit you enough times to have you choose truth.”

 

“I did?” He closes his eyes, attempting to re-imagine the scene except he can only remember a lot of drinking and laughing. “I don’t remember…”

 

“You were really drunk. You actually talked as if you didn’t care.” Baekhyun laughs at the memory. He racks his brain to remember but nothing comes to mind so he stops when Professor Lee enters minutes later with an excuse saying he had personal matters to attend to as to why he was late.

 

“Heard he’s banging Professor Ji, must be what he meant by personal matters.” Baekhyun whispers.

 

“Isn’t she married?” Baekhyun rocks his eyebrows twice and looks at the professor nastily. “Where do you even hear those?” he asks. Baekhyun doesn’t answer and instead looks at Luhan with a sly grin on his face.

 

Thirty minutes into the lecture he feels something vibrating in his pocket and he knows it’s not his phone because he always keeps that in his backpack. He closes his eyes with unbelief. He just had to be careless enough to bring Sehun’s phone with him. _Whoever’s calling would give up eventually,_ he thinks.

 

But whoever’s on the other line doesn’t stop calling even after ten minutes so he excuses himself out of class to answer the call. He glances at the screen and sees the call is from _Phone 2._ He slides his thumb on the screen as he walks at the hallways to exit the building.

 

“Luhan,” It’s Sehun and he almost drops the phone even if he’s already expected it to be him. “Hi.”

 

“I brought your phone with me.” Luhan says, stating the obvious. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I can tell.” Sehun laughs. His cheeks are tingling and he has the urge to just hide under the oversized sweater he’s wearing. He’s not mad. “That’s the phone I use for work, I can’t even call our manager to come and pick me up so I asked Jongin to get me picked up. But I still need the phone. I’m on my way.”

 

“You’re coming to my university?” he blurts out, he halts his steps.

 

“Do you want to meet someplace else?”

 

“There’s a cafe called _Sonagi_ that’s near.”

 

There are hushed whispers on the other side before Sehun speaks again, “I’ll see you there.”

 

“Okay. Bye.”

 

Luhan decides not to come back to class anymore after he hangs up the call. He feels fidgety, it’ll be the first time he’s meeting Sehun outside of the walls of their homes since the first time they met at the Han River. It’s no big deal, he convinces himself. He’s just going to hand him the phone he accidentally took because of his stupidity.

 

Sonagi is a fairly large cafe a few blocks away from his university. The place has a warm feel to it, sort of like the sun shining after the rain. Luhan used to spend a lot of time in here when he was just studying Korean in the Institute. He still does, but he usually only goes when Minseok’s on shift and he watches him make drinks during his free time. There aren’t much people around except for a few university students finishing their reports or burying themselves in textbooks and coffee.

 

The girl manning the counter seems more absorbed with using her phone than taking orders because Luhan had to call for her attention before she starts noticing him. She stares at Luhan a little longer than she should.

 

“Um,” Luhan says attempting to call for her attention. But it’s futile since her gaze on Luhan’s face doesn’t falter. _It’s probably the sweater,_ he thinks.

 

“Luhan?” Minseok says in surprise as he comes out from the kitchen door wearing a black apron. His eyes blink more than usual and he has a smile on his face. “Jinri, Don’t take his order, it’s on me.” the girl looks at Minseok warily before she shrugs, turns to look at Luhan one last time and continues to scroll on her phone.

 

“So uh,” Minseok starts, he has his back turned to him as he does something with the coffee machine. “Are you mad at me? You’ve been a little off since the last time I…”

 

Minseok didn’t even bother to talk about something else and went straight to the point. He’s always admired that about Minseok. “Oh no, no, no…” Luhan says defensively. “It’s just one of those days. You know how I am.”

 

Minseok isn’t convinced but he lets it go anyway. It isn’t the first time he’s used the excuse. They don’t talk anymore and he lets the sound of the coffee machine, keyboard taps, the indie music playing in the background fill in the silence. It’s not awkward, and Minseok is humming too even when he’s done with the iced mocha drink and puts it in front of Luhan from the counter.

 

“Don’t even bother taking your wallet out.” he says with finality. So he doesn’t and instead thanks him for it with a smile. Minseok leans in the counter with his forearms pressed on the tabletop.

 

“My sister said she misses you, she’s asking if you can come by for Chuseok, you aren’t going anywhere right?”

 

“I’m not,” He usually spends Chuseok with Zitao since the both of them don’t have families to visit in the country. Only this year, Zitao’s visiting his parents in Qingdao so he’s left alone to do nothing.

 

“Enjoy your drink.” Minseok winks before he chuckles and goes back to the kitchen.

 

 _cheer up_ _,_ Minseok had written at the side of his plastic cup. It still bewilders him how Minseok is totally different when he knows what kind of mood Luhan is in. They’ve already known each other since Luhan first moved in Korea and although Luhan knows he isn’t exactly thrilled whenever Luhan’s being persistent in getting Minseok to date him, Minseok knows enough just what to say to Luhan in all situations (except when he’s rejecting him, of course).

 

It’s one of the reasons why he liked him in the first place. The message serves as a reminder and he smiles to himself.

 

The girl on the counter stops typing on her phone to take a glance at Luhan. He doesn’t pay attention to it anymore as he finds a seat somewhere by the corner of the coffee shop, away from the other customers inside.

 

Sehun’s phone vibrates and it’s a text message. _whoever u are, pls an…_ , the preview of the text only reads up to there. The phone starts vibrating again and although he’s reluctant to do so, he picks up the phone. But not before reading the caller ID: _Kim Kai._

 

“Hello?” the person on the other line says. Luhan doesn’t speak.

 

“You must be Sehun’s girlfriend?” he asks all too suddenly. Luhan almost spits his drink out so he swallows it and puts the rest on the table.

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Oh.” He probably didn’t expect a guy’s voice. “So you’re a friend of Sehun?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Are you with him right now?”

 

“No.” He hums in response before he sighs. Luhan doesn’t have a good feeling about this. Maybe he shouldn’t have answered the call.

 

“But you’re meeting him, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I don’t really want to do this but our manager-hyung’s pushing me so…” he trails off, he can hear hushed whispers from the other side and some muffling and then silence. He almost thought the call got cut off when he hears someone say, _“Alright, alright. I’ll do it!”_ from the other side.

 

“Okay, ahh…” It’s probably not good. Maybe he should hang up. “Sehun’s been getting a lot of trouble with the managers because he messes up with the schedule a lot of times.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You were with him yesterday, right? He didn’t tell the managers where he was and he missed a schedule with us so we have to reschedule again because he wasn’t around. That’s why the managers asked me to tell you to convince Sehun to go on schedule on time. I mean, he’s staying over yours for now right? I hope you understand.”

 

He didn’t know Sehun was getting trouble for meeting him. His meetings with Sehun were always brief and Sehun always left early in the morning. Except maybe the past few days he’s spent with Sehun were longer than usual.

 

“It’s alright. I was the one who kept forcing him to hangout with me. I thought he only agreed because he didn’t have anywhere to be.” There’s something about the way he says it that almost sounds bitter, he only hopes it doesn’t sound as bad over the phone. “I have something to do though, so I’m hanging up. Bye.” He’s being rude but it isn’t like the one called Kim Kai knows who he is.

 

Sehun’s an idol, he’s also filming a drama and if the speculations written online aren’t wrong, his group’s making a comeback soon in a few months and that’s a lot hectic. He should’ve known. There were times during the past week that he called Sehun over to his house just because he wanted to see him. He questions just how ignorant can he be.

 

“The sweater you’re wearing looks surprisingly good on you.” Sehun greets. There is a sly smile on his face. He has the same drink Luhan has in his hands and he’s wearing a snapback turned backwards. There’s nothing covering his face.

 

“Sehun” he hisses. He didn’t even notice Sehun was already around. _Just how ignorant can you be, Luhan._ He scans the rest of the cafe to see if anyone recognizes him. No one seems to have noticed except for the girl on the counter who isn’t fixated on her phone anymore. He sees Minseok come out from the kitchen again and he’s looking at them too.

 

Luhan motions Sehun to get the phone from under the table. So he does and while he's doing that, Sehun’s fingers brushes with his and he tugs on the sleeve of the sweater to pull it so his fingers are buried inside. It’s only a simple gesture but he trembles slightly because of it.

 

“We’re going on a photoshoot later then I have to shoot some scenes later so I don’t know what time I’ll be back.” Sehun tells him. He just nods, barely acknowledging what he just said. If you stay any longer, will you get in trouble too? Luhan looks at the way Sehun is smiling so freely without a care.

 

“You should go,” Luhan says. Sehun’s eyes widens and he eyes Luhan with confusion. He didn’t mean to sound too eager for Sehun to leave. “I wouldn’t want you to be late.” he adds. His face softens and he leans in to kiss luhan but Luhan only stares at him blankly and he gets the hint. They’re in a public place. Minseok’s looking at them and the girl has her phone out that’s discreetly facing them.

 

“See you tonight.” Luhan nods and Sehun reaches for his hand under the table. Their fingers interlace with one another and they stay like that for seconds.

 

“You should go,” Luhan mouths. Sehun nods, his phone rings and it’s probably his manager. Luhan can see someone from the wall that’s all glass that there’s a van with a rolled up window with a man holding a phone to his ear who’s peeking inside the coffee shop. Luhan pulls his hand away.

 

He’s so busy.

 

Sehun answers the call and he stands up to make his exit. Luhan watches him with his back turned away from him as he pushes to glass door open and stops to listen to what the guy sitting in the front seat had to say. It looked like a scolding and it only lasts for a minute before he jumps inside the van.

 

He doesn’t feel like finishing the rest of his drink but he forces himself to down it anyway. His next class is starting soon and when he’s done with it he approaches the counter to say his goodbye.

 

“Who was that?” Minseok asks him.

 

“I don’t know he just asked if he can share the table with me,” Luhan says, slipping out of his tongue easily. The girl at the counter slaps Minseok’s arm and whispers something to him.

 

“He’s EXO?” Minseok blurts out as she slides away on her phone and shows him something on her phone. Luhan says goodbye and he doesn’t wait for Minseok to respond before he gets out of the cafe. His next class starts in twenty minutes and he can't afford to skip it anymore.

 

•••

 

Baekhyun didn’t buy it when Luhan said he was feeling sick so he didn’t come back when Luhan got in the lecture hall for their next class. So even when they went their separate ways with him going back home to prepare for work, Baekhyun walks in two hours later and spends his time bombarding Luhan with questions who’s busy either wiping the tables or restocking the shelves.

 

“No really, Luhan, darling. You can’t fool me.”

 

“Then believe what you want.” he says without taking a glance at Baekhyun as he busies himself with checking the aisles and shelves. Baekhyun takes a deep breath and tugs on Luhan's shirt to face him.

 

“You didn't come back to class!” Baekhyun says firmly. His tone is different than the usual. He hasn't heard it since last semester when Luhan was sick with ulcer for a few days and didn't attend class for a week and when he did, Baekhyun attacks him with questions as soon as he's seen him around the Business department's building (but Baekhyun didn't need to know that though).

 

_("I went back home to Beijing. I would've answered the door if I was around when you visited."_

_"No really, Luhan, dear. You can't fool me."_

_"Then believe what you want.")_

 

Baekhyun hooks one hand on the shelf. His mind is a storm and it didn't take much for Luhan to figure that out. Sometimes Luhan thinks Baekhyun worries too much.

 

There are times when he thinks his concern is a burden.

 

"I thought maybe, something happened like last time you--" he stops, closing his eyes for a few seconds before reopening them. He takes a glance at Luhan and studies his expression for a moment. He continues, "just if something happened tell me, okay? You--"

 

“I went to see Minseok." he blurts out, being the first thing that came to mind as an excuse. He bites back his lips as he picks up the bag of chips that fell on the floor back to the shelf. Baekhyun will believe him, he hopes, because Baekhyun was around when Luhan escapes himself from group dates with the class whenever he knows Minseok's on shift.

 

“You still like Minseok? I thought…” Baekhyun huffs. “I thought you were over him when you met Kim Candy!”

 

“Why would I be over him?" He tries to ignore how Baekhyun is trying to catch his full attention. "I've been trying to get him to date me for three years.” he adds.

 

“Your crush on him was never that deep!” Luhan was about to say something when Baekhyun beats him to it. “And you were acting so weird these past few weeks! You skipped class, you skipped work! I assumed you had a secret boyfriend but it’s clear that you think Joonmyun is hot and I know you wouldn’t hide your boyfriend from me if you had one!"

 

He couldn’t be any more wrong because Sehun is Sehun who was hiding in his closet just hours ago and Luhan is Luhan who still hasn't seen himself pop up in gossip articles online. And maybe it should stay that way because no one wants to know that EXO's Sen is actually gay. _No one needs to know that,_ he thinks. _Sehun wouldn't want that. For people to find out about us, about him._

 

He feels a little guilty about hiding Sehun from Baekhyun. But it isn’t only his secret to tell. It’s Sehun’s too.

 

“What if I was hiding a secret boyfriend, then?” he says, testing the waters. He glances at Baekhyun through his peripheral vision.

 

“Even if you were hiding one, chances are I’d find out who he is. The only reason why I found out about your flings is because the guys you hooked up with were blabbermouths and always at the gay clubs and bars you go to looking for a good fuck or just someone named Luhan."

 

“Tell me something that isn’t from 2013.” Luhan spits. Two years is a long time ago and he’d rather not be reminded of it. He checks the shelves, they’re out of the double dip Peperos already, he’ll have to check the storage room for that.

 

“Is Lulu hyung mad? I’m sorry Lulu hyung.” Baekhyun coos, tapping on the underside of his chin gently.

 

“Don’t call me hyung,” Luhan glares at him. “I’m working.” He sees Baekhyun looking guilty and he thinks he might’ve been too harsh so he smiles and reassures Baekhyun he’s fine and he’s relieved when Baekhyun has a grin back on his face and decides to let Luhan work in peace as he chats up with the lady with her kid by the tables instead.

 

He wonders for a moment about what Baekhyun said. It is true that Luhan hid his flings from Baekhyun just because they were completely irrelevant. And right now, Luhan is hiding Sehun. Is Sehun a fling, then?

 

He shakes his head involuntarily, he should stop thinking. And it isn't like he ever mentioned any of his past relationships to Baekhyun except that one time he did when he was drunk. But Baekhyun did know he had a boyfriend though, nearly everyone in his classes knew since that one incident happened that lead to having everyone find out his sexual preference isn't like most people.

 

He should really just focus on work right now.

 

By the time it's nine p.m., he clocks out and changes out of his work clothes in the back room. He grabs his backpack before exiting the room while fishing his phone out inside. There are a few messages like Zitao’s _r u free at sat?_ and some from Baekhyun spamming him random things sent while he was still on shift.

 

There’s one message from Sehun.

 

_my drama is on at 10 if you want to watch it_

 

He texts Zitao back a _maybe_ before putting his phone back inside. Baekhyun's still trying to make friends with anyone sitting beside him at the tables. He makes sure he isn't looking at him before he goes at the other side of the counter and gets something from the shelves on it.

 

"Sangjoon, can I borrow the register for a second?" he asks one of his co-workers manning the register. He only nods as a response before backing away to let Luhan use the cash register. He doesn't talk much. Luhan's just thankful for that whenever he asks him the same question and he doesn't have to explain himself.

 

"What are you doing with the machine, Luhan?" Heechul, the store's manager asks when he sees Luhan slipping a five thousand won bill in the cash register. Luhan flinches causing what he's holding to fall down on the white tiles.

 

"Are those--"

 

"They're mints!" His voice is of panic. He picks the item up on the floor and shoves it inside the pocket of his backpack.

 

"As long as you paid for them." Heechul shrugs before closing the register for him, Luhan breathes a sigh of relief. "Tell that Baekhyun kid to leave if he isn't going to buy anything and just chase our customers away."

 

"I'll try."

 

He looks over at Baekhyun who's busy flirting with the school girls drinking banana milk through a straw. They seem entertained, he could see the blush creeping on one of the girls as her friends secretly nudge her under the table with their foot.

 

Luhan smiles at the sight. _If only they know,_ he thinks.

 

•••

 

Baekhyun coaxes him into watching Sehun's drama at his apartment he shares with his brother, Baekbeom and his wife. He was going to watch it anyway when he gets home because it isn’t as if he has anything else he’d rather do.

 

 _Home of Friends,_ as the description calls it, is a drama based on the male lead, Choi Sangwoo, who is problematic and has a habit of running away from one place to another when he meets the female lead, Kang Chaera, the Landlord's daughter in the new _share house_ he’s renting, who he finds mysterious enough to make him want to stay.

 

"I hope the drama isn't as dull as the description." Baekhyun tells him when they’re hunched over on the couch with a bowl of chips in front of them on top of the coffee table and the episode starts with the lead guy, Sangwoo in his high school uniform, a flashback before the actual story starts.

 

Sehun doesn't make an appearance until after the first commercial break ends. Baekhyun screamed and Baekbeom doesn’t even bother to tell Baekhyun off because he’s used to it when he’s checking on his students’ papers at the kitchen. His wife was watching with them, and the both of them laughed at Baekhyun’s reaction.

 

“He’s really dedicated to his baby.” she tells Luhan when Baekhyun’s too busy shouting out obscene things without a care.

 

Sehun had light brown hair in the drama and he’s in a high school uniform as Jaehun with Sangwoo smoking as they walk the streets. They talked of things, plans of going to the same college to plans of playing pool instead of going home before they got interrupted by a group of other guys from a different school. Apparently, Sangwoo caused trouble with one of the guys a few days ago.

 

At first, they only ganged up on Sangwoo when Jaehun stepped in to help him out, giving and getting a few bruises and cuts here and there until they found a way to escape.

 

The next scenes had Jaehun and Sangwoo getting called up to the Principal's office when they got a report from another school about the two of them beating their students up. There were even photos of them playing victim as Sehun threw jabs and punches. None of the photographs captured Sangwoo, though.

 

In the end, Jaehun admitted to getting involved in the fight. But when the principal turned to Sangwoo, that's when Sangwoo started crying and saying they were Jaehun's friends who were ganging up on him when someone from their side said something that made Jaehun mad that created a bigger fight.

 

The principal believed him because Sangwoo was part of the top students in the school and Jaehun wasn't.

 

Jaehun talked to Sangwoo when they were told to leave the office. He said that he understands him, because Jaehun is understanding and always lets others step on him and get away with it. That's how Sehun portrayed Jaehun who was kicked out of school and took all the blame from Sangwoo's shoulders.

 

The words _seven years later_ flashes after Sangwoo packs away and goes to the train station before sunrise.

 

“This bastard betrayed my baby, what the fuck!” Baekhyun was furious and Baekbeom shouts "It's just a drama!" when Baekhyun was getting too loud.

 

Sehun’s next and last scene was ten minutes before the episode ended. Sangwoo came to the share house to sign the contract for a space when he sees Jaehun in the living room. Sangwoo was surprised to see him but greets him like an old friend. Jaehun has a smile on his face, looking excited after finding out Sangwoo was going to move in and says they should catch up. Sangwoo was relieved that Jaehun isn’t mad at him. Only when Sangwoo has his back turned does the camera focus on Jaehun’s face, his expression grim.  (“Oh shit, he looks evil.” Baekhyun says.)

 

“I didn’t expect the lead to be such a dick.” Baekhyun comments when the commercials started rolling.

 

“Guess having antiheroes is a trend then.” Luhan says, though he doesn’t really agree.

 

He could relate to him, after all.

 

“I should’ve read the other character descriptions other than Sen’s.” Baekhyun laughs. “Baby SenSen’s acting is so natural.”

 

Luhan nods in response. Sehun's acting was good. Too good, really. Sometimes he doesn’t even feel like he’s Sehun at all when he was watching him on the screen. He even had to remind himself that it's all just an act.

 

He closes his eyes and sighs before letting himself relax on the couch.

 

“It’s pretty late. If you’re lucky you can find a cab that won’t rip you off your money if you go now.” Baekhyun tells him when he turns the television off. Baekbeom says, "Thank God it's over." a little too loudly from the kitchen.

 

Baekhyun shouts just one last time to annoy his brother as he laughs before he turns his attention back to Luhan, "Are you gonna go home or sleepover?"

 

The idea of a sleepover is nice, he thinks when he already feels sleep crawling to him on that couch. But he'd rather not. He's tired and honestly all he wants to do is go home and take a long shower and sleep and maybe never wake up. It doesn’t bother him at all. But then he remembers he still has to graduate and getting a degree should be his priority right now and that going back to his apartment means the inevitability of seeing Sehun. And even if he tries to deny it, being with Sehun won’t let him get a wink of sleep with all the thoughts running in his mind whenever he’s with him.

 

He has too many problematic thoughts he can’t avoid anymore with a sane mind. So he opens his eyes and turns to Baekhyun.

 

“Do you want to go out for a drink?”

 

•••

 

_a re you home yet? i think filming ends around 1_

_i’ll be home by then_

_filming just ended i already miss having my hands around you_

_i’m in your apartment right now, where are you?_

_answer my calls_

_where are you???_

_luhan_

_luhan its 2 alrdy_

_luhan_

_lu_

 

•••

 

He rests his head on the wooden door and closes his eyes and tries not to be sober enough to think. Except it doesn’t really work when he starts counting all the days that’s passed since the day he met Sehun with both of his hands, curling each finger out exaggeratedly. “Eighteen… eighteen days.” he whispers.

 

It’s only been that long but somehow he feels like whatever he’s feeling right now is too much to have fit in the little time they’ve spent together.

 

So maybe he’s a little obsessed with Sehun. It’s not a bad thing, he supposes, they are sort of dating and he has feelings that Sehun may or may not have as well. It’s not wrong to be upset over mundane things like someone asking if he could spend less time with Sehun or that he’s doubting Sehun’s sincerity just because his acting was just that good. And it also isn’t Sehun’s fault that he starts thinking they’re just a fling because really, it might as well be true. As far as Luhan knew, Sehun’s never mentioned that they were a couple.

 

He realizes, as he drinks away his thoughts down the drain, that they were just two people who had too many failed dates that casually fuck each other just for the fun. Heck, Sehun lied to him, hid his fame and identity. Maybe he had fun fooling Luhan whenever he talked about his failed auditions with the sad tone of his voice. He felt sorry for him back then, because during those talks they had, he could relate and Sehun almost feels flawed and human much like him. And it hurts, a little, because he can’t even get that mad at Sehun because after all, he just can’t get mad at him when Sehun takes care of him, and makes him eat Chinese take-out when he’d normally ignore the rumbling in his stomach. Sehun is all playful banters and careless laughs and an escape from everything else that goes on in the world when it’s just the two of them and nothing else.

 

Sehun makes him believe that his life isn’t as dull after all when he saw that his eyes were filled with a certain spark, so much brighter than his own that has faded as he grew older and saw the world as it is.

 

The thought of it being all an act makes his insides twist with knots. It’s not a good feeling, it isn’t even a thought he’d like to think about. Maybe Sehun doesn’t even like him, maybe he likes the sex but now that Luhan knows who he is, the fun is gone and he’s just waiting for the right time to leave. Who knows, maybe Sehun left his phone on the table so Luhan would have it, told that Kim Kai to call his number and tell him that Sehun is getting in trouble for spending too much time with him when in reality, he just wants Luhan to get out of his life.

 

There’s always the possibility.

 

His mind gets filled with thoughts he's been trying to supress for a long time. It felt like his mind's in a stormy haze and he can't do anything about it.

 

But who knows, maybe Sehun does care. Maybe it isn’t an act. Maybe Sehun isn’t going to leave him. Maybe Sehun likes him too. _Maybe._

 

The door opens and the back of his head hits on a pair of long legs before he’s completely lying down on the wooden floorboards.

 

“Luhan!” Sehun exclaims before pulling Luhan up by his arms, he fails though, when Luhan flails his arms around and hits Sehun without much accuracy as he hits the air more times than Sehun himself.

 

“I wanted to rest but…” Luhan pouts as he thrashes around like a five year old. “You opened the door!”

 

"I'm sorry?" Sehun attempts to hold Luhan up but he doesn't budge as he relaxes on the floor.

 

“Why were you sneaking out? Wait,” Luhan laughs. “You always do that anyway.”

 

“I was going to look for you. It’s three a.m., Luhan.” Sehun deadpans, he successfully brings Luhan up as he carries him in his arms with the other side of his knees and his back hooked above his arms.

 

“You won’t even know where to find me if you looked.” Luhan mutters. He wanted to break away from his embrace but Sehun's arms were too comfortable and it felt as if his chest was asking Luhan to lay his head on it so he does and he lets himself relax with the one who had been the cause of his internal conflicts in the first place.

 

“I found you now, didn’t I?”

 

He vaguely remembers getting a shower with Sehun. His cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling just because he can’t handle Sehun anymore. All that he does is resist himself from laughing before giving up and end up laughing hard and he’s so cute when he does that and what did Luhan ever do to deserve having this guy massage shampoo on his hair and tolerate him talking non-stop about things he’s not even sure what are anymore.

 

Soon enough, they’re both lying on the bed and he doesn’t know why Sehun’s looking at him as if he’s done something so amusing. He makes contact with his eyes, and it’s always been the same bright eyes that are unreadable. Unlike his. It’s embarrassing, because his feelings are probably brighter in the dark and there is no way he can hide them in his vulnerable state.

 

“You’re so cute.”

 

Luhan’s face falls, “I’m not cute,” he says. Sehun tightens his hold on Luhan’s waist, “Don’t touch me.”

 

“Okay.” Sehun pulls away and settles himself a good few inches away when Luhan pulls on Sehun’s shirt.

 

“Why are you sleeping with a shirt on? You usually keep it off.” Luhan mutters. Sehun laughs, and it’s a beautiful sound.

 

“Do you want me to take it off?’

 

“Yeah…” Luhan lifts the shirt up from below, until it’s lifted high enough and Sehun takes it from there and takes the shirt off himself. He brushes his hand on his abs, and he feels it shiver under his touch. He can hear Sehun chuckle, and if his eyes didn’t feel so heavy he’d open them just so he could see the sight of him doing that just because he knows he'll look perfectly beautiful, he always does anyway.

 

In his eyes, Sehun is perfect, he's everything he'll never be and someone he'll always want even if Sehun is a fantasy. He knows time will come and reality will hit him hard in the face when he wakes up. Being with Sehun is too good to be true and Luhan doesn't want to believe even if he already does.

 

Sehun grabs on Luhan’s hand and lets it rest on his neck before pulling him by the waist easily with one hand.

 

“You’re so small, so thin… you should eat more.”

 

“You’re a great actor, Oh Sehun. Always acting like you care.”

 

“Sleep well, Lu.” Sehun pulls him closer, and he falls asleep with his ear flat on Sehun’s chest.

 

•••

 

There was a time, the week before, when Luhan had Sehun on top of him on his bed with four fingers buried deep inside as he stretches his hole with each thrust. They had movie tickets set aside at the side table all crumpled and forgotten when they both decided to just stay in and cut the act of them dating not just for the sex. By the time he pulls his fingers out and watches Luhan slick his cock for him with slow and languid strokes, Sehun puts one hand on his waist and the other tangling with his hair dyed the lightest shade of brown. Sehun ghosts his lips from his shoulders to his jaw, leaving light and fleeting kisses in the process. Luhan shudders at this, he wraps his arms around Sehun’s neck as he feels the tip of Sehun’s cock pressed on his spot.

 

Sehun settles his lips right on his jaw and sucks on it. He pecks it softly right after he’s done, he then nips on his earlobe as he rubs circles with his thumb on his back.

 

“Do you trust me?” Sehun whispers in between deep intakes of breath. It’s not an everyday question. But there's only two ways he can answer, yes or no. And Luhan just has to pick either one of the two to get it over with.

 

“Luhan,” Sehun breathes, the pressure of his thumb in contact with his skin increases. It’s strong enough to leave a light bruise but the thought’s at the very back of his mind, “do you trust me?”

 

There’s a hint of panic in his voice, so Luhan calms him down by nuzzling his face closer to Sehun’s as he takes one arm off his neck and uses it to push lightly on Sehun’s chest before he uses full force to switch their positions. Sehun doesn’t stop Luhan from spreading his legs wider and angling his hips before pushing himself down in one swift movement, taking all of Sehun in without a warning. Sehun’s eyes widen in surprise as the wave of pleasure hits him, question already long forgotten as Luhan eases Sehun's cock in and out of his walls. Luhan, as he does this, thinks of something that burns at the back of his mind with each thrust.

 

_Can I trust you?_

 

 


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 16.2k words.

Luhan met Sehun around the same time summer vacation ended.

 

Summer vacation hadn't been the best days for Luhan. They have never been anyway and this year is no exception. His father hasn't been picking up his calls and as much as he hates asking him money for tuition (he usually doesn’t have to but for some reason his bank account’s still as empty as it was since last semester), he has to. Given that his part-time job isn't even nearly enough to provide for his education.

 

He doesn’t even like going to class especially since studying Business isn’t his choice. But he’d rather go to school than wilt away with how his days are flying by without a care. He hadn’t even bothered to worry about registering for classes he actually thinks are mildly interesting and instead asked Baekhyun what classes are he going to take. He ended up sharing a good half of his schedule with Baekhyun and the other half with classes he randomly picked out on the second day of registration.

 

Everyday felt like a routine, waking up was a chore and eating was a bother as well. He spends day after day watching Chinese dramas on the television and drowning himself with whatever addiction he’s developed. There’s also Zitao who he meets up with at least once a week. Then there’s Minseok who drops by his apartment to come with him for work and Baekhyun who calls him at least once a day. By the time it's five in the afternoon he goes to work and go straight home after when he’s done and sleep after spending a good hour trying to get his calls picked up his father.

 

Besides spending his time with either watching Minseok brewing drinks in Sonagi, the occasional visits from Zitao to keep him sane, or listening to Baekhyun’s rambling on the phone as he hums every few seconds to assure him that he hasn’t hanged up. He spends it in isolation beyond the railings and steps of where the Han river is with his bare feet lapsing with the coldness of it. He spends it cooped up inside the bathroom lighting his life away for hours in the bathtub with bottles and bottles of soju as he watches the smoke in his eyes go hazy with alcohol.

 

His life wasn’t exactly sad or depressing, it’s not all smiles either. It was just a phase, he supposes. A time where he just didn’t feel like doing anything at all when there’s no more motivation or drive to get him through his days. But sometimes it doesn’t seem so when he’s with Minseok who tries his best to lift him up in subtle ways, or Zitao who still makes time for him despite having demanding work hours, and of course Baekhyun who’s in Bucheon visiting his folks who has no idea that Luhan is going through a tough time.

 

During those times, he feels like he's okay, that he isn’t sad and he isn’t depressed. There are people who still cares about him so there’s no reason for him to be that way. However, it’s different whenever he’s left alone with his thoughts. The way his mind thinks when it’s too quiet and there are no other voices and distractions to keep them away pushes him down into a dark abyss where he struggles to climb up from through various means.

 

Honestly, he doesn’t remember what triggered the slump in his life. It just happened after spring semester ended. Most of the time, he could never tell either and he just lets himself be anyway until he gets pulled out. It isn’t as if his world is ending, it isn’t the first time either, he’s gotten used to it that dealing with it isn't much of a challenge anymore. That’s why he still tries his best to keep himself in check and do things that he thinks can take him away from his thoughts.

 

That’s what he thought when he asked Minseok out for the first time since summer began.

 

“Let’s go on a date.” he declares when Minseok’s closing up the cafe and he and Luhan are the only ones left inside. He watches Minseok still his movements from wiping the blender with a towel.

 

“I thought we were over this since the last time.” he says as he resumes what he’s doing. Luhan taps his fingers on Minseok’s textbooks on top of the counter. There’s a pad of post-it’s too and a pen. He takes it and writes:  _Kamong Cafe (Seocho). 2 PM. -Luhan._

 

“I could never get over you,” Luhan laughs. Minseok shakes his head saying he isn’t coming repeatedly. Luhan already knows he isn’t. But there’s no harm with trying. “There’s this really great cafe a friend recommended.”

 

“You may think you’re in love with me now. But you aren’t.” Minseok puts the towel on top of the counter. Luhan doesn’t pay attention to what he’s saying and instead flips one of the books open and puts the note inside where he’s sure Minseok can see it.

 

Besides, he's only doing this as a desperate attempt to feel something, anything to take him away from his loneliness, to wash away the dull and gray of his life.

 

“I put something inside your textbook. Make sure to read it.”

 

He walks out of the cafe thinking, if Minseok doesn't show up then he doesn't know what else he can do to give his life that one shot of color.

 

He just didn't know then, that Oh Sehun would invade his life the very next day and present him the most beautiful artwork in all shades that is himself.

 

•••

 

Luhan wakes up with something moist pressing sporadically all over his face. It’s not much of a bother, however, there are also arms encaged around him and he's being spooned with a sitting position and the absence of anything that may cushion the back of his head only makes the pounding worse.

 

Without much thought, he groans and flutters his eyes open in a half-lidded gaze. Sehun's grip around him weakens and he buries his face at the side of his neck. Luhan can feel his cheekbones lifting on his skin.

 

“I’m sorry, but did I wake you?” Sehun whispers, the way he says it sounds more amused than apologetic. There’s a tickling sensation on his cheeks and he doubts that it’s coming from the slight friction from Sehun’s hair.

 

 _It’s too early for this,_ he thinks. He wriggles slightly to loosen the grip even more and Sehun laughs deeply, voice groggy from sleep. He could feel the vibrations caused by it from his back. His neck is warm from Sehun’s breath before he feels a pair of soft lips in contact with it. Luhan melts even more than he already has.

 

“Go back to sleep.” Sehun whispers in his ear before laying him down. His head feels at ease and the feeling quickly sweeps him back to sleep as he clutches on a pillow with both his arms and legs.

 

He doesn’t wake up until his alarm goes off at ten o’clock. He wakes up alone. Immediately, he takes the ringing phone off the side table and checks for a text message just in case Sehun left him anything.

 

The only message he gets is from Baekhyun.

 

_gud luk wit ur hngvr swthart~_

He could've sworn he could hear his ringtone and text message notification from his bag several times last night but it must've been his imagination. It takes him a few more minutes before he forces himself to get up for class. His head still aches and so does his back.There is no goodbye nor is there a text message. Luhan doesn’t know if he can get used to this.

 

He makes his way to the bathroom to wash his mouth. Somehow, his eyes feel like falling off and he considers getting back to bed as he splashes his face with water. He takes notice of his appearance, his hair is slightly disheveled and his eyes, a little bloodshot and looks like they’re going to close any time now. There are red and purple marks marring his skin made from Sehun’s mouth that hasn’t faded just yet. He doesn’t look good, he doesn’t feel too good either.

 

With one hand nursing the back of his head as he stretches his neck left and right to pop out the knots, he walks out of the bathroom and closet sluggishly. He becomes aware of his achingly dry throat and faint discomfort on his back and he contemplates whether or not he should fling himself on the bed and just not attend class as he makes his way to the fridge with a glass in his hand and presses on a button to fill it up with water. Only when he does turn around, rim of the glass resting on his lip, does he notice what’s on top of the kitchen island.

 

There’s a bowl of ramen and a carton of milk waiting for him at the breakfast nook. Sehun, the name popping up in his mind. He forgets the pain he feels all over as he smiles to himself, cheeks tingling before he stops himself from assuming any more as he thinks about how the ramen's probably just leftovers and maybe the milk was going to go bad soon and Sehun thought it would be a waste if it expires.

 

Sehun is like that, considerate of others just like the first time Luhan saw him handing out an umbrella shyly with his hair and clothes drenched.

 

He doesn't feel like eating but he takes a pair of chopsticks from the utensils cup and forces himself to eat breakfast anyway--for the sake of Sehun’s effort. He doesn't stop until he can see the bottom of the bowl even though he's struggling to push the food down his throat and a feeling of discomfort grows in his stomach with each chew. He attempts to drown it down by chugging on either milk or water but it only made his stomach feel more bloated than necessary.

 

The noodles don't sit too well inside his stomach even after ten minutes has passed since he’s finished and he’s in the shower now still waiting for the stirring in his stomach to fade. The droplets coming out in tepid temperature do no good to ease the sensation out and the more he thinks of it, the more he wants to just land a fist on his stomach and take it all out.

 

It isn’t long before he starts retching and slips on the white tiles on his way to the toilet, forehead first with his head coming in a haze as his vision partially gets filled with black and blue spots. He pays no heed to it as he crawls the rest of the few feet away of a distance with one hand reaching out to the seat cover. He bends over to face the opening of the bowl and uses one hand to clutch his middle. He gags a few more times before the contents of his stomach quickly spill over to the white porcelain.

 

He hates hangovers.

 

•••

It's only fortunate enough that he doesn't have classes during Thursdays, otherwise Luhan would end up skipping them like he always does with the way the hangover is slowly killing him. 

 

He spends the rest of the day listening to songs of EXO huddled up on his bed as he awaits each turn of Sehun’s lines with the soothing voices to occupy his hearing before his turn. He's actually thankful the pounding in his head disables him from thinking too much and the thought of Sehun doesn’t make him feel like he isn’t deserving to even take a glance at him or breathe the same air as him.

 

He also thinks of last night with vague bits still intact in his mind. He remembers walking a few blocks with Baekhyun to a pojangmacha where he drinks bottles and bottles of soju and stuffs himself with hotteok and tteokbokki  under the orange tents, remembers laughing and talking a lot while walking side by side with one arm draped around Baekhyun’s dainty shoulders as the constant beeping of his phone resonates in the background, remembers resting the back of his head on his front door for an hour just thinking and Sehun--he remembers Sehun and his fingers and addictive laugh. That’s pretty much it. He tries to recall if he’s said anything to Baekhyun like the last time but fails.

 

He sleeps for hours and wakes up taking out one pack from the bottom-most part of his drawer where he chews on mints right after to possibly shift his hangover and problematic thoughts away to another. His hangover is taking longer than it usually does.

 

The worst part of his hangover, however, doesn’t last until his shift in NiniMart starts at five much to his advantage. He has a feeling Heechul’s already considering to fire him with all the shift offs he’s taking. Before he goes, he notices how his forehead had grown a little bump and bruise from his fall earlier, and luckily enough, his fringe conceals it like a charm as if it wasn't there in the first place. He goes to work after downing a headache pill that will hopefully help to take him away from his misery.

 

Baekhyun walks in the store almost as soon as he's clocked in and got assigned to take on the counter. And the first thing he says when he sees Luhan is, “You look pale…”

 

“It’s the hangover.”

 

“Oh yeah, right.” Baekhyun laughs. "Class today was a bitch. I’m glad you don't share this class with me.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Prof Ji spent like ten minutes criticizing the reporters for ‘stupidity’ for saying something in English wrong so Business Ethics class became English class real quick even though she was wrong and some of our classmates were laughing at her in the face.” Baekhyun plays with the condoms displayed by the counter. “All bets Prof Ji didn’t get her daily fix of Prof Lee’s dick so she was extra cranky today.”

 

Luhan laughs at this as a customer approaches and Baekhyun has to scoot over a few inches to the side. A wave of nausea hits him for a few seconds as he scans the items and the feeling takes him back to last night when he's in a fit as he tells Baekhyun a story he can't quite recall.

 

When the customer turns her back and leaves, he turns to Baekhyun and asks, "Did I say anything last night?”

 

Baekhyun crosses his arms and puts one finger on his chin as if in deep thought.

 

"You said something interesting." he says with a teasing grin plastered on his face. "I don't know if I should say it though."

 

"Just say it." He says, making a face in mock annoyance. Baekhyun laughs and calls him cute as he attempts to tap his chin before Luhan slaps the hand away.

 

"You said he was a trainee in SM." He finally spills, and Luhan didn't have to ask who because of course he'd talk about _that_ person. "And I did some calculations, he was a trainee around the same time Baby SenSen was too!"

 

"He was?"

 

This came as a shock to him because the thought never even crossed his mind before. But now that it did, with his aching head still in the way, he doesn't know what to feel about it or if he should mind it at all.

 

But then he remembers three years ago, the lights, the stage and the man who had held his hand through it all and someone, someone who he treasures so much he nearly lost himself in the fire, the flames on his skin he could never forget. Three years ago was a time when the last relationship he subconsciously thought was serious came to an end.

 

_("The company's holding another audition. I can help you get in."_

_"I don't need it."_

_"I'll give you anything. Just don't do this to me, baby."_

_"I don't need it.")_

 

"Is that all it?” he asks, voice cold as he arranges the bills inside the cash register to keep his hands busy. He pushes the memories at the back of his mind and it slips away easily as it always does.  _Past is past._

 

Baekhyun nods, “You kept on laughing though as you talked so I couldn’t understand what you were saying with my drunk self. I think you were even talking in Chinese." Baekhyun laughs and Luhan lets out a sigh of relief. His eyes flicker over to Luhan when he fishes his fingers out of the condom boxes, "You doing anything on Sunday?"

 

"I don't think so..."

 

"Great. So like, Joonmyun-hyung has an extra ticket to the football game. FC Seoul against Suwon." Baekhyun takes one hand to cup his own face as he leans on the counter. "K League and all."

 

"You coming?"

 

"Yeah, of course I am." he says it in a way that is questioning. Baekhyun had seemed taken aback by it and his intentions are brighter than ever.

 

“If you're trying to set me up with Joonmyun because you wanted me to date. Thanks but,” he closes the register's drawer with one hand. “I don’t need it.”

 

"But don't you like football? Come on the ticket's free!"

 

"I used to," Luhan crinkles his nose. "Not anymore though."

 

"Why not?"

 

"I just don't." Luhan's starting to feel a little more than just nauseous as he grips on the counter and tries to will it away. Baekhyun must've sensed it so whatever he's about to say gets bitten back in the tongue.

 

“I’ll stop then.” Baekhyun says after seconds of thinking. “But I’m not stopping Joonmyun-hyung though.”

 

"Good enough." Luhan doesn't feel like arguing and it isn't as if Joonmyun is much of a bother so having him around isn't a problem.

 

"Oh and I forgot! You also said he's d..." Baekhyun trails off, his smile is devilish and he looks like he's going to explode from laughter.

 

"Don't." His cheeks feel tingly, he's probably red in the face now and he's trying his best not to make it too obvious that he's embarrassed. “It’s embarrassing.”

 

Baekhyun laughs and tickles the underside of his chin and Luhan doesn't stop him, "Cute.”

 

•••

 

Sometimes Luhan forgets how relaxing it is to have his legs dangling and slightly dipped on the river with his rubber shoes and socks beside him and pants rolled up to the knee.

 

Since Luhan came to Seoul at the age of eighteen, he had always found going to the Han River as one of his favorite pastimes. He likes the quiet and peace that he gets when he wants the sounds of the foreign language to drown out with only his thoughts intact.

 

Just like tonight.

 

One of the countless things Luhan hates about himself is how he overthinks too much. How his mind could conjure up a whole new world where illusions replace reality and he's left with feelings that weren't even there in the first place. In the end, he knows people are going to leave even before he has a chance to push them away for his own good. Luhan isn't like most people, he's more than just problematic and he's long accepted it already that belonging isn't even something he can dream of.

 

And Luhan knows, knows that Sehun is no good for him as much as he isn’t good for him either. But he can’t bring himself to stop when Sehun’s everything he never thought he needed in his life. He convinces himself that what they have is nothing serious. There’s no reason for him to think about it too much just because of a slight change of things. They were all sex and just fun. It’s been like that for awhile and if he doesn’t stop thinking about the possibility of them being more, then he might as well risk losing having Sehun around even if it’s just behind closed doors.

 

He sighs, not wanting to think of it anymore. He unzips his bag and fishes for the familiar glossy feeling in his hands from the packet before he ends up on grabbing on his phone instead when he feels it vibrate under his touch. Someone's calling him.

 

“Ge, are you there? You okay?” Zitao's voice sounded of panic and worry. It’s probably because it took him several tries before Luhan answered.

 

“Yeah. I’m okay.” he reassures Zitao as he looks down at the expanse of water before him. He wonders for a brief moment about how long it’ll take for him to sink if he lets himself drop from where he is.

 

He shakes his head hoping the gesture would take away the thought, “I just called to check up on you.” There is a tired sigh unheard from the other line but Luhan could still hear it despite the absence of sound. He used to talk about how exhausted he is with having to settle being a punching bag in action school since he’s the youngest and newest recruit.

 

“I’m not a kid, you know.” he says, kicking at the surface of the water below his feet. “I’m even older than you, you brat.”

 

“I already know that, of course!” he sputters, his voice cracking and Luhan laughs.

 

“Then stop worrying about me. I’m really fine.”

 

"Fine then."

 

Zitao says goodbye minutes later and when he does, Luhan promptly takes the packet out from the bag as he fumbles to reach the plastic container in his jeans. He stays for another hour before he gets sick of dipping his feet against the current.

 

Luhan takes a few mints from the container in his bag and quickly chews them as he pulls his legs away from the water. He doesn’t unroll his pants down as he slips his feet on a pair of slippers he bought on the way when he decided to go to Ichon Han River Park to unwind just like old times. He stands up, trying to find balance with the balls of his feet, takes one last look at the river before he walks away.

 

•••

 

It doesn’t hit him that he’s living with Sehun until he takes notice of how there are two towels lined up on his rack, an extra addition of toiletries he doesn't remember getting, and that Sehun's unintended drawer is now filled with clothes. There are even several packs of lychee jelly cups stored in his refrigerator.

 

"What the fuck," he mutters as he eyes what once was an almost empty fridge filled with snacks. He just came out from the shower with nothing but a pair of boxer shorts on when he started searching his apartment for any more signs of Sehun moving in.

 

Something akin to anxiety blooms in his chest and his stomach stirs at this because Sehun is living with him.  _Sehun is living with him._

 

The sound of heavy footsteps from his left makes it way into his ears and a thud from something slammed roughly on the couch hit his ears and he cranes his head to see that it's Sehun making his way to the door that leads to the bedroom before he retreats back and checks the laundry room only to close the door back again. Finally he turns to the connected kitchen where he sees Luhan who is staring intently at him.

 

Sehun looks furious and for a moment, his expression softens as he takes in the sight of Luhan before it hardens back without expression left on his gorgeous face.

 

“Was it Jongin?” His voice is low and restrained as if he's struggling not to direct his anger at Luhan. He furrows his eyebrows at this.

 

“The one who asked you to fuck off my life. Is that why you came home drunk?”

 

_Oh._

 

“He just asked me to help you not mess up your group’s schedule.” he says, voice calm. "I just had a few drinks with Baekhyun because he wanted to. What he said doesn't have anything to do with me going home drunk."

 

“But still--”

 

Luhan puts one hand at the back of Sehun's neck and uses the other to cup his left cheek before quickly engulfing him with a kiss. Sehun stands shell-shocked at first before Luhan lightly nips on the bottom of his lip which triggered him to make a move and rest his arm around Luhan's bare waist as he slips his tongue for entrance. Sehun closes the door of the fridge and pins him down on it, fighting for dominance as he grinds his against the bare skin of Luhan's flat stomach.

 

Luhan knows enough to know how easy it is to make Sehun shut up with mere touches and lip-locking, how eager he is whenever their mouths are melded and hands, frantic for touch, dropping all previous thoughts and matters for even the slightest contact.

 

It is something Luhan often takes advantage of.

 

"Let’s not talk about this.” Luhan says when he pulls away for a breath. Their foreheads are against each other, the bump on the surface of his skin hurts at the contact but he'd rather endure than pull away.

 

The look in Sehun's eyes say No but the word, “Okay.” slips out of his mouth hesitantly before he steals one last peck on his lips.

 

"My drama's still on if you want to watch it.” Sehun uses his one hand on Luhan's waist to glide on the on the bones of his ribcage. He smiles to himself when he feels Luhan shiver under his touch as he stares at his bare chest before shifting his eyes to meet Luhan's. "But we probably already missed more than half of the episode."

 

“I’d rather do something else though.” The tone in his voice surprises even Luhan himself. It is only then does he notice that Sehun's neck is lightly dusted with a sheen of sweat and that the way Sehun is looking at him blurs everything else around him with only his eyes that are sharp and larger than life up close like a macro photograph. "Why watch you on screen when you can give me a show live?"

 

"I'll only agree if you give me one first." Sehun whispers with a faint laugh that is supressed by his lips grazing on the tip of Luhan's nose.

 

"You don't even need to ask." he wraps one leg around Sehun's slim waist and Sehun instantly hooks one hand to support his ass and carry him. Luhan presses himself even closer to Sehun he can feel the bulge twitching on his stomach.

 

"Eager already, huh?"

 

"Shut up." Luhan wraps both his arms and legs around Sehun who starts making his way to the bedroom. He removes his forehead away from Sehun's and settles it instead on his neck. His face is burning and he's never been comfortable with anyone seeing him this desperate in normal light.

 

"The other night I came with you naked under the sheets and now you're barely even wearing anything. It's like you're testing my capability to resist you." Sehun says, licking a stripe on his neck sending shivers down Luhan's spine.

 

"Fuck," His voice is shaky and Sehun takes one hand away from Luhan to open the door. "You don't have to resist."

 

He wants oh-so-badly to fuck with him with no feelings and emotions attached. To resist Sehun who doesn't even have to try to make Luhan be so enamored to his whole being. It's only been a few days since he has exposed the facade built with white lies he's been feeding him since day one. But Luhan can't bring himself to hate him because even if he tries, he already knows the truth he can't deny. He buries his face deeper at the crook of Sehun's neck. His voice is muffled when he mutters the next words that come out of his mouth, "I'm all yours."

 

••• 

 

The first thing Luhan asks of whenever he and Sehun are about to fuck, is to turn the lights off. But sometimes he forgets when Sehun’s lips are ghosting on his neck and he can’t be bothered to use words to tell Sehun to switch them off when he’s too busy moaning out Sehun’s name along with obscene phrases shouted in his mother tongue.

 

It had been his tactic before, back then when he casually went around different places looking for a good fuck. He used to dye his hair a lot of times and style it up while mixing his outfits up, as if wearing a different identity each time but still be known as Luhan. Of course, they'd know his name. But his face will be a hazy memory. He may or may not be remembered as beautiful in the dark, some may find him handsome but struggle to point him out in a crowd full of people. And then sooner or later, they're going to try and look for him, asking people around or typing his name up on the internet, only to be disappointed that Luhan can only exist through word of mouth and memory.

 

It was something that Luhan liked. People will leave. Sure. But people won't forget his name. There was something about the thought of having strangers liking the way they felt for one night so much to make them remember his name and try to look for him that gives inexplicable satisfaction to Luhan.

 

Even if his days of sleeping around with just anyone is already long gone, old habits do die hard. Only this time, he doesn't want Sehun to leave with only the name “Luhan” to remember him by. He wants him to remember his face, his touch, and the way he sounds like whenever they're together. He hopes, maybe in the future when Sehun realizes that whatever they have could no longer suffice, Luhan will serve as a beautiful memory etched in his mind.

 

Only maybe Luhan wishes he'll be more than just that.

 

As they enter the bedroom, Luhan latches himself even tighter onto Sehun and he can already feel the pressure building up in his whole body. Luckily for him, the lights are already switched off and only the faint glow from outside and the small stripe poking out from the door left ajar brightens up the dark room.

 

"What's on your mind, pretty?" Sehun whispers as he traces his fingers up and down on the knobs of Luhan's bony spine. Pretty. Luhan used to hate being called that for his slightly feminine face. He had grown to accept it somewhere around the time he moved to Seoul when everyone else used the word to describe him and he had learned to live up to the name. He isn't so fond of it still, but the way Sehun calls him pretty makes the butterflies in his stomach fly wild.

 

"I think you already know." Luhan's voice shakes as Sehun lays him down on the bed. Sehun puts one knee on the edge of the bed and the other in between his thighs. He bends himself down until his face is only a breath away from Luhan's.

 

“I’m not sure though,” Sehun says, voice laced with playful teasing. “Hint, maybe?”

 

"You." Luhan says, exaggerating his puckered lips as he says the word. He pulls Sehun down and flips their positions easily putting him on top with his ass flat on Sehun's growing hard-on.

 

"Too much clothes," Luhan mutters as he pulls Sehun's shirt up. As soon as Sehun's bare chest is in full view, Luhan doesn't take his time to run his hands on the surface. As he does that, Sehun snakes one hand onto the side of Luhan's hips and slips a thumb underneath the garter of his boxers with the other squeezing his thigh upwards until it reaches his butt, his fingers already underneath the tight fit of the fabric.

 

"So pretty." Sehun hisses as his hand does its magic on Luhan's skin, who unconsciously presses himself up and down and even deeper into Sehun's erection. Luhan only notices it when Sehun's moans start filling up the room and he's already so breathless with beads of sweat glistening all over his body. If it had been any other instance, it would take more than just dry humping to have Sehun be in such a state.

 

"You seem tired." Luhan comments, stilling his movements to let Sehun catch up on his breath.

 

"Not tired enough. I could never get tired of you." Sehun rises from his position to pin Luhan down on the bed. He snatches one of Luhan's hands away to glide down on the zipper.

 

"Those pants are too tight." Luhan comments as he watches Sehun peel the jeans off to reveal the tent forming underneath his boxers. There's really no telling how high his excitement is aroused when Sehun guides both of his hands to hook on the garter of his underwear, urging Luhan to just pull it off.

 

And so he does. What happens next results in faint marks of red lines carved down Sehun's back and shoulder blades as Luhan's unkept nails rake frantically with each thrust. Sehun's thumb draws circles on his hips, and when Luhan plunges himself deeper onto his cock, the pressure builds up. Inaudible words are thrown around along with huffs and grunts growing louder as they race to completion.

 

Sehun finishes inside of him not long after he does. And when they're done taking back their stolen breaths, Sehun pulls out and takes the roll of tissue on the bedside drawer to wipe away the cum on both of their bodies and in between Luhan's legs.

 

Everything still feels sticky, although not uncomfortable. Luhan's looking at the window just beside the headboard of the bed covered with raindrops. He didn’t even notice that it had been raining when he was too preoccupied with Sehun, who has his eyes casted on his face with his fingers sliding on the surface of his skin.

 

He wonders how Sehun finds amusement with just simply skimming his fingertips along Luhan's button nose, flushed cheeks down his neck through his collarbones and shoulders until his hand reaches his back to draw nonsensical patterns. Then Sehun slowly draws Luhan closer to his sweat-slicked body.

 

Luhan's cheek is warm as it presses on Sehun's chest. His thumb rubbing on firm muscles yet to be developed. Sehun moves his hands from his back to entangle with Luhan's light brown locks. Luhan winces at the pressure and Sehun doesn't fail to notice.

 

"Don't touch it." Luhan reprimands. Sehun mutters an apology before pulling Luhan up a little closer, taking his chin with his hand and tipping Luhan's head upwards to take a better look at the swelling.

 

"Did you get this when we fell on the tub?" he asks, for a brief moment he sounds awfully worried.

 

"Yeah." Luhan says without thinking, well aware that it was from when he had an upset stomach earlier in the day.

 

"You should be more careful. You aren't even a kid anymore yet still so clumsy." Sehun pinches his nose and Luhan can't stop himself from thinking that maybe Sehun does care beyond courtesy.

 

"I just slipped, okay? You're the one who's like a kid here."

 

 _You're like an overgrown child I have to take care of,_ he thinks.

 

"How so? You're older than me but you wouldn't even remember to eat unless I bring you food."

 

"Don't remind me." He hates having to think about how big of a distance four years is. He moves his head to shake Sehun's grip on his chin away and buries his nose in the jut of Sehun's neck instead.

 

"Such a baby."  _Same to you._

 

Luhan isn't at all prepared when Sehun leans his lips over to his forehead, hand brushing away the strands before leaving a featherlight kiss on the small bump. Luhan thinks, if he's going to fall asleep with the ghost of his lips lingering on his forehead, he'd sleep with the faint traces of a suppressed smile tight on his lips. The contact revives the high he felt from minutes ago and he curses himself inwardly because he knows it will take a while before he can keep himself calm enough to fall asleep.

 

Just when he thinks Sehun's breathing was evening out, what lead them to have Luhan initiate sex in the first place gets thrown right back at him.

 

"What did Jongin--Kai tell you over the phone yesterday?" Sehun asks. Luhan stays silent as if feigning sleep. He knows he isn't fooling Sehun with his act. But he also knows that whatever he says next may lead to what he's always been running away from.

 

Sehun sighs, as if he already knows the answer. Maybe he does and he's only hoping Luhan would confirm it.

 

"If he told you to avoid me, ignore him. I don't want others messing up with what I do with my life. Whatever they say, don't mind. Only listen to me, okay? Will you promise me that?" Sehun tilts his chin up until their eyes meet once again. Their noses are bumping and so are their lips. Luhan closes his eyes. He can't take the look Sehun is giving him, not when they're up-close and filled with things he hopes are just his imagination.

 

Luhan’s never felt the need to lie to Sehun in the two weeks they've spent together. Every single word from his lips had been nothing but real. He had trusted Sehun up to an extent that it could've been considered blind. Every time Sehun had laid his feelings down the line and whispered of stories about his struggles of getting inside the entertainment industry, Luhan had sympathized with him, understood him, pulled him closer and made him forget the pain of not being able to succeed in such a pipe dream.

 

So of course when he found out that Sehun was nothing but successful, he couldn't help but be angered. Sehun didn't lie but he wasn't being truthful either. He hid his fame from Luhan and he didn't even suspect a thing. He can't even get mad at him when Sehun hadn't actually lied, and that even if he did, Luhan would still forgive him because he's Sehun.

 

But even if he had forgiven him, there are some things that can't be forgotten. What else can Sehun be hiding? Luhan can't help but be untrusting of Sehun even in the most unimportant things. So unlike before when he'd rather keep quiet than be dishonest whenever they talk, lying to Sehun was no longer a problem to Luhan.

 

_(“What he said doesn't have anything to do with me going home drunk."_

_“Not tonight, I have to study.”_

_“It doesn’t.")_

So what was to stop him from saying another lie?

 

"Yeah. I promise." Luhan presses a chaste kiss on the surface of his plump lips before retreating back on Sehun's chest. He hopes maybe, it's enough of an apology.

 

"I'm taking you out tomorrow night, by the way."

 

"What are we going to do?" Luhan asks, even when he's certain they'll only end up under the sheets with the original plan joining the long list of failed dates they've ever thought of.

 

"What do you want to do?"

 

"I'm okay with anything."

 

"It's a surprise, then." Sehun tangles their legs together, as he always does. Oddly enough, he's grown to find it more snug than uncomfortable. Sehun brushes his lips on the side of Luhan's cheek, "Sleep well, Lu."

 

It takes Luhan five minutes to calm his racing heart down with the rhythmic rise and fall of Sehun's chest. And another to convince himself to stop staring at Sehun's calm face before he closes his eyes and waits for sleep to overtake him with the one who has him entrapped still in his mind.

 

•••

The only time Luhan's ever lied to Sehun before he found out he was hiding his identity had been during their very first encounter.

 

"It's only a five-minute cab ride," he says, hoping to convince the stranger to come with him. It was only a harmless lie, once they're in the cab he isn't going to count the minutes and get out if it takes longer than that. He's had a drink and he was hoping to get drunk but he'd rather try his luck on taking the stranger back home instead.

 

He didn't expect for the stranger to just nod and agree without Luhan having to actually try and convince him without being too obvious. When they get to the apartment, he's surprised how the guy isn't at all shy when he uses his hands to help him out of his shirt and the next thing he knows is that they're stripped off and making out in his bedroom.

 

He learns not long after, that his name is Sehun. He wasn't so sure then because he might've misheard since he was too preoccupied with thinking about the pair of lips sucking on his neck in between sentences. But when he'd been chanting the name several times even an hour later, Sehun hadn't said anything to correct him if he heard wrong.

 

When Sehun lays him down on the bed, he makes Luhan take the lead as they take turns in pleasuring each other. And although Sehun was acting confident when he had him pinned down on the wall only a few minutes ago, he wonders if the guy's just bipolar because he alternates between acting like an innocent teenager to being a dominating beast in a matter of minutes. One minute he's sucking on Luhan's lips, and the next he's taking his time on deciding what to do next before Luhan guides his hand to where he wants it to be.

 

It takes Luhan a while to figure it out. But with the way he doesn't seem to know where to put his hands, eyes wandering, stiff demeanor, and God forbid, his milky thighs spread wide open with a hesitant look on his face, that's when Luhan knew. And it's funny, really, because the last time someone opened their legs for him had been his first and the memory never fails to humor him no matter how awkward it was back then.

 

"No need for that," he crawls onto Sehun's body and sits on his stomach, kicking his legs close in the process, "Is it your first time with a guy?" he asks.

 

Sehun nods slowly as if he's embarrassed at being caught. This is fun, Luhan thinks.

 

"I'll make it easy for you then." Luhan smirks, the one underneath him visibly gulps. Even with just the bedside lamp on, he can see the distinctive blush running across Sehun’s cheeks and how the rest of his body is slightly flushed with pink.

 

"Heads up, use your hands. Every single part of my body needs to be touched if you want to have a good time." Luhan takes both of his hands and puts one on his waist and the other on his hard-on. Sehun’s looking at the ceiling instead of the one straddling him. So Luhan leans down and puts his hands on either sides of his head, he doesn't stop until they're mere centimeters apart and Sehun has no other choice but to look at him.

 

"And don't be shy, I only made you close your legs because I think we should put that big dick of yours to use." He leans down to nibble on his ear as he whispers, "Your legs are really pretty, by the way."

 

If Sehun tastes the traces of alcohol in his mouth, he doesn't say anything. He stops being shy a few minutes in and his hands started exploring each crook and edge of his body as he thrusts upwards into Luhan.

 

Luhan doesn't recall how long they went at it. Hours pass by and he can feel every single cell in his body pulsing from both exhaustion and excitement. He's pulled Sehun's hair hard enough to make Sehun grunt in pain several times and his back is decorated with crimson lines scratched and about to break through the surface of the skin. There are more bite marks left in several shades all over his body than on Sehun's and he can only imagine how impossible it would be to get up from bed the next morning. The only time they stopped had been in between breaths after each round before their hands gets pulled back to places they've learned would make the other go crazy.

 

Overall, it was great. Luhan felt as though he's been awakened from a deep sleep and saw the light. And when they were already far too tired to even move, Sehun entangles their limbs and whispers, "Sleep well, Lu." before pressing his lips on his hair damp with sweat.

 

That's when Luhan thought, maybe, he could keep this guy named Sehun around. But he isn't one to ask for more than one night. Still, Sehun is handsome and hot, and seems to know what to do to keep Luhan craving for more of his touch. There's this connection Luhan feels that he has with Sehun but that might as well just be his imagination. Besides that, there's nothing else.

 

It wasn't enough to make Luhan want to stay, so he dismisses the thought and snuggles himself closer to his chest not knowing that at dawn, when Sehun is about to close the door of his apartment, he returns for his umbrella only to see the door of the bedroom still wide open with Luhan's sleeping figure on the bed. Before Sehun closes the bedroom door as well, he sees a phone lying on top of the bedside drawer. He enters the room, unlocks the phone, and takes Luhan's number before shutting the door gently and striding out of the place, completely forgetting to take the umbrella with him.

 

•••

 

_last night was great. i'll see you tonight._

_goodmorning luhan-sshi this is kim joonmyun hope you don't mind that i asked baekhyunnie for your number :)_

_so r u free tom? im going to ur apt either way_

 

He doesn't reply to any of the text messages and proceeds to the bathroom with a towel draped on his arm. Tender Love is playing in the background as he showers and he doesn't remember turning the speaker on.  _Must've been Sehun,_ he thinks. He turns the speaker off when he’s done showering and exits his apartment without bothering to let his hair dry and starts to walk in the direction of the subway station.

 

The sun is up high at ten minutes past nine o'clock and he walks at a normal pace on the sidewalk as the streets crescendo from quiet to busy at the main road.

 

As he walks, he thinks about last night and how mad Sehun seemed when he entered the apartment and how he thought he’d shut up about that time he had Sehun's phone with him and Kim Kai was on the other line telling him to convince Sehun not to ditch his group's schedule when they're together. He hadn’t actually expected it to lead to something else when he’s trying to keep his distance (which he’s doing an awful job at).

 

But his mind ran wild when Sehun reciprocated his advances, he felt as though his body had been stirred from a long slumber and no matter how worn out he had been physically and emotionally, he still had that little bit of energy just to spend that little time with Sehun.

 

Physical intimacy has always been something he looks for when he wants his mind to be taken away from his dangerous thoughts. With it, not thinking is easiest when there's another being driving him wild. It has been the best distraction among other things he did to keep his mind at bay.

 

Sehun is a distraction. Whenever they're together, it's as if he's in a trance and he just forgets everything else that goes on in the world. With each touch, he just drops everything else to let his senses run rampant. But at the same time he's the one Luhan is running away from.

 

It's all complicated now, and it's his fault for letting his feelings overtake him.

 

He shouldn't even be thinking about this. With a sigh, he enters Yongsan Station and weaves his way inside with the rest of the commuters until he's at the platform waiting for the next train to arrive. Two stops. Change lane. Three stops. Change lane. One stop. Climb up and out of the station and walk inside the university grounds and into his college building. Luhan has the route of his daily commute memorized at the back of his mind that he can go about it with his eyes closed half of the time. He'd grab coffee on the way if he still can but it isn't long before his class starts.

 

As soon as he enters the classroom, he hears a loud “Luhan!” coming out from Seungwan, a sophomore, who motions him to go to where she is with a few of their classmates sitting in a circle.

 

"Luhan-sunbae’s here. He can still present." she says, drawing attention from everyone in the circle at him. “Yah, leader! Give him the notes!”

 

Luhan isn’t so sure of what’s happening but he hadn’t attended the class last week because he skipped it when he was too lazy to get out of Sehun’s bed last week. Someone hands him a bunch of papers stapled up and Seungwan is nice enough to fill him in and say that they’re groupmates for a presentation they were assigned to last week.

 

"The presentation's today?" he asks in shock as he realizes the date written beside the Date of Reporting typed up on the front page is also the date today.

 

"If you were around last week you would've known. You didn't attend any of the meetings we had at the library, either." the leader tells him as she does last minute changes on the powerpoint presentation in her laptop.

 

"No one informed me about any group meetings though."

 

"Are you sure? But I asked… No, no. Never mind.” she shakes her head, “Just wait here for a second.” She pulls another one of the members to talk and they seem to be arguing about something while they both take glances at Luhan.

 

"It's okay. I can present the report. I've read about this before. I'll be fine as long as I review this." he says, waving the handout at them. The group leader seemed hesitant for a second before nodding as she mutters something along the lines of “He’s smart. He can handle this.” He starts scanning the notes once he’s found himself seated within the circle.

 

"It would've been easier if you had an SNS account... we had a group chat set up but you weren't there." Her voice gives away the fact that she is guilty. But he didn’t attend class, it's his responsibility to make sure he doesn’t miss out on anything. It isn’t her fault so he smiles and says it’s okay. He's familiar with the topic and he doesn't have problems with presenting at all.

 

But even then, Luhan can’t help but think something is off. Surely, it couldn’t have been that hard to reach him when he shares some of his lectures with most of his groupmates. He remembers even asking one of them if he had missed anything at this class.

 

"The dude's probably too busy getting his ass fucked to even care about studies anymore." someone a few chairs away from him sneers. Luhan's head snaps over to the one who said the words as if Luhan wasn't even there in the first place.

 

"Yah, watch your words. Luhan-sunbae can hear you." Seungwan scolds, nudging him by the elbow.

 

"But where's the lie, though?" he muses. There's a cocky smirk plastered on his face. Seungwan looks at Luhan apologetically.

 

"It's alright." Luhan mouths. He smiles, reassuring her that it's fine before he focuses on getting the words on the paper inside of his head. He has to at least make sure that he doesn't mess up later when he's in front and reporting for the group.

 

•••

It is ten minutes after nine when Luhan decides to clock out of work and change out of his work clothes at the back room. He takes the chance to check his phone for any new messages.

 

 _i’m already at your apartment. i’ll be waiting,_ the text message reads. He stuffs the phone back in his bag without bothering with a reply. He goes out once he’s done and heads behind the counter before leaving.

 

"Taeyong, let me just borrow the register for a second."

 

"Out already?" Taeyong asks, eyes hovering over the packet in Luhan’s hand as he moves aside to give space to Luhan in front of the cash register.

 

"Yeah," he says, taking another packet to join the pack of Xylitol Applemints in his hand. He waves it in front of Taeyong before scanning the items, "out of mints."

 

"Hyung likes mints, huh?"Luhan nods absentmindedly while scrambling through his things for his wallet. He must’ve left it at home. Luhan grimaces at his mistake.

 

Taeyong must’ve noticed his struggle and slips out a ten-thousand won bill from his pocket, handing it out to Luhan, "Uh no, I'll use my T-Money." Luhan rejects, taking the card out from his backpack.

 

"Take it, hyung."

 

"Yah, don't call me hyung." he scolds, scanning the card. "Go get your girlfriend chocolates with that money instead."

 

"Yeah, his idol-crazy girlfriend." Jaehyun, one of their co-workers says joining in the conversation. Taeyong shoots him a glare before turning his attention back at Luhan.

 

"She's been asking me if we already have stocks for the new Peperos coming out with EXO stickers."

 

"EXO is everywhere, nowadays." Luhan scrunches his nose. He rips the receipt off the register and throws it at a nearby bin.

 

"Your girlfriend crazy about EXO, too?"

 

"Yeah. Something like that." _Not my girlfriend, or boyfriend, or crazy about EXO._ Luhan shoves the packet and pack of mints inside the bag.

 

"My girlfriend's so obsessed with them especially that Chanyeol guy. It's annoying."

 

"You should break up with her." Jaehyun comments. Taeyong throws the first thing his hand could grab.

 

"Oh shut it, you." he says. Unfortunately, he fails to hit Jaehyun andthe item falls on the floor instead of landing on his intended target.

 

"You trying to tell me something?" Jaehyun teases with a raised brow, picking up the tossed condom box from the floor.

 

Luhan shakes his head at the antics and shuts the drawer of the cash register before waving at the both of them, "I'll be leaving."

 

Once he’s out of NiniMart, he starts the walk back to his apartment. And with the absence of actual noise blocking them out, his mind drifts off to everything that's been troubling him and he closes his eyes before taking a deep breath. It's been a long day. He could use a breather.

 

Luhan takes the glossy packet out of his bag, opens it and takes one out before fishing the zippo out of the pocket of his backpack. With it, he lights up every single thought running in his mind and waits for it to be burned into ashes.

 

The street lamps take him in and out of darkness as he walks, it’s a quiet night and the smoke from everything bustling in the city sticks to him. He closes his eyes and drowns himself in the buzz as though a huge weight has been lifted up from his shoulders--even if it’s just for a few minutes.

 

•••

 

_3267._

 

The door unlocks right after Luhan punches in the code and the first thing he hears when he steps inside are animated voices coming from the television playing cartoons.

 

"Luhan!" Sehun beams, his head suddenly emerging in his view and his body blocked by the couch. Sehun rests his chin on the cushion of the head of the couch and he has a goofy smile on his face that makes his eyes turn into half-crescents.

 

There's something about the sight of Sehun looking so childish on that couch that fills his chest with warm bubbles. Maybe it's because he's grown up either waiting alone for someone to come home or stepping inside the house with only the housekeepers to greet him.

 

"Come here, come here." Sehun raises both of his arms motioning him to come closer, and so he complies, setting his sneakers off to the side and dropping the backpack on the floor.

 

When he’s near enough, Sehun yanks him by the arm and pulls him down to land on top of him. He wraps his arms tightly around him, disabling him from breathing normally. The pounding in his chest is much more intense than it usually is and it’s a crazy feeling Luhan dislikes no matter how used to it he is already.

 

Why must you always have to act like this?, Luhan thinks. He feels like a stuffed toy with the way Sehun is running his hand through his hair. Only, stuffed toys aren’t supposed to dread the day they’d get stored on the shelves, either forgotten to collect dust bunnies or replaced by a much fluffier and cuter plushie.

 

He’s tired, he shouldn’t be thinking about silly things.

 

"Dress casual. You can take a shower too if you want." Sehun says, pulling up Luhan’s head to face him as he uses one thumb to run across his cheek in patterns. Luhan furrows his eyebrows in question.

 

"I told you that I'd be taking you out tonight."

 

Oh.

 

"You're taking me out?" he blurts out. It comes out too harshly that Sehun’s face drops the slightest bit.

 

"Why? Don't you want to? We can just not if..."

 

"It's just..." Luhan lays his head on his chest so he isn’t facing him. "Nothing."

 

They stay unmoving and silent for half a minute before Sehun decides to break it, "How was class?"

 

 _Stressful. Tiring. Someone made fun of me for being gay again._ "Class was fine." he says. Sehun doesn't seem convinced, not with the way his voice is laced with an underlying sigh.Luhan turns to look at him and flashes a smile (not too big to completely morph his features), to reassure him that he's fine. Sehun loosens his grip on him and he takes it as his cue to stand up and take a shower.

 

He enters his room and closes the door behind him before throwing himself on the bed and planting his face flat on the pillow. It feels good. His limbs feel at ease now and he stretches himself on the bed to pop the knots out.

 

If truth be told, Luhan doesn’t want to go out, and he’d rather stay on the bed and just fall asleep. But Sehun’s there, waiting for him behind the door and in the living room, and he seems ecstatic and ready to go out.

 

And Luhan just can’t say no to that. Not to Sehun. So he pulls himself together, heads to the closet, and grabs a towel before entering the bathroom. He turns the shower head on, and before stepping in, he makes sure the water is cold enough to keep himself awake in the entire duration of time he’s going to have to spend with Sehun.

 

•••

 

It's not that Luhan doesn't want to go out with Sehun. He does, but it's just that being with Sehun for the past few days had been draining his energy more than it used to.

 

As the days pass by, Luhan's been pondering on his and Sehun's relationship. How it had drastically changed despite the fact that they still do meet up after hours or whenever it's possible to have a taste of each other's skin. The way Luhan looks at Sehun is completely different now. It's like seeing the aftermath of what once was: the Sehun he used to spend time with being more than just comfortable and putting his heart at ease from the stress he goes through with juggling both work and studies seemed like a beautiful, distant dream.

 

It wasn't much different from a physical relationship involving only kisses and touches, but Luhan always felt like he could whisper to him the whole world whenever they talk after having countless hours of sex. It was the first time Luhan felt that way after years of losing hope. Sehun was someone he held onto, a rope that held him down and kept him away from falling into depression. So finding out that Sehun wasn't who he thought he was, only shattered that one thing he thought he'd found--a home. It was an ache to lose another one.

 

But Luhan is no stranger to that.

 

Luhan sighs, thinking he should stop stressing himself any further as he turns the tap of the shower on instead. He sits in the tub with ropes of icy water soaking his skin, hoping it will wash his thoughts down the drain and keep himself awake as to not fall asleep later on when he's with Sehun. However, the coldness of it isn't enough to keep himself awake when he falls asleep with his head lying on the edge of tub.

 

When his body unconsciously jerks to wake himself up minutes later, he panics and scrubs the liquid soap roughly on his skin with a rapid pace and almost slips when he stands up to get the shampoo bottle. He groans when he leans on the tiled wall to prevent his fall. Sehun is right, he's already twenty-five and yet still so clumsy.

 

Once he's done showering, he ends up throwing on the first thing in reach which was a plain white shirt and tight jeans. 

 

He’s as casual as he can be.

 

Before he goes out, he takes one last look at himself at the mirror. There are dark circles forming underneath his eyes and his hair is still wet. 

 

He looks like a mess.

 

He wonders if he should smear a dab of concealer he doesn't even use anymore or bother with using the blowdryer to fix his hair. He is about to go and get the blowdryer from where it is when a slew of words crosses his mind.

 

_ "You're a guy, Luhan. Trying to make yourself look good for another guy won't work. People like us just aren't meant for dating and love." _

The wince that comes after the split-second flashback isn't something of his control. Stopping himself from even thinking before his mind can dig deeper, he pushes the thought to the back of his mind and twists the doorknob open.

 

Sehun is waiting for him to finish up on the bed with a phone in his hand and he looks up at Luhan once he's out of the closet. He's chewing on the inside of his cheeks as he roams his eyes up and down at Luhan's figure until they stop to meet with his eyes. Luhan can't help but feel embarrassed. He should've tried to at least look presentable.

 

"You look great," Sehun says, without breaking eye contact.

 

"Don't lie." Luhan mutters, looking away and fastening his pace to scramble out of the room. But before he can fully escape, Sehun pulls on his waist with one hand and encases him in his arm with a back hug.

 

Sehun grazes his lips over his right ear as he whispers, "I'm not lying, Lu. What are you talking about?"

 

Luhan is certain he would have probably fallen on the floor with his weakening knees if not for Sehun pulling on his waist to keep him on his feet. 

 

"Shut up." Luhan mutters, putting one hand on Sehun's arm to loosen the grip on his waist. "Let's just go."

 

Sehun has his Benz parked at the basement parking lot of his apartment building. Luhan's never been in Sehun's car before. It had always been either his place or Sehun's, so anywhere other than those places feel foreign to him. By the looks of it, he can already afford to live a comfortable life for years with how much the car probably costs.

 

Trying not to think too much about how the Benz is probably more expensive than his life, he leans his head down on the window and the last thing he sees before falling into sleep is the blinding lights of the city.

 

He feels more drained than ever.

 

When Luhan wakes up, the windows are rolled down save for the one he's leaning his head on. He blinks his eyes unconsciously until he deems himself awake enough. Stirring his head over to the driver's seat, the sight of Sehun with his head cushioned on his arm resting at the opened window greets him. Sehun has a hint of a smile blooming on his face as he sits up straight.

 

Luhan blinks several more times, as though trying to process the situation. "I fell asleep. I'm sorry." he blurts out upon realization.

 

"No. It's okay, you seem tired." Sehun moves closer to Luhan. Leaning in, he whispers, "Good morning," before quickly pecking Luhan's lips without warning.

 

Luhan blinks, feeling the heat rising up to his cheeks. He's more than glad that they're in the dark. Otherwise, he'd have to hide his face in embarrassment.

 

"Where are we?" Luhan asks when he's done thinking about the ghost of Sehun's lips on his.

 

"We're in Jamwon Park." Sehun answers, fixing his hair on the rear view mirror.  Jamwon Park,  the place where they first met three weeks ago. "You once said you liked going to the Han River because it's relaxing. I brought soju and food, we can set up a picnic nearby."

 

Luhan nods, mind still floating with sleep. His stomach is growling, he notes as he scrunches the sleep out of his eyes while Sehun turns to the back seat to take the picnic basket and mini cooler with him. He turns to look Sehun's side profile when he remembers something.

 

"There are people here." he states, making Sehun still his movements. "Wear a mask or shades."

 

It takes Sehun five seconds before he continues taking the stuff to the front seat, "It'll be fine, Lu. No one's going to recognize me."

 

"You're famous, Sen. Everyone's going to recognize you." Luhan points out. Sehun doesn't seem like he's going to grab anything to conceal himself at all.  _ He's so careless. _

 

"Then I'll wear something instead." Luhan states, opening the glove compartment. As expected, several caps, sunglasses and even masks are stashed inside of the storage. He can hear Sehun take a deep intake of breath in the background as Luhan rummages through the stash.

 

"At least take the shades off." Sehun comments after he jumps out of the car and they walk together towards the grassy area. Luhan responds by taking the shades off and handing it to him with a baseball cap as well. Sehun sighs but takes the items anyway with the shades getting pocketed inside of his jacket.

 

They set the picnic up just a few feet away from the bicycle lane, a little distant among the other people in the park which Luhan intentionally made sure of so Sehun wouldn't be recognized.

 

This is the first time one of their many planned dates outside actually pushes through. Luhan isn't even sure if this can even be considered a date with how quiet he is being. Whenever Sehun tries to hold a conversation, Luhan immediately drops it with short replies. He doesn't really know why. 

 

Maybe he's just tired. He just woke up, after all.

 

When Sehun already gives up on trying to get a proper response from Luhan, he takes the food out of the picnic basket.

 

"How are you going to eat if you're wearing a mask over your mouth?" Sehun asks, noticing the mask covering his mouth. "No one in here cares if they see me with you." Sehun adds, the tone in his voice is of scorn. "Barely anyone's even here."

 

Luhan would rather not. But he takes the mask off anyway knowing Sehun won't be too happy if he doesn't. Sehun usually doesn't change the tone in his voice whenever he talks to him. He must be tired too.

 

"You okay?" Sehun asks, his voice back to normal.

 

"Just tired." Luhan says, sighing. "And I'm not that hungry. I already ate." Luhan lies. He hasn’t actually eaten anything except for half of Baekhyun’s bungeoppang  when Baekhyun said that he couldn’t eat the tail of the carp bread for some reason when Luhan was at NiniMart earlier. Despite the lack of food in his stomach, he doesn't feel like eating at all.

 

"Really?" Sehun asks, bewildered. Almost as if he knows that he isn't telling the truth. "What should we do then?"

 

"I want to drink already." Luhan blurts out, being the first thing that came to mind when the question is raised. And he could use a drink or two. He’ll probably end up saying something dumb to Sehun since he’s always been notorious for being a talkative drunk. But he couldn’t care less when his limbs ache and his mind's a mess, "Pass me a drink."

 

"You're going to drink already?"

 

"Yeah." he states, staring at Sehun knowing he'd give in a few seconds later. Sehun seems hesitant but he takes out two bottles from the mini cooler and hands it to him. 

 

The bottle feels cold in Luhan's hands as he opens it. The burn gliding down on his throat as he gulps on the alcohol almost feels non-existent with how he is accustomed to it already.

 

Luhan loosens up after a few minutes and starts blabbering about mundane things like he usually does whenever he's had a drink. The sound of Sehun's laughter serves as music to his ears and the thought of kissing Sehun underneath the moonlight tempts him every now and then. But they're outside and they're both guys, people will find it weird even if they don't know who Sehun is. And if someone does see them and recognizes Sehun making out with a guy, chances are, a scandal will break out and drag Sehun's career down the drain. 

 

Luhan can't let that happen. The guilt would kill him if it ever does.

 

Luhan yawns, eyes not leaving Sehun's side profile. His eyes are piercing as they peek through the bottom of his cap. His nose, pointed and lips plump. His jawline and chin both sharp with the Adam's apple of his neck in view. His whole body made of long limbs and lean muscle. Sehun is a beautiful being. It's not only his face and body but Sehun also has that quality that makes people instantly attracted to him. 

 

Luhan would know.

 

"Who would've thought after all the effort I went through to forget the reason why I came to Seoul... You're here to remind me why I never made it."

 

Sehun doesn't answer, his expression remaining stoic. It's one of those moments when Luhan wishes he'd know what's going on in his mind.

 

"You know what, Sehun? I hated it when you said you were an idol. It was fine at first but then..." Luhan says, spilling out of his tongue with unfiltered words. He sighs, "I just hate myself so much because I can't stop myself from feeling this way."

 

The sound of grasshoppers cricketing in the night grows louder, clapping in his ears. The distant sound of soft waves and rustling of trees that seemed to be non-existent became a low whisper in the deafening silence. It's the kind of quiet that makes each second feel like a minute.

 

" What are you saying, Lu? I don't understand." Sehun finally speaks up, breaking the silence. His head immediately shoots to face Sehun, whose eyes are dead-set on the skyline before them.

 

Luhan cocks his head to the side because  of course , he wouldn't understand, "You're too good for me, Sehun. I feel bad for even liking you." he states, putting it in simple words. His face is burning from both alcohol and embarrassment. 

 

Sehun chews on the inside of his cheeks, as if he's thinking of the right words to say before turning to meet with Luhan's eyes. "I wish I could understand Mandarin."

 

Mandarin.  _ Oh. _

 

Luhan gapes. Of course, Sehun wouldn't understand when he's been speaking in his mother tongue. How dumb of him. It hadn’t been the first instance he had unknowingly spoken in his language now that he thinks about it.

 

_ ("I like you, Sehun." _

_ "I'm all yours.") _

 

"I actually went to Seoul years ago to..." he starts in a language they both understand. Except he doesn't feel like it anymore. The momentum is gone, there's no point in repeating himself twice. Once was already embarrassing enough. Regret crawls easily into his system and he's thankful Sehun doesn't understand.

 

Luhan stands up and looks down at Sehun peeking at him through the bill of the cap.

 

"I'm going to the river." he declares, trying to save face at his nearly shameful moment. He takes a sip from the bottle before running through the grass, pavement and down the stairs carelessly, paying no heed to the possibility of tripping in the process.

 

"Yah, be careful." Sehun tells him, catching Luhan by the waist when his foot misses a step. "Kid. Definitely a kid." Sehun mutters.

 

"I'm not a fucking kid, you child." Luhan jabs a finger hard on his chest, "Don't touch me." He hisses, removing Sehun's hold on his waist. Sehun's laugh rings in his ears and he runs away before he lets himself drown in it.

 

When they get closer, Luhan has the urge to dangle his legs on the edge with his feet reaching the surface of the water. He usually does that on the other side of the river where he usually goes to unwind. But instead of doing that, he lies down on the grass of the slope just beside the stairway and chugs down the last that's left inside of the bottle. Sehun lies beside him as well. Their shoulders are touching.

 

"You going to drink that?" Luhan asks, pointing at the bottle in Sehun's hand that's barely half-empty. Sehun passes it to him without much thought and he quickly chugs down a good quarter of it in a matter of seconds.

 

"Didn't know you could drink this much."

 

"I haven't even drunk that much." Luhan answers, taking the rim of the bottle off his mouth. "Besides, I was drunk the first time we met."

 

"You weren't drunk. You didn't even finish your bottle at that time. I could tell."

 

"I was drunk. Drunk with you."

 

Sehun pauses at this, mouth agape. Luhan doesn’t even know how it is possible for him to be so  cheesy. 

 

Sehun chuckles in response once he's done processing the words that came out of Luhan's mouth, "You're really cute." he says, hand reaching out to pinch Luhan's nose. "You're drunk. Drunk you is always so cute. Cute hyung."

 

"I'm not." Luhan's face falls, and Sehun's eyes are reduced to half crescents as his smile grows bigger. "Why are you calling me hyung all of a sudden? Don't."

 

"Too cute, really." Sehun says, letting go of his nose and running his hand through Luhan's untamed locks before letting his hand rest instead on his shoulder. His head is resting on his palm and he's staring at Luhan's eyes, down to his lips and back up again.

 

Luhan wonders what his intentions are no matter how clear it is when Sehun's eyes became half-lidded as he leans down. His heart is pounding and Luhan lets go of the bottle in his hand. He's on his way to closing his eyes when the bill of Sehun's cap taps on his forehead, ultimately interrupting the moment. 

 

Sehun laughs and takes it off before using one hand to push his hair up away from his forehead. He stares right back again at him and cups his left cheek. The sound of laughter in the background hits Luhan's ears. It is faint but still there. 

 

They're not alone. 

 

"Let's just not." Luhan says, lightly pushing on Sehun's chest until his back is flat on the ground. It's like he woke up from a dream and the sound of laughter brought him back to reality, mocking him. 

 

He isn't supposed to be kissing Sehun.

 

"Not what?" Sehun asks, hand still up in the air as if Luhan's cheek is still warm on his palm.

 

"Kiss."

 

Sehun pauses, seemingly confused with what Luhan just said. He doesn't say anything though, clenching his hand into a fist, he lays it down on the grass and they both stare at the several scattered lights twinkling in the night.

 

"Why?"

 

"It's not that I don't want to kiss you. I do."

 

"Then why not?" 

 

 

Luhan doesn't answer.

 

 

"Okay." Sehun says in defeat, seemingly taking Luhan's silence as a refusal to talk.

 

Just when Luhan thought Sehun would just give it up, he feels a pair of soft lips pressing on the side of his mouth, quick and fleeting, catching him off-guard without enough time to fight it. Another press comes once again, now flat on his lips and Luhan isn't in the right mind to object when his lips move at its own accord and follows along to the way Sehun moves his lips against his. Sehun pulls at the back of his neck and holds his waist firmly pulling Luhan until he's on top of his body. 

 

Kissing Sehun is always an exhilarating experience, his lips always catering to every single movement Luhan does on his. Whenever Luhan bites on his lips too hard, he only lets out a moan before plunging even deeper into the kiss, hands usually searching for the feeling of Luhan's skin. He is so lost into Sehun that he almost forgets one important thing.

 

They're outside. 

 

"Let's not, Sehun." Luhan says, pushing himself off his chest quickly almost as though his skin was in contact with fire. He looks around and breathes a sigh of relief when it doesn't seem like the others who are around from a distance are paying any attention to them. For a moment, Luhan doesn't feel as drunk as he had been seconds ago.

 

"Okay." Sehun breathes. Small smile lingering on his lips. It is quickly replaced with something else though. Luhan isn't too sure what it means.

 

"What were you saying a while back? It seemed serious." Sehun asks, probably trying to keep the awkwardness of the situation from choking them. Only, he isn't helping at all from making it any less difficult for Luhan to deal with.

 

"It wasn't anything, just..." Sehun tries to capture his gaze but Luhan doesn’t budge as he stares at the ‘D’ smack dab at the middle of his cap. "It's really... just..." He’s out of words to form a proper excuse, "Nothing serious."

 

If Luhan stays awake for the next few minutes, Sehun's going to ask again. And he knows no amount of alcohol infiltrating his system will be enough to let him go back to that time twice in such a short amount of time. It's all too much for him to bear. So he closes his eyes and lets sleep take him away.

 

•••

Luhan once thought he was in love with one of his female classmates during middle school.

 

She was pretty, sported a short haircut with a fringe tucked neatly with two pink clips on the left. She was smart too, at the top of the whole school and competed in inter school competitions. She’s also nice, having offered Luhan’s friends tutoring sessions after school when they were struggling with Mathematics. Luhan tagged along just because he wanted to see her face up close. Luhan never felt the butterflies or his heart beating fast whenever he’s around her. But he thought he was in love with her because everyone else was, and he didn’t mind trying to fall for her when she’s a much better choice than the next door college boy he snuck peeks at when he’s watering the plants without a shirt on at home during the semestral breaks.

 

It was in high school when he fell in love. He was fifteen and still so young and the only things he worried about were if his knees could survive a few hours kneeling on rock salt once his parents find out his grades dropped by five points or that he’s spending too much time playing soccer after class that he went home too late at night only to be hit with his father’s walking stick more and more each time.

 

His first love wasn’t even attractive, not at all. He almost never shaved so half of his face is covered with hair, his eyebrows were too bushy and he once mentioned that he had been sporting the same old-fashioned haircut he’s had since he was eight.

 

“You look real pretty,” he said as his first words to Luhan when they became seatmates. Luhan laughed and shook his head repeatedly saying, “I’m not pretty. No. No.” 

 

He and Luhan had an instant connection. They bonded over football and late-night studying sessions. They snuck out at night to go to the internet cafe and play games. All the while, learning more and more of each other. It was a foreign feeling and it was the first time Luhan let himself breathe out from the tight hold on his neck. That was when Luhan found out that his attraction wasn’t just a phase. Soon enough, he realized that he did sincerely like him, love him, even. 

 

At that time, his heart fluttered whenever he touched him. He was always first to comfort Luhan even if Luhan didn’t say anything, he could tell if Luhan was feeling down. He was always there to hold Luhan whenever the other felt like the world’s holding him down and the pressure of being in high school with the expectations and choices he had to make were too heavy. He never asked, he just simply understood as Luhan cried it all out. He was a best friend.

 

Luhan was the one who kissed him first during the beginning of their second year.

 

“My father will kill me if he finds out,” Luhan said, when he let go of the grip he had on his shirt. But he kissed Luhan again and again after that. Luhan had never felt so wanted in his life before. There wasn’t much of a change in their relationship, besides secret glances during class and quick kisses and touches in between breaks when nobody was looking and they don’t have to pretend that they’re only friends. They still talked about everything, Luhan talked about his parents and he talked about video games. They even talked of the future, sharing their dreams and goals in life that probably won’t come true since they lacked the courage and capabilities. Luhan said he wanted to be a celebrity. He said he wanted to be his manager.

 

“I want to be by your side when you reach your dream.” he said. He held Luhan’s hand in his before kissing him. Luhan didn’t close his eyes. Only then did he start thinking of how he always held Luhan like he’s precious when he’s breaking down or even when they’re just kissing. That’s when Luhan started freaking out: thinking about his dream coming true was already too much of a luxury to him. He didn’t deserve to even dare and think about having someone by his side.

 

So when the other boy said that he came out to his parents, said that he’s in love with someone, a  boy , said that he didn’t want to hide anymore, and that  they  didn’t have to hide anymore, Luhan panicked. Luhan couldn’t handle it and he decided that breaking his heart then was the best choice to take.

 

“It’s not love,” he said. Even when he knew that deep inside he was his first love. Otherwise, his heart wouldn’t be hurting. But everyone knows that you don’t end up with your first love, and Luhan wasn’t even sure if  he, himself, wanted to be with him. He was still young, eighteen and still had so much to do in life. There wasn’t enough space for love especially when it was with someone his parents (or anyone) will never approve of. “I’m really sorry.” 

 

He didn’t ask, he just simply understood. So he smiled, and said it’s okay. “I still want to be your manager in case you do make it.” he joked. Luhan didn’t laugh when he saw that his eyes were glassy and a stark contrast to the smile he had on his face.

 

They didn’t talk anymore after that. There were several others who avoided him when people at their school found out. Everyone else thought that the reason why Luhan didn’t talk to him anymore was because he couldn’t handle being friends with someone like him. 

 

They didn’t know the real reason why.

 

So after high school graduation, Luhan packed his bags and escaped to Seoul with uncertain dreams he was not too determined to reach.

 

That was the first time Luhan lost a home. And he was the one who destroyed it.

 

•••

The first thing Luhan sees when he wakes up is the midnight sky. The enclosed space tells him that they're inside Sehun's car with the sunroof open. Sehun's arm acts as a pillow and they're both lying down on a mattress underneath a thin blanket.

 

When Luhan shifts his position to face sideways with his back turned to Sehun, Sehun's grip on his waist tightens and he buries his nose on the crook of Luhan's neck.

 

"Where are the backseats?" Luhan asks, voice sounding dead from sleep.

 

"I folded them," Sehun smiles as he answers. Only the two front seats can be seen and it is as if the storage compartment is extended, making it possible for the mattress they're lying down on to fit. "The seats are under us."

 

"Your car is so weird." Luhan remarks, crinkling his nose.

 

Sehun cackles. Luhan’s head aches and the sound of Sehun's laughter echoes in his ears. "You're the only one I know who's called my car weird."

 

"Where'd my shirt go?" Luhan asks, realizing his nakedness underneath the white fabric. 

 

"You spilled soju on your shirt, you probably don't remember but you took it off yourself." Luhan curls in on himself and Sehun pulls him closer to keep him warm. Their legs are entangled. "Go back to sleep." Sehun whispers, planting soft kisses on his back. Luhan shudders at the touch and he hopes Sehun doesn't notice. He distances himself from Sehun who only traces nonsensical patterns on his back in response.

 

Whenever he has his back turned to Sehun, he feels exposed with the way his bare back is in full view for Sehun to see how ugly it is. Especially with that big, ugly scar etched across his back which he could hide underneath his clothes if he had them on. 

 

Luhan wonders what Sehun thinks of it whenever he traces his fingertips along his back. In all honesty, he'd rather not know. But Sehun doesn't seem to think his body is horrific with the way he touches it whenever they're about to fuck, so Luhan sets aside the fact that he dislikes the imperfections on his body so long as Sehun doesn't ask.

 

Sehun shortens the few inches of distance his lips have on his ear, "I'll take you back home before sunrise. Sleep well, Lu."

 

Luhan settles himself to sleep. And as much as Luhan likes the feeling of Sehun's arm below his head, he's certain that his arm's already asleep with discomfort after probably hours in the same position. So he takes the weight of his head off his arm and shifts to face Sehun, laying his head down on the mattress instead.

 

"What's wrong?" Sehun asks, voice of worry. 

 

Luhan furrows his eyebrows in confusion, "What do you mean?"

 

"Can I ask you something?" Judging by the way he says it, he knows it's serious.

 

"Go ahead." Luhan replies, even if he'd rather not hear what Sehun had to ask.

 

Sehun sighs before he starts talking, "After you saw me at that interview... I thought we were fine at first but then..."

 

"Let's not talk about this." Luhan runs his left hand along the muscles of Sehun's stomach. He feels it shiver under his touch.

 

"No, Luhan. We..." Sehun shifts a few inches away from Luhan's prying fingers, "Why do you always do that?"

 

"Do what?" Luhan says, his whole demeanor calm with his fingers drawing patterns on Sehun's stomach as if he doesn't know exactly what he meant.

 

Sehun fidgets, hand catching Luhan's fingers to stop him from touching him any further. "You either touch me or kiss me whenever you don't want to talk about something."

 

"What?"

 

"Don't even try to lie. I can see through you." Sehun spits, voice cold, an opposite of how he interlocks their fingers until they're woven together.

 

"Don't act like you don't do it too." Luhan hisses, disentangling himself from Sehun and sitting up with both of his arms propped up in position. 

 

"Yeah. But with you it's..." Sehun trails off, sitting up as well. The coldness disappears and is replaced with desperation. Luhan can see how hard he is trying to make him look back but he doesn't budge and instead stares at the sky. "You're never going to want to fix whatever problem we have, do you?"

 

"What problem do we even have?" he asks, focusing his eyes outside with fake nonchalance. The sky is covered with gloomy clouds.

 

"Then why the fuck are you being like this?"

 

"Like what?"

 

"Like... I don't know! I just don't like how we are now."

 

"How are we even now?" Luhan asks, gritting his teeth. Sehun doesn't answer, his eyes take interest in the same sky Luhan is looking at. Luhan doesn't want to fight, but he can't help but feel angered at his words.

 

Luhan has done everything to make sure they stay okay. When he found out Sehun had been hiding his identity to him, he didn't get mad and tried his best not to be. He had evaded every single spark of argument just so they wouldn't fight and no matter how many times he feels inferior when compared to Sehun, feels completely unworthy and undeserving to even get a split second of Sehun's attention, he doesn't say anything just so whatever they have can stay as it is.

 

Luhan didn't want to tell Sehun about what he thought at all. But it's as if his lips are itching to move at its own accord and the words to be spilled out of his mouth are ones he can't take back anymore, not when his surface has already cracked.

 

"What do you want me to say, Sehun?" Luhan starts, Sehun brings back his gaze on the side of Luhan's face. It bears holes on his skin no matter how soft his eyes seem to be. "Do you want me to say that I don’t like the fact that I found out you were an idol through a television? That you hid your identity to me while I thought you were struggling to get inside the entertainment industry?”

 

Sehun looks away and brushes away the bangs getting in the way of his eyes with an elbow propped up on his bended knee. Silence comes over at the both of them. Sehun seems as though he's struggling to keep a straight face and the voice that comes out of his mouth is restrained, "If you were mad, you could’ve just said so.”

 

"I didn't say it simply because it doesn't matter.”

 

"It's your opinion, why wouldn't it matter?"

 

"Exactly,” the laugh that escapes from his lips tastes bitter coming out from his tongue, “why would my opinion matter?"

 

Sehun takes a deep breath. "If you were mad at me," There's a wetness Luhan feels landing on his cheek from the opened sunroof. It's drizzling outside. "You didn't have to lie. You didn't have to say it's okay that I'm an idol, or that whatever Jongin said didn't affect you at all."

 

"I'm not the only one lying about some things." Luhan says, mimicking the same way Sehun had said the words two days ago when they almost fought in his closet. "And I'm not mad."

 

"When you were drunk last night you said 'I wish I could be with Sehun all the time, even if Sehun makes me so mad and confused and everything is problem--'"

 

"Stop it.” Luhan hisses, a droplet lands on his eye and he instinctively closes it as he looks down. Seconds later, he turns to look at Sehun. "Why the fuck are you getting so mad about everything? You wanted to take me out just so you could spit all those words at me? Wasn't this already solved last night?"

 

Sehun stops at this, mind trying to process his thoughts. There's an internal struggle he sees before he sighs.

 

"I just want to go back to before when you didn't know I was an idol."

 

"Don't you think I want that too?" Luhan sighs, wrapping his arms around his knees with his chin tucked in between.

 

It was a lot easier when he didn't know. Luhan didn't have to think about how they'd always have to hide. That maybe Sehun didn't trust Luhan enough to tell him about his job because things like that don't matter when they're only having sex.  Luhan didn't have to think about how Sehun used to be so reachable and only his when he thought about his flaws and broken dreams, only to be distanced now that he knows his feelings for Sehun is shared with thousands of others who think he's perfect.

 

For two weeks, Sehun was just Sehun. But now, Sehun is also EXO's Sen. They feel like two different people to Luhan and he wonders if he can learn to go back to how it was before when Sehun was just... Sehun. His Sehun.

 

They're only two feet away from each other but Sehun doesn't even feel like an arm's reach away. Sehun takes the blanket in his hand from where it's resting on his lap, leaving it all for Luhan to take.

 

The drizzle outside grows stronger and turns to rain.  There are dots of wet patches on cloth and droplets on his bare skin.

 

"You're tired. I shouldn't have taken you out tonight. I'm sorry." Sehun says before standing up to shut the sunroof close. Luhan doesn't feel the cold raindrops hitting on his skin anymore but it's as if the absence of it makes the Sehun’s words dig even deeper into the phantom wounds in Luhan’s mind.

 

The last thing Luhan wants to hear is Sehun regretting that he spent his time with him.

 

His eyes shoot open upon realization of the things he just said, like a drunk teenager waking up to the morning after with a little bit of last night replaying on his mind hitting him with regret.

 

"I need to go." Luhan gulps, feeling dizzy. He’s struggling to breathe inside the car and his stomach is acting up. He needs to get out before it gets worse. Luhan already has his hand ready to pull the door handle when Sehun stops him.

 

"No! Don't leave. Ah, I'll drive you... I can drive you home."

 

Luhan nods weakly, mouth unable to form words. Sehun puts his shirt back on and hands Luhan his jacket. Luhan doesn't protest and instead focuses on his breathing and spinning vision. Sehun helps him zip it up before going to the driver's seat to start the engine. Before he starts driving, he rolls the windows down, making Luhan feel less suffocated from where he's sitting at the corner as he breathes air in.

 

He doesn't know how long they just stayed there unmoving inside the car when Luhan takes notice of the fact that they're already in the basement parking lot of his apartment building. Sehun's sneaking glances at him through the rear view mirror and no one talks. 

 

Luhan's reminded of his previous state, the words spat earlier and the way Sehun was looking at him. It's been a long day, he's drained. There isn't anything that's left that he'd like to tell Sehun,  not tonight . All he wants to do is roll on his bed and fall asleep.

 

So he pulls on the door handle, steps out and makes sure he doesn't stumble on his feet before he walks away from the car, _from Sehun._


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 13.8k words.

 

Once Luhan manages to stumble inside his apartment, the breath he lets go of only makes the chokehold on his neck tighten. The four walls of the place he first stepped in, seven years ago when he first came to Seoul and called it home, closed in on his shoulders, squeezing all the oxygen that's left inside of him. The alcohol hits him harder almost as if the several hours of sleep he had hadn't done its job to sober him up. The window outside tells him the sun is almost up to begin a new day. Fat tears roll down his cheek as he struggles to take even a breath.  _ No,  _ he thinks.  _This isn't happening. _ There's a churning in his stomach. His head hurts, and he can't stop thinking about every single thought he's always been running away from.

 

Only this time, he can't push them back. It's all too much.

 

The memories all come down in tidal waves to haunt him. Like it had only been yesterday when he ran away, when he ultimately fucked up everything, when he realized how much of a horrible person he is, why they left,  _ why he left,  _ why he doesn't deserve to even be loved.

 

Luhan stumbles as he runs to the kitchen sink and pukes his system out, tainted liquid circling the drain as his throat dries out and his stomach empties as if there was even anything worth digesting inside of it.

 

Luhan finally breathes.

 

•••

 

Luhan wakes up with a ringing in his head and in the pockets of the unzipped jacket he's wearing. Without much thought, he shoves a hand inside one of the pockets and instinctively slides his thumb to answer the call before letting the phone rest on his ear.

 

"Yah, Oh Sehun. Where the fuck are you?" The loudness of the voice booming from the phone makes Luhan jerk awake from a half conscious state. The phone slides away from his ear and Luhan sits up to stare at it.

 

It's a Samsung.  _ Definitely not his. _

 

Luhan picks it up from the sofa and reads the Caller ID.  _ Manager-hyung,  _ it reads.

 

"Oh Sehun!"

 

Luhan hangs the call up in panic. For a minute, he stares down at the phone as if it's going to move and attack him at any given minute. He snaps out of it when a certain  _Kim Kai _ starts calling the phone and Luhan unconsciously lets out a yelp as the phone slips from his fingers and continues to vibrate on his lap. It ends up falling on the floor and under the coffee table when he swats it away and a shrill cry of the words, "I'm sorry, Sehun!" comes out of his mouth as he tries to fish it out from under the table. And when he does manage to get his hands on the device, the back of his head makes contact with the table turning him into a pathetic piece of mess lying on the hardwood floor with a hand nursing the back of his head.

 

"Fucking dumb!" Luhan shouts, partially at the table and mostly to himself as he hits one of the legs of the coffee table with the hand he's using to hold Sehun's phone.

 

"I'm sorry, Sehun!" he screams when he realizes what he was doing. He caresses the screen in soothing patterns as if it's in pain. Luhan only stops when he realizes how stupid he looks like.

 

"What the fuck are you doing, Luhan?" he asks himself. He sits up straight and lays the phone down on the table.

 

"Why is Sehun's phone with me?" he asks himself out loud as he stares into space. Another phone starts to vibrate inside the jacket and he takes it out along with all that's left inside of the jacket--another phone.

 

"Why are all of Sehun's phones with me?" Luhan asks once again as he stares down at the three different phones in front of him. The pause makes him aware of the ache in his throat and he stands up to get to the fridge and soothe it. His head is lighter than his feet and it feels as if his world is tumbling as he tries to readjust before finding balance. His eyes ache and his body felt aged with misuse as he barely walks upright to the kitchen. In general, he feels like shit. Once he’s under the archway in between the kitchen and living room, with his head facing the floor, he realizes that the jacket he’s wearing isn’t his.

 

It's Sehun's jacket from the night before.

 

By instinct, Luhan sticks his nose into the fabric and he makes a face of disgust as the odor kicks in. It reeks of vomit and alcohol. So instead of trying to appease his aching throat with water, he heads to the laundry room, which is the door just beside his bedroom.

 

Luhan switches the lights on before slipping the jacket off his shoulders and dumping the jacket inside the washing machine. He works his way with the machinery and once he’s done setting it up and pressing buttons, he exits the room to finally get himself a glass of water.

 

After that, Luhan figures he should take a shower while waiting for Sehun’s jacket to finish washing. He takes a towel and enters the closet and stops when he catches marks of red on himself in front of the mirror.

 

There are scratch marks lining down from his neck to his chest and ends just below his stomach. Luhan can't remember where he got them. But he's certain it didn't come from Sehun. Sehun doesn't have a fetish for his stomach nor does he have one for scratching. That was more of Luhan's own. Sehun was more into soft touches and teasing, which Luhan enjoys very much. He already misses the feeling of having his long, veiny fingers touching his skin.

 

That’s when Luhan remembers: they fought just a few hours ago. The words thrown back and forth were nothing short of wounding. They were unspoken thoughts and bottled up feelings Luhan definitely did not intend for Sehun to know. He knows opening his mouth will only ruin whatever that's left of what they have and now that he has, their relationship status is basically up in the air and he doesn’t know how to fix it. Luhan’s never been good with resolving fights and confrontations, that’s why he tries so hard to avoid them.

 

What if Sehun doesn't want him back anymore? The thought itself is revolting, so much that Luhan feels this hollow emptiness in his chest swallow him with each passing second. Tears are already welling up in his eyes and when he closes them shut, a drop falls, lining down on his left cheek and he wipes it harshly with his forearm as he shakes his head.  _ No. I shouldn’t even be thinking about this. _

 

With that, Luhan goes back to how the scratches managed to bury themselves into his flesh (way too easily; as if he wasn’t on the verge of breaking down just five seconds ago). The question is a no-brainer to him after years of experiencing the same thing. However, it isn't something he'd like to believe.  _ But wasn't I already over this-- _

 

His phone is ringing. Luhan tears his eyes off his body to get the phone from the back pocket of his jeans and answer the call. It's from an unknown number. Without much thought, Luhan accepts it.

 

"Hey Luhan. This is Jongin. Kim Jongin." the other person on the line greets. How this person knows his name, Luhan doesn’t know.

 

"Jongin?" he asks, digging his mind up to recall where he’s heard the name. Luhan’s heard of him before, he’s just not sure where. "Oh." he blurts out when he finally remembers.  _ EXO. Sehun. Phone call at Sonagi. _

 

“Yup that’s me.” Jongin pops out, “How have you been?”

 

_ Why is he calling me? _

 

“I’m fine?”

 

“That’s good… good.” Jongin says more to himself. There is a pause, as if the both of them are waiting for a response. Luhan still doesn’t know why Jongin is calling him. Whatever it is, he’s certain it has something to do with Sehun. Maybe another reminder to tell him not to take up all of Sehun’s time or maybe it’s actually just Sehun asking for his phones back through Jongin.

 

“...so why’d you call?” Luhan finally asks, breaking the silence. He didn’t mean to sound rude, but he can’t help but be curious.

 

“Oh, right. Yes.” he says almost enthusiastically, “Before anything, last time I didn’t mean to make you avoid Sehun. So if you were planning on doing that then don’t.”

 

“Okay.” he says, unsure of what to say. Jongin’s reminder came a little too late. “You didn’t need to tell me that though.” Luhan says, the last words coming out as a croak. An episode of dizziness hit his head hard enough to make him sit down on the floor and Luhan leans his head on the pile of clean towels nearby on a stool to cushion it with his eyes closed.

 

“Anyway, I wanted to ask if Sehun is there with you.”

 

It takes a moment before Luhan manages to say anything.

 

“He’s not here.”

 

“Are you sure? We couldn’t find him anywhere.”

 

Luhan hums in response.

 

“You’re the last one we’re calling. Last time he said he’d be back before six o’clock. But it’s already ten and he’s unreachable. The managers are freaking out. They think he’s rebelling against the management.”

 

That makes Luhan fly his eyes open.  _ Sehun is missing? _

 

“So they asked if I could call Sehun’s girlfriend. That’s you. Though obviously you’re more his boyfriend and not--”

 

“I’m not his boyfriend.” Luhan instantly corrects while crinkling his nose.  _I’m not even sure what we’re even, or if we’re even anything at all. _ He turns his face down on the towel with his lips still out in the open so his voice doesn’t come out muffled. “Sehun isn’t like that.”

 

“--his girlfriend. Yeah, I know. I was just messing with you.” Jongin laughs, a boisterous one as if he’s been told the funniest joke he’s heard in ages. It takes almost a minute for Jongin to calm himself down and Luhan contemplates whether or not he should hang up the call because the noise rings in his ears and worsens the ache he feels in his head.

 

“So uh… yeah. Tell me exactly when and where did you last see Sehun.”

 

“We were drinking last night. I had him drive me home after because I was too drunk.” Luhan lies, white dripping all over his words.

 

"Specifically, where?"

 

"At the parking lot?”  _ Where is Sehun? _

 

“Did he leave?”

 

"Yes? Well he dropped me off and then I left. That was last night. He's not here with me." Luhan explains.

 

"Yeah, but... did he leave?" Jongin asks, as if Luhan's response was the dumbest thing he's ever heard. Instead of taking offense, Luhan just thinks this Jongin person is sick of searching for Sehun's whereabouts.

 

"Yes?"

 

_ “Book him a later flight. I don’t think he can come on time.” _

 

“What?”

 

“I was talking to someone else. Sorry.” Jongin resumes, "Are you sure? Did you see him leave? Did you see him drive away? He's probably still there at the parking lot as we speak."

 

"Why would he even be there?"

 

"Where else would he even be?" Jongin says, like it’s the most obvious thing. “I gotta go. Duty calls. Don't forget to tell Sehun to go back to the dorms as soon as you can if you see him!"

 

Jongin ends the call before Luhan can even say anything.

 

He takes a shower with the phone call still in his mind. He isn’t being careful in scrubbing the scratches on his body. The sting helps him take his mind off some things and stop his thoughts from running too wild.

 

_ Where is Sehun? _

 

When he’s dong showering, he takes his cellphone and dials Sehun’s number. His phone is ringing.  _ Pick up,  _ Luhan thinks. Until he hears a faint sound of the phone ringing from outside his closet. He steps out and realizes that the sound is coming from his living room.

 

_Of course, _ he thinks.  _ His phones are with me. _

 

Right after dressing up, the next thing he does is check online if anyone has spotted Sehun anywhere. But to no avail, nothing shows up.

 

_ Where could Sehun possibly be? _

 

If he isn’t mistaken, Sehun had dropped him off at his apartment around five or six in the morning. It’s already eleven o’clock.  _ What if Jongin is right? What if Sehun is still at the parking lot since he doesn’t have his phones with him? _ He could’ve gone up to Luhan’s unit but he didn’t. Luhan supposes it’s because they aren’t on good terms at the moment so he’s waiting for Luhan to return the things himself. Judging by the way Sehun talked to him before, he wants to _‘_ _ fix whatever problem they have _ _’_ and Luhan knows that there really is no way to fix it without causing more problems than what they already have.

 

And when it’s all too much. Sehun’s going to leave him.

 

Luhan would know.

 

Whatever may be the reason why Sehun hasn’t been seen since the last they’ve seen each other, Luhan can’t keep himself calm. The constant ringing of Sehun’s phones on the coffee table at the living room isn’t helping at all.

 

One side of his brain thinks, Sehun is a grown man. Wherever he is, it’s not Luhan’s responsibility just because it’s highly likely that he’s the last one Sehun was with since he went missing. While the other side keeps thinking about the possibility that Sehun might just be underground at the basement parking lot or what if he got caught in an accident?  _ No. That couldn’t be. _

 

He should just go check if he is there. Sehun is in trouble, possibly missing another one of their group’s schedules. It isn’t as if he’s in a hurry. He doesn’t have work today and the only class he’ll have to attend to doesn’t start until one in the afternoon.

 

He walks out of his apartment to the elevators and waits for the next one to open and when one does, there’s only one other person in the lift. Luhan reckons that she’s a familiar face. She’s wearing a sweatshirt with his university’s logo on it.

 

Without much thought, Luhan steps inside.

 

“Which floor?” she asks, without taking her eyes away from the phone in her hands in which she is mindlessly typing on.

 

“Oh. Basement Parking.” Luhan answers, she presses on the button, momentarily interrupting her typing on the phone. “Thank you.”

 

“Do you happen to know which floor the gym is? I’m new here.” she asks, taking her eyes away from the phone to look at Luhan.

 

“It’s on the 10th floor.” he answers. The girl has her hair reaching down to her shoulders, messed up as if she hasn’t washed them for days. Luhan can feel her eyes boring holes on his skin.

 

The elevator doors open at the ground floor.

 

“You’re quite handsome.” she says, before stepping out of the lift. Luhan just smiles, his chest already beating loud with nervousness since he’s getting nearer to finding out if Sehun is still here.

 

The moment the elevator doors open up at the basement parking lot, Luhan tries to trace his steps from last night with his eyes roaming around the vicinity when his eyes land on a familiar vehicle.

 

Sehun’s car is still there from where he’s parked it when he dropped him off. Luhan speeds up his pace while looking from left to right to see if anyone else is in plain sight. Luckily, no one else is around so he quickly peeps inside to see if Sehun is there. The windows are heavily-tinted, so much that he can’t see anything through the glass.

 

_ What to do? _ Luhan thinks.  _ Maybe the sunroof is open.  _ The only way he can do that is if he climbs through the hood of the car since he can’t step on anything else to support him. He looks around at his surroundings again to check and once he’s sure no one’s in sight, he steps on the hood, careful not cause any damage. And when he already has both feet on the surface, he stands up and sees that the sunroof is open. He leans in closer to look down.

 

It’s a relief, to say the least, when Luhan sees Sehun in one piece inside of the car unharmed.

 

“You’re always so careless.” Luhan whispers, despite the fact that Sehun won’t be able to hear him. The mattress from the night before is still there and Sehun is sleeping shirtless.

 

Sehun looks so peaceful in his sleep. and--

 

_ Oh. _

 

There’s a tent forming on the front of his pants.

 

He shouldn’t be staring, but he can feel the blood crawling up to his cheeks at the sight of it. When Luhan finally manages to tear his eyes away from Sehun’s bulge, there’s no telling how panicked the situation became when he sees that Sehun has his eyes wide open and staring into his own.

 

_ Oh. Shit. _

 

“Luhan.” Sehun mutters.

 

Luhan drops the jacket inside, jumps down from the hood, and runs.

 

“Wait, Luhan!” Sehun shouts, Luhan could hear the sound of his bare feet catching up to him, only encouraging Luhan to run faster.

 

Luhan doesn’t know which is more embarrassing: him being caught by Sehun staring at his morning wood or Sehun who is currently chasing after him in nothing else but his jeans with his clothed erection for everyone to see.

 

Either way, Luhan’s skin is burning up from embarrassment at the situation. If it had been any other circumstance, the scene could easily make Sehun out to be a pervert looking for some fun if Luhan had been female. Although, even if he isn’t a girl, questions will still be raised as to what is going on.

 

Eventually, Sehun is able to catch up on him with his hand encircling Luhan’s wrist as they both stop to catch their breaths.

 

“Why are you running away?” Sehun says, still short of breath. “We have to talk.”

 

_ No _ _._ Luhan doesn’t want to talk. He  _ dreads _ for that moment.

 

“Can’t we talk about it later?” Luhan isn’t too sure if his words are seething with desperation.

 

Sehun cradles Luhan’s cheek into his hand to make him look at his face. Only, Luhan refuses to do so by closing his eyes.

 

“We have to--”

 

“Can we just not?” Luhan says, referring to the talk they have to deal with since there is no more escaping the problems they have with each other.

 

“Luhan, you know we have to.”

 

“EXO needs you today.” Luhan blurts out, finally opening his eyes. “Jongin told me to tell you to go to the dorms right now. You can’t be late anymore.” Luhan reasons, “And I have class.”

 

Sehun rests his hand on Luhan’s waist and tilts Luhan chin up so they can see eye to eye, “Promise we’ll talk later?”

 

He doesn’t want to agree with it at all. But fights aren’t meant to be ignored. And there’s an impending storm above them that Luhan has to face before he can say hello or bid farewell with having himself in Sehun’s arms like this.

 

Luhan closes his eyes and lets himself relax to the touch.  _ Just one more minute,  _ he thinks.

 

“Later.” Luhan mutters, careful not to present the words as a promise.

 

•••

 

"You keep missing class these days." Baekhyun greets when Luhan arrives for his 1 o'clock class ten minutes late. Luhan takes a seat at the empty spot just beside Baekhyun.

 

When Luhan turns to face him, he can tell that something is off.

 

Baekhyun doesn’t look too good.

 

“I had to go somewhere in the morning. I couldn’t attend class.” Luhan lies as he discreetly observes Baekhyun’s appearance. His eyes are swollen and bagged, and his face is pale as well as his lips.

 

"I'm just concerned. What if you'll get an FA in your classes? I wouldn't want that to happen."

 

"Hey," Luhan says, laying a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. Baekhyun turns to look at him and Luhan instantly removes his hand from its position. It’s unlike him to be asking others if they’re okay since it had always been the other way around. Luhan is no good at this.

 

"You okay?" Luhan finally gets the courage to ask, he only hopes it doesn’t sound fake because he really is concerned.

 

"I'm grand." Baekhyun says in response, and he isn’t even trying to make it believable. "Let's listen to Mr. Oh. I mean he's not as hot as Oh Sehun but we are paying for this class right?"

 

The both of them stay quiet throughout. Luhan’s already outdated of campus gossip and it’s probably the first time Baekhyun’s voice isn’t overheard in the voice note of the lecture Luhan was recording. Even when they’re walking together up and down through different subway stations and sidewalks, Baekhyun remains the same.

 

Luhan is not used to this. A quiet Byun Baekhyun. It isn’t that hard to tell that Baekhyun has a lot going on at his side. Sometimes Luhan forgets that even people like Baekhyun who always seem to be up in the clouds have their own set of problems. Whatever they are, it is something out of Luhan’s knowledge.

 

Just like how Baekhyun doesn’t know his.

 

“I’m sorry, Luhan.” Baekhyun tells him, when they’re in front of Luhan’s building to part ways. If it had been any other day, he would’ve invited himself inside Luhan’s apartment but that doesn’t seem to be the case for today.

 

“What are you sorry for?”

 

The wind is strong enough to blow Baekhyun’s fringe away from his forehead, if Luhan looks closely there’s a scratch on his forehead covered with cheap makeup.

 

Baekhyun purses his lips and looks far and ahead behind Luhan. “Just sorry, you don’t look too okay today either. It’s just…” he pauses, patting his fringe back down at the front, “...a very bad day. I’ll get over this soon.”

 

“It’s nothing serious. I’m fine. You’ll be fine too.” Luhan smiles, one that crinkles his eyes in the most rarest moments that he lets himself. Sehun once said that the sight of his crow’s feet in full view is a part of his charm no matter how untrue Luhan thinks it is. “See you on Monday.”

 

Baekhyun nods with a small smile lingering on his lips. “See you.” he says, before walking across the street to the bus stop on the other side.

 

When Luhan comes home, instead of an empty apartment, the first thing he notices is the tall figure dressed in up-to-date fashion trends seen all across the stalls of the night markets across the capital. He’s seated with both his arms and legs crossed and the bags under his eyes look heavier than it usually does.

 

Zitao.

 

“There was someone shady creeping outside your door.” Zitao tells him as a greeting. The television is on playing a rerun of Design Wars, and without tearing his eyes away from the sheer fabric on the screen, he says, “The creep’s wearing a baseball cap and a face mask. I had to scare the fucker away.”

 

Sehun.

 

For a moment, Luhan wants to ask when exactly did Zitao see him standing in front of his doorstep since Sehun did say they were going to talk later.

 

“You’ve been going to clubs outside of Homo Hill again aren’t you?”

 

“Well I’m still alive.“ Luhan reasons, knowing Zitao might scold him again as per usual with his nightly affairs. Although, he hasn’t been going out at night except for when he needs to have a quick trip to the convenience store downstairs or a walk to the Han river to unwind. It must’ve already been a couple of months since he last stepped foot in Homo Hill.

 

“How have you been, Luhan-ge?” he asks.

 

Luhan both loathes and looks forward to having tea with Zitao. They’re usually set during the weekends when the both of them have nothing much in their hands, just to catch up with each other like old friends. Luhan’s preparing tea for the both of them and he’s being extra careful since it’ll be awhile before their next one.

 

Zitao is going back to Qingdao tomorrow.

 

He wants to go back to Beijing too for the holidays. To visit his sick mother, although he’s sure his father would mind. Whenever he goes back to his hometown, his father gets him checked in at a hotel instead of letting him stay over at the house.

 

Not even a year after Luhan moved to Seoul, his father had converted his old bedroom into an office. He keeps telling their family that he didn’t want Luhan to sleep at the guest room because he thinks it’ll be burdensome for Luhan to go to the airport with its slightly longer travel time as compared to staying at a hotel once he has to go back to Seoul. His family must’ve deemed it reasonable since no one objected with his father’s reasoning.

 

But Luhan knew better of course. He is his son after all.

 

“You should really eat more.” Zitao comments just when Luhan comes back to the living room and puts the tray on top of the coffee table, “I bought beef along the way, I put it in the freezer. They’re delicious. I suggest you eat them during Chuseok.”

 

“I can feed myself, you brat.” Luhan says, sitting down with a cross-legged position at the other edge of the coffee table so Zitao’s at his left.

 

“Yeah. Say that when you stop eating only once a day.”

 

“That’s not true.” Luhan defends, Sehun feeds him too on days that he forgets to do so. Only he isn’t so sure for the next days to come since they aren’t exactly on good terms right now.

 

“Yeah, it isn’t. Sometimes you don’t even eat at all.” Luhan only smiles and puts the teacup and saucer in front of Zitao and out of the tray. He does the same with his. “You’re seeing someone, aren’t you? I can tell.”

 

Zitao has a snarky mouth. Sometimes, Luhan doesn’t mind. But he has a way of showing his worry that Luhan strongly dislikes.

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Is it serious like how it was with Yi--”

 

“I don’t know.” Luhan interrupts, there’s this triumphant look on Zitao’s face as if he’s caught Luhan with his words. “I wouldn’t know since I’m not dating anyone.”

 

“So he is like…  _ him _ _._ Do you also call him da--”

 

“He’s not like…  _ him _ _._ He’s…” Luhan stops, thinking about how it is with Sehun. It is all countless hours of reciprocated touches, cancelled dates, and long talks while cuddling (That  _ was _ before he found out who Sehun was, of course).

 

Then he thinks about how it was with _him. He _ who took care of Luhan, Luhan waiting for _him_ to come home with his hands behind his back, _Him _ giving care and concern that Luhan had never before felt from the one who was supposed to give it to him. It was a bond no one else could comprehend. What Luhan had experienced in the past was completely different with Sehun.

 

It was incomparable.

 

“He’s Sehun.” Luhan says, deciding it was the most appropriate term to use. There’s a smirk plastered on Zitao’s face as if in victory.

 

“Yeah. But  _ Yifan _ …” Zitao drawls out, trying to make eye contact as he observes Luhan’s reaction at the mention of the name.

 

Luhan eyes Zitao back with challenge. His face remaining stoic despite the turmoil boiling inside of him. How badly he wants to lay a hand on Zitao’s face for mentioning  _ that name  _ despite his constant reminder never to bring him up at all. If only he doesn’t have an imperturbable sense of control, he wouldn’t have thought twice on doing just that.

 

Zitao continues, despite the change in Luhan’s demeanor.  _ Shameless. _

 

“Yifan was different too. He made you break up with your boyfriend then and you guys claimed to be  _ just friends _ at that time.”

 

“It wasn’t Yifan who made me do it. You know that.”

 

“Oh yeah, it was Kris? They’re the same person. They’re the same age unlike what you keep telling me.”

 

“That’s because he lied.” Luhan says, biting his tongue hard to prevent the words from spilling out. He can tell that Zitao is doing it on purpose to provoke him, to possibly spark a fight for unknown reasons. But Luhan isn’t giving him that. He won’t, even if he wants to.

 

“We’re not talking about this.” Luhan says, slamming his hand on the table and unconsciously bumping on the handle of the teacup. The tea spills on the glass table and slides down to his pants, hot liquid scalding his skin but it’s the least of his worries. The next words that come out of his mouth have been ripped off its calmness. It is a cry to make Zitao stop. To make it all stop.  Please. Just don’t.

 

“You wouldn’t understand. It…” Luhan pauses, thinking about how hard it is to sum up everything that they ever was in one word. “It was all just for fun.” Luhan ends. It’s easier to lie than to summarize the truth.

 

“Doesn’t seem like it was all just fun.”

 

“Zitao,” he says, standing up to get something to wipe the mess he’s made on the table. “We’re not talking about this.”

 

“Fine, then.” Zitao says in defeat.

 

When he steps inside the kitchen and out of Zitao’s sight. He breathes. He doesn’t know he is holding his breath until he lets go of it. He is about to get a rag when he notices that his phone is vibrating on top of the counter. He takes it and reads the Caller ID.

 

Sehun

 

Luhan picks up.

 

“I’m outside your door.” Sehun says, after a few seconds of silence. “I’m going inside now.”

 

“Don’t!” Luhan says in an instant.  _ Zitao can’t see him .  _ Luhan steps out of the kitchen and walks towards the front door.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Just…” he trails off, opening the front door by only a few inches to prevent Zitao from seeing Sehun.

 

Sehun is there right at his doorstep. His eyes widen at the sight of Luhan, who is still flustered from when Zitao had tried to argue with him. He’s wearing the exact same getup as how Zitao had described: baseball cap atop his head and a face mask over his mouth.

 

“Hey.” Sehun blurts out.

 

“Luhan, who’s there?” Zitao asks, Luhan looks back and sees Zitao is only a few feet away from him. Luhan hadn’t realized that Zitao had followed him to the front door. Out of panic, Luhan pushes Sehun out of Zitao’s view.

 

“Just someone from school. I’ll be right back.” Luhan says, before going out and closing the door.

 

"Who is he, Luhan?" Sehun asks, voice low.

 

“Never mind him.” Luhan says, leading the both of them a few meters away from his door to make sure Zitao doesn’t hear anything. It’ll probably take only a few minutes before Zitao decides to step out and check up on Luhan.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

“I can’t right now. Come back later. I have a guest.”

 

“I can’t. I have to leave for Beijing in two hours. I won’t be back ‘til Monday.”

 

Luhan’s mind stops from thinking about anything else. It had to be Beijing. It took a moment before Luhan spoke.

 

“Then we’ll talk on Monday. I’ve got company.”

 

Sehun frowns, putting his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. "If you think you can get rid of me because there's some guy waiting for you inside then you're wrong."

 

"He's a friend, Sehun. A friend." Luhan sighs, Sehun doesn’t seem to be buying any of what Luhan is saying.

 

Luhan is tired, of talking, of having to defend himself, of getting slapped with things he tries so hard to avoid. He just wants it all to end.

 

"What do you want me to do, Sehun?"

 

"Maybe tell him to leave? I don't know!"

 

This time, Luhan looks at Sehun straight in the eye.

 

"I've known him for years already, Sehun." Luhan starts, his voice stern. The look on Sehun’s face is alarming with his eyes straight into his. "I've only known you for three weeks. I can't tell him to leave just because you want to talk."

 

Luhan isn’t so sure why he had said those those words. But Sehun has that mask on again, when his face is void of expression. It’s like he’s looking at Luhan as if he’s  _ just  _ no one and it kills him. It reminds him vaguely of the look Sehun had given him that one time he was asking about Joonmyun. But this one is different.

 

It is much worse.

 

"Right. You've only known me for three weeks. I should've known. Silly me." Sehun says, a laugh of bitterness lingering in the air. He crosses his arms, and he isn’t even looking at Luhan anymore.

 

Luhan should take his words back while he still can.

 

“Do you want to be specific? It’s only been twenty days since  you knew I existed.” Sehun sniggers before sighing, “I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard to reach out to you. I really don’t.”

 

"I'll call you." Luhan says, being the only thing he manages to say before reaching out for his hand. Maybe Luhan just wants a touch but Sehun doesn’t give him that as he subtly avoids Luhan’s hand from making contact with his skin.

 

"Don't bother." Sehun mutters, looking down at the floor.

 

“Have a safe flight.” Luhan barely manages to say, it comes out as a whisper and he isn’t even sure if Sehun understands when he nods as a response.

 

It felt like an eternity before Sehun decides to walk away.

 

Luhan can still take his words back while Sehun is still here. But he doesn’t, instead he watches as Sehun turns left towards the elevators. He can still--

 

Luhan runs towards the same direction as Sehun goes to, running as fast as he can, almost missing the turn at where the elevators are. But before Luhan can even possibly be seen in Sehun’s line of sight, the door of the elevator closes and all that he can do was stare at the indicator as it goes seven storeys down. When he sees that the elevator reaches the ground floor, he sighs and walks away.

 

With a heart heavy of Oh Sehun, Luhan goes back to his apartment.

 

•••

 

The first time Luhan meets Kris goes way back, when he was eighteen and he knew next to no one except for the Kim siblings who lives on the ninth floor and the only reason they’re acquainted with each other was because the younger sibling who was in highschool and likes to call herself ‘Minnie’ was crushing on him and constantly drags his big brother with her whenever she visits Luhan to hangout. Luhan found it cute but he knew that someday, someone had to tell her that he’d probably choose to date his brother over her any day.

 

Luhan had just moved into Seoul and decided to try and explore the city’s nightlife. He didn’t want to go all out just yet and so he chose a random bar at Homo Hill on a weeknight, he figures it should be a mild enough of an attempt for him to get comfortable in his own skin and possibly come into terms with his  _ homosexuality _ _,_ as they say. He’s completely inexperienced save for the boy he’s left back at home.

 

It was Kris who approached him first, saying a greasy unrehearsed pick-up line in Korean before breaking out and blurting familiar lines that Luhan completely understood. It seemed like a breather to have finally found someone who spoke the same language as him, constantly hearing the foreign language and understanding not even a fraction of it was already starting to take a toll on him.

 

“I’m Kris Wu.” the stranger introduced himself as someone who was much older than him by a number of years. Twenty-six and works a stable job in a big company. Not to mention that he lives at a high-end apartment in Gangnam.  They talked all night, with Kris buying him drinks every now and then until they were both buzzed enough to be whispering to each other while they're both just a breath's apart.

 

Luhan isn’t so sure how it happened, but they ended up making out on the countertop of the public restroom with Luhan sitting with his legs trapped between Kris’ thighs. But it wasn’t enough, so they moved to an empty room upstairs of the bar and booked it for the night. 

 

What happened next was a complete game changer for Luhan, because he’s never felt so alive having his body be owned like that and it felt so good and free. He's never lost control like the way he did before since he was always too afraid to get caught. But with Kris, it was different. He wasn’t shy in screaming his name out whenever they touched in the most sensitive ways.

 

Luhan had yet to prepare himself to find out that Kris wasn’t who he thought he was. But back then, he was oblivious to it when morning came and he secretly sent himself a message from Kris’ phone, hoping they’ll become more than just a one night stand.

 

•••

 

Luhan comes back to his apartment with his mind absent from his body. Zitao immediately comes into view when he steps inside the living room but his eyes are blank staring at nowhere in particular as Sehun’s previous words ring in his ears.

 

_ “I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard to reach out to you. I really don’t.” _

 

“Luhan…” he hears Zitao say, now standing up from his seat on the couch at the sight of Luhan, who could barely hold himself up with his trembling legs. His limbs are frozen and just one rash move is all that’ll take to make him break down on the floor in a pathetic heap of mess.

 

It’s getting harder to breathe.

 

_ “I’ll call you.” _

_ “Don’t bother.” _

 

He doesn’t know how long he just stood there before he realizes that Zitao’s already in front of him sputtering words that do not reach his ears. Luhan is only taken back to earth when Zitao shakes both of his shoulders and manages to make eye contact with him. 

 

Zitao’s expression is a mixture of anger and concern, Luhan can tell his mind’s already pondering on the thought that something must’ve caused him to be like this in the short time that he was outside. Which is true, knowing how much it kills Luhan to think about what went on when he had a talk with Sehun, the memory still fresh in his mind when it’s only been minutes since he left. 

 

Still despite what Zitao suspects, the only thing he can ask is one simple question, “Are you okay?”

 

Luhan opens his mouth and stays still for a second. He can already feel his throat being unable to sound coherent. “I think you should go.” he manages to croak out after a few seconds.

 

“Ge--” he retorts, before Luhan interrupts him.

 

“I’m really tired now, Zitao…” he says, forcing on a smile. “Please?”

 

Zitao closes his eyes, unsure of how to react. But just one glance at Luhan’s expression as soon as he opens his eyes was enough to set it all aside.  Just for today,  Luhan can already imagine him thinking. “Okay. Okay.” he finally says, nodding.

 

When Zitao has already set foot outside of the living room, his face painted with furrowed eyebrows and frequent blinking as if hesitating. Luhan pays no heed to it, deciding it upon himself that whatever Zitao’s about to say would be something he’d rather find out some other day.

 

“I have to tell you something.” Zitao spits out, looking apologetic knowing that the next words he’s about to say will only add up on the burden Luhan already carries on his dainty shoulders.

 

Luhan could only smile softly, as if urging Zitao to just speak and get it over with.

 

“Yifan...” Luhan freezes, although not visibly given that his current state is already bad enough. Zitao looks down, his attempt at avoiding eye contact evident in his demeanor. “He’s coming back to Korea.” It is only then that he looks up and searches for something in Luhan’s expression. But there’s nothing, his expression is still the same, blank with tired eyes. He just wants to rest. "He asked me to tell you this.” Zitao ends.

 

Luhan didn’t know how to react, Zitao has brought him up twice already and he’s seen how Luhan took it. He doesn’t know what Zitao expects and what he’d even gain by putting him in misery. He shouldn’t even be talking about Yifan in front of him because he was a taboo, along with Kris.  _ Same person,  _ Zitao would tell him. But no, to Luhan they’re two different people and it isn’t something that everyone could comprehend.

 

There was a time, four years ago, when he lost himself. When everything was going well until it all came crashing down and he didn’t know how to fix the pieces of his life back together. It took him a year to think that he was content, that he was fine with having to live without everything he’s ever worked hard for because at least, someone was there beside him. And  _ finally,  _ Luhan thought he had found someone who’d stay despite seeing him at his absolute worst.

 

Luhan thought wrong, of course.

 

The topic of Kris, Yifan, or anything actually that would remind him of the past wasn’t really hard to avoid when Luhan has cut everyone off his life save for Zitao who came back and found him in such a deadly state. He’s mastered the art of pretending that he’s never went to Seoul just for the purpose of getting signed in an entertainment company or knowing that if someone who’s seen him in both his best and worst, couldn’t even stand and stay by his side even if it’s just for pity, who else will?

 

Everyone leaves, Luhan doesn’t need to reminded anymore. He’s had enough already.

 

“Luhan…” Zitao blurts out, voice interlaced with worry.

 

It took all of his strength to bring his voice back and make sure it isn’t too obvious that he’s on the verge of breaking down. It was a struggle but Luhan managed to find his voice, albeit shaky but still audible enough. “He could’ve told me this himself.”

 

“He could’ve. But he said you still have his number blocked. And you don’t take calls from unknown numbers so he couldn’t use another number to contact you.” Zitao points out. Luhan finds it funny, because it was Kris who told him not to take calls from unknown numbers. He’s changed since then.

 

“He could’ve left a message saying it was him.”

 

“Would you have replied?” Zitao retorts, he seemed to regret it the moment the words were spilled out of his mind.

 

“I’m tired…” Luhan says, shutting his eyes for a second. “So, so tired. Please?”

 

Zitao motions Luhan for a parting hug. But he doesn’t move so Zitao pulls him in, his hand caressing Luhan’s back in comfort. “Look, I’m sorry. Sometimes he still calls me to check up on you. It’s really pitiful, to be very honest.”

 

“Have a safe trip, Zitao.” Luhan disentangles himself from the embrace and smiles, hoping it’ll be enough to convince the other that he’s fine (even if he isn’t).

 

Once the door is shut, Luhan sits down on the floor with his back resting on the door. He stays like that for a few minutes, just thinking and trying to stop himself from doing so before pulling himself up to walk to the bedroom to rest on the bed. 

 

It still smells so much like Sehun. Luhan digs his nose into the pillow and forces himself to sleep.

 

•••

 

_“He’s coming back to Korea.”_

 

Two hours later and Luhan’s still very much wide awake. If anything, his state is only getting worse and beyond his control that he can’t possibly fall asleep anymore. Not when he’s already on the edge of breaking down. His mind’s already a mess and he doesn’t even know which one he should bother with first.

 

_ “I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard to reach out to you. I really don’t.” _

 

Luhan laughs at himself, thinking about how ridiculous his current situation is. He can’t take this anymore. Luhan stands up and goes to the kitchen to take a swig of alcohol, hoping a little bit of liquor flowing in his system will help him fall asleep and keep his thoughts at bay. He opens the fridge and opts to drink soju since it’s just about strong enough to maybe help with sleep. 

 

It burns in his throat and the warmth spreads beginning from his stomach to the rest of his body. He goes to the breakfast nook, testing to see if he’s already fallen to a drowsy state as he stares at the clock with its shorter hand pointing at the number nine.

 

_ “You’re a guy, Luhan. Trying to make yourself look good for another guy won’t work. People like us just aren’t meant for dating and love.” _

 

But he hasn’t, and soju wasn’t enough, so he takes another one from the fridge, a bottle of 80 proof. Surely a few shots could knock him out. He pours one and downs it. He feels like gagging but he pours himself another one, and he doesn’t stop until his stomach’s on fire and the bitter taste lingering on his tongue isn’t something he’d mind.

 

_ “The dude’s probably too busy getting his ass fucked to even care about studies anymore.” _

 

Beads of sweat were starting to line on his forehead, his skin is starting to get slicked. Just when he was about to take another shot, he commits a slight miscalculation and ends up spilling the alcohol on his shirt instead of inside his mouth. It feels cold on his skin while the rest of his body still feels like its burning. He takes his top off and uses it wipe his sweat. 

 

_ “Everything is just so wrong between us. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t stay with you. Not like this.” _

 

It’s getting harder to breathe as he takes in the oxygen through his mouth. Luhan exits the kitchen, the bottle of vodka still in his hand as he goes back to his room. He puts the bottle on top of his bedside drawer and lies down on the bed. Staying like that for an unmeasurable time just trying to shut his system down and sleep. His head's splitting while feeling hyper aware of the ache in his muscles. It feels like torture, to want to sleep but can’t.

 

Luhan feels like dying.

 

He rolls himself out of the bed, the fall not bothering him one bit and fishes something out of the bottom-most part of his bedside drawer where he hides his cigarettes. He takes one from the pack and gets a disposable lighter from the same drawer and rolls it to light up the stick in between his lips.

 

_ “You’re… gay? Aren’t you… disgusted with yourself?” _

 

Luhan hits his head repeatedly on the wooden drawer. Stop. Just cut it out already. He searches for the bottle of vodka with his hands and takes a swig directly from the rim, completely unprepared. The grip he has on the bottle loosens and it falls, spilling on the hardwood floor by not much since it’s already almost empty. 

 

Luhan couldn’t stomach the alcohol anymore so he gags several times. He tries to fight it by trying to keep it from rising but there’s only so much he could do before he pukes, making a mess of himself as the vomit seeps out from his hand covering his mouth and slides down his chest. It’s all liquid since it’s been awhile since he actually ate anything. 

 

He’s so disgusting.

_ Luhan. Why can’t you do anything right? _

_ “Why can’t you do anything right for this family, my son?” _

 

Fat tears roll down his cheeks as waits for his stomach to empty, hoping his mind could just shut down and stop. I’m tired. So, so tired. Please let me rest.  But no, he can’t anymore, because the only time he could possibly put his mind at ease had been with Sehun.

 

For a moment, Luhan’s found haven in the arms of Sehun. Where it’s all quiet whenever their skin’s in contact and their smiles were so genuine that the only reason Luhan could possibly cry is due to happiness at the thought that they’re both so alike. But now he can’t stop himself from thinking that Sehun’s going to leave him because he’s nothing but a good fuck who can’t do anything right. Someone so perfect couldn’t possibly stay with someone like him.

 

Sehun used to feel like home. But now, nowhere is a safe place to save himself from drowning within the dark abyss of his thoughts anymore. 

 

All that he can do is run away from them, find a distraction. Lose his mind in the smoke and haze in his drunken state, clawing his body and letting himself be used by using unacquainted bodies, fucking until sunrise before he leaves to go find another vice to keep himself from being trapped inside his brain.

 

How dumb could he have been to let Sehun infiltrate his system and make him think that maybe he’s found someone who finally understands how it feels like to be him only to find out it was all a lie and Sehun wasn’t being truthful from the start.

 

_ “Your mother is sick and what are you doing there in Korea? Must you be so irresponsible? Go to college and stop it with that silly dream of yours.” _

 

Once he’s just about done emptying himself, he finds strength to crawl to the bathroom, not forgetting to take the pack and lighter with him as he does so. He sets the bottle and pack just beside the tub and turns the shower on with the water heater set on high that his skin almost feels like it’s scalding. Luhan smiles at this.  Perfect,  he thinks.

 

_ “Your voice is nothing special. What makes you think you can make it? You’re being ridiculous.” _

 

Luhan rakes at his skin, untrimmed nails clawing at the surface of his flesh and it just feels so, so good. The water hitting on his skin prompts his skin to turn red from the heat. When the tub’s already filled to the brim, he takes the pack beside him lights the rest that’s left inside of it as he takes small sips of the liquor in between.

 

_ “I don’t even know if I should call you my son anymore, Han.” _

 

Once he’s done, the water’s already gone cold, the clock reads a quarter to three. It’s quiet now, so, so quiet. Luhan stays still, and smiles, because finally, the storm in his mind has calmed down.

 

Luhan closes his eyes and falls asleep.

 

•••

 

One week into meeting Oh Sehun and Luhan was already so in love.

 

“Dinner plans were cancelled again tonight.” Luhan said, brushing his hand over Sehun’s torso. His skin was damp with sweat and he’s more than aware for the reason behind it. “I wonder why.”

 

It had been an hour since Luhan arrived at Sehun’s penthouse. Sehun had offered to cook for him and so Luhan came to his unit right after work without even bothering to come home to fix himself up because Sehun has seen him look horrible in terms of appearance but he doesn’t seem to mind. But still, Luhan’s made an effort to at least look presentable with a gray sweater and skinny jeans. He changed out of his clothes at the back room of NiniMart because there wasn’t enough time to waste and he took a cab there because walking to the subway station will take up time and he can’t afford to lose a few minutes of not being in Sehun’s presence.

 

Still, even if he’s made minimal effort to at least look good enough in Sehun’s eyes through his clothes. It didn’t even matter since Sehun still ended up pouncing on him just as Luhan stepped inside and his clothes were tossed around the large apartment, sweater on the carpeted floor and jeans tossed a few feet away from the California king-sized bed. The rest of his clothes were piled up along with Sehun’s own somewhere beyond Luhan’s vision and Luhan couldn’t lie that he’s had this on mind when Sehun said he’d make Luhan wanting for more with what he’s planned on serving him.

 

Not that Luhan minded. He’d choose Sehun’s touch over food any day.

 

Sehun had his thumb rubbing on Luhan’s shoulder, he was staring at the wall where a floor to ceiling window lies showing the beautiful skyline of the city before he shifted his eyes over to Luhan. Softly, he spoke, “You’re more appetizing, anyway.”

 

Luhan drew in a sharp intake of breath, the bedside lamp was on illuminating the room with a soft glow. He hoped it wasn’t bright enough to make his reaction to Sehun’s response visible, “Don’t you have work to go to?” he said, attempting to divert the conversation away from himself.

 

Sehun laughed, Luhan can feel the vibration from his chest on his hand resting on it making his hand flinch before he relaxes it back again on top with his fingers crawling. “Lu, it’s around midnight right now. I don’t have work. Don’t make excuses just because you’re flustered.”

 

Luhan hid his face away from Sehun’s vision even further into the pillow that only half of his face can be seen. “Don’t you work in the entertainment industry? It’s crazy out there. I know how demanding your work hours are. You can’t fool me.”

 

“I don’t think the photographer will even be that mad… or if he or she does, it doesn’t matter.” he affirmed, stopping Luhan’s fingers from moving on top of his chest by clutching it. He interlaced their fingers together until they’re woven, “I’d rather be here with you.”

 

_ Fuck you, Oh Sehun, _ Luhan cursed in his mind.  _ You don’t get be sweet and get away with it. _

 

“Still, you can’t miss work just like that.” Luhan scolded him. He didn’t want Sehun to waste any chances in making it big in the industry even if it's just some photoshoot for an unknown company. Every opportunity counts and Luhan knows this himself.

 

“Nothing’s been set tonight. I don’t have work.” Sehun said, as an attempt to make Luhan less guilty. “I have a schedule. But that one’s hours away. I still have a lot of time to spare.”

 

“If you say so. Where are you modelling this time?” Luhan asked, ever so casually even if he’s always been curious with what type of work Sehun deals with. Sehun’s always been careful with spilling details about his career as much as Luhan is with his family. “Will you let me see you?”

 

“Depends…” Sehun trailed, leaving the first question unanswered. Luhan inches his face closer until his nose is digging on Sehun’s neck. It was not Luhan’s intention to press his lips closer to Sehun’s heated skin. He rested his hand on Sehun’s shoulder. “I’d rather you won’t though. It’s just a…” Sehun stopped when he feels Luhan’s teeth grazing on his flesh. Luhan smirked when he felt Sehun tense. Sehun continued when he attempted to relax into the contact, “... fucking  pictorial. Not like you don’t see my face every day. You don’t need to see me in photos.”

 

“I think you’re amazing at it you know…” Luhan smiled as he whispered, his fingers slid upwards to rest on Sehun’s cheek. “...as a model.”

 

“Yeah…” Sehun drawled out in uncertainty. Luhan paid no heed to it however. Maybe he should have. But he only thought of it as Sehun having a hard time processing the fact that someone finally thought he was good at what he does. As far as Luhan knew, Sehun has been around the industry for a while now since he got rejected for his auditions at SM Entertainment twice. Luhan isn’t so sure if Sehun is still thinking of auditioning for a third time. Maybe Luhan could help, he does know some people who could-- No. He stopped himself from thinking any further.

 

He can’t possibly do that. What was he thinking.

 

Sehun closed his eyes shut for a moment before opening them and diverting his eyes on the ceiling, “...model.” he finished. Only after he uttered the last word does he turn his head to make eye contact with Luhan.

 

Luhan could only smile, thinking about what luck does he have with the stars to have someone like Oh Sehun in his life. Someone who’s experiencing the very same thing Luhan had gone through, with broken dreams yet to reach only Luhan’s already given up and Sehun has yet to decide which path to take. It would break his heart to watch Sehun not break out in the industry even if Luhan thinks that Sehun has what it takes to be a celebrity.

 

He just didn’t know then that Sehun was already famous, more than he could even imagine. And that Sehun isn’t like him. Sehun doesn’t know rejection or being forced to abandon all that he’s worked hard for without a fallback to catch him. Sehun hasn’t felt lost before, hasn’t been left or lost a home. Sehun is an idol, and he’s already reached what Luhan could never do. And the only reason Luhan didn’t know that he was a member of EXO is because he had tried so hard to avoid everything that would trigger his memories from crashing down on him and make him recall how he had failed. So much that he’s hidden all his music in a plastic box at the corner of the laundry room where it’s out of reach and stopped singing to the point that he doesn’t even remember how he sounds like whenever he hits a note.

 

Other than that, Sehun just wasn’t who he thought he was. Far from it, even. Like a distant dream lost in the clouds, with each second passing by making him question if all of it was even real.

 

And somehow knowing that, Luhan could no longer put his heart at ease by Sehun’s side anymore.

 

•••

 

 

It is two in the afternoon when Luhan begins to become conscious of his uncomfortable state and position in the tub. 

 

Luhan tilts his head to the side, making him feel hyper aware of the pain shooting on his neck stiffened from the lack of movement, prompting him to rest his cheek on the side of the tub. His head’s pounding and the small confines of the room is only making his breathing be a struggle.

 

He feels like shit.

 

Luhan stays in the same position for a couple of minutes before he finds strength to pull himself up to get out of the tub only to have the ground pull him down once again as soon as his bare feet comes in contact with the floor. He sits with his back resting on the side of the tub, leaning his face on the tiled wall as support, squishing his cheek before he looks down.

 

_ What happened last night? _

 

Luhan doesn’t remember much but he can already spot newly carved scratches blooming on his chest that he’s sure weren’t there when he’s first inspected his body the morning yesterday. At the corner of his eye, he can spot a number of cigarette butts and darkened ashes soiling the supposedly clean white tiles. A few feet in front of him lies the empty bottle of vodka.

 

Luhan closes his eyes, hoping to get the tiny flashes of memory slowly infiltrating itself inside his brain to vanish. He’d rather not remember what went on a few hours ago when he lost his mind. The thought gets pushed at the back of his mind with ease like it usually does. He had relapsed despite months of keeping himself under control. What’s done is done. There is no point in recalling now. 

 

Luhan stands up, imaginary needles pricking his skin with a stinging pain all over his scratched body. He sucks it up and heads over to the sink and wash his face. He grabs a towel right after but stops midway when he realizes the black towel hanging on the rack is unfamiliar.

 

Three hanggul blocks of golden thread are embroidered at the bottom part and Luhan brings it closer to his eyes to read.

 

오세훈.

 

Oh.

 

It’s Sehun’s.

 

Luhan steps out of the bathroom, his face still damp with water; no longer bothering himself to wipe it away. His steps mindless as his mind drifts off to the thought of Oh Sehun.

 

_ He’s not in Seoul right now. He’s in Beijing. My hometown. We fought. He won’t be back until tomorrow. _

 

Stop thinking about him,  Luhan reprimands himself right before his foot hits on an object lying on the floor. He looks down and sees that it’s a black travelling backpack. Not too far from it is a luggage. He recognizes them both to be from days ago when Sehun came in uninvited and said he’s moving in his apartment for filming.

 

Luhan isn’t even going to bother to change out of his soaked pants anymore. Luhan enters his room and instinctively flings himself on top of the bed and closes his eyes. It feels good, his limbs were tingling with comfort after hours of staying inside the porcelain tub. He digs his face deeper on the pillow and frowns.

 

His bed’s reminiscent of alcohol and yet the scent of Sehun’s perfume can still be traced despite the reek.  _ Ugh.  _ Luhan struggles to stick himself out of the bed and walk to the kitchen. His throat itches and a glass of water might help.

 

Once he steps inside the kitchen, he goes to the counter where the glasses are set aside and pauses to stare at a particular spot on the countertop.

 

Sehun took him there once, on top of the kitchen’s countertop. On a Wednesday night right after eating, Luhan’s never felt so filled in his life.

 

_ (“Sehun...ah… The food--we haven’t...” _

_ “Fuck, Luhan. Let me eat you first and I swear I’ll make you eat something delicious.” _

_ “Sehun!”) _

 

Luhan looks away and closes his eyes in frustration.

 

Every single part of his apartment reminds him of Sehun. 

 

_ Ugh. _

 

Luhan presses the rim of the glass on a button and lets it be filled with water before drinking it. Not long enough, the polyphonic tone of his phone rings, which turns out to be on top of the countertop. Just like yesterday when Sehun called him.

 

_ Fuck me. _

 

It was not of Luhan’s intention to slam the glass of water loudly on the table. He goes to take the cellphone in his hand and read the caller ID.

 

_ Baekhyun _

 

“Luhan!” Baekhyun greets, who seems to be back in his usual cheery mood, who seems to be back in his usual cheery mood if the enthusiasm in his voice is any giveaway. “Today is game day! Jeonbuk versus Daejeon!”

 

Game day?  Luhan was beyond confused until he’s reminded of the time he was at NiniMart and Baekhyun was trying to set him up with Joonmyun.

 

“I thought you said Seoul was playing against Suwon.” Luhan dryly comments, taking a seat at the breakfast nook with both his arms spread with the side of his cheek leaning on his left.

 

“That one’s yesterday!” Baekhyun exclaims, Luhan can already imagine the expression on his face as if thinking him silly. “I’m coming with you guys, don’t worry. We’re nearing your apartment already.”

 

“We?”

 

“I’m with Kim Candy, duh!” Baekhyun says as if it’s the most obvious thing.  _ Of course, Baekhyun still won’t stop. _ “We’re going to watch the game on TV.”

 

“What?” Luhan blurts out, confused as ever. He’s only been awake for a few minutes and he is not at all ready to face anyone. Let alone, Byun Baekhyun and his loud mouth along with Joonmyun who probably got dragged by his friend to come with. “Wait, I don’t--”

 

“I see your building already!” Baekhyun says, completely ignoring Luhan’s protest. “We’ll be there in five. Go make yourself pretty for Kim Candy, eh?”

 

•••

 

Luhan doesn’t do much to ‘make himself pretty’ like Baekhyun told him to aside from brushing his teeth and making sure to wear an oversized navy blue sweater as to conceal the redness of his skin from last night’s ordeal.

 

Despite that, by the time Baekhyun’s entered the apartment after much pounding on the wooden door. He still bothered to tickle Luhan’s chin and say, “So, so, so pretty.” and kick his shoes under the couch before Luhan could even protest.

 

Luhan spots Joonmyun standing upright just by the doorstep, a small smile already set on his face before he speaks, “Good afternoon, Luhan.” 

 

“Oh hey, Joonmyun-sshi.” Luhan greets, polite smile tight on his lips as he lets Joonmyun enter the living room.

 

“I brought chicken.” Joonmyun says, bringing the plastic bag with the bucket as he laughs cheekily. “I hope you’re okay now.” he says, Baekhyun must’ve mentioned something about Luhan’s state yesterday. Thinking about it now, what Baekhyun saw from his expression yesterday had only been the surface.

 

“I’m fine now.” Luhan laughs pushing his actual state of chaos even further inside of him.  _ No one has to know that I’m not okay--and that’s fine. _ His laughter dies down to a grin reassuring Joonmyun that there’s nothing to be concerned about. “Don’t worry.”

 

“Well isn’t that great?” Baekhyun exclaims, overhearing their conversation, pinching Luhan’s left cheek as he does so. “Baby SenSen was really sad yesterday too like me. We are so meant to be.” Baekhyun closes his eyes for dramatic effect. He fawns over himself, oblivious to the furrowing of Luhan’s eyebrows, whose curiosity was at its peak. “And you too. But you don’t know him anyway so I guess that wouldn’t matter to you.”

 

“How was he sad?” Luhan comments nonchalantly, the tone in his voice with a tinge of uninterest even though it’s the exact opposite of that.

 

“Well he seemed really sad at the airport.” Baekhyun tells him as he settles himself on the couch. “Kept looking at his phone too as if waiting. My poor baby! I wonder if he got himself a girlfriend already. But he’s still a baby. I doubt it.”

 

Baekhyun doesn’t say anymore other than that. It’s times like this that Luhan wishes Baekhyun would stay true to his character and blurt out every single detail of EXO’s Sen appearance last night. He could just search for it later but Luhan would rather not since the last time he did only lead him to realize just how different their worlds are.

 

By the time they’ve settled in, with the three of them huddled together on the couch with Luhan in the middle, it was already past four and the game has already started.

 

Luhan doesn’t pay much attention to the game unlike Baekhyun who’s diligently chowing down on a chicken leg as he shouts and comments every time the commentator says something. He isn’t interested in football anyway, or at least, not anymore. He’s starting to think that Baekhyun’s already noticed that he doesn’t have much interest in well, anything. Whenever they talk more than half of the conversation is carried by Baekhyun’s blabbering mouth with Luhan listening to his every word nodding with each pause and commenting with a few words or so. The only other places he goes to these days after class were NiniMart or the Han River since he’s been restraining himself to nightclubs and bars as an attempt to convince himself that his life isn’t that sad to a point that he has to go to such places just to find excitement in his life.

 

Maybe that’s why Baekhyun’s so adamant in making him date Joonmyun. Since what used to be the occasional mentions of him convincing same-building neighbor Kim Minseok in dating him (which he obviously is no longer trying to do now) is now gone and Luhan rarely ever inputs anything whenever they talk anymore, he put it upon himself to add some spice in Luhan’s life--whatever that means.

 

If only Baekhyun knew the only reason is because he’s secretly fucking with Oh Sehun then maybe he wouldn’t even be do this. 

 

But it isn’t as if he’d actually tell that to Baekhyun, or to anyone really.

 

“Luhan, what do you think?” Baekhyun asks, snapping him out of his reverie. 

 

Luhan turns to look at Baekhyun whose expression quickly changes to one of worry the moment he takes a good luck at him, “What?”

 

“You’re kind of pale.” Baekhyun comments, his hand reaching out to touch his face. But before he could do that, Joonmyun beats him to it by putting the back of his hand gently on Luhan’s forehead without a warning.

 

A frown paints his face the moment his skin feels the heat, “Luhan, you’re really hot.” he says, his eyes staring at Luhan with concern. Luhan reckons the chances of him melting because of his gaze in comparison to the heat radiating from himself.

 

Oh.  Nothing could be heard save for the sound of the television running commercials and Joonmyun seems to be unaware of the second meaning his choice of words gave away.

 

“Wow. Kim Candy-hyung, that was real smooth.” Baekhyun comments, snorting on his bag of chips after seconds of pausing.

 

“No. I mean…” Joonmyun starts, finally becoming conscious of his hand still in contact with Luhan’s skin. He quickly removes it right after with a shy smile. “I think you have a fever.”

 

Luhan doesn’t really feel sick at all. Maybe a little light in the head and the lack of will to open his mouth and speak but definitely not sick. “I’ll just go take some medicine after you guys leave.” he says, hoping it’s enough to make them shut up about the topic.

 

Luhan ended up with his eyes closed, half-asleep for the rest of the game and the movie that they watched right after. He hasn’t even touched the bucket of chicken once (not that he intends to) when Baekhyun decided that maybe Luhan needs to rest if he’s sick barely even past eight P.M.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay? Because I can get you meds. I mean there’s a drugstore just in front.” Baekhyun offers. But Luhan shakes his head in refusal.

 

“No need for that. I’ve got meds, I’ll just take them later after eating.” he says, not really meaning it. He waves them goodbye and only closes the door when they’re out of his sight.

 

It isn’t until when Luhan’s resting on his bed did he realize just how feverish he feels. It was normal at first, the slight uneasiness to take in oxygen with his limbs feeling so heavy. His stomach’s grumbling but he can’t find the strength or will to actually get up and find something to eat. It was the kind of helplessness that he’d wish he doesn’t live alone and have to fend for himself because that won’t help when Luhan barely even cares if he’s sick or not. He felt so bothered that he could not get even the slightest hint of sleep.

 

It is an hour later when the ring of the doorbell reverberates within his apartment and Luhan groans. He opts to ignore it when the second rings comes and he wraps his shoulders around the blanket even if his skin already feels like its burning. When a sudden thought crosses his mind, he flips his eyes open.

 

_ Could it be Sehun? _

 

Luhan quickly rises and shuffles towards the front door, not bothering to return the tossed blanket back to the bed. He holds his breath and twists the door open.

 

Once Luhan sees who it is, he can’t help but feel his heart drop at the sight before him.

 

“Joonmyun-sshi?” Luhan inquires, wanting to ask why he’s here. Disappointment still lingering in Luhan’s mind and he shouldn’t have expected since Sehun did say he won’t be back until Monday.

 

“Uh…” Joonmyun begins, his shyness clearly evident with the lack of words on his side. “Hi. Baekhyun told me to get you these.” he settles on that word before raising the plastic bag in his hand, “I also brought  _ juk _ for you to eat.”

 

They stay there just standing for a few seconds when Luhan realizes how rude he’s being with the expression he’s wearing on his face as if he’s less than glad to see Joonmyun at this time of the night. He plasters on a polite smile and Joonmyun smiles back as Luhan lets him in the apartment.

 

“I’ve noticed you haven’t eaten anything when we were here awhile ago.” Joonmyun says, entering the kitchen with Luhan following him. They sit down at the breakfast nook as Joonmyun takes out the bowl of porridge out of the plastic bag.

 

His stomach’s growling and he doesn’t have it in him to be shy and refuse the food so he takes it to eat. Joonmyun watches expectantly, like a mother waiting for her son’s reaction to what she just cooked. It tastes good, Luhan notices as he takes another spoonful into his mouth. But just when he’s about only a few spoons into the  juk , pushing the food down his throat feels like a struggle and the warmth settling down on his stomach makes him feel uneasy.

 

“I’m sorry. I can’t eat any more than this.” Luhan admits right after minutes of trying to eat normally. He doesn’t even remember the last time he’s actually eaten anything without feeling like he’s about to puke his insides out. “Maybe later. I really don’t feel like eating.”

 

Joonmyun lets out a soft smile, Luhan feels really feels like a child with the way he’s being treated. But it isn’t as if he’s acting like one too by refusing to eat despite the churning in his stomach. “Oh, that’s alright. You could just eat the rest later.”

 

He does not know how it happened but right after Joonmyun made him down a few pills, they ended up sitting next to each other on the L-shaped couch as they watch television in the dark. It must’ve been something along the lines of Luhan thoughtlessly offering him to stay before going off to drive back to his home in Apgujeong.

 

The thrum beats of the television falls gently on his ears like a lullaby. Luhan finally falls asleep.

 

Luhan wakes up with his cheek resting on cotton and toned muscles. He blinks, once, twice, and realizes the one his head is resting on is a body that isn’t his.

 

“I fell asleep.” Luhan says, blinking his eyes open as they readjust to the darkness. The television is still on but the lights are still switched off. “I’m sorry.”

 

Joonmyun laughs, Luhan can feel the vibration on his head, making him realize that his head’s still resting on his shoulder blade. He immediately sits up straight in embarrassment.  You just had to fall asleep.

 

“Morning, Luhan-sshi.” Joonmyun greets, sleepily.  
 

“You’re still here?” Luhan blurts out despite the obvious. “And it’s morning already?”

 

“I just woke up too not long before you did. I fell asleep too.” Joonmyun yawns, as he checks his phone for the time. “It’s only 2 A.M.”

 

“You should get going.” Luhan says, thinking he’s kept him long enough. He backpedals a few seconds after realizing it was rude to make him leave after only minutes of being awake, “Right after coffee, I mean.” 

 

It was silent. The kind when it’s morning and only the sound from the television fills in the spaces when Luhan speaks once again. “Thank you.” Luhan says, the thought of the past few hours from when Joonmyun came back in his mind. “And to Baekhyun too, I’m really sorry he put you up with this but tell him I’m thankful.”

 

They keep quiet after that and Luhan can feel the unsaid words lingering in the air but were too caught up inside of their mouths to be heard.

 

“I lied.” Joonmyun admits, letting go of the words held back. “Baekhyun didn’t tell me to get you these. I just wanted to make sure you take your medicine.”

 

Luhan gulps. His mind unwilling to wrap itself around what was just said. He had a feeling the situation was like that but he didn’t think Joonmyun would admit it.

 

_ Why would you do that? _

 

Luhan is afraid of the next words to come. He knows better than to to assume. But it isn’t as if he’s blind enough not to see what lies beneath Baekhyun’s insistence to make him spend more time with Joonmyun, who always somehow act differently around Luhan compared to others. 

 

“I don’t know how to explain this but…” Joonmyun starts, taking a deep breath as if the next words he’s about to say have been stuck on the tip of his tongue for a long time.  _ Don’t. Stop.  _ “You took a leave of absence last year and now you’re back and I barely even see you anymore.” 

 

“I’m just glad I can talk to you like this. It’s much better than stealing glances at you during class.” Joonmyun laughs at himself, “I hope that doesn’t freak you out. I just really like you. I’m sorry.”

 

“You didn’t have to do this.” Luhan says, because he’s sick with fever not terminally ill. He’s a grown man and he doesn’t need anyone to take care of him especially if he doesn’t want to.

 

Joonmyun only smiles, “Let me take care of you.”

 

His smile resembles the sun, it falls bright in Luhan’s eyes and it burns. He’s too perfect. 

 

He can do much better than to like Luhan. 

 

Luhan looks away and stares straight at the television. It’s playing an ice cream commercial.  Baskin Robbins.  It’s one of EXO and Sehun’s face pops out eating a cone scooped with mint chocolate chip. Luhan closes his eyes.

 

“I didn’t even know you’re gay.” Luhan says out of impulse, running out of words to say. But he doesn’t want the silence to linger and make the situation more awkward than it already is.

 

“Well, I’ve never really liked any guy since high school…” Joonmyun explains, “But I’ve always known I was. I’ve never liked anyone after that.” he pauses, Luhan can see a grin splay out on Joonmyun’s face at the side of his vision. “Not until you, at least.” 

 

They fall back into silence, as if one has not just confessed and the other isn’t questioning his sincerity.

 

Luhan doesn’t understand. Why would someone like Joonmyun even like him? As far as he knew, Joonmyun was born with a silver spoon, brought up with a classy upbringing with fancy table manners and a business to inherit. He has good grades and has been offered a scholarship he declined since his parents has more than enough to afford his education.

 

Even Luhan’s image in university isn’t all that good since the  _ scandal .  _

 

Luhan stops himself from raking deeper into the depths of his mind, not wanting to be reminded of what became a turning point in his life. 

 

“You don’t have to say anything right now if you don’t want to…” Joonmyun speaks, noticing the silence on Luhan’s side. “I just needed to get this off my chest.”

 

_ Why would you even like me? _

 

Luhan’s doesn’t have the best image there is. To top it all of he hardly ever attends his classes and is always on the brink of failing due to absences; if it hadn’t been for academically performing exceptionally when he has to, there is no denying that he’ll be kicked out of his program in no time.

 

So what would someone like Joonmyun see in him?

 

Maybe it’s because Joonmyun hardly even knows him. 

 

He’s going to get out the moment he finds out how Luhan really is.

 

A thump, a soft sound enters his ears and takes him back to reality. He flips his eyes open Joonmyun is still looking at him intently. The soft glow coming from the television illuminating his features the slightest. He has an approachable face, as if you know he wouldn’t hurt you and that he would never lie. When he talks, he talks as if he’s certain of everything that comes out of his mouth. 

 

Luhan is so scared.

 

“I’m going to take a shower.” Luhan excuses, no longer being able to take the chokehold on his neck. He sends a small smile to Joonmyun to reassure him that he isn’t mad or uncomfortable with what he just heard.

 

But once he twists the door lock and he’s inside the confines of his bedroom with only the bedside lamp on, he sits down on the hardwood floor and stops himself from pondering on the thought of how Joonmyun even managed to like someone so… Luhan.

 

After minutes, he stands up and heads to the door that lead to the walk-in closet and bathroom. He’s going to need a shower and hope all his worries will wash off of him and down the drain. Luhan pushes the door open for only a few inches, before he freezes at the sight.

 

There’s someone inside.

 

The lamp at the end of the cramped up space is on lightening up the dark room in a faint yellowish light. The person is clad in a camo sweat shirt and skinny jeans with his back turned from him. Nevertheless, it was enough for Luhan to recognize who it was despite only seeing just that. He can recognize that tall stature and broad shoulders anywhere.

 

Luhan watches the figure turn rigid since the moment the door creaked and he realized that he isn’t alone and he’s been seen.

 

With a soft voice, Luhan calls for him. 

 

“Sehun?” 


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10.3k words. nearing the end of first arc. will maybe merge chapters into one after the end! or should i post chapters on ao3 whenever i update the one on aff for faster updates? let me know if anyone is reading this ;A;

“Sehun?”

 

It felt like seconds turned into minutes right after Luhan called out his name. Sehun stood there with his back facing him, like a frozen photograph stuck in time. But it isn’t as if they can stay like that forever. The thought of calling his name again in case Sehun wasn’t able to hear him (even if Luhan’s sure that he did) floated in his mind. Just when he was about to say his name again, Sehun turns around.

 

“Hey…” Sehun says, face mask tugged down around his chin. His eyes finding interest on anything but Luhan himself. Silence envelopes them once again, and it felt like buckets of ice poured over his shoulders when Sehun didn’t seem like he’s affected in any way at all upon seeing Luhan.

 

 _How did Sehun get here?_ Luhan thinks, finally wondering how he could’ve missed Sehun. When? He was in the living room the whole time when-- _Fuck._

 

Sehun must’ve seen him with Joonmyun.

 

“Joonmyun is here.” Luhan blurts out of panic, and Luhan doesn’t know where to begin. It’s already past midnight and there aren’t much excuses as to why Joonmyun is in his apartment at such an ungodly hour. It isn’t even the first time Sehun has doubted him about Joonmyun and the last time that he did, Luhan was unable to clarify who Joonmyun was.

 

Before Luhan even has a chance to begin explaining, Sehun speaks, “I just need my script.” Sehun turns his back once again on Luhan and continues his search. “I left it here. I have a filming in a few hours and I need it.”

 

“I thought you won’t be back ‘til Monday?”

 

“It is Monday.” Sehun says, as a matter of fact. He halts his movements as if thinking of the right words to say. “Look, I’m really sorry for coming here knowing that Joonmyun guy might see me. But I just really need my script.”

 

Oh.

 

Luhan didn’t need to explain. Sehun doesn’t even seem like he’s asking for one. Sehun doesn’t even care.

 

“I think it’s in your drawer.” Luhan says, surprised he was able to speak without his voice breaking. Sehun immediately pulls on the handle of the topmost drawer, he didn’t need to ask where because he already knows he’s stayed in his place for so many times he’s found a place to keep his stuff.

 

“Found it.” he says, pulling out a bundle of pages in which he flips through, checking if anything’s amiss. “I’m going to leave.”

 

It was out of instinct when Luhan tries to stop him from leaving by pulling his wrist right before Sehun was about to pull on the door handle. Sehun turns his head to the side with a raised brow, finally being able to look at Luhan. His gaze indifferent. It feels so cold.

 

 _Please stay,_ Luhan wanted to tell him, only he can’t find a reason enough to say it out loud.

 

“Joonmyun is here. He’ll see you.” Luhan says, running out of excuses. The expression Sehun has on his face changes, both of his brows are now furrowed as if wondering why Luhan even deemed it necessary to tell him that before he finally understands.

 

“Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot that you don’t want to be seen with me. Okay.” Sehun snickers, a mocking smirk painted on his lips. The tone in his voice is unfamiliar. The kind you get when you’re a new employee who keeps getting everything wrong and Sehun’s his boss who’s sick of tolerating such incompetence, sick of tolerating Luhan. “You can take your _friend_ maybe to the kitchen while I leave and you could go back to whatever you were doing.”

 

Luhan wanted to say more, but his tongue’s all out of words and Sehun looked like he wanted to get out of his sight as soon as possible. Luhan can’t keep him any longer than he already is now.

 

“Okay.” Luhan says in surrender before staring right into his eyes. He does not know what he’s waiting for either. Maybe he’s waiting for Sehun to say something; to stop being so cold. For a second he sees Sehun’s expression falter into something more familiar. Soft and gentle, his knitted eyebrows becoming undone before it hardens back and Luhan can barely even recognize the look on his face when Sehun looks at him like that.

 

It hurts.

 

Luhan looks away before the glistening of his eyes becomes evident. He steps out of the closet and mentally hits the back of his knees to stop them from weakening before he breaks down. It’s hard, to restrain himself from looking back to check if Sehun’s cold front has melted. But he was scared too. What if it wasn’t an act? What if Sehun really is sick of acting nice in front of Luhan now that his cover’s blown and Luhan already knows who he is?

 

It’s not something Luhan can take. He’s already had enough--too much, even.

 

Luhan returns to the living room and sees that Joonmyun has his eyes stuck on the television before he spots Luhan at the corner of his eyes and smiles.

 

“I thought you were going to take a shower.” Joonmyun says. Luhan pulls himself up and makes sure it isn’t obvious that he’s on the edge of breaking down. Luhan lets out a smile, as much as the muscles on his face can muster.

 

“I should make you coffee before I shower.”

 

Joonmyun nods before they go to the kitchen and Luhan sets up the coffeemaker and goes about it like he always did in his barista days. He’s so tempted to take even just a glance beyond the archway and possibly catch a glance of Sehun stepping out of his bedroom door. But he resists, knowing that his tears might just fall down and he doesn’t want to burden anyone with his tears, not even Joonmyun who he knows won’t mind that much.

 

He’s probably been gone for only a minute or two and it’s curious how his mood can take a three-sixty degree just because of one person.

 

 _But Sehun isn’t just anyone,_ Luhan thinks. But who was he even? How could Luhan give him the power to mess up with his emotions the way he is now?

 

How many days has it even been?

 

 _Twenty-two days,_ Luhan recalls. It hasn’t even been a month. But he’s felt as if his whole life has revolved around Sehun. Now it felt as if they’re in a theater drop, a scrim, a solid facade that made him think that everything Luhan ever thought and knew about Sehun were real. Only the lights were now shed and Luhan saw just how bright Sehun shines unlike him who lives his life in the shadows.

 

Their lives are just too… _different._

 

When Luhan comes back to his room, Sehun has already left. His backpack and luggage is still there and none of Sehun’s stuff has moved from its place aside from the stapled stack of pages of his script. Traces of Sehun’s presence has stuck itself inside of his apartment. He won’t be able to sleep later without the faint smell of his vanilla-scented perfume haunting the spaces of his room.

 

Luhan takes a long hot shower, his reddened skin becoming even more sensitive with the contact. It feels good. He would’ve let himself be drowned in the heat if he hadn’t been reminded of Joonmyun waiting outside in the kitchen with a lone cup of coffee.

 

Joonmyun leaves not long after Luhan’s dressed with every single bit of his body save for his hands, feet, and face in view as to conceal the redness of his skin. Before Joonmyun goes, he leaves Luhan with a reminder for him to take his medicine and eat. Luhan couldn’t find his voice so he just nods and shows off a sleepy demeanor to hide his sorrow.

 

When everything is quiet and only the ticking of the clock can be heard, Luhan’s left alone with his thoughts as he stares at the ceiling. It’s only fortunate that he’s in a tired enough state that he can’t find enough strength to drown himself in misery.

 

It’s so lonely.

 

A tear escapes from his eye, a soundless cry with his face expressionless and only the saline liquid an indication of his distress. His sick condition only heightens the sadness he feels inside and he wants to rip his eyes out and just sleep because the memory of Sehun’s eye smiles directed at him before were being replaced with the cold, indifferent gazes he had sent him not long ago.

 

Luhan didn’t want to believe it when he feels the left side of the bed dip. He freezes, holding his breath when a hand presses lightly on his forehead before he feels the roughness of the person’s fingers caressing his cheek down to his neck. The touch was familiar to him after so many nights feeling the very same hands on his skin.

 

“Lu…” he hears him whisper.

 

_Sehun._

 

Luhan doesn’t dare to move. He’s afraid that if he moves even a single muscle, Sehun would leave. For once in his life, Luhan wanted to be selfish. He wanted to keep Sehun even if he knows just by being with him will do the both of them no good. It may not seem like such a bad idea to be together now, but in the near future it’ll be such a wreck.

 

Luhan would know.

 

“You’re sick… Have you eaten? Taken your medicine?” Sehun whispers, barely even audible as if he’s afraid Luhan will wake up even if he isn’t asleep. “That Joonmyun guy has taken good care of you, huh? He should be… he seems to really like you too…”

 

Luhan misses Sehun. It’s only been less than two days but he already misses him. He misses Sehun so much.

 

Sehun pulls him in, Luhan’s tuft of hair just below his chin with his face buried on Sehun’s neck.

 

“I missed you…” he says, this time a little louder than before.

 

No matter how much Luhan tried to stay still, he couldn’t find it in him not to break down. It’s all too overwhelming and his feelings are all messed up but there is only one thing running in his mind. _You’re here. You’re really here._

 

Luhan refuses to open his eyes even with the tears flowing continuously on his bony cheeks. Escaped sobs begin to fill in the room and he can feel Sehun shift his movements as if in panic. Sehun shushes him by kissing both of his shut eyes, softly and tenderly. Gentle as if Luhan’s skin is porcelain and he’s being careful not to break him.

 

“I’ve got you.” Sehun whispers in his ear, lips grazing on his skin as one hand caresses the strands of his hair and the other running up and down his back in comfort. “I’ve got you.”

 

 _I don’t deserve you,_ Luhan thinks. _But I like you and I wish you’d stay no matter how fucked up I am. Please don’t leave._

“Sleep well, Lu.” he hears Sehun whisper in his ear, like he always does whenever they share a bed.

 

Just like now.

 

They fall asleep just like that. No words. Just skin meeting skin in the most innocent way possible.

 

•••

 

“If I tell you to leave, will you?” Luhan asked, staring at faint lines of abdomen belonging to the man who has him encaged in his arms. Under the sheets of the California king-sized bed of Sehun’s penthouse, they lay with Seoul’s skyline slowly coming into light with the floor-to-ceiling windows only a few meters beside them.

 

It had only been a week and a half since Luhan met Sehun, but he can’t imagine how his life would be like without being in his presence anymore.

 

“You won’t right?” he whispered, looking up to stare at Sehun in the face--who just turned out to have fallen asleep. _Oh._ He must’ve been too tired after hours of shooting. _What must it be this time?_ Luhan thought. Probably numerous small roles on cable television. Luhan’s never really bothered to pry when it came to his work.

 

Sehun’s breathing has evened, Luhan noticed. He really has fallen asleep. Luhan smiled faintly, thinking about how similar his situation had been with Sehun years before when--Luhan stopped digging deeper into the past. He shouldn’t even be thinking about it now that he’s with Sehun. Such a sad memory should not taint his new happy ones.

 

Luhan stared at Sehun’s sleeping face for a few more minutes before he spoke again, “You won’t like _him,_ right?”

 

•••

 

Luhan wakes up to the sound of the alarm’s monotonous ringtone. He groans, he is not in the right state to wake up just yet for his seven o’clock class.

 

It’s Monday again.

 

Forcing himself to move, Luhan reaches his hand out to retrieve his phone from the side table and stop the alarm. He turns his head to the left side of the bed and flutters his eyes open.

 

There is an empty space.

 

 _That’s odd,_ he thinks. Luhan sits up, his sleepiness now gone as checks his inbox for anything. He could’ve sworn Sehun was here, holding him last night. There is no text message in his phone. Luhan begins to panic, his voice is parched but he still belched out all that his vocal chords can manage.

 

“Sehun!” he shouts, kicking the blankets off as he frantically checks the living room and finds no one. The powder room isn’t locked either and he’s greeted with nothing but a lone toilet and sink.

 

“Sehun?” he calls out, voice gentler this time as he peeks at the kitchen. Luhan even checks the laundry room just in case but finds no one.

 

He hasn’t checked his bathroom and closet yet.

 

Luhan is scared of what he might see. His face is void of any expression at this point as he holds himself up and prepares himself. Sehun is just here, he thinks. If he isn’t, then he’ll be back.

 

Luhan twists the doorknob open with his eyes closed and hopes to see Sehun’s figure fresh from the shower or brushing his teeth. He’ll even hope to see him dressing up to leave, anything but--Luhan opens his eyes and sees the dressing room emptier than it has been for the past few days.

 

Sehun’s luggage and backpack is gone.

 

Luhan steps out of the closet, the small space was starting to close in on his shoulders and took a toll on his breathing. His throat hurts from all the shouting, he needs a glass of water. His steps are slow, as if waiting for Sehun to pop out of nowhere with each step that he takes. But he’s already reached the kitchen and Sehun still isn’t around.

 

Luhan feels his limbs weaken. _If this is some sick joke and Sehun just hid his stuff somewhere else then it isn't funny._ Luhan is just overreacting, he tends to do that anyway. _Yes, yes. Nothing to worry about._

 

He goes to the fridge and notices that there’s a note stuck on a magnet with the characters, “出口” written with the words “EXIT” as a subtitle. Luhan’s hands are shaky when he takes the note and reads.

 

_i cooked some juk for you to eat. i put it inside the fridge just reheat it when you’re hungry._

_if your head hurts take the orange tablet every 4 hours. if your nose is stuffy, take the yellow pill every 8 hours. don’t stop until you finish all i put in the medicine box on the counter..._

_drink lots of water and don’t forget to eat. i know you skip meals a lot please don’t, okay? you’re already thin enough and you need to eat before taking your medicine._

_thank you for having me and i’m sorry._

_take care lu_

 

Luhan feels as though the world stopped spinning at that moment.

 

_Why does it feel like goodbye?_

 

_No._

 

The note slips through his fingers and falls on the hardwood floor.

 

Luhan smiles, a laughter slipping out of his lips in unbelief. He must be crazy. _This is a joke. A sad, twisted joke._

_He can't believe this._

 

One night stands weren’t meant to last for not more than a few hours of pleasure fucking. It wasn’t meant to extend up to twenty-two days. Luhan has had flings way back that lasted longer than they had but they didn’t have the same effect as Sehun had on him.

 

Had they been a fling too? Was he just another fling to Sehun for him to drop Luhan that easily with a note and some food and medicine? Was last night just a goodbye?

 

So many questions running in his mind but not one can answer why Sehun has left.

 

Luhan is right. What they have isn’t going to last. Maybe Sehun did like him, even if it’s even the tiniest bit of affection. But clearly it wasn’t enough to make him stay. No one can handle him at his worst. Sehun hadn’t even been able to see him at his worst and yet he still left him even though he bawled his eyes out the night before as he kissed the tears away… or was that all just an act too?

 

Luhan is right.

 

He just wishes Sehun would’ve been one to prove him wrong.

 

•••

 

The next few hours had been spent trying to reach Sehun as he chokes on the tears. Luhan doesn’t even know why he’s crying so hard. The tears just flow out of his control with each unanswered call and unreplied message. He only stops when he’s too spent and the only thing he can do is lay on his bed, unable to sleep.

 

At some point, his phone rings and Luhan immediately answers it thinking it was Sehun, only it was Joonmyun asking him if he was still too sick in the mrning to have missed class and that Baekhyun wanted to tell him that his class in the afternoon was cancelled as well much to his relief. It felt as though the heavens knew the morning wasn’t enough for Luhan’s tears and gave way so he can wallow in his own misery.

 

“I left you a message in the morning. Have you read it?” Joonmyun asks, after moments of silence and reluctance.

 

“You did?” Luhan asks, he didn’t even notice since he was too preoccupied with trying to contact Sehun.

 

Joonmyun’s voice falters with an “I did.” Despite that, Joonmyun picks back up on his cheery voice and asks, “Are you okay now?”

 

Luhan says he is even if he’s the exact opposite of that. Joonmyun didn’t think Luhan had the energy to talk to him either so he took it upon himself to say goodbye.

 

Luhan’s not sure if he’s hurting or if he’s just sick. He’s both, perhaps. But one was consuming him in the worst way possible. Luhan has always been good at keeping the thoughts and emotions that bother him at the back of his mind as if they aren’t there in the first place. He has always done that with ease. However he doesn't know why he's struggling so much. When he's outside it wasn't that hard but it was inevitable for Luhan to break out from his facade whenever he’s alone and there’s nothing to distract him from taking his mind off the thought of Sehun.

 

Every time Luhan eats and takes his medicine, each pill he swallows only reminds him that it’s from Sehun and it’s probably the last thing he’ll get from him. Maybe Luhan should take the pills Joonmyun left for him as well and treasure the ones Sehun gave him until he’s sick of it.

 

Despite his sorrow, Luhan didn’t want to stay all day inside his apartment so he still turned up at work. Albeit, being next to lifeless as he stacked, arranged, and mopped away, refusing to take over the cash register because his voice sounded dead and it’ll probably break every time he lets out even just a few words.

 

But he manages four hours of work anyway, Luhan later awards himself with a smoke, his feet dangling on the edge as he imagines himself once again slipping and drowning on the cold river of the Han. The thought doesn’t seem so bad. Just one push and his body will grow colder with the water as he sinks deeper, never to see the light again.

 

Before he can even consider the idea even more, he slips on his shoes and turns his back away from having the river be at his line of sight as he lights another stick of cigarette.

 

Luhan has his mother waiting for him back in Beijing. His father needs him to finish college.

 

Luhan still needs to prove something.

 

It’s the end of a relationship- _-_ _a fling._ Not a life.

 

(He just hopes it’s enough for him to believe it too.)

 

His class at Tuesday starts in the afternoon so he still has time to cry over Sehun and read every message that’s been sent back and forth from his conversation with Sehun on his phone. They were all sex, he observes. He was just sex, why did Luhan even think they could be more?

 

There aren’t even much photos he has of Sehun in his phone, he notices only now. He doesn’t have the heart to delete them just yet. He tries to contact Sehun once again, but to no avail Sehun doesn’t pick up or answer any of his messages.

 

Has Sehun really left him with only a note, some food and medicine as a parting gift? It still feels surreal and a part of Luhan still doesn’t believe it.

 

Maybe Luhan should go and pay a visit at Sehun’s place and beg for an explanation and perhaps to ask for the two of them to go back to the way it was. But no, that isn’t right. Sehun’s clearly cut him off his life. He should respect that.

 

Joonmyun sends him a smile as soon as he’s spotted Luhan enter the classroom and Luhan takes his seat beside Baekhyun who had obviously noticed his current state. He’s had moments like this before and Baekhyun knew better than to ask so he lets Luhan be silent throughout as he filled Luhan in some campus gossip as he always does.

 

Joonmyun calls him in the night and the morning next day to reminded him to take his medicine and ask if he’s rid of the fever. Luhan doesn’t even know, he can’t differentiate heartache from sickness anymore.

 

It was on Wednesday night when Luhan breaks and the heavy weight pulling him down was something he could no longer carry. He drinks alone, like the sad, lonely being that he is. He’s been trying not to because doing so only makes the fact that Sehun has left even more real. He could not believe he’d be back at being the way he is now, it was nothing new to Luhan. He’s been there, done that. But his heart hurt since he actually thought there was an end to this kind of misery.

 

Luhan could’ve sworn at some point Sehun’s feelings were real. But did he get sick of Luhan? Had Luhan been too much for Sehun to handle?

 

Luhan can’t breathe. It’s as if his lungs are just as desperate as Luhan is for Sehun to just come back. He rests the back of his hand just below his neck and attempts to breathe through the tears.

 

Luhan opens his contacts and scrolls down until it reaches to where Sehun’s name is. He closes his eyes and presses on the contact, and what he assumes to be where the call button is located. He hears the dial tone ring and his breath hitches as he waits for it to get picked up even if he’s almost certain he won’t answer. But then the dial tone transitions into white noise indicating that Sehun picked the call up.

 

“Sehun?” Luhan calls out in excitement because finally. But there was no response. “Sehun, are you there?”

 

It’s getting harder to breathe. There was so much Luhan wanted to tell Sehun but they all get bitten back in the tongue with his choked sobs. Where should he even begin? Luhan doesn’t know.

 

“I’m sorry.” Luhan cries out desperately. “I’m so, so, sorry.”

 

“Luhan-hyung?” the voice on the other end of the phone call says, making Luhan still for a moment. Why would Sehun call him hyung? He thinks. Wait, he doesn’t even sound like Sehun at all.

 

“I think you got the wrong number. This is Jaehyun. NiniMart Jaehyun. Co-worker Jaehyun.”

 

Luhan hangs up and throws the phone on the floor. _Stupid._ He had his hopes up once again. Of course, Sehun wouldn’t pick his call up. How dumb of him.

 

His alarm rings at twelve o’clock. He showers, dresses up, and picks something to eat before taking another capsule from the pill box Sehun had left him. It’s going to become empty soon enough.

 

Luhan comes to work early having nothing to do at his apartment, so he arrives at NiniMart before two P.M. which is more than three hours before his shift starts. Luhan wanted to start working right away but Heechul didn’t let him do so by saying something about how he just got back from a fever and he should get enough rest and asked him not to let Baekhyun come to NiniMart tonight since he’s had enough peasants to deal with today.

 

Luhan doesn’t even know how Heechul found out he was sick and presumes it must’ve been obvious with his behavior the past few days. Luhan decides that he should sleep on the couch in the backroom until his shift begins.

 

When his shift begins at five, he decides that he can handle the counter once again without the risk of his voice breaking whenever he asks the customer if they want the items to be bagged with plastic or not. An hour into his shift, the glass double-doors swing open to reveal Jaehyun just right in time for work.

 

“Hey, hyung.” Jaehyun greets, the smile on his face more teasing than it usually is before he heads over to the backroom and change out of his school uniform.

 

 _That’s strange,_ Luhan thinks. _Why would--_

 

Then it dawned on him that Jaehyun might know. _Fuck._ He couldn’t have… he didn’t mention anything other than Sehun’s name and an apology. But the name Sehun unmistakably belongs to a man and the way Luhan had cried during the short phone call sounded too desperate to just be from a spat with a friend.

 

When Jaehyun steps out from the back room and enters behind the counter just beside Luhan, he does his best to avoid and act natural as though he hadn’t been caught wailing Sehun’s name with an apology just before dawn. It was when Jaehyun stared at him for a minute or so did he know that there was no escaping from this. Don’t.

 

“Is the Sehun you were supposed to call… your boyfriend?” Jaehyun asks, straight to the point.

 

Luhan halts his movements, his limbs paralyzed in place. Luhan was at a lost for words. He doesn't know what to say so he acted as if he didn’t hear anything and went about with ignoring Jaehyun, hoping he’d stop upon realizing that Luhan wouldn’t respond.

 

“It’s okay. I have a friend. He has a boyfriend too.” Luhan focuses on his peripheral vision and sees that the smile Jaehyun has on his face seemed as if he wanted to make sure Luhan wouldn’t get the idea that he’d hate him for being who he is. “Did you call him again after you hanged up on me?” Luhan still refused to talk. “To that Sehun guy. Did you call him again to apologize right after?”

 

Luhan didn’t have the will to explain so he just nods and looks away, pretending to count the notes and coins inside the register as if it’s the most productive thing to do. Why not even one person inside the convenience store has anything to buy and keep him from responding to Jaehyun’s soft interrogation, Luhan doesn’t know.

 

“Well I hope whatever fight you had was resolved.” Jaehyun says with sincerity.

 

Luhan takes a glance at Jaehyun and he still has that smile on his face, so unlike his usual ones tainted with mischief before he looks back down on the cash register. “Please don’t tell anyone.” he asks with a soft voice.

 

“It’s alright. Everyone has secrets. I’ll keep yours. Don’t worry.” Luhan lets go of the breath he hadn’t known he was holding. “This is just something between you and me. But I think Taeyong-hyung doesn’t really have a girlfriend.”

 

“What?” Luhan says, confused with the sudden change of topic.

 

“Why did I hear my name?” Taeyong interrupts, Luhan jumps and swings his head towards Taeyong’s direction. Did he overhear them?

 

Fuck, Luhan thought. His insides trembling with fear at the situation.

 

“I was just telling Luhan-hyung here how your girlfriend doesn’t exist.” Jaehyun says with nonchalance.

 

“Yah, what did I tell you about lying? You shouldn’t even be saying such things when--” Jaehyun scolds. He doesn’t seem to have heard Jaehyun’s flurry of questions but he can’t be too sure.

 

“Yeah, my mom told me the same thing when I was eight.”

 

“Then why are you still--”

 

Jaehyun leans his head closer and whispers just loud enough for Taeyong to hear, “So hyung, do you think his girlfriend exists?”

 

“Well I’ve never seen her.” Luhan says, deciding to support Jaehyun with his monkey business even if his mind’s still filled with anxiety at the possibility of having more people know who he really is. He’s going to have to quit. He can’t--

 

“Soojin is real!” Taeyong bursts out in protest.

 

Jaehyun snickers, “Even her name is begging to be real.” he comments.

 

“Yah, you ghost! What did you mean by--Why are you laughing?”

 

“You just called me ghost! What kind of insult is that?” Jaehyun laughs hysterically as Taeyong rolls his eyes and continues walking to the back room.

 

“Taeyong-hyung didn’t hear anything if you were wondering.” Jaehyun clears out not long after Taeyong disappears to the back room. “He wouldn’t judge you though, if he knew. I know him well enough.”

 

They go back to work after that. Jaehyun doesn’t treat him differently as if what he found out hadn’t been what he’s been trying to hide as much as possible from his co-workers. It felt like any normal day at work with his casual throw of jokes most especially when he bothers Taeyong and tries to convince Luhan into ganging up on him. Luhan feels normal at his workplace for once.

 

Maybe society really is being more accepting to people who are like him.

 

It was a nice thought. But then Luhan remembers Beijing and his sick mother who dreams of having her own grandchildren and father who’s pressuring him to take over the family business. He thinks of his first love, the boy who played soccer and video games with him until midnight and held him like he was his whole world only to be left by Luhan who didn’t have the courage to love someone like him.

 

Luhan thinks about his dreams too, how he’s certain he’ll never be as near to it as he had been years ago and thinks about the one person who had destroyed him and the only person he thought would stay. There were many more too, instances where he’s found happiness at the wrong place, wrong time, wrong everything…

 

And then his mind drifts off to the thought of Sehun. Top idol, Sen. Rising Actor, Oh Sehun. The possibilities of how their relationship might work out if he and Sehun ever do continue seeing each other stood still in his mind. His mind comes up with a blank and he can’t even imagine how it would be like if they ever get caught. It would be such a mess.

 

Luhan’s already had enough trouble with the people in school. What more if his family finds out? Sehun doesn’t deserve to experience the same things Luhan had. It’s highly probable that his family doesn’t even know much like Luhan’s own. His fans, for sure do not know. His company will have a fit trying to protect his image and it’ll be futile.

 

It’s only right for them to end the way they have right now. Up in the air with no closure. Less pain. Less casualties. He can’t let himself ruin Sehun’s career. He’s still so young.

 

Now that Luhan thinks about it, maybe the note Sehun had left was enough to be considered a closure. Maybe Sehun already prepared himself for this. The unavoidable end to their unconventional relationship. But Luhan hadn’t been anticipating it. He didn’t even consider it would end until a few days later when Luhan found out Sehun wasn’t who he thought he was.

 

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

 

There was a time, when Luhan had put everything on the line only to be disappointed to know it wasn’t enough. He knew better than to try again, which was why he was so reluctant to have someone see him for who he really is amidst the distant front and apathetic disposition. For Sehun however, he was at least willing to consider in letting him break more than just one wall that he has built so high to protect himself.

 

But clearly, it wasn’t enough.

 

He remembers the first time he thinks he’s met Sehun just weeks ago, when he was watching him play basketball under the rain from afar. It should’ve ended there. He should’ve ran before Sehun approached him with his umbrella. He shouldn’t have let himself be ruined in the most beautiful way possible that night. There were so many times he could’ve put a halt from anything to develop into something he’s always been afraid of. It was his own fault that he chose not to because he was selfish enough to want someone he knew he didn’t deserve.

 

Luhan should’ve known better than to wish for someone like Sehun to stay.

 

Luhan sighs. _It’s a shame,_ he thinks. Some may be able to accept who he is. But Sehun... He has his whole life ahead of him, he’s going places with the road ahead of him. So unlike the broken, muddled path Luhan struggles to walk on. They weren’t as similar as Luhan thought they were.

 

Sehun just wasn't who he thought he was.

 

No matter what, Oh Sehun will also be EXO’s Sen.

 

And Luhan will just be… Luhan. _A coward. A nobody._

 

Society will be more accepting to people who are like him. But to Luhan, it will never matter to the ones he needs them from the most--not even from himself.

 

•••

 

If Luhan’s daily routine dramatically changed the moment Oh Sehun came into his life, the change in the way Luhan spends his days and nights now that he’s out of his life is even worse.

 

Sehun has left a number of items in Luhan’s place. A few of his sweaters and long button-downs are still in his drawer. Sometimes Luhan even wears them to sleep as if the scent of his clothes and the softness of the fabric can replicate the man he’s been in withdrawal for (he’s restricting himself from doing that now though). There are still lychee jelly cups inside his fridge and the mostly black colored toiletries Sehun left are untouched in the bathroom and God forbid, even packets of condom and lube stashed at the back of his drawer.

 

It’s as if he’s going to drop by his apartment at any given time of the day.

 

Only that isn’t the situation, otherwise Sehun would’ve bothered to answer his calls and the note Sehun left Luhan wouldn’t be kept in his wallet knowing that it’s the last thing he’s going to get directly from Sehun. Luhan reads it at the most random times.

 

Just like now.

 

_i cooked some juk for you to eat. i put it inside the fridge just reheat it when you’re hungry._

_if your head hurts take the orange tablet every 4 hours. if your nose is stuffy, take the yellow pill every 8 hours. don’t stop until you finish all i put in the medicine box on the counter..._

_drink lots of water and don’t forget to eat. i know you skip meals a lot please don’t, okay? you’re already thin enough and you need to eat before taking your medicine._

_thank you for having me and i’m sorry._

_take care lu_

 

Luhan isn’t sure how many times he’s read the note Sehun left for him. He reads it while preparing to go to university and right after he takes the pills Sehun had given him before heading to bed. He used to read it during his commute and at work but he’s afraid he might lose the note if he brings it out of his wallet when he isn’t inside his apartment. Luhan’s lost count of how much he’s searched for even just a single detail he’s missed in hopes that the note doesn’t mean goodbye. But he’s already read in between the lines, and it’s unmistakable--the note has farewell written all over it.

 

_thank you for having me and i’m sorry._

_take care lu_

 

The last lines repeat in Luhan’s head like a broken recorder. Sehun has always been considerate. Even when he’s saying goodbye, he still has it in him to care for Luhan as if it’s of any help for the aftermath of him leaving. What’s the point of caring if he’s just going to leave?

 

 _But we were only a fling,_ Luhan thinks. It doesn’t matter if they ended the way they did. They’ve barely even lasted for three weeks. The two weeks they spent were happy but the last week of them being together was when they were already spiralling down knowing they weren’t going to work out. _It was nothing serious. It wasn’t supposed to be anything serious._

 

So it isn’t a big deal if one of them suddenly decides to cut it off. It just so happens that Sehun had to be the one to do it.

 

It’s the bitter pill Luhan has to swallow.

 

At this rate, Luhan’s going to be late for his ten o’clock class if he doesn’t stop staring at the note in his hand. He sighs, putting the note back in his wallet before throwing it inside his backpack.

 

The walk to the train station is mundane. Step by step he walks with the two earbuds stuck in his ears. Luhan’s deleted the EXO songs he’s downloaded and he’s back to listen to ambient pop and instrumental songs.

 

Two stops. Change lane. Three stops. Change lane. One stop. Climb up and out of the station and walk inside the university grounds and into his college building. It feels like deja vu but nothing is the same anymore.

 

He’s back to being the Luhan before Sehun came to his life.

 

“Good morning, Luhan-sunbae.” Seungwan greets as soon as Luhan’s entered the classroom. It feels like such a long time since Luhan last saw her which had been last week’s class when he unknowingly had to present a report he hadn’t been briefed about.

 

Luhan only manages a smile before taking the seat beside her. The group who’s about to present are setting up in front and Professor Kim is sitting at one of the seats in front.

 

Luhan scrambles through the items in his bag, looking for his notebinder to take notes. There aren’t much items inside his bag, just a change of clothes for work later, a pencil case he doesn’t even use anymore, cellphone, wallet, a nearly empty pack of Marlboro, lighter, and what is supposedly his notebinder which he can’t manage to locate. The reporters in front begins their report with the introduction and Luhan’s still going through his stuff. It really is nowhere to be found. He barely even takes it out from his bag.

 

“Hey can you tear a page out of your notepad for me?” Luhan asks Seungwan, looking at her who had been scribbling something on a jotter pad. “I need to write down some notes.”

 

Seungwan nods before tearing out a leaf and handing it to Luhan he whispers a _thanks_ before fishing a pen out of his bag. He pauses right before the tip of his pen lands on the paper’s surface. _It looks familiar._

 

Luhan scrunches his eyebrows together, the resemblance is uncanny. It’s unmistakable. Luhan lets go of the pen in his hand and sets it aside on the table. Luhan takes his wallet out from his bag and takes the note out of one of the pockets. He is not so fond of bringing it out in case he might lose it or someone else might read it but he just needs to check on something. _Yup. It's from the same kind of note pad._ Luhan puts it side-by-side the paper and noticed the contrast almost instantly.

 

The stationery Sehun had used is cut with about four inches of the paper cut off as opposed to the one Seungwan had given him.

 

“Did you get what she said?” Seungwan asks prompting Luhan to visibly tense and cover the note with his hand as swift as he can manage. Luckily enough, her eyes are stuck on her notepad to even notice. When Luhan has already relaxed, it is only then that Seungwan turns to look at him. “What their topic is?”

 

“I didn’t. Sorry.” he says, smiling. Seungwan just nods and asks for it from the other girl sitting beside her. Luhan slips the note back in his wallet and diverts his attention to the presentation in front.

 

•••

 

“I miss my Baby SenSen so much!” Baekhyun groans, playing with the boxes of condoms displayed once again at the counter. He has a pout resting upon his lips. Luhan arranges the bills inside of the cash register even if he doesn’t even need to just because he isn’t in the mood to pay attention to Baekhyun rambling if it’s just about Sehun. “SM has been hiding him for like a week now. I don’t understand!”

 

Luhan nods, unable to come up with a suitable reply. Baekhyun eyes him with the same look he had been giving him for a few days now. Luhan can tell Baekhyun’s been trying to lift his mood up without having to mention his sadness and ask why. Sometimes, he tries to pretend that it’s working when he intentionally lets out a laugh or two.

 

But mostly, Luhan keeps a straight face on, unable to show even just a sliver of emotion. He’s been struggling to pretend despite years of practice. If trying not to let out a tear or buckets of it is a struggle, then faking happiness is already out of the question.

 

“You need to trim your nails now, darling.” Baekhyun says instead, pulling Luhan’s hand in his to check out his too long fingernails, the excess part reaching half a centimeter already. It is an attempt to engage Luhan in a conversation and out of his disinterest.

 

But Luhan only nods, not even bothering to show that he understood what he just said before pulling his hand back from Baekhyun’s grip. It isn’t as if Luhan would tell him that he can’t just out of habit--well it is, or perhaps he can’t because raking his nails down his skin won’t feel the same with clean cut nails.

 

Baekhyun, having nothing to fiddle with his hands anymore, plays instead with the boxes of condoms displayed by the counter.

 

“Hmm… Pleasuremax Tingling?” Baekhyun says, grabbing the greenish box in his hand before inspecting the writings on it. “It has mint! Darling, Luhan! What does that feel like? Does it feel like being sticked with an Anytime mint candy in the ass?” The way he says it sounds like he’s a kid who’s found a new cool toy to be curious about.

 

“I’ve never tried it before.” Luhan says, looking down and busying himself with the cash register. He’s lying. Luhan’s actually tried it before. It felt like he was being impaled by a decongestant stick while being tickled at the same time. It reminded him of when his mother used to give him a Vicks inhaler to ease out his stuffed nose. The sensation lasted for a few seconds before he was too busy feeling the intrusion inside of him to even bother and notice if the tingling sensation stayed.

 

Baekhyun pokes Luhan’s cheek in response while his squinting his eyes, “I don’t-” _Poke._ “-believe you-” _Poke._ “-one bit!”

 

“Then believe what you want.” he says, swatting Baekhyun’s hand away from poking his face any further.

 

“Back to work, back to work!” Heechul reprimands, coming out from the back room with a sour mood set upon seeing Baekhyun. Luhan thanks his overly sassy boss internally. Baekhyun complies right before tickling Luhan’s chin and running off to the tables and chatting up with the schoolgirls who seem to drop by NiniMart just to ogle at the workers and chat up with ‘ _Baekhyun-oppa~’_ as they say.

 

“Kim Manager keeps asking us to work when he barely even works himself.” Jaehyun whispers at the side, startling Luhan. Jaehyun’s face is only a few inches away from his if he looks by just a bit. Luhan only musters up a grin and nods before continuing work.

 

Unlike what Luhan expected, work is just the same as before. If anything, he’s actually grown more comfortable now with the way Jaehyun is acting just the same as he did before he found out Luhan was gay and may or may not have a boyfriend. Luhan’s still wary of course, but there’s nothing he can do but hope Jaehyun won’t tell anyone else who works at NiniMart his secret.

 

Once Luhan’s done with work, Baekhyun has already left and NiniMart is noticeably quiet without his presence. Right after Luhan clocks out of work, he drops by behind the counter and rings himself up with a couple of items he needs to buy.

 

“That’s the second pack you’re buying this week, hyung.” Jaehyun comments, noticing one of Luhan’s purchases. He’s wrong, it’s actually the third. But Luhan doesn’t bother to correct.

 

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me hyung?” Luhan says instead, diverting the attention away from what he just bought. He shoves the pack of twenty’s inside his backpack right after inserting a bill and giving himself change.

 

“Why don’t you like being called hyung?”

 

“No reason.” Luhan says, not wanting to bother himself to explain. He pushes the drawer of the cash register back in and rips the receipt off from the machine. “I’ll be going now.”

 

“Goodbye, hyung!” Jaehyun says just as Luhan’s went out from behind the counter. “Have fun during the holidays!”

 

“I’ll be working too, though. On Monday and Tuesday, at least.” Luhan corrects, looking back at Jaehyun who always seemed as if to have a permanent smile plastered on his face.

 

“Well see you, then.”

 

“Won’t you be spending it with your family?” Luhan asks in mild shock. From what he knows, Jaehyun’s still in high school and even at his third year already. He doesn’t bother to ask why he doesn’t seem too busy with studying for exams unlike most of the stories he’s heard about the ruthlessness of college entrance exams. Jaehyun’s smile falters for a second.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to as well?” Jaehyun bites back. He’s got a point. But his family’s in Beijing, and save for his sick mother resting at their ancestral home, he doubts anyone else even cares if whether or not Luhan even bothers to think about going back home during the holidays.

 

“You’re still a kid.” Luhan reminds him. “Spend your holidays with your family.”

 

Jaehyun only smiles and waves a final goodbye, prompting Luhan to turn back around take the few steps out.

 

Once he’s outside of NiniMart, he starts the walk back to his apartment. And with the absence of anything to distract himself from his problematic mind, the thoughts come back to him in tidal waves. He closes his eyes before taking a deep breath. His neck feels as if it’s in a chokehold and there’s a need to find oxygen to fill his lungs.

 

Luhan takes the cigarettes he bought just a minute ago out of his bag, he opens it and takes one out before fishing a lighter out of the pocket of his backpack. With it, he lights up every single thought running in his mind and waits for it to be burned into ashes.

 

The street lamps take him in and out of darkness as he walks, it’s a quiet night and he watches as the smoke let out from his lips float up and fade. He closes his eyes and drowns himself in the buzz, hoping it would help take the heaviness he feels in his heart to go away.

 

But it doesn’t, he needs something stronger. He’ll have to deal with withdrawal again once he comes back to his apartment and be reminded of everything he tries so hard to avoid. But Luhan supposes that it’s okay, he hopes. It’s nothing unusual, he’d like to believe.

 

He’s not bad. He’s not miserable. It’s only normal for him to drink until he’s wasted and fall asleep in the tub with his body aching almost as bad as his heart. He no longer listens to Sehun’s voice and soon enough he won’t even be able to recognize it if he ever gets to hear it again. Sometimes, Luhan thinks that he doesn’t even remember the small details like the scar on his right cheek and mole on the left side of his chest.

 

Luhan’s moving on and it’s fine.  
 

•••

 

Joonmyun hasn’t missed even a single phone call to check up on Luhan.

 

“You know you don’t have to call me for this. I feel like I’m bothering you.” Luhan says, staring at the ceiling with his phone resting on his ear. “It’s just a cold now. I don’t have a fever anymore.”

 

“I want to…” Joonmyun says, Luhan can hear him shifting his position with the silence of his words and the soft rustle of the sheets heard in the background. “If you don’t mind.”

 

Luhan doesn’t say anything in response. Joonmyun’s timely phone calls take his mind off of Sehun even for just a few minutes so he supposes that it’s okay. Not like he minded anyway. Maybe finding new company is one way to fill in the whole Sehun has left in his life.

 

“Have you eaten all the juk I left the last time I was there?” Joonmyun asks, unwilling to end the conversation just yet. “It’s the one in the blue tupperware.”

 

“Blue tupperware?” Luhan furrows his eyebrows. As far as he remembers, the porridge Sehun had left for him had been in the blue tupperware. Luhan immediately stands up from his position on his bed and proceeds to the kitchen. Once he passes through the archway, he takes the few steps toward the fridge and opens it to see no blue tupperware. There’s a clear Lock & Lock lunch box filled with juk just behind where he used to put the blue tupperware which he thought had been what Sehun had left for him to eat.

 

“Luhan-sshi?” Joonmyun says, bringing Luhan back to earth.

 

“Yeah I’ve eaten it all up already.” Luhan says, feeling slightly dejected and dumb. How could he have mistaken which is which. He’s been eating the takeout Joonmyun bought with the one Sehun cooked.

 

“That’s good.”

 

There is a pause, and it’s as if the both of them already knew the phone call would end soon when Luhan says, “I have to go do something now. Thanks for calling.” and Luhan had been the one who hang up right after Joonmyun said his goodbye and goodnights.

 

Luhan takes out the lunch box and places it at the counter right after the call ended. He wonders if it’s gone bad already but when he lifted the lid up and put his nose near to smell, it doesn’t seem so. So he pops it inside the microwave oven and waits before taking it to the breakfast nook and scoops a good amount and forces himself to down the porridge down his throat anyway.

 

It doesn’t sit too well in his system, and disgustingly enough, he finds it hard to swallow so the food stays in his mouth longer than the average time. He still manages to finish until there’s barely even anything left inside the bowl though. Luhan downs a glass of water right after which makes him feel aware of how cold his stomach feels.

 

Luhan feels sickly, more than ever.

 

He goes back to his room and sat on top of his bed as the minutes pass. He can’t keep calm with the discomfort he feels in his stomach. Luhan stands up and changes position every once in awhile hoping the change would even help dissipate the sensation.

 

The room’s beginning to feel stuffy and breathing became a struggle. Luhan attempts to breathe through his mouth because doing so with his nose was no longer an option with how difficult he finds it inhale. His belly’s still out of control, and he can actually feel all that he’s eaten just swimming inside, ready to be expelled at any given time.

 

Luhan feels the bile rising up in his throat, he quickly runs to the bathroom and drops face down on the white porcelain as his stomach rejects the food and heaves through with the amount of vomit he’s ejecting.

 

Luhan isn’t sure when it stopped but he feels so spent. All that he can do was crawl to the side of the tub and rest his head on it. Luhan can’t help but think that his ulcer is back. It got better, just a few days after he met Sehun. But it wasn’t as bad as it is now even in the few weeks before he met Sehun. His stomach would hurt but it would not reach to a point that his body wouldn’t be able to take any food that stays in his stomach.

 

Luhan crawls and climbs inside of the tub. He runs the tap water on and washes his mouth with it before he lies down and stare at the white ceiling as he tries not to think of Sehun and fails. Even in his state, Luhan still had it in him to think about Sehun rather than his own condition.

 

_“You’re so thin.” Sehun would tell him. “But that’s alright. I’ll make sure not to let you skip meals now.”_

 

But Sehun isn’t here to remind him anymore, which must be the reason why his belly’s still churning. Luhan isn’t even sure if there’s even anything left inside that his system would reject. He hasn’t felt this empty in a while and he’s forgotten how much it hurt once he’s aware of just how much damage the linings of his stomach is under in.

 

Luhan clutches his belly as if doing so would alleviate the pain. His limbs hurt from nights spent in the tub, skin sore from several self-inflicted wounds as he raked at his skin with the searing temperature of the water hitting on the surface. His stomach is giving up on him, how many times has he even vomited ever since he found out Sehun had been hiding his identity from him?

 

The only reason Luhan even bothered to let Sehun take care of him had been just for Sehun’s sake. If asked, Luhan would always opt not to eat but for Sehun, he did. Now that he isn’t around anymore, with just a small tupperware of porridge to eat, Luhan knows he’ll be back to how he was before and he won’t care. How could he, when he knows that from everything that pains him at this moment, the organ encased beneath his ribcage is the one that bothers him the most? So much that he wishes for it to just be ripped off from his chest so he doesn’t have to feel anymore.

 

Luhan closes his eyes, curling himself up in a ball with the cold porcelain tub and waits for darkness to take him to an unconscious state. Even nothing feels better than his reality.

 

Luhan’s not moving on and it isn’t fine.

 

•••

 

_Luhan doesn’t know what he’s doing, or what he’s done just to get where he is now. He’s crossed the bridge and dropped off at the nearest point that he can before running to where the text message had told him to look for._

_-_

_Sehun is lying to you_

_He’s at jamwon hangang with a girl_

_an audi rs7 black by the parking lot near the bridge hes at the far end ill send you the plate# l8tr_

_-_

_Luhan has passed by the basketball court he’s first met Sehun and it brings so much memories he is not sure if he’d like to keep or erase from his mind. It depends if he happens to see Sehun in the next few minutes. Luhan stops, he’s more than about ten meters away but it’s unmistakable._

_Luhan sees Sehun clad in all-black, the usual face mask covering his face and baseball cap atop his head. A random passerby wouldn’t even suspect him to be EXO’s Sen but Luhan knew better. He’s leaning on the black vehicle just by the shotgun seat where the car window is open and if Luhan looks closely enough, he can see the long hair of the girl Sehun was with cascading down to her chest and covering her face._

_-_

_hes with a colleague damn sehuns got a type shes only a year younger than u guess maknae likes older_

_ur seeing it w ur own eyes rn amirite????? dont deny i knew u wud hop on da nearest cab when i sent u his location_

_Do u want me to tell u her name? Or perhaps you already know? She’s quite famous too even if she debuted old damn she’s gorgeous_

_must be why sehun is playing the 2 of u huh????_

_-_

_fuck off_

_-_

_just call him lu im just trying to look out 4 u_

_-_

_Luhan’s teeth begin to clatter and his whole body’s on the verge of convulsion with his shaky hands struggling to keep the phone steady on his ears and his knees’ about to give way. Maybe he’s underdressed, wearing Sehun’s oversized sweatshirt and a pair of old sweats when the temperature’s been dropping at an exponential rate as each day passed by. But he knows it’s the least of the reasons why._

_Luhan’s so scared._

_Luhan presses on a number to dial Sehun and waits. He notices Sehun fish something out from one of the jacket’s pockets--a phone, which he stares at for almost half a minute before deciding to pick up._

_“Hey.” Sehun says, and Luhan’s legs almost gives way with just the sound of his voice. For a moment, his front melts and he almost says that he misses him. But before he even has the chance to do so, he holds himself back and bites the words at the tip of his tongue._

_“Where are you?” Luhan asks, straight to the point. It comes out surprisingly proper, as if he isn’t about to fall apart in the next few minutes. Luhan can’t see anything save for Sehun’s figure who halts his movements when he heard Luhan’s question. He takes a quick look at his surroundings and it’s only fortunate that Luhan’s out of plain sight._

_“Why?” Sehun answers, once he’s done inspecting the vicinity. He has one arm wrapped around his abdomen, supporting his other arm holding the phone to his ear._

_“Can you come here please?” Luhan says. It comes out of his mouth without much thought and he regrets it the moment that he did because he’s well aware that he’s just setting himself up for disappointment._

_“I’m at SM Building.” Sehun says, voice calm. Luhan feels as though he’s been electrocuted for a millisecond. He’s lying, I asked him never to lie to me but he’s actually lying, Luhan thinks. “They’re not letting us go out in a few hours to practice. I’m sorry.”_

_“Oh. Okay then.” The tone in his voice is dejected. His lips are starting to quiver and soon enough it’ll waver too. He can’t even see Sehun clearly anymore with his eyes beginning to go hazy with the saline liquid collecting below his eyelids._

_Sehun is lying._

_Luhan takes a deep breathe before speaking. “Work hard, okay?” he says, voice breaking at the last syllable. He sees Sehun shift his movements once again._

_“Is something troubling you?” Sehun says, voice laced with something akin to worry but Luhan doubts. “I can try to--”_

_“No, no… don’t...” Luhan interrupts. The girl sticks her head full of honey blonde hair out of the car window. Even from a distance with his blurry eyes, Luhan knows she’s beautiful. He can’t compete.  “...just, nothing serious…”_

_Luhan hangs the call up and walks away._   



	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 19.4k words.
> 
> [list of warnings](https://docs.google.com/document/d/12p_fDh2zr9r011GtMaX9_6gaN6WRmigzklf6S4KY4a4/edit) that showed up thus far have been updated. oh and everything rn is unedited... sorry and i might start posting more frequently but with a lower word count i hope no one would mind haha.

_Luhan sees Sehun clad in all-black, the usual face mask covering his face and baseball cap atop his head. It’s night time but Luhan had no doubts that there was a woman sitting at the front seat._

 

_Luhan’s so scared._

 

_Luhan presses on a number to dial Sehun and waits._

 

_“Where are you?” Luhan asks, straight to the point. Sehun noticeably freezes at that before taking a quick look at his surroundings._

 

_“Why?” Sehun answers, once he’s done inspecting the vicinity._

 

_“Can you come here please?” Luhan says. He doesn’t remember what the next words that came out of his mouth for it went from one ear to another but Luhan is certain about one thing._

 

_Sehun is lying._

 

_There were more words exchanged between the two until Luhan’s had enough that he hangs the call up and walks away._

 

_“Luhan, wait…” Luhan turns around and sees Sehun standing before him with the most deceitful look plastered on his face. Sehun pushes Luhan down the grassy hill to the bed of rocks before he sinks down on the river._

 

***

 

It’s like being pulled out deep from below ground when Luhan wakes up. As if his body’s been submerged in water—and it was. The water spills from the side of the tub where the bathroom’s flooded with water on the floor tiles. The liquid sloshes even with the rise and fall of his chest as he chases his breath. The tap water is still on and the contents of the tub spill even more when he crawls the few feet away from the faucet to turn it off.

 

Luhan settles himself on the end of the tub, resting his cheek on the brim of the white porcelain. He chases for oxygen with bated breaths as he lets everything sink in. _It’s just a dream,_ he thinks. _A dream._ But it felt too real the be one that he was staring at the ceiling for a full five minutes before the tears come down in tidal waves. It’s even harder to breathe in such a state when his whole being refuses to process the current situation.

 

The dream wasn’t any less miserable than his reality. It only served as a reminder that perhaps he’s never going to get better. Luhan only has himself to blame because, why was he even thinking of Sehun in that way? It was Luhan’s fault as to why they’re in this situation. Sehun isn’t the one who’s full of deceit. It’s no one’s fault that Luhan’s unstable in so many levels. He wouldn’t blame Sehun for leaving him since he already knew that no one would be able to say with someone as wrecked as him—It was wrong for him to have been hopeful from the start.

 

There are a hundred of things Luhan misses about having Sehun around. Can’t they go back to being the way it was before? Luhan doesn’t even care if he has to pretend that he’s okay that Sehun hid his career from him knowing that it was inevitable for him to find out sooner or later. It wasn’t even _only_ that which was the problem. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so affected if Sehun wasn’t an idol. _It just had to be that._ Luhan’s willing to set aside all of his worries just so he can try to get the feeling of getting rid of all the burden he carries on his shoulders back. Maybe it won’t work but that’s the least of Luhan’s worries.

 

Luhan just wants Sehun to be back in his life.

 

Even if it doesn’t seem to be a credible option anymore. For once, why couldn’t he just be normal and let his mind rest from all his worries? Why can’t Luhan just stop being such a burden to everyone with his irrelevant feelings?

 

Luhan wraps his lithe body around his arms, his legs folded and his chin resting on his knees. The tub’s filled to the brim and he can hear the crisp sound of the water splashing and waving from his body to the side in gentle melodies from even just the slightest of movements.

 

Luhan’s soaked all over and his clothes were wearing him down and felt heavy on his body. It’s like the water was pulling him down to the bottom and it’s so easy—to inch himself lower and let himself sink deeper like how he had been before he woke up. He’ll just stop breathing within about seven minutes and that’ll be it.

 

_No. this isn’t right._

 

Luhan shakes his head and closes his eyes. _Stop_. He blinks his eyes open and crawls out of the tub with worn out limbs, exhausted from the the time he’s spent in such an uncomfortable position and lets himself rest on the white tiles for a few minutes to _think_. The night is so quiet and no sound enter his ears but the soft sound of his breath reminding him that he’s still alive. His heart’s beating just as loud and the underlying sound of the white noise helps him calm his senses down and his mind back to rationality.

 

It’s been four days without Sehun. He’s not bad. His life’s not that bad. One day, he will see Sehun’s face all over the streets and route he takes in his daily commute but by then he’ll only be stuck in his head as a beautiful memory of a time that went and go faster than he expected.

 

The thought won’t hurt him anymore.

 

He does not want Sehun to be a part of his scars. He wouldn’t let him have the power to hurt him the way all the other good things that came in his life have. So Luhan stands and holds himself up, blocking all thoughts of Sehun trying to drown him.

 

He dries himself with a towel and changes out of his soaked clothes. He takes one glance at himself on the full-length mirror at his walk-in closet. It’s dark and the only source of light had been from the open door of the bathroom. But even then, it was clear that what he’s been going through the past few days have taken a toll on his health. His eyes were tired, and the spaces that were meant to be filled with soft skin are even more hollow than they had been the last time.

 

 _“Aren’t you tired?”_ he asks himself through the mirror.

 

 _He is._ But his mind tells him that he’s okay. That this is normal and more than just fine, even if it isn’t. Luhan knows it himself. But he’s always been good at this, fooling everyone including himself. Clad in Sehun’s white shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants that he has left from a week ago perhaps, he steps out of the closet and into his bedroom. It still smells so much like him and Luhan isn’t so sure if the scent even exists or he just misses him too much. It’s no good to live in the past but it’s only been four days.

 

He’ll move on.

 

Luhan falls asleep with the churning his stomach worsening. He convinces himself that the pain doesn’t exist and it was enough for him to pass out as he tries so hard not to think about how everything’s going downhill and he knows it.

 

***

 

As soon as Luhan had arrived at Sehun’s penthouse that Friday evening, nearing two weeks since they met, Sehun smacked a peck on his lips and it was only supposed to be just that until Luhan went deeper. They stood for a minute with Luhan’s hands all over the other’s chest and Sehun’s hands on his bottom.

 

That was until Sehun pulled away and Luhan furrowed his eyebrows at the sudden interruption. Luhan had to soften up his expression because Sehun had an eye smile on his face. He seemed so much like an overgrown child as Sehun pulled Luhan to the kitchen where he lead Luhan to sit on the stool right beside the kitchen island where he heats up a pan of _jajangmyeon_ and prepares two bowls as he hummed cheerfully.

 

 _Not again,_ he thought.

 

“I’m not always hungry, you know.” Luhan stated. Every time they meet, Sehun would always have food and Luhan would have no choice but to eat. It was okay, he supposed. He wouldn’t have if Sehun wasn’t around anyway. “Like I almost never do. I’m saying this because I’ve gained weight since I started seeing you.”

 

“I’ve noticed.” Sehun said, as he puts the noodles on the bowls. He slides one bowl over to Luhan along with a cup filled with chopsticks. “That’s why I always bring food or make sure you eat when we’re together. You don’t even realize you need to eat unless I remind you to. _You’re too thin_.”

 

“Not like you aren’t.” Luhan retorted back, taking a pair from the cup though he doesn’t start eating. Sehun sat beside him and motioned Luhan to open his mouth when he had noodles wrapped around the chopsticks.

 

“Come on. Open up for me, baby.” Sehun said, with a playful tone in his voice.

 

Luhan rolled his eyes at that but he obliged anyway. “You’re only feeding me so I’d have more energy so then we could fuck longer.” he said as he chewed.

 

“Can’t deny that.” Sehun laughed. “But it’s not because of that though. I can live not having as much sex as we do now. I just _wanted_ to take care of you. That’s all.”

 

Luhan fought hard not to giggle at that even if it feels like he’s already melted into a puddle of goo on the floor if that was even possible.

 

“You’re gonna miss the sex though.” he said, and his voice sounded so bubbly that it was already painfully obvious that Sehun’s words affected him so much. He internally scolded himself to keep it together since he’s sure Sehun would say something similar in the next few minutes and hours. That’s just how he was—disposing sweet nothings so effortlessly.

 

“You said you were going to be more busy these days? What is it? Did you pass an audition or something?” Luhan said, trying to change the topic. Sehun tensed at that, as if he’d expected Luhan to ask though he was unprepared with what he would say. Luhan would be happy for him if he really did pass an audition.

 

“Yeah about that… _I’ll talk about that with you later._ ” They never really did talk about it later. Sehun put on a forced grin on his face diverting the topic back away from him. “And the sex? I’ll miss it. But I’ll miss you more, though. Not that I’ll ever get to miss you too much though. You know I’ll always be around even if I get busy. I won’t leave.”

 

Luhan paused, wondering if he should let his heart rest and trust in his words. Everyone who’s ever told Luhan the same words are now only memories he pushes at the back of his mind.

 

But Sehun felt so different, like he didn’t have to worry about anything because Sehun made things _easy_ for him. If Luhan didn’t want to talk about something, Sehun wouldn’t pry. If Luhan wanted to be touched, Sehun knew where to put his hands. If Luhan needed to take his mind off things that stressed him, Sehun would be there as a perfect reliever even if he didn’t even know it.

 

It was like Sehun is the one that he needed and came at the right time to pull him up from the deep abyss he’s dug himself in. Now he’s in it too deep—into Sehun, and he didn’t mind so long as Sehun would catch him. It wouldn’t take long before Luhan would let himself fall dangerously close as he titters off the edge. It was not right, to be feeling the way that he was then.

 

But Sehun just _felt_ so right.

 

The next words that Luhan let out from his lips had been what he’s been thinking of for almost a week when he realized that Sehun was someone he wanted in his life. After years of self-isolation from everyone else who weren’t willing to stay in his life during his darkest days. Minseok just felt so familiar that he deluded himself into thinking that if they’d ever be together, he wouldn’t leave him. But with Sehun… even if he had some doubts clouding in his mind, Luhan was almost certain with this feeling in his chest.

 

Luhan’s asked this question before, when they were huddled under the sheets of Sehun’s California king-sized bed a few days back. But Sehun was asleep then and Luhan still wanted an answer.

 

“If I tell you to leave, will you?” Luhan asked which made Sehun pause and set the chopsticks aside on the table as Luhan waited for his response.

 

That was the last time they met before Luhan was flipping through the channels of the television the next night and saw Oh Sehun in a black turtleneck—concealing all that they’ve done imprinted on his skin like a dirty little secret.

 

***

 

Luhan wakes up to the incessant ringing of the doorbell.

 

Luhan groans, quite not ready to wake up just yet. Today was the day before Chuseok, the first day of the holidays so he doesn’t have classes. He doesn’t have work either for the weekends so there really is no reason for him to get out of bed. The ringing stops and Luhan’s thankful for it as he was just about to let himself fall deeper into sleep—that is until he hears the beeping sound indicating that someone was punching in the numbers of the passcode lock.

 

There were only a number of people he can count on one hand who knew of his apartment passcode. There was Sehun and Luhan already crosses him out of the list of possible people since there no longer is a reason for him to do so even if Luhan secretly wishes he’d be the one who was trying to enter the apartment. Then there’s Zitao and he’s still in Qingdao visiting his parents so it obviously wouldn’t be him. There’s also someone in Shanghai who knew but it isn’t like he’s even around to visit—

 

 _“He’s coming back to Korea.”_ Zitao’s voice a few days back rings in his head prompting Luhan to get out of bed as quick as lightning.

 

_No._

 

Luhan almost stumbles as he sticks himself close to the wall where the door from his room to the living room was left unopened and he can take a peek outside by the door where he hears the footsteps of someone entering the unit.

 

Before Luhan could even process the situation, he was being tackled in a hug where they would’ve fallen if it hadn’t been for his quick reflexes to grip on the door frame before they fall out of balance.

 

“I missed you so much, Luhan-oppa!” Minnie—Minseok’s sister, says in greeting as her death grip on him tightens. Luhan’s _relieved_ , he forgot Minseok also knows the passcode to his apartment and that Minseok did invite him to spend some time during the Chuseok break for Minnie.

 

“I missed you too, Minnie.” Luhan laughs, patting his hand on her back, reciprocating the hug. Minseok was standing by the living room with a plastic bag, most likely to be food, in his hand. Minseok waves lightly at him when he catches his stare with a grin as he looks at the sight of his sister and Luhan with amusement. Luhan could only muster up a smile directed at him because Minnie’s clutch on him disabled him from his vocal chords to talk properly.

 

“Yah, Minnie! Let Luhan breath, will you?” Minseok reprimands, stepping closer to where they were.

 

“Just a few more seconds! I need this moment!” Minnie shouts and not long after she lets go of Luhan with both of her hands on his shoulders as she stares at his face with this starstruck look. Luhan could only smile. “Gosh, oppa! I’ve forgotten how handsome you look. I missed you so much!”

 

Minnie’s smile falters after a few seconds before she says, “But are you okay? Your lips look pale.” with a worried tone.

 

“I’ve been sick the past few days.” Luhan says, which is partially the truth anyway.

 

“You seriously need a boyfriend these days. You need someone to take care of you. You always get sick too.” Minnie says, cooing at him. If only she knew… _or not._ Not like it would matter anymore. “Don’t wait for Minseok-oppa anymore. He’s just going to hurt you.”

 

Luhan only gives her a small smile. But I’m not waiting for him anymore, he thinks. He knows it himself, that he’s already forgotten about his feelings for Minseok not long after Sehun. But this isn’t the time to think about Sehun so he pushes all those thoughts at the back of his mind and makes himself grin wider to seem more convincing.

 

“Yah. What is this slander? I’m your _brother_.” Minseok scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest and faking a growl.

 

“I like Luhan-oppa more than you. Can’t it just be me that you’d like, oppa? I look just like Minseok-oppa only with long hair!” Minnie giggles at herself. “I’m kidding—or not if you ever consider. Anyway, we brought you mooncakes!”

 

Minseok settles all the food on the breakfast nook and Luhan isn’t looking forward to eating at all. Luhan even tried to excuse himself from eating by saying that he already ate even if it was so obvious that he just woke up when the both of them entered the apartment. Minseok didn’t have any of it and added even more noodles and pieces of _songpyeon_ on his plate.

 

As it had been for the past few days, eating was a struggle and when Luhan was just about done, he could feel the bile rising up his throat that he couldn’t excuse himself properly before he runs to the powder room and empties his system. He could hear Minnie’s panicked voice of worry and the footsteps that resembled Minseok’s grow louder until the door opens and Minseok catches the sight of Luhan retching face down on the bowl of the water closet, one arm pushing the contents of his stomach out and make the discomfort go away.

 

He spills once again and Minseok crouches down to his level and runs his hand on Luhan’s back in comfort. It’s humiliating, but Minseok’s seen him in worse situations. This was nothing new. Once Luhan was done, and was beginning to catch his breath with closed eyes as his stomach starts to feel at ease.

 

“Luhan…” Minseok starts. Luhan could only avoid him from his line of vision to save face. “You’re starving yourself again…”

 

The way Minseok says it was as if he’s so sure of it. It didn’t even come out as a question or had doubts. He would know of course. This has happened before, several times even. It’s one of Luhan’s bad habits he couldn’t break. He’s had it for so long that it was as if even Luhan himself doesn’t want to get rid off it.

 

“I’ve never starved myself, Minseok…” Luhan is quick to defend himself. Denial gets him nowhere most especially when he’s fooled even himself. But he really didn’t mean to, he’s just always been careless when it comes to taking care of himself.

 

“Luhan… you…” Minseok’s all out of words. Maybe it was because he’s all out of words because this has happened too many times that he isn’t even sure what to say that will actually make Luhan cut it out. “Did anything happen?”

 

Luhan contemplates if he should tell him the whole story, excluding Sehun’s name. But he decides against it. _I’ll tell him another day._

 

“I just… I just don’t get hungry. I couldn’t tell if I needed to eat already so I didn’t… so that’s why…” Luhan says, struggling to talk about it, his head started feeling too light and Minseok helps him up and turns the faucet on so he could clean the taste off his mouth.

 

“Luhan isn’t feeling well…” Minseok says as soon as they get back to the kitchen. Minnie’s face is knitted back with a worried look.

 

“I guess you need to rest then…” she says, standing up from her seat and go to where Luhan and Minseok were.

 

“No.” Luhan quickly says. He’d rather have company at a time like this. “You guys don’t have to leave.”

 

“Are you sure?” Minseok asks, and Luhan only smiles like he usually does. It was enough to convince the two of them and Minnie just smiles and asks what they should do next.

 

They decided to settle themselves on the L-shaped couch and played FIFA 2014 on the playstation Luhan barely even uses anymore. At some point, Luhan seemed so disinterested in the game that Minseok took over and Luhan watched the siblings play as they talk. Minnie talked being in an all-women’s college and Minseok talked about quirky stories about his barista job at Sonagi.

 

It is hours later when Minseok and Minnie had to leave because they were going to spend the rest of the holidays at Jeju where their parents were currently residing at.

 

“We’ll be leaving for Jeju later in the evening.” Minnie says, when they were by the door and she was just about done hugging Luhan in the most gentle way now that she knows he isn’t feeling well.. “We’ll make sure to bring you back something. Enjoy rest of the holiday, oppa!”

 

Before closing the door, Minseok pulls him Luhan in for a hug. It felt so platonic and maybe this was enough to let himself rest from all that he’s been troubling himself with for a moment.

 

“You know I’m always here for you, you know? Minnie too… we’re only two floors away.” Minseok reassures him. He always knows what to say to make Luhan feel like everything was okay even when things aren’t. _“You’re family.”_

 

***

 

Luhan wasn’t so sure what a family is anymore when he first moved out of his home in Beijing to study music in Seoul seven years ago.

 

It wasn’t his only motive, of course. He wanted to get into an entertainment company as well and hopefully find his place in the industry. He would’ve wanted to do so back in China but he knew it was impossible when it felt like he was being choked in the neck whenever he’s at home and he couldn’t be at ease anymore when he left the _only person_ who’s ever felt like home to him.

 

In the first place, it was selfish of him to do so. His father had been against it right from the start without even letting Luhan explain. He talked of the family business and filial duties of being _the only son_. (“Don’t you think you’ve disappointed me enough, son? This is nonsense.”)

 

But his mother convinced him to let Luhan do what he wanted. It went on for months before he had agreed with reluctance. Luhan wasn’t even sure what made him agree, maybe it had been something his mother had said behind closed doors. He could only be thankful then because it felt like the tight grip he had on his neck was loosened and he could finally breathe again.

 

Luhan didn’t think of his family, or the business, or his duties as the only son. He just wanted to leave. He’d miss his mother, who had been becoming more prone to sickness as the days passed by—always needing to take a few pills every now and then, always needing care and attention, most especially from her only son’s presence as some sort of strength.

 

Luhan didn’t think of all that. Not even his being up in the air for around thirty-five thousand feet for two hours fazed him. It was just one big step he had to take and he would be free. Nothing else mattered to him but having to escape and start a new life—and he shouldn’t have thought that way. He shouldn’t have been so optimistic.

 

Otherwise, he wouldn’t be so torn on deciding if he regrets any of the decisions he’s made. But then he remembers, whatever path he’s chosen to follow doesn’t matter because his fate is inevitable. In the end, he won’t have any choices left but the one where he is now.

 

He’s met people, some he’s considered family, and lost them. _Even those he never thought would leave and left him to pick up the pieces on his own._

 

But it’s fine.

 

Luhan doesn’t have a home to come home too whenever the holidays are around the corner. But it’s fine, because there were still people who he can consider family, those who will stay as long as he keeps his distance and not let himself share another piece of his jagged up heart. There’s Zitao who he’s spent several holidays with whenever he doesn’t go back to China. There’s Minseok and Minnie, who he’s known ever since he moved here in the early years when he couldn’t even speak the language or know his way around the city. Then there’s Baekhyun who fills in the spaces of silence in mundane university days.

 

And when none of them are around because they actually do have families to come home to or other businesses to deal with other than tending to someone like Luhan who had too many issues in life and too little people to help him go through with it, he spends it in isolation inside his home. He lies awake with the liquor in his system and cigarettes trashed on the bathroom. He spends it outside with fairweather friends that haven’t been around in the past few years or one-night stands he used to have just so he’d be able to imagine some things in his life he knows he could no longer have.

 

There are those who he’s considered family but are no longer in his life due to several reasons.

 

Sehun is just another person he’s met and lost. Nothing he isn’t used to. _Nothing serious._

 

***

 

Luhan spends the rest of the day on his bed.

 

He’s managed to fall asleep during the day and woke up in the evening. He’s trying hard to put on an indifferent front even if there was no one around and he can go ahead and drown himself in his own misery. _But no._ He’s tired, even his brain could not handle another breakdown. That’s why he pulled out a pack of cigarettes from the bottom drawer of his bedside table, to help keep his mind afloat. He lights them all up one by one by the open window as he stares at the harvest moon in its enthralling beauty.

 

The longer he stares, the more it felt like the moon was his only companion for the night.

 

He’s so lonely.

 

Luhan’s phone rings right at that moment, like the gods have heard his thoughts and this was their response. So he stubs the cigarette out on the ashtray before he grabs his phone on top of the bedside drawer. He settles himself on the bed and reads the Caller ID.

 

_Joonmyun._

 

Luhan picks up.

 

“Hello? How have you been Luhan-sshi?” Joonmyun starts. “Have you taken your medicine?”

 

As he always had, Luhan would only respond with one-liners and kept his words to a minimum. Joonmyun didn’t take it as a sign of disinterest and asked if he had time to spare and Luhan said that he does. He didn’t have anything else planned in the day save for and so he began talking about the most mundane of things with Luhan sharing his thoughts every few minutes or so.

 

“Aren’t you at home right now with your family?” Luhan asks when it seemed like Joonmyun was already out of stories to tell. As much as he wanted company even if it’s just through a phone call for the next days to come. Ever since Joonmyun confessed, he’s never missed the opportunity to call him at least twice a day to just talk.

 

Luhan wouldn’t talk much but he sees to it to make sure Joonmyun doesn’t feel unwelcome. The company makes pretending that the void he feels in his chest doesn’t exist become easier, at least. But Joonmyun has a family he went home to, Luhan can’t eat up too much of his time.

 

“You should spend it with them. Don’t waste your time with me.” Luhan says, closing his eyes and rolling his head to the side, letting the phone rest on his ear hands-free.

 

“I don’t think talking to you is a waste of time.” Joonmyun defends. “And I’m also working on a project for a class. I have to translate everything in English because one of our members is foreign. Do you know her? Her name is France… _But she isn’t French_.” Joonmyun laughs at his own joke, like he’s been waiting for the opportunity to crack it for so long. Luhan decides to muse him with a forced laugh. _For his effort, at least._

 

“I don’t think I’ve shared a class with her before.” Luhan says, his eyes beginning to feel droopy.

 

“Well she’s nice. You two might get along because you’re both foreign.”

 

Luhan asks, “Is Baekhyun asking you to make me meet new friends?” He wouldn’t put it pass Baekhyun. It seemed like something he would’ve done.

 

“No. I just think you might want to meet new people who you can _trust_. That’s all.” Joonmyun says, making Luhan wince at a thought that crossed his mind. Luhan couldn’t help but think the context of Joonmyun’s words stemmed from the previous _incident_ three years ago.

 

“Well I actually wanted to head off to bed already.” Luhan admits, feeling a yawn come out from his mouth.

 

“Oh. Okay. Well, goodnight Luhan.” Joonmyun says, his voice sounded so sweet Luhan could hear the smile Joonmyun must’ve had on his face as he cooed.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Luhan had been first to hang up. He stands up from the bed and heads to the bathroom to prepare for bed. He changes back to a pair of shorts and another of Sehun’s flannel shirt he’s left behind on his drawer. He heads to the window for one last time and stares at the full moon.

 

It’s quiet again. _So lonely._

 

The thought of Sehun crosses his mind for a split-second before Luhan shoots it down. He has to practice not thinking of him even more in the next days. It’s the only way to cope even if he isn’t doing a good job at it most of the time.

 

Luhan heads to bed and closes his eyes. He’ll try again even harder tomorrow, he didn’t think too much of Sehun and he wonders if he’s only being denial or momentarily tired of the situation. He doesn’t pry on the thought too much before he falls asleep.

 

When Luhan wakes up the next day, he searches with his hand on top of the bed with his eyes closed to locate his phone as soon as he felt consciousness creeping up at him. It’s like a routine. Whenever Luhan would wake up, his first instinct would usually be to send a message or call Sehun. Of course, Sehun wouldn’t reply, and he never has. But Luhan still tries anyway. He presses on the call button on Sehun’s contact and waits as he rests the phone on one ear. He’s already grown accustomed to the sound of the dial tone that the sound almost felt like it was lulling him back to sleep.

 

The ringing gets replaced with white noise indicating that the other line picked up—and Luhan doesn’t believe it. He flicks his eyes open and brings the screen of the phone to look at and he sees a photo of Sehun the man himself has taken as his contact with the caller ID reading _Sehun_ on top.

 

Sehun picked up.

 

_Fuck._

 

“Hello?” Luhan begins, unsure of what to say. There were tears lining down the bottom of his lids though no other thoughts enter his mind due to shock.

 

“Who is this?” Luhan jolts at the sound of the voice— _a woman’s voice_. Luhan looks at the screen of his phone and it was unmistakable that it was really Sehun’s number that he had called.

 

“Is Sehun there?” Luhan asks, choosing to ignore all his suspicions for now.

 

But before he could even get a response, the person on the other line disconnects and Luhan’s left with the phone on his ear. Luhan then stares at the ceiling, wondering what just happened.

 

***

 

It takes Luhan minutes before he checks his phone once again if he really did dial Sehun’s number even if he’s checked it twice when he called the first time. There was no doubt that it was Sehun’s number and someone picked it up albeit someone who isn’t Sehun but rather a _woman_ that Luhan couldn’t identify.

 

He tries dialing the number again and it rings the first few times until it became unavailable and it won’t ring even once before it gets cut off. _It’s strange_. Luhan doesn’t want to jump to conclusions because it really is none of his business. But the first thing the woman asked was who he was, it could possibly mean that perhaps Sehun already deleted his number so the Caller ID showed an unknown number. Then when Luhan asked for Sehun, she hanged up on him. _It doesn’t make sense_.

 

It’s only ten A.M. in the morning and Luhan doesn’t have the energy to wreck his mind with unwanted thoughts. Despite that, he couldn’t stop himself from looking Sehun up on the internet. Nothing else shows up but a number of fan accounts and photos from him filming _Home of Friends_. He seemed okay, as far as Luhan’s observed. It’s like Luhan’s absence isn’t affecting him at all.

 

Maybe Luhan shouldn’t have looked him up online.

 

There are a few photos of Sehun standing, eating, sitting down and talking, smiling, _laughing,_ being more than okay. What else was Luhan expecting? He left on his own will. _Of course,_ it wouldn’t be the same for him as it had been for Luhan. He can already feel the tears welling up on his eyelids but sucks it up, thinking it would be of no use.

 

One even mentioned Sehun changing his hair to a shade of silvery blond just hours ago though no photo is attached. Luhan couldn’t imagine it and he wonders if it’s because he hasn’t seen him for so long.

 

It’s been almost a week.

 

Luhan stands up and heads on over to the kitchen and grab a piece of bread just to fill his empty stomach so he’d be able to take his meds. He takes the pill box on the counter and checks the contents. The pill box is becoming empty, just one more day and there will no longer be any pills that Sehun has packed for him to swallow.

 

Luhan thinks about the past week, how destructive he’s been and how all the issues he has with himself became worse after forgetting about them since Sehun came to his life. He thinks of Sehun who had a drama to film, group activities to attend, and possibly thousands of fans he can’t afford to disappoint. Sehun is living _his_ dream. Luhan has no right to interfere, most especially when they’ve gone this far to make sure it’s okay. Sehun is still happy without him. Luhan was… staying afloat even before he met Sehun. _He’ll be fine._

 

After Luhan’s done taking all the pills Sehun has left, maybe it’s time for him to swallow the bitter pill of reality and consider moving on. Sehun looked okay. Luhan should be too.

 

***

 

Luhan spent the rest of his Sunday on the bed with the occasional moments he flips through his phone for any remnant he has left of Sehun or reading the last note Sehun has left over and over again even if he’s memorized it already in his mind. He doesn’t shed tears, instead he slept it off.

 

It’s Monday again and Luhan’s shift at NiniMart is on at twelve in the afternoon.

 

There isn’t anything better to do, so Luhan might as well work extra hours for additional pay since the store’s running short on employees because of the holidays. Not a lot of people drop by save for the one or two people who come in once in awhile to buy instant ramen.

 

Business is slow. Luhan is manning the counter and Jaehyun’s probably at the back room messing around with his phone. Manager Kim’s probably yelling at him to go back to work because he doesn’t have anything else to do even if there isn’t any work to do but to clean up any of the customer’s mess every once in awhile.

 

It’s quiet and Luhan intentionally taps his fingernails on the counter just so sound would enter his ears. Luhan sort of wishes Baekhyun would be around to fill in the silence of the room. Heechul’s turned the radio off earlier and he’d rather not turn it on just so he’d be reprimanded since his manager is itching to do actual work even if it’s just telling off either him or Jaehyun who are the only ones on shift other than him.

 

So it was already a given that when an exceptionally loud customer enters the store, it doesn’t take much for the voice to be heard all over the small enclosure. Said customer enters three hours into Luhan playing sudoku that Jaehyun was making him figure out before he goes back to the storage room to “count how many yogurt drinks they have in stock for the nth time” because Heechul was making him to. He wasn’t easy to miss either, the cap tugged low, nearly concealing his eyes did no good at making him seem discreet with his tall stature. It’s like Luhan’s seen him before but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

 

Luhan had to close the book and go back to tapping his nails on the counter as he waits for the customer to finish picking up his items so he can ring them up and go back to solving the puzzle.

 

"Buy him chocolate milk to cheer him up?" his voice reverberates even when he was by the refrigerated drinks section at the far end. "You're treating him like a child, hyung."

 

"But hyung, chocolate milk can't heal his whiny ass." he whines, it was not of Luhan’s intention to eavesdrop. But it wasn’t as if he could avoid himself from hearing the conversation considering the proximity.

 

“It’s not my fault he’s being dumb and I’m also not the one who’s being locked because he was careless—Oh! They have the lychee jelly cups Sehun likes so much.”

 

Luhan tenses at the mention of the name. Sehun is a common name. There’s no reason for him to get so worked up. But he turns to look at the only customer inside the shop who was putting several packs of lychee jelly cups that the Sehun, Luhan knew liked. _It’s just a coincidence,_ Luhan thinks.

 

“I already am. Don’t you have any trust in me at least? I’m hurt.” he tells the other person on the line. "He—She wasn't there. Must've went home for the holidays."

 

"Yeah I’m going to meet them over dinner later.” he says, dropping a few Peperos that came with EXO stickers. “I’m not nervous.”

 

The customer turns his head to the side, and Luhan could see his face more clearly. That’s when it hit him.

 

Kai. Jongin.

 

_Oh._

 

“Yah, Kyungsoo-hyung! I’m not—Hyung?”

 

The customer, that Luhan now knows to be Kim Jongin, is looking at his phone as he mumbles at himself before he walks toward the cashier. _Fuck._ Luhan should hide. Jaehyun could go cover for him and he’ll hide at the back room until—

 

“I’ll have them bagged. Please.” Jongin says, before he laid the basket on top of the counter and taking his wallet out of his pocket. It doesn’t seem like he recognizes Luhan, so he takes the items out of the basket to start checking them out.

 

"Oh!" Jongin exclaims, making him stop at taking the items out of the basket. "Lu... Luhan? Are you Luhan?"

 

_Fuck._

 

Luhan shakes his head before he looks down and continues to take the items out.

 

"Your name tag says Luhan." Jongin hums. "I can’t believe this. You’re here!”

 

“You must’ve mistaken me for someone else." Luhan says, starting to check out the items as fast as he could. He curses inwardly, knowing it will take a while since Jongin bought a _lot._

 

"No. You're definitely Luhan. You look like that guy on Sehun's wallpaper. Definitely you. I’m Jongin. I talked to you on the phone twice already.” Jongin introduces himself, flashing a kilowatt grin. Luhan could only nod, feigning disinterest even when he’s thinking of ways to escape the situation. "I'll call you hyung. I'm not ill-mannered like Sehun."

 

"Don't call me hyung." Luhan reprimands.

 

"What are you to Sehun?"

 

"A friend. His _hyung_." Luhan says, he isn’t sure why he felt the need to add the last part. Sure, he’s older than Sehun for a full four years, but he’s anything but Sehun’s hyung if he were to be honest.

 

"Oh! Don't lie. That isn't what Sehun's been telling me." Jongin’s laugh is boisterous. "But you don't like being called hyung, right? But you just said you're Sehun's hyung? Oh!" Jongin points at him with his lips shaped like a circle as if he’s hit the jackpot with what he just realized. "He must be special, right? If you let him call you hyung."

 

Sehun doesn't even call him hyung.

 

“I’m right, right?” Jongin claps to himself as if in victory. “Can I have your number?”

 

Luhan furrows his eyebrows at the question.

 

“It’s for Sehun.” Jongin explains. Why would Sehun need his number? He already has it. Luhan’s been trying to reach him for a week. It’s impossible that he doesn’t have it even if he’s deleted it. There was only one other possibility as to why Jongin is here and it pops up in his mind as the only thing making sense.

 

“Oh. He left some stuff at my place, does he want you to get it from me?” Luhan asks, nodding to himself. Of course. Sehun couldn’t do it himself, so he has to find someone else to do so.

 

“What?” Jongin sputters.

 

“He took his stuff back but he left some clothes at my place. I can give it back if he wants it.”

 

“That’s not it…”

 

“Then what is it?” Luhan’s checked out the last of Jongin’s items and started bagging them.

 

“Sehun hasn’t… why would he when…” Jongin looks down at his phone and scrolls as if in a state of confusion before he looks up, his expression still unsure. But even then he starts talking again. "Oh wait… yeah, I actually came to get the stuff that he left. So I need your number.”

 

“Haven’t you already called my number like a week ago?”

 

“I already cleared my call logs! Can’t I just get your number?” Jongin resembled a kick puppy before he purses his lips. “Look. I’m trying to help you here.”

 

“I don’t—”

 

“And there’s no one else who can because I’m the only one who knows about you among the members— _like_ _actual you._ ” Jongin pauses to breathe before speaking once again. “Everyone else who knows thinks Sehun’s got a girlfriend. But obviously, you’re not a girl—which I figured just a few days ago. I just want to help. I’m trying not to get you exposed.”

 

“I’m not his boyfriend.” Luhan asserts, making sure he would get it. “I don’t—”

 

“Hyung, you look sick." Jongin interrupts. Luhan groans internally, he keeps getting cut off when he’s speaking.

 

“I’m not.”

 

“No, really. Your lips are white… you look pale.” Jongin leans in much too close for comfort that Luhan had to step back. He mumbles to himself then he takes a few steps towards the packed lunch boxes in the store, and grabs a dosirak before he goes back to the counter and makes Luhan check it out.

 

“What time do you get off work?” Luhan doesn’t respond. “I’m guessing that you haven’t eaten lunch yet? Eat it, hyung.” Jongin smiles, leaving the lunchbox in front of him before he takes the black plastic bags and steps out of NiniMart.

 

Luhan stares at the lunchbox, then outside where he could still see Jongin through the floor-to-ceiling windows, tapping on his phone before he walks further and out of his line of vision. He’s left to wonder what the encounter was supposed to mean before the bell hanging on the door rings, and another customer steps inside. Luhan goes back to work.

 

***

 

Luhan tried to eat the contents of the dosirak minutes later when he asks Jaehyun to man the counter for him for a few minutes. But he couldn’t even get to eat half of it before he decided to give the rest to Jaehyun, who didn’t mind since he hasn’t eaten anything since he came on shift.

 

It’s ten in the evening when Luhan clocks out of work and steps out of the convenience store. He takes a few steps to turn at the alley back to his apartment—and _Oh,_ it’s drizzling. Luhan stops on his tracks and looks up. He can feel the pace of the droplets hitting on his skin growing at an exponential rate. It doesn’t even take a minute before it turned into a downpour and Luhan snaps out of his reverie to unzip his bag and retrieve his umbrella.

 

Luhan rummages through his things and a piece of paper drops while he takes the umbrella out. He crouches down to retrieve it and _fuck_ —it’s Sehun’s note. He must’ve forgotten to return it back in his wallet in the morning before he left for work.

 

His hands were swift yet careful when he retrieves it on the small puddle it landed on, the paper sags in his fingers and he puts it inside his bag in hopes it won’t be too damaged by the time he gets back to his apartment to dry it.

 

 _It’s just a piece of paper,_ he convinces himself.

 

By the time, Luhan steps inside the lobby of his apartment building. He fishes out the note from inside his bag and unravels it with gentle fingers. The ink bled and what’s left are only illegible letters Luhan wouldn’t even be able to recognize if he hadn’t memorized the contents of the letter to heart.

 

_i cooked some juk for you to eat. i put it inside the fridge just reheat it when you’re hungry._

 

_if your head hurts take the orange tablet every 4 hours. if your nose is stuffy, take the yellow pill every 8 hours. don’t stop until you finish all i put in the medicine box on the counter…_

 

_drink lots of water and don’t forget to eat. i know you skip meals a lot please don’t, okay? you’re already thin enough and you need to eat before taking your medicine._

 

He reads it all over again even when he steps inside the elevator, not minding the looks the other people inside the compartment gave him. He must look like a wreck with his bloodshot eyes, uneven breathing, and wet state.

 

Once he reaches the seventh floor he steps out and walks until he’s in front of his door and his legs couldn’t take it anymore so he sits down and stares at one of the few things he has left to remember Sehun by, completely destroyed. It’s like the world was telling him that it was time to stop holding on to the hope that maybe Sehun would come back.

 

_thank you for having me and i’m sorry._

 

_take care lu_

 

The tears come down in tidal waves to join with his already rain-soaked face and he bites the bottom of his quivering lips. How many times does he have to break down over the same thing all over again? Why does he never learn? _It’s tiring_. Luhan keeps thinking about how exhausted he is of living this way. But here he is, back resting on his door as he stares at the now blurry blocks of hanggul with Sehun’s untidy penmanship.

 

Then he remembers just about a week ago, when everything wasn’t as bad as it is now. He hopes it could be like that again. He closes his eyes and waits for the door to open and he’d fall on his back only to see Sehun and the fall won’t be that painful anymore. But that isn’t possible because Sehun isn’t around anymore.

 

Luhan presses his passcode at a slow pace, his head hung low as if he’s forgotten the combination. _Three,_ he enters. Another ten seconds pass before he presses _two_ and _six._ It’s like he’s waiting for something to happen before he presses on _seven_ and it beeps, allowing him to step inside. Luhan slips out of his shoes and nudges it at the side with his head still down. He fixes the strap of the backpack behind him before he looks up and unconsciously holds onto the doorframe at the sight.

 

_Fuck._

 

There on the couch, sat the man he’s been trying to reach for a week, and he’s looking straight at him as if he’s one to be dumbfounded.

 

Sehun.

 

His hair’s changed to a dirty shade of silver blond like Luhan’s read yesterday when he was looking him up. The usual baseball cap and face mask was resting on the coffee table in front and seeing it there makes it feel like he wasn’t dreaming.

 

Luhan stares right back at him and blinks. He clenches his fist, not realizing that the note’s even more damaged beyond repair than it had been as it crumples and he could feel the sting from his fingernails digging on his palm, reassuring him that he’s awake.

 

Sehun stands up. But instead of making his way to Luhan, he enters the bedroom, leaving him alone at the living room with the door still hanging open. Luhan closes the door and slips out of his socks. He’s shivering and his teeth were clattering and he doubts being soaked under the rain was the only reason why.

 

Maybe he went to get back his stuff. Jongin did _sort-of_ give him a heads-up earlier. But then Sehun emerges out from his bedroom door with a towel and Luhan takes a step back upon instinct and his back hits on the door. _Dumb_.

 

Sehun starts by patting the towel on his face and the contact makes his clenched fist soften. The note drops on the floor as he stares at Sehun’s face. Their eyes don’t meet but Luhan could feel his concentrated gaze drying each and every part of his face down to his neck. _He’s missed this_.

 

_What are you doing, Oh Sehun?_

 

Luhan looks away, unable to handle the look Sehun had on his face and he stares blankly forward. Sehun dries Luhan’s hair once he’s done with his face, and he ruffles it gently with the towel in his hand. Luhan’s frozen in place, unable to make even the slightest of movement. He didn’t even realize he was holding his breath until he tried to speak or mutter a question of what was Sehun doing until he tried to but no words come out of his mouth.

 

Sehun continues to dry him down to his arms before the silence gets broken.

 

“Do you want coffee?” Sehun asks. Luhan could only nod, mind not capable of registering the words.

 

“Change out of your wet clothes first. I’ve put clean ones on top of the bed.” he says, placing the towel in Luhan’s hand before he turns his back to enter under the archway to the kitchen.

 

Luhan walks to the bedroom and sits down on the floor as soon as he’s locked the door to think. Sehun is actually here, after a week of Luhan endlessly sending unanswered messages and ignored calls except for that one time someone did pick up, only it wasn’t Sehun who did. He doesn’t know what to feel or how to react. His body was paralyzed and all his senses had gone haywire earlier. How could one person have that much of an effect on him?

 

He stands up after a few minutes and strips himself off his clothes and he dries the rest of his body before his eyes land on the clothes Sehun left for him to wear.

 

Sehun left a shirt— _his_ shirt that isn’t Luhan’s and a pair of sweatpants.

 

_What was Sehun trying to do?_

 

“Luhan?” Sehun knocks on the door making Luhan jolt and snap back to reality. “I’m done making coffee. Come out once you’re done changing.”

 

Luhan changes in the clothes Sehun left for him and even if he can feel his heart pounding its way out of his chest, he steps out of the bedroom and into the living room where Sehun was waiting with two cups of coffee on the table. No words are exchanged even when they were looking to each other’s eyes, there isn’t anything Luhan could draw out of it before Sehun motioned him to come closer.

 

Luhan does until he’s in front of Sehun, who then lies down on the couch and taps the empty space beside it as if inviting him to cuddle. It’s like they weren’t fighting or that they weren’t over.

 

This isn’t right.

 

But it was as if Luhan was being drawn by a magnet when he obliges and lets himself rest in Sehun’s arms.

 

Their limbs were tangled together on the large L-shaped couch as they lie down. Sehun wound Luhan’s arm on his stomach with his own around his dainty shoulders. The side of Luhan’s face is resting on Sehun’s chest and it’s so odd that they’re in this position as if they’re on good terms as of the moment.

 

Luhan wishes he’d gotten drunk before he came back to his apartment. He’s only thankful that they weren’t seeing eye-to-eye, otherwise Luhan isn’t sure if he’s going to be able to handle Sehun’s expressions when his senses are on an overdrive.

 

“Are you okay? You’re okay, right?” Sehun begins to talk. "Jongin sent me a picture of you from earlier… You looked really sick. Are you still sick? You’ve gotten thinner too…”

 

_Why was Sehun acting like he cares?_

 

“You promised we’d talk later… I even said I’ll see you later…” Sehun says, possibly referring to that time they were at the basement parking lot that morning they came back from the Han River. “But then… why haven’t we talked about it?”

 

“It’s because you left…” Luhan says, finally finding his voice even if it trembles. Tears begin to collect under his eyes as he bites it back. But it was of no use, because just by being in Sehun’s presence, _his touch,_ was enough to let them fall.

 

Why is Luhan so weak when it comes to Sehun?

 

 _“I never did…”_ Sehun says, voice soft. Just the statement itself was enough to make Luhan’s heart hammer beneath his chest. His mind begins to rack all that’s happened the past week to back up what he’s just said but it was futile.

 

_What was Sehun talking about?_

 

 _“But you did.”_ Luhan wanted to shout. However Sehun’s grip on him tightens. It’s then that Luhan’s figured out why they’re in such a position—so he could touch him. It’s what Sehun does to distract him from the truth. He’d know since he did it too. But Luhan wouldn’t let him have the power to do that. Luhan’s had enough because he isn’t dumb to believe him and fall back to the same routine.

 

“No.” Luhan shakes his head. “You left okay? You left. _You fucking left._ I don’t even understand why you’re back. What do you want?”

 

Didn’t Luhan ask for this? For Sehun to show up? He even thought that so long as Sehun would be back, he’d be okay. But Sehun wasn’t making sense, it’s hurting his mind.

 

“What are you talking about, Lu? I…” Sehun pauses to think, before his eyes shoot open as though he’s been hit by lightning. _“You thought I left?”_

 

The question rings in Luhan’s mind and it echoes again and again. Luhan furrows his eyebrows. His blood’s boiling because _of course, you did_. He wanted to scream and break free from Sehun’s grip though he doesn’t move.

 

Luhan didn’t beat himself up all those nights for _nothing_.

 

“What else could it be? I haven’t seen you in a week after that night that you… I tried so hard to reach you…” Luhan stops, thinking about all the times he’s broken down as he presses on Sehun’s number hoping he’d pick up. It was the first time he’s felt mad at the situation. _He just doesn’t understand._ “Isn’t that enough of an indication? I’m not dumb.”

 

“Did you even read the message I sent?”

 

“I did!” Luhan says, his voice raising an octave higher. He’s read it a thousand times enough for it to be imprinted in his mind. It had goodbye written all over and Sehun even took his stuff with him. _There was no denying that he left._

 

“I’d understand you’d be mad because I didn’t contact you for a week. But I really couldn’t. I tried, okay? But I left you messages so I thought maybe—”

 

Luhan just wants to make Sehun stop talking because, _No,_ he didn’t try to contact him. He didn’t leave messages either, none that were enough to reassure him that Sehun wasn’t leaving his life for good.

 

“Fucking hell! You left a note, took your stuff and left. Then that was it. You just disappeared! That was it, okay? I get it.” Luhan was about to sit up and disentangle himself from Sehun when he speaks once again.

 

“I didn’t… What are you saying…” Sehun trails off, and he pauses and maybe he was thinking of the same thing that Luhan was.

 

They’re fighting like they’re together when Sehun made it clear that they were a fling by leaving. But what was Sehun doing by coming back?

 

Why are they fighting even if they were supposed to be nothing serious?

 

"What are we even, Lu?" Sehun asks, and it’s so silent, that he could hear his own heartbeat. He could hear Sehun’s too, because the side of Luhan’s face was squished on his chest. What were they doing? _What are they even?_ They’re tangled together as if they’re cuddling for fuck’s sake.

 

"I…” Luhan starts. But nothing comes to mind. Even he doesn’t know the answer to the question. “I dont know."

 

"Do you want me to leave?"

 

Luhan doesn’t want to answer. But there’s this twinge in his chest before a tear slips and another one does too. He’s certain Sehun can already feel the wetness caused by his tears on his shirt when he started rubbing his thumb on Luhan’s back as if in comfort.

 

 _But you already left,_ Luhan thinks. _Why come back?_

 

Luhan wanted to be angry at Sehun. But he couldn’t for long, not with the way Sehun’s skin was warm on his and he can feel himself melting in his arms and just _couldn’t_ stay mad.

 

"I was upset, yes…” Sehun pulls Luhan closer and he purses his lips, hoping his cries would stay silent. But he’s shaking so much that it was already obvious. He’s in such a distressed state that he isn’t sure if the crack he hears in Sehun’s voice growing deeper with each syllable was real or just a figment of his imagination. “I was hurt by what you said that time I went to you before I had a flight to Beijing. I felt like you were brushing me off for someone else.“

 

“Then we even fought the night before that. You didn’t want to talk about it. But then when I thought about it, I remembered you were in SM too for awhile when—” Sehun stops midway when he feels Luhan’s body tense. It’s like Luhan’s blood gone cold at the mention of the past memory he’s been trying to forget for the past few weeks, months, _years_.

 

Luhan can hear himself screaming inside his mind as he wraps his arms around himself and Sehun tightens his hold on him even more. But Luhan budges, so Sehun lets go and he sits straight back up as he looks at Sehun who looked like he was caught red-handed. His body’s shaking at this point and the voice he lets out from his mouth sounds like its been pulled out from the ground.

 

"How did you know I was a trainee in SM before?" Luhan asks, before he bites his lips once again. It’s like a desperate attempt to control himself before he says something he might regret.

 

“Remember when you came home drunk?” Luhan nods. “You told me about it when I was helping you bathe…”

 

Sehun picks right back up before Luhan could even respond. “So right after I got back from China… I went straight to you. But then I see you with someone else in the middle of the night. I wanted to talk to you, possibly in the morning. But… I couldn’t think clearly after I saw you with _him_. It wasn’t the right time so I left it at that. I was supposed to come back in the evening to talk but then…” Sehun turns to look at Luhan’s expression. Luhan wasn’t having any of it.

 

It still doesn’t make sense to him at all.

 

“What can I do to make you believe me?” Sehun asks.

 

Luhan has something in mind, and he should know better than to ask for that. It’s selfish, because he knows he won’t be able to do the same if asked.

 

“Can I ask for honesty?” Luhan says. Maybe it isn’t right. But Sehun is so good at acting—lying. Luhan is too, he does it on impulse. Still, perhaps he’ll learn to stop and Sehun should too. "Just dont hide anything like that again... Just dont lie."

 

“I promise I won’t.” Sehun says, and the way he says it seems so sincere that Luhan would like to believe in it. “We’re good now, right?”

 

_Is this even right?_

 

Sehun isn’t even done explaining about what exactly happened and why was he saying he never left when he took his stuff and left a note that seemed like goodbye no matter how many times Luhan has read it. He didn’t even bother to answer his messages or pick up his calls for a week.

 

But there’s this feeling he can feel blooming in his chest and he hasn’t felt it for so long since the last time he and Sehun were like this—all problems aside. It felt so good, as if there was nothing that could possibly bother him so long as he has Sehun in such a proximity.

 

Luhan isn’t quite sure yet. But for now, he sets aside all his worries and lets himself relax with the one who had been the cause of his internal conflicts in the first place.

 

“We’re good.” Luhan says, snuggling himself closer to Sehun before he looks up at his face—and he shouldn’t have, because Sehun was looking straight at his eyes with a smile that could battle a thousand suns.

 

“That’s good…” Sehun sighs in relief. He shifts their positions so Luhan would be on top of him and he could look at Luhan’s face. “Remember what I said when you asked to explain why I hid my career from you?”

 

_(“I didn’t tell you because I was honestly scared of how you’d react, thought maybe you’d run away. I didn’t want that.”_

_“I wouldn’t leave.”)_

 

“I was so scared you’d leave. I wasn’t lying. I really didn’t want that. Then you told me you wouldn’t. I was _so_ relieved. So why would I leave you?” Sehun says, and it sounded so _genuine_ in his ears. Luhan melts more than he already has. He’s a mess.

 

“I just thought that maybe… after all those nights we fucked, you realized we were better off platonic—”

 

“Platonic?” Sehun interrupts, and he snickers at that mockingly as if in disbelief. Luhan looks away, now embarrassed at what he just said. "What gives you the impression that I don't like you?"

 

He should’ve kept his mouth shut. There was no escaping, because Sehun now had his arm on his waist.

 

“Luhan, look at me.” Luhan doesn’t look at him. He doesn’t dare to. But he could see Sehun’s expression in his peripheral vision and he could tell that he wasn’t amused. “You thought we were platonic?”

 

“I thought we were _going_ to end up platonic.” Sehun taps on his cheek gently, trying to catch his gaze and it wasn’t long before they were seeing each other eye-to-eye.

 

"My actions have never been platonic. Since when was this," Sehun was leaning in and he’s so close that Luhan can see the slight crook of his lips, as if knowing of what is to come next. "considered platonic?"

 

Luhan couldn’t handle the wait any longer, so he plunges in and lets himself drown in Sehun’s lips and fingers ghosting under his shirt, on his back. His own hands all over Sehun’s chest, pulling at his shirt as he nips on his lips hungrily. Luhan doesn’t know how long they were at it before they had to chase each other’s breaths back and pull away. Sehun rests his forehead on Luhan’s own and even if he has his eyes closed, he can hear the sound of Sehun’s laugh as if in contentment before he speaks.

 

"If I didn't like you, I wouldn't have agreed to go with you that night. I wouldn't have taken your number. I wouldn't have asked you to meet up with me when I want to see you or make time just so I could go to your apartment. I've liked you at first sight, Luhan. _Even before that._ " Luhan didn't know what Sehun meant with the last words he said but it made his nerves crumble in the most beautiful way. They were so close that Luhan could feel Sehun’s breath warm on his lips when he was speaking.

 

Luhan’s going to lose it soon enough.

 

“Open your eyes.” Sehun says, and Luhan does. He jumps at the sight of Sehun’s eyes so close that he looks away. "Say it."

 

"You like me.” Luhan’s voice was low, and it sounded so forced even if he did mean it.

 

“It doesn’t sound like you believe me at all.” He cups Luhan’s cheek into his hand, and lightly nudges to face him. “Look at me.”

 

There’s no logic left in his actions when it comes to Sehun.

 

Things were too fast but it didn’t matter if nothing was making sense. The moment felt too much like all those days and nights before when Sehun was just Sehun who visited his apartment countless of times, and let him come by in such unconventional hours with failed dates but even better plans. Sehun who he’s connected with so deep that he didn’t feel the need to overthink and just let his heart rest.

 

“You like me! Okay? You like me!” Luhan says, his voice louder this time and he hopes Sehun would be convinced.

 

“You believe me now, huh? If you do, then you should know what happens next. I’d like to show you just how much.” Sehun grins. “Unless of course, you still don’t believe that I like you.” he says, faking a pout.

 

“You like me! I get it, Sehun. Just…”

 

“Just what?” Sehun says, he has his hand under Luhan’s shirt on his back, long fingers leaving ghosts on the surface of it as if drawing him in. Luhan knows what he wanted to hear, and that he won’t stop unless he says it. It’s like they’re back at being how they were before Luhan found out who Sehun was. Except now, Luhan knew, and they’ve put it past them now that Sehun’s promised he won’t lie or hide anything else anymore.

 

“Just fuck me already." Luhan says, through gritted teeth.

 

He’s fallen out of control with the way Sehun was looking at him with _adoration,_ as if he’s seeing his whole world in Luhan’s eyes. He wonders if he should believe in it—and he would, even if it’s just this one time, or the next ones to come, because Luhan’s forgotten how good it felt like to let his heart out and feel so exposed and know that he doesn’t have to worry because someone was there hold it.

 

Sehun carries him, and when he’s turning the doorknob open, he whispers something in Luhan’s ear which sends shivers down his spine and all over the surface of his skin.

 

"I'll give you more than just that, baby."

 

***

 

It amazes Luhan how much power he feels he has just because Sehun is back.

 

It was odd, considering Sehun himself is one of the reasons why he was triggered to go downhill into a distressed state. But Sehun had been why he forgot everything else that troubled his thoughts just a few weeks ago. His presence, despite all that he’s suffered the past week, was enough to make Luhan set all his worries aside for a night and just let himself drown in Sehun like how he always had before—as if there wasn’t supposed to be a misunderstanding to clear up first before they make up.

 

They’ve never been good with following the order, anyway.

 

“Let’s take a shower first.” Sehun whispers, as soon as he’s locked the door of the bedroom even if there was no one else around to barge in on them. Luhan could only nod before Sehun lead the both of them inside the bathroom, through the walk-in closet and turn the dim lights by the mirror instead of the main light on.

 

Sehun lays Luhan down on the tub before he takes his shirt off and stares down at Luhan who was ravishing the sight before him. Even in the dark, Sehun’s body still looked so beautiful. _It’s been so long_.

 

Sehun steps inside, knees on the porcelain before pushing Luhan lightly until he had his back on the corner of the tub. Sehun puts one hand on the edge of the tub and the other on the tiled wall just beside his head as he inches his face closer to Luhan’s own.

 

Sehun had a hint of smug tainted on his lips, and Luhan’s eyes were half-lidded as he stared at his lips with his mouth open as if he’s starving for a taste. It’s in that moment that Sehun thought it was a good idea to turn the knob located just beside his head. The showerhead begins to pour cold water as Sehun chuckles to himself and settles himself to sit down in front of him. Luhan groans internally. _Stop teasing._

 

But then Sehun pulls him into his arms as he lies down and Luhan lands on top of him. He could feel how the liquid goes from cold to warm on his back in a matter of seconds. Luhan just changed out of his wet clothes, and he’s already being drenched. Not that he minded though—he’d be stripped of in a few minutes or so anyway.

 

Sehun takes Luhan by the chin and landed a peck on his lips, and before he has the time to pull away, Luhan puts his hand on Sehun’s bare shoulder and slips his tongue inside his mouth. It’s odd, _so odd_ —how Luhan seems to have forgotten about the fact that Sehun took his bags, left him with just a note, and deliberately ignored his calls or messages for a week.

 

But his body’s never felt so alive with the way Sehun’s fingers were running down on the bumps of his spine as their lips move and mold with each other as if sucking for air to breathe.

 

They only stop so Sehun could pull Luhan’s shirt over his head. They’re now both unclothed from the waist up. Luhan already had his hand fumbling on the button of Sehun’s skin-tight jeans and it was so hard to do so when his mind’s in a haze.

 

Luhan’s other hand is pressed up on the tub, pushing the rest of his body upright on a kneeling position. He needed the support, otherwise he’d fall on Sehun’s chest. He’s positioned just in between Sehun’s legs, who was lying down with no intention to help Luhan with his predicament and is watching him struggle with amusement. But it wasn’t long before his smile falters and expression turns blank.

 

“Luhan…” Sehun says, making Luhan pause from attempting to unbutton his pants. “You really thought I left?”

 

Luhan nods absentmindedly, going back to what he was doing before. _This isn’t working._  He takes the hand he used to support himself and he pushes himself back to sit down and undo the button with both hands.

 

“I’m sorry… I lost my phone and—”

 

“Later.” Luhan interrupts. Even if Sehun would explain now, Luhan wouldn’t have it in him to listen just yet.

 

“Wait, Luhan. Let me explain—”

 

“Explain later…” Luhan says, the underlying tone of a growl evident in his voice as he finally manages to open the fly of his pants.

 

“The managers, they—”

 

 _“Later.”_ he says, voice louder this time hoping it would shut him up. Sehun’s growing hard-on bobs out of his underwear as soon as Luhan pulls the obstructing garments down to his knees. Luhan brings a hand to wrap around the shaft loosely. Sehun laughs, as if in disbelief though he obviously doesn’t mind the contact.

 

“You’re making me go crazy, Lu.” Sehun breathes, throwing his head back at the feeling of Luhan stroking his cock with experimental fingers.

 

“Stay crazy, then.” Luhan says. _Where does he even get such confidence to say such words?_

 

“Fuck.” Sehun says, kicking his jeans and boxers off and his body’s fully unclothed. He takes both of Luhan’s hands in his, where he leads his left hand to rest on the erratic beating of his chest, and his right one to interlace their fingers together. He rests his hand on the small of Luhan’s back and he leads him to rest on top of his chest. “What are we even, Lu?”

 

Luhan could feel the organ beat its way out of Sehun’s chest along with his uneven breathing. He thinks it might be in sync with his own. It wasn’t so easy to tell when his own chest is pressed up against Sehun’s with only his hand as a barrier between.

 

_What are they even?_

 

“We’re…” Luhan says, looking away as he couldn’t handle the expression Sehun had on his face. Sehun squeezes his hand prompting Luhan to close his eyes. _“...This.”_

 

“I like _this_ , then.” Sehun says, brushing his lips on the button of Luhan’s nose. “So much.”

 

Luhan hides his face on the crook of Sehun’s neck and everything’s just so _warm_. Sehun’s hand felt like it was burning on the underside of his thigh as it crept upwards and into the tight fabric of his own boxers and _fuck_ —two fingers were already pressing up in between the heat of his ass.

 

Sehun rubs lightly on the sensitive skin, making sure to stay a second or so longer when it brushes on the ring of muscles that Luhan would involuntarily clench as if unwilling to let go of the sensation the fingers would bring. He was so into the feeling that Luhan doesn’t even notice that his nails were clenching on the back of Sehun’s hand, surely leaving red crescent moons in its wake.

 

Sehun had to let go of Luhan’s hand so he could slip his boxers off with ease and they’re both so exposed with no layers of fabric in between their heated skin. They couldn’t even be bothered to stand up and retrieve soap or shampoo to cleanse their bodies as they were supposed to. But it wasn’t as if Sehun intended to do that when he said that they’d take a shower or if he just wanted to have Luhan like this.

 

Luhan isn’t even so sure of what’s happening anymore. It’s almost as if he could feel Sehun’s touch all over his body as he rubbed on his skin with gentle fingers. It wasn’t long before he could no longer feel the hot droplets on his skin and Sehun was carrying him in his arms with the other side of his knees and his back hooked above his arms.

 

Water dripped from the surface of their bodies, leaving a trail until Sehun laid Luhan on the bed and he can feel the liquid dampening the soft sheets from his drenched body. He look up at Sehun who was standing by the foot of the bed, his eyes lingering on every single part of his body. The gaze itself was enough to alight his skin on fire, leaving sparks on the surface of his skin.

 

That is until, he’s reminded of how horrid his body had looked. It isn’t as if Sehun hasn’t seen him like this in the same light. But the redness of the scratch marks he had inflicted on himself was still present if one looked close enough—as if the rest of the marks that were permanent on his body weren’t horrid enough.

 

“Sehun… Turn the lights off.” he says, making Sehun furrow his eyebrows at the request. It isn’t like he hasn’t asked of it before. “Please, just turn it off.” Luhan commands, louder this time with the hardness of the one in his voice making Sehun still.

 

“You can turn the bedside lamp on if you want.” Luhan adds, softer this time. He says this with a hint of smile on his lips, hoping it was enough to reassure Sehun that he wasn’t mad.

 

Sehun complies, taking the few steps just by the door and switches the light off. It’s completely dark, and Luhan watches as Sehun weaves his way from the moonlight emitting from the windows and into the shadows before turning the bedside lamp on, leaving a soft warm glow dim in the room.

 

Sehun then pulls a knob on the table open and takes the familiar container of lube in his hand which he opens and—

 

“Luhan… We’re out of lube.”

 

Luhan stays silent, wondering if he should tell Sehun that he might have some stashed in the closet. But Sehun put the container back in the drawer and went back by the foot of the bed where he opens Luhan’s legs apart and wedges a folded up one with his knee resting on the bed.

 

Sehun had something in mind, Luhan could tell just by the way the smirk he had on his face was twisted. Luhan arches his back as Sehun hovers over him, both arms in between the side of his head.

 

“Do you really like it vanilla? Just fingers, kisses, then fuck? But no oral? Or were you just saying that?” Sehun asks, voice sultry with playfulness. He brings his face closer to Luhan’s until they’re only a mere few inches away. Blood rushes up to his face and it was so hard to avoid Sehun’s gaze when they’re this close.

 

How was Luhan even supposed to answer?

 

“Lu…” Sehun says, voice growing deeper. “Answer me. You don’t really like it that way.”

 

“What are you saying?” Luhan says, trying to brush it off.

 

“You tried to give me a blowjob before…” Sehun says, the tone of his voice going soft. It’s Sehun’s turn to be the shy one this time. Luhan’s always fascinated whenever this happens, when Sehun would seem so confident and then shy away when caught off guard. “...then after awhile you said you were okay without and decided not to.”  

 

“I wanted to suck you off and you got scared.” Luhan says, letting out a small laugh as he takes advantage of the situation to tease Sehun further.

 

“Don’t remind me unless you’re really asking for _it._ ” Sehun says, his air of confidence back making Luhan gulp in nervousness. Sehun brushes the wet hair stuck on his forehead and pushes them back. The contact itself, makes Luhan shake ever so slightly and Sehun laughes when he notices.

 

“You brought it up.” Luhan says.

 

“You don’t really like it vanilla, you like oral...” Sehun trails off. “...and you like _more things_ other than that.”

 

Luhan turns his head to left, the side of his face pressing on the cushion as if doing so would be able to hide the blush creeping on his face. It’s embarrassing, because Sehun is _right_ and he didn’t want to admit anything even if it was so painfully obvious already.

 

“I _like_ it vanilla.” he says, voice muffled with half of his lips mushed on the bed. What a sight it must be to see Luhan look so flushed, legs squirming with the ache he feels down under and behind. His face was already partially buried on the sheets. Sehun chuckles, resting a hand on Luhan’s waist making him shiver at the touch. Luhan closes his eyes and he hears Sehun laugh at that before flipping him over so his chest rested against the bed.

 

“But you like other things as well, hm? Why though? Didn’t think I’d be able to satisfy your expectations?” Sehun traces nonsensical patterns on his back. He then slides his hands down Luhan’s arms leaving ghosts on his skin.

 

“You were a fucking virgin with guys. I had to adjust. We needed to be on the same pace. It might’ve been too much for you to keep up.” Luhan says. It’s then that Sehun tucks his arms under his chest. Luhan already had an idea of what Sehun wanted to happen and he wanted it too. _So bad,_ even if he won’t admit it out loud.

 

Sehun laughs at that, before he lifts Luhan’s hips up by the waist and spreads his legs wide, both knees about a meter apart. Sehun then uses both of his hands to spread the cheeks apart to uncover Luhan buries his face more on the sheets, feeling shy at the new position.

 

He’s so exposed.

 

“Someone’s really asking for it. You make it seem like I can’t be tainted. So you even made it seem like you were okay with just that. I appreciate the effort but…” Sehun pauses, he can feel Sehun’s warm breath so _close_ to his ass. He blows a raspberry on the core and Luhan quivers at the feeling of the cold air hitting the sensitive skin. Sehun speaks, “The real question here, Lu. Is if you can keep up with me?”

 

Luhan’s breath hitches at the question. Something stirs inside him and he wanted Sehun to touch him there because if he doesn’t Luhan would. But it’s then that he figures out why Sehun made him fold his arms together in such a position, so he _wouldn’t_ be able to. So Sehun would be the only one satiating him without the help of his own hands.

 

“I don’t think I can handle having to get out of this bed just to get lube. We’ll have to make do then… only if you want me too, of course.” Sehun stays silent after that, as if anticipating for Luhan to _beg_ for it.

 

“...I want you to.”

 

“You want me to what?” Sehun teases. Luhan doesn’t want to play along when he knows Sehun’s just going to keep it going as long as he could. Sehun adjusts his knees closer to each other so his ass is positioned higher.

 

“Just put _it_ in.” Luhan says, impatience evident in his voice. Sehun could only laugh as he taps the inside of his thighs, and it almost felt like forever before an experimental lick comes making Luhan arch his back even further. He can feel spit dribble down on his hole and he hasn’t even begun thinking of how deep his tongue must’ve went inside when Sehun wraps his hand around his shaft. He tugs at it once, making Luhan shake as Sehun continues with his tongue and hands.

 

This is the first time Sehun’s had him like this, and it’s been so long that Luhan’s forgotten how good it felt. But with Sehun—it wasn’t just good. It was _perfect._

 

Luhan’s knees were already sliding, making his legs be spread apart. Luhan has his hands balled into a fist, gripping on the sheets as to not dig too deep on his palm. He feels so hyper aware of Sehun’s tongue and the way he touches Luhan could be felt in the way it was pulsing on every single nerve in his body.

 

Sehun takes his tongue out and replaces it with a finger, prodding inside as if searching for the spot that would make Luhan fall apart in the most beautiful way possible. His lips then leaves soft kisses on the inside of his thighs, adding another finger in as he begins to scissor them inside.

 

“I can’t believe it took me this long before I can have you like this. You don’t know how much I missed this— _missed you._ ” Sehun stops kissing his thighs and goes forward to his back, where he leaves a trail of kisses on each knob of his bony spine from the top and down until he’s near the stretched hole where he adds a third finger. “Then to think you thought I left all this time? Why would I leave when having you like this is fucking _paradise._ ”

 

Luhan is so _close_.

 

Sehun’s long fingers were brushing past his prostate, and he pulls back whenever Luhan squirms with the touch and he wonders if Sehun enjoys teasing him until Luhan himself would push his ass back to feel his fingers even more. At some point, Sehun pulls his fingers out and flips Luhan on his back. He was standing up, his erect cock in full view as Luhan adjusts and blinks his eyes repeatedly after so long being pressed on the sheets. Sehun stares down at him as if waiting for something.

 

“Lu… I’m going to go get lube. Do you have any stashed somewhere?”

 

“Just take me now.” Luhan says absentmindedly, his eyes focusing around the area of Sehun’s cock.

 

“Are you sure?” he asks, and Luhan can’t take this eyes away.

 

“No—wait…” Luhan sits down on his knees spread apart, motioning Sehun to sit down in front of him on the bed. Sehun sits down, long legs outstretched where Luhan locks himself in between—foreleg to hips. “Let me do this.”

 

Luhan hasn’t done this in so long and he tries to remember how it goes, lips hollowed, mouth stretched as wide as he can making sure to leave wet traces from his tongue as he engulfs as much of the length he can in his mouth. He doesn’t dare take a glance at Sehun’s reaction. He’d like to think that the breathless sounds Sehun was making with his mouth, and the mutters of short praises like _so good, so beautiful, so perfect_ as he bobs his head up and down, slow and languid, was enough of an indication that he was doing a good job.

 

Sehun pushes Luhan down on the bed once, hand behind his waist with his cock pressing on his entrance. Just one push and they’d be connected. The expression Sehun had on his face was the same it had been earlier before. Luhan wonders if he’s seeing right, because it’s dark and everything’s so hazy and slicked, or if it’s selfish for him to think that the way. But Luhan couldn’t help but think that the reason Sehun was looking at him that way, was because Sehun _adores_ him, or thinks he’s his whole world the moment their eyes meet.

 

Luhan wonders if there is something more to like when it comes to the two of them.

 

Before Luhan could ponder on the thought even more, Sehun pushes in and Luhan lets go, his muscles tightening and relaxing at the same time. Luhan loses control as he lets the feeling of being so _stretched_ and so _full_ overtake him.

 

Luhan’s so far gone.

 

***

 

Nothing but the sound of their bated breaths can be heard in the dimly lit room. Luhan has his arms falling limp on his side and on top of Sehun where he has his head snug on his chest. Sehun has his fingers trailing on his back as if mapping out stars. The feeling serves as a silent lullaby humming him to sleep—and he almost does until Sehun spoke.

 

“Luhan… Can we talk now?” Sehun tentatively asks, hands still lingering on his back. Luhan is tired, but he pulls himself out of sleep just enough to be able to listen to Sehun talk. He nods, waiting for Sehun to begin.

 

“I… I lost my phone…” Sehun starts, and even if he’s said it earlier when they were in the bathroom, Luhan still reacted as if it was the first time he’s heard it. His statement made sense considering none of his calls were picked up— _except for one_. But Sehun begins talking again and Luhan pushes all the questions he wanted to ask at the back of his mind, letting himself listen to the explanation.

 

“I actually got it back earlier. A neighbor found it at the basement parking lot. I accidentally left it there… Remember when I last went here at your apartment? I went back to the dorms right after.” Sehun stops his hand from brushing on Luhan’s back as though his fingers were caught aflame. The lost of the contact prompts Luhan to turn his head over to the other side and face Sehun.

 

Sehun resumes, “I was tired, jetlagged. I remember falling asleep at the car once I got to park… I must’ve dropped it when the managers woke me up to drive me to the filming site and I grabbed just about anything without minding my stuff. I remembered having my eyes closed half the time I went from my car to the van.”

 

It’s odd. For them to be talking like this. No touches, just words with no intention of intervening as Luhan listened to his every word. It’s like they were done avoiding a possible argument to spark and talk it out instead.

 

“I only noticed when we were going back to the dorms and I wanted to call you if I can visit in the evening. I tried looking for it at the parking lot but couldn’t find it. The managers found out. They were making me cut the network but I didn’t want to since you might think I blocked your number or anything like that. It couldn’t be located so they made me lock it. But then they made me wipe all the data…” Sehun has his arm outstretched as if wanting to touch Luhan. But he hesitates, drawing his hand back and resting it on the pillow.

 

Luhan was trying, to process the words Sehun was saying in his head and try to understand. But it comes off as blank. He honestly doesn’t know how to react, or if he should even feel or think anything at all. Sehun didn’t seem like he was lying—and he shouldn’t because Luhan just asked him for honesty earlier.

 

_Surely, there shouldn’t be a reason for Sehun to lie, right?_

 

Luhan would like to convince himself.

 

“We tried checking the CCTV cameras at the parking lot but I parked at a blind spot so it wasn’t of any help either. They said that other than when I have to go shoot scenes, I wasn’t allowed to go out and even then they’d escort me to and from the dorms so I couldn’t escape. It was for safety precautions since they thought that it might’ve been stolen by someone who wanted to sell it to the press or something.”

 

Sehun laughs, as if recalling a past memory. “It’s funny because the one who found the jacket was our neighbor who was a middle school boy. He picked it up and didn’t know what to do with it so he kept it at his room… His mother found the jacket when she heard the phone ring at his room and figured it was mine so they gave it back.”

 

The statement itself makes Luhan think of a certain possibility. If she heard the phone ring, then maybe it was the mother who picked up his phone that time he called? Luhan was trying to piece two and two together with his clouded mind. It seemed like the only plausible idea.

 

“They gave it to the other dorm where the other members stayed so no one really knew it got returned until someone found the jacket at the laundry room and realized it was mine. They didn’t even let me visit my family for the holidays. I just had to follow orders…” Sehun stops there, as if he’s done with his explanation. “Jongin helped me get out. I’m not sure about what he did but he just barged in our room earlier and screamed at me to get out and go to your apartment as he pushed me out of the unit. So I did.”

 

The room is silent now, and Sehun didn’t have anything left to say anymore. Things were starting to clear up and Luhan shouldn’t doubt him. Luhan wouldn’t put it past him to consider that it was all just in his mind and Sehun isn’t lying.

 

But something’s amiss.

 

“Won’t you get in trouble?” Luhan says, having nothing to say just yet. He needs a moment to just _think, breathe, and convince himself not to jump into conclusions_.

 

“I have the whole day off tomorrow. I won’t be missing any schedules. There won’t be an urgent reason to look for me until the next day.” Sehun says, brushing Luhan’s fringe off to the side and tucking a lock on his ear. Luhan closes his eyes, his eyebrows still furrowed together. He wonders if Sehun could tell that there were still doubts in his mind even if he chooses to stay silent for now. “Oh, and I’ll give you my new contact later. I won’t be using that phone even if I got it back since I bought two new phones.”

 

Luhan opens his eyes at that, “Two?”

 

“Yeah. The one that I lost was the one I use to contact friends…”

 

“How many phones do you even have?” Luhan says, scrunching his nose. He’s asking the question to distract himself from the his mind still searching for a way to ask Sehun to explain even further without going overboard because it feels like he’s missing something that’s quite not right. The words just couldn’t sink in his mind. It can’t possibly be _just that._

 

“Three. I’m only keeping the one I have for work. I used to have two separate phones for family and then friends but I’m making the new one I have for both family and friends. So then I have the first one for work, and the second phone would be for personal… and the third one.” Sehun pauses, a small laugh escapes from his lips as he looks at Luhan in the eye. “For _you_.”

 

“A separate phone? To contact me?”

 

“Yeah…” Sehun nods, lips on a flat line, looking like he was restraining himself from letting his smile grow bigger. “I’m going to save your number in all of my phones and then memorize it so I’ll never have to lose it again.”

 

Luhan’s heart was fluttering and he can’t help but let it run on an overdrive as the butterflies in his stomach run wild. _Fuck._ Was it even the right time for him to be feeling this way? Sehun always made it hard for him not to feel giddy in every single moment that he could. That’s just how he is. It’s why it was so hard to hate him when Luhan thought that he left, or be mad at him because he let Luhan believe that he was struggling in the entertainment industry.

 

Sehun’s words were just always too sweet and seemed so real that not believing is hard even if he should be wary knowing that distinguishing between what’s real and what’s a lie was a futile game.

 

“It was all a misunderstanding, then?” Luhan asks. Saying it out loud didn’t help in convincing himself that it was. “You didn’t intend to leave?”

 

“I didn’t.” Sehun says, and Luhan really wanted to believe in it. It sounded so sincere but he just _couldn’t_.

 

As soon as Luhan was able to calm his racing heart, and put his mind back on track, he runs Sehun’s explanation once again and tries to let the words sink in. He concentrates on not letting his feelings control his being as he finally gathers up the courage to ask.

 

“What was that letter, then? Why did it seem like you weren’t going to come back.” Luhan asks. The questions begin to pour in his mind because as some things become clearer, others become more blurry and it wasn’t something he could wrap his head around so easily.

 

Everything couldn’t have been just a misunderstanding. There was that note, Sehun took his stuff away, and it just so happens that Sehun was restricted from going out unless it was a schedule the same week he lost his phone making it impossible to contact him. For all of that to happen at the same time, it was too much to be considered a coincidence.

 

Something’s amiss.

 

“What letter?”

 

“The note you left on the fridge?” Luhan points out. Sehun furrows his eyebrows at that. The image of the note all wet and crumpled up just by the entrance flashes in his mind, and Luhan climbs out of bed before Sehun could stop him from doing so.

 

He ignores Sehun’s calls for him to ask what he was trying to do and go back to bed, but he paid no heed to it as he went to the bathroom where he picked up the first thing he could take to wear—which was Sehun’s shirt. Luhan pulls it over his head and steps out and into the living room where the note was lying on the ground.

 

“This note!” Luhan says, kneeling down before sitting on the hardwood floor as he unravels the crumpled paper with careful fingers. It’s been damaged beyond repair, but it was already drier than it had been earlier making it easier to flatten it out. Sehun emerges out of the bedroom, now clad in boxer shorts. Once he’s close enough, he crouches down to Luhan’s level when he motions the letter in his hand to him, which he takes.

 

“Luhan…” Sehun says, looking down at it. The bled ink and crumpled paper made it impossible for the letters to even be illegible in the slightest of ways. “This isn’t from me.”

 

 _“It is.”_ he says. Maybe Sehun’s only saying it wasn’t from him because he doesn’t recognize his own note when it’s been completely ruined. It _can’t_ possibly be from someone else other than Sehun himself. “You said you cooked me juk and left a medicine box…”

 

“Lu… I left you a message—messages even. But I didn’t write it down on a note like this. I sent you _text messages_ before I lost my phone.” Sehun hands the note back to Luhan, who stares down at the note trying to look for hints that it isn’t from him.

 

“I actually saw this stuck on your refrigerator when I went back to check up on you. It’s from that guy you were with. Joonmyun?” Sehun says, Luhan wonders if the venom dripping in the sound of his voice was intentional. “I don’t even know how to cook juk. The best I could do at cooking is noodles or reheating takeout. That’s it. I did bring you juk but I bought it when I first left your apartment and came back for awhile. And I also left you medicine. It was in a plastic bag on the counter. No medicine box though… “

 

“It wasn’t yours…” Luhan trails off. For a week, the note he’s always known to be from Sehun haunted him and thinking that it wasn’t from him was hurting his brain. He tries to open up his mind on thinking it was from Joonmyun. His mind didn’t even ponder on the thought of it. But come to think of it, Joonmyun’s mentioned a message that Luhan didn’t bother to look for the first time he called him.

 

_(“I left you a message in the morning. Have you read it?”)_

 

Joonmyun even calls to check up on him once every few hours to check if he’s taken his medicine, like how he organized the pills inside a medicine box with the correct dosage per pillbox in a day. He left him porridge—a home cooked one now that he’s noticed, which was what he thought Sehun had left for him. Joonmyun also watched him as he ate as if waiting for feedback. _(Joonmyun watches expectantly, like a mother waiting for her son’s reaction to what she just cooked.)_

 

The note didn’t even have Sehun’s name written on it or Joonmyun’s. But whenever Sehun would leave him a message, it would always be through a text message. _Never a note stuck on a refrigerator door._

 

Things were beginning to fall into place and it’s nothing that Luhan’s expected.

 

But how was Joonmyun aware that he was… _skipping meals?_ And he called him _Lu,_ it was too informal for him who usually addressed him as Luhan-sshi. But if it wasn’t Joonmyun, and it wasn’t Sehun either… Who else could’ve written it? Maybe he’d ask Joonmyun about it tomorrow.

 

“You don’t even know how my penmanship looked like?” Sehun scoffs, mocking annoyance. Luhan couldn’t think straight as he tries to conjure up the note’s former appearance in his vision.

 

“But your fans said your penmanship was messy… It was messy…” Luhan reasons. Sehun gawks at that before pouting and taking Luhan’s face by the cheek.

 

“I’d take offense. But the expression you have on right now is too cute.” Sehun was at it again with his words. _Stop_. Luhan couldn’t even deal with what he just found out and Sehun was already taking his mind off from it. Sehun retracts his hand away after seconds although the warmth of his palm stays imprinted on his skin.

 

“Then why did you take your stuff with you?” Luhan asks. What once was Sehun’s cheeky expression morphed into an unreadable one. It’s like he doesn’t have a response prepared for the question. Luhan was right to doubt him. Sehun was hiding something and this was something that he missed. Of course—

 

“They’re under the bed.” Sehun says, voice calm. It was like Luhan’s feet acted on it’s own accord when he stood up and ran as swift as he could to the bedroom where he flipped the bed covers open. It was dark, he couldn’t make out the luggage and backpack Sehun had with him through the other boxes he kept under the bed.

 

That is, until Sehun flipped the switch of the main light in the room and he could see the luggage with the backpack leaning right beside it positioned just in the middle. Luhan could only blink at the sight wondering if he was seeing right.

 

It was under his bed all this time.

 

“Whenever people were around and I was with you, you were so careful to make sure I won’t be seen. So I hid it there just in case someone would see and ask. I’ve always been careless, you know that. But I guess it’s time I make an effort since I know you don’t want to get involved in something messy, and you won’t. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll protect you.”

 

There Sehun was again with his words making his chest pound once again. _Stop_. Sehun sits down right beside Luhan on the floor where he was on the brink of having a mental breakdown. Luhan’s mind is becoming blank once again from too much information and it wouldn’t take long before he’d erase all doubts he had—he was already beginning to do so.

 

“Then… what messages were you talking about?” Luhan asks, when the thought crosses his mind. The matter was beginning to become clear as a day even if he didn’t want to believe it. It was all a misunderstanding with numerous unfortunate circumstances that made the situation even worse.

 

Luhan feels dumb.

 

“I sent you texts before I left to go back to the dorms… Didn’t you get them?” Sehun asks, though he might’ve already thought of the possibility since Luhan did mention he never got them earlier in the evening.

 

“I didn’t get them…” Luhan says, trying to think of reasons of why he didn’t get any of the messages. “Are you sure the messages got through?”

 

“I’m sure.” Sehun answers. Luhan nods, maybe it had been network problems? But that was highly unlikely. His eyes bore holes on his skin with the way he was staring at him as if in realization.

 

“Luhan…” Sehun says, his voice sounded so hesitant that it made Luhan’s already rapid heartbeat increase in speed with nervousness. “Can you check if you have my number blocked?”

 

Luhan flinched at that as he turned at Sehun with his mouth agape. It was even harder to believe when because Sehun wasn’t _kidding._

 

“I didn’t block your number… why would you even think that…” Luhan shakes his head because _No_. For the past week, he’s been trying to contact him so hard. There was _absolutely_ no reason for him to block Sehun.

 

If Luhan had, he’d remember it. Unless he was drunk, of course. He’s always been notorious in doing dumb things he refuses to remember while intoxicated.

 

“Just check it.” Sehun asks. Luhan just nods and stands up and goes to retrieve his bag from where he’s put it earlier on the floor to get his phone. He sits down on the wooden floorboards, legs crossed as he unlocked his phone and tapped on the settings where he could find the block list.

 

Luhan doesn’t really have anyone listed but a couple of numbers he’s received rather unpleasant messages he never bothered to trouble himself with after a while years ago and of course, Kris or Yifan’s contact.

 

There is however, a new addition to the list with the short scroll of the thumb. At the bottom, a familiar string of digits that he’s already memorized with the amount of times he’s stared at the contact the past week shows up.

 

Sehun’s number was blocked.

 

Luhan’s eyes fly open as he thinks of how Sehun’s number ended up on the list. He could see Sehun walk to him in his peripheral vision before he sits down beside him and looks at the screen of the phone, his expression less shocked then Luhan had been. It was as if he expected this.

 

“Your number is on the block list.” Luhan says, stating the obvious.

 

“It happened before. Remember when you got back here and you were drunk? I… checked on your phone and it displayed a screen with a list of numbers you have blocked. Mine was listed there.” Sehun admits, pursing his lips into a flat line. “I unblocked my number right after. But then I also deleted all the texts and call logs you had from me before you blocked my number that night. It was a petty thing to do, I know.”

 

Luhan closes his eyes and tries to grasp on the events that conspired that night. He remembers, that his phone was still beeping when he had an arm slung over Baekhyun’s shoulders as he guided him back to his apartment. He was so out of it, that when he arrived at his doorstep, he didn’t enter and instead just sat there in front doing god knows what for an hour or so.

 

Then Sehun opened the door, and took care of him that night. The next day, a chunk of his memories were blurry though Baekhyun mentioned he said something about Kris or Yifan— _both_. Sehun also slipped that he knew about Luhan being a previous trainee in SM earlier and even before, he brought something up that Luhan doesn’t remember to have said that time they fought in his car.

 

_("You said he was a trainee in SM. And I did some calculations, he was a trainee around the same time Baby SenSen was too!")_

 

 _("When you were drunk last night you said 'I wish I could be with Sehun all the time, even if Sehun makes me so mad and confused and everything is problem—’”)_ _  
_

 

In the morning, Luhan thought of the possibility but he brushed it off before he could even dig deeper into the thought.

 

_(Luhan could've sworn he could hear his ringtone and text message notification from his bag several times last night but it must've been his imagination.)_

 

It wasn’t his imagination.

 

“But fuck—I was just so worried that night. You weren’t replying or picking up my calls and then I unlocked your phone and saw that you blocked me? Was I annoying you that much for you to go to such an extent? I didn’t understand why.” Sehun says, frustration clear in his voice.

 

Luhan thinks about when he would have the time to block Sehun’s number. This one… wasn’t something he even considered. It was too _far-fetched_. If that had been the case, then he would still be able to call or text Sehun. But he won’t be able to receive any of Sehun’s texts or calls—which then explains why he received none of the messages Sehun claims to have sent him.

 

Sehun even mentioned that it wasn’t the first time that it happened, and when it first did, he blocked his number while he was drunk. It wasn’t uncommon for him to blackout and have gaps in his memory once he wakes up the next day. It’s happened countless times before in the past. He tries to rack his mind of when was the last time he was on the receiving end of Sehun’s call or text. It had been the night he had Zitao over for tea and they fought when Luhan was panicking and trying hard to make sure Zitao won’t be able to see him as they were also arguing before Sehun came.

 

At the same night, hours later, he got drunk and broke down in a matter of hours—most of which he’s chosen to forget and did not bother to try and remember if he’s done anything else but resurface past wounds. The next time Sehun came over, he didn’t receive a text or call like he usually did. Luhan didn’t think too much of it since Sehun has went to his apartment once without prior notice, and it isn’t really that important to still be in contact with him if he really did intend to leave the way that Luhan thought he had.

 

But _maybe_ , Sehun did try to contact him so he could go over his apartment to get his script. Only he didn’t get a response because his number had been blocked.

 

Everything was making sense and Luhan didn’t want to believe in it. There were too much revelations that his head was beginning to hurt as it goes blank—much too dumbfounded with the fact that it’s basically proven that everything that he’s been beating himself up for a week was all a misunderstanding. He isn’t sure if there are still questions left unanswered. His head hurts too much that he’d rather not trouble himself with it any longer.

 

He’s all burnt out.

 

“Do you believe me now? When I say I didn’t intend to leave you?” Sehun asks, taking him out of his reverie. Luhan looks at Sehun in the eye, they were so sincere and it’s then that he knew that he already believed in him. So he nods, mouth no longer able to ask anything else to satiate his now non-existent suspicion.

 

Luhan didn’t even give Sehun the benefit of doubt. But it wasn’t as if the circumstances were that easy either. It was all a misunderstanding.

 

Sehun didn’t intend to leave, he misplaced his phone which was why he lost Luhan’s number. He also wasn’t allowed to go out unless it was for a filming schedule.

 

The note Luhan’s been reading endlessly thinking it was a goodbye note from Sehun was from Joonmyun. Sehun didn’t take his luggages with him, instead he hid them under the bed.

 

And Luhan blocked Sehun’s number, so he never got the messages he left for him before he lost his phone.

 

Trying to let the truth sink in hurt his mind like hell.

 

“I’m sorry.” Luhan blurts out. _Fuck._  He’s been so preoccupied in thinking about his own issues that he didn’t even consider Sehun’s side of the story other than how he perceived it to be.

 

“It’s okay. I’m really sorry too. I tried to reach out to you sooner but I really couldn’t. I was locked down.” Sehun says, letting his hand run down Luhan’s back as if in comfort. “Let’s go to sleep.”

 

Sehun stands up and offers a hand. Luhan’s perfectly capable of standing up on his own without his help. But nevertheless, he accepts the hand and lets Sehun help him stand up on two feet. Once he’s up, the warmth of Sehun’s large hand engulfs in the spaces between his fingers when he interlaces them locked together.

 

It’s so beautiful that Luhan wondered if this was all a dream.

 

But everything felt so real, when Sehun dragged him along as he turns the main light off and looks back at Luhan to smile at him even if there was no reason for him to do so. It felt real when Sehun tucked the both of them under the covers as he arranged their limbs until they were molded together.

 

It felt so perfect. It didn’t even matter how surreal it was that just in the morning, he was already considering to move on from this— _whatever they were_. The thought of not having _this_ was so scary. That even if Luhan’s mind hurts with all that he’s found out tonight, nothing else matters but the fact that there were more than enough pillows for the both of them and yet Luhan had his head cushioned on Sehun’s bare chest.

 

Sehun has an arm snaked around his waist, where he was rubbing light circles on his back and underneath his own shirt that Luhan was wearing. Their limbs were tangled like vines intertwined. Luhan hasn’t felt at peace like this in so long— _and it’s real and he isn’t dreaming_.

 

Luhan already had his eyes closed, and it’s then that Sehun brushes his fringe to the side. His touches were so tender and gentle as if lulling him to sleep and once he could feel the soft pair of lips featherlight on his skin, the nerves on his body stir alive but drop once again with Sehun’s soft touches whisking him to sleep.

 

Like Sehun always has before in all those nights they’ve spent in each other’s arms, with a soft voice he whispers, “Sleep well, Lu.”

 

And so Luhan does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! im editing this whole thing once im done with what is supposed to be the next update since the ao3 version is full of plotholes... tiny little plotholes i wont disclose to save face HAHA. ofc, also typos, technical errors and formatting problems (which i hate a lot lol).


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: past suicidal tendencies (possibly near death experience/s), mentions of violence (+use of fire)

Luhan didn’t know what to expect the next day. Perhaps, if he had the time to think before he fell into sleep, he would’ve expected empty sheets with a message resting in his phone’s inbox. Maybe, not even a text or a reminder of Sehun from the night before because… what if all that happened was just a  _ dream _ ?

 

But it doesn’t seem so, not with how his eyes were closed with the first signs of consciousness drifting him back to reality and Luhan could feel the heat of a warm body pressed up against his side. There was an arm snaked around his lithe figure and he can’t possibly conjure up something that felt this  _ real  _ if it was all just in his mind.

 

A part of Luhan still could not believe it despite being more than sure that the warmth he feels encompassing his whole being came from Sehun himself. So he lifts his eyelids open by a millimeter to be greeted with the sight of skin from a neck that isn’t his own.

 

Sunlight drifts through the windows, illuminating the room with a soft light. It was just enough for Luhan to be able to tell that Sehun was still asleep when he looks up and sees that his eyes were still closed. He blinks, several times with sleepy eyes opening wider each time as he notices each detail of Sehun’s face, tiny dots nearly invisible to the naked eye, scar engraved on his right cheek, eyebrows knitted even in his sleep.

 

He couldn’t help but to put a finger in between Sehun’s eyebrows, whose expression softens at the touch and Luhan smiles to himself. It’s like watching an angel in his sleep as he held Luhan up high in what feels to be heaven.

 

_ He’s real. _

 

Luhan blinks lazily at the sight, his eyes growing droopy with each bat until he could no longer carry the weight of his eyelids. He lets sleep overtake him once again, half of his mind floating in limbo until a thought crosses his mind.

 

Something’s still amiss.

 

How could he have forgotten to ask Sehun about that girl he was with at the Han River? Luhan couldn’t rack his mind more of the memory, for it was much too surreal and hazy with gaps in between. With his eyes closed, Luhan shakes Sehun awake in a soft one-handed shove.

 

“Sehun…” Luhan begins, voice muffled on the pillow. He shifts his head to face the ceiling so his voice would be clearer. “...who was that girl?”

 

“Who?” Sehun asks, voice still groggy with sleep. He tightens his grip on Luhan’s side and snuggles his head on his shoulder.   
  


“That beautiful girl you were with… at the Han River…”

 

“What are you talking about…” Sehun trails off, and Luhan expected this.  _ Of course, _ Sehun would deny it. Luhan tries to dig the memory deeper in his mind but it wasn’t much of help.

 

“Something led me there… told me to go because you were there… with a girl.”

 

“Who would lead you there? Jongin?” Sehun laughs. “The last times I’ve been to the Han River was both with you though. When you met me and when I took you out on a date… Did you dream of me, then?”

 

That’s when Luhan flies his eyes open. _ Shit.  _ In his sleepy state, Luhan forgot that it was a dream he had a few nights ago after haunting himself with reasons as to why Sehun would leave him as if he’s the horrible one between the two of them.  _ It wasn’t real. Sehun wasn’t at the Han River with a girl. Sehun wasn’t lying to him. It was a dream. _

 

He could feel Sehun’s eyes boring holes on his face from his peripheral vision, eyebrows furrowed as if in confusion yet eyes glinted with slight amusement.

 

“Yeah. I was dreaming.” Luhan blinks at the ceiling, trying to process the situation with his mind now more awake than it had been when he asked the question. It was a dream. Of course, Sehun can’t be held accountable for that. Sehun doesn’t even know what he dreamt about. How could he be at fault? “Sorry about that.”

 

Sehun takes Luhan’s right cheek by the hand so he could face him. But Luhan closes his eyes upon instinct and digs half of his face on the pillow. He hasn’t even been awake for ten minutes and yet he already wants to bury his face on the sheets in shame.

 

“It’s okay. I didn’t dream of you though…” Sehun says, bringing Luhan closer to him with the arm he had around his waist. He slides his hand on Luhan’s cheek to the back of his head, and leads it to rest on the side of his neck. His nose is squashed on Sehun’s collarbones with his lips pressed on soft skin. Luhan could feel the vibrations of Sehun’s neck when he speaks. “There wasn’t a need since I could just wake up and see you in my arms. Much better than dreams, to be honest.”

 

Luhan could feel himself melting with each word. He’s almost forgotten how Sehun’s just so good with his words, as if he’s reading a script from a romantic comedy too cheesy for Luhan’s taste if he were to be honest. That is of course, before he met Sehun. Not even all that he’s went through the past week when he thought Sehun had left him would deter him from feeling the way that he is now caused by Sehun’s effect on him.

 

They stay like that for a minute or so. Luhan tries to memorize how Sehun’s breath becomes even as if going back to sleep, and he does too. That is until he remembers he has work today.

 

Luhan has to turn up by twelve o’clock at NiniMart.

 

Luhan attempts to wriggle free but the grip on his waist was too tight, and each time he tries to move, Sehun would tighten his hold even more.

 

“Let’s go back to sleep.” Sehun mutters under his breath.

 

“Sehun…” Luhan says, lightly pushing on his chest. “I have to go to work.”

  
Sehun then loosens his clutch and Luhan takes this as an opportunity to break free from his grip and sit up. Sehun does so as well and talks. “You have work today?”

 

“Yeah. I asked my Manager if I can still work and take extra shifts on Chuseok since I had nothing planned anyway.” Luhan rubs the sleeps off his eyes, blinking in between until his eyes has fully adjusted in the light.

 

“Then we can make plans, I have the whole day-off today anyway. We haven’t seen each other for a week, and you’re going to leave me here alone…” Sehun says, slack jawed as if in disbelief. “...to work?”

 

“I’m going to get fired if I skip out… do you know how many shift-offs I took so I could meet up with you before?” Luhan turns to look at Sehun.

 

“Come on. Just skip work. I won’t be having much day-offs that would last as long as this.” Sehun says, leaning in to Luhan’s side to wrap an arm around his waist.  _ Here he is again. _ Luhan isn’t letting himself to fall for it.

 

“No one is skipping work, okay? Not even you. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve missed schedules before.” Luhan bites back. Sehun’s eyes visibly widen at that and he shuts his mouth, as if he no longer had anything to retort with because it was true.

 

“Well you missed school too!” Sehun tries to reason. Luhan squints his eyes at that, asserting that he doesn’t have time to argue because he needs to get out of bed. But Sehun doesn’t look like he’s done playing games if the arm he had wound around Luhan’s waist refusing to untangle is any indication. Sehun speaks with his chin resting on the jut of Luhan’s neck. “Just one last time. Let’s stay in bed, huh? It’s supposed to be a holiday anyway.”

 

“Sehun…” Luhan breathes, the light locks of Sehun’s hair brushing on his cheek made him pause for a moment and just let the contact last for just a second longer. The gap however enables a single thought to register in his mind. “Wait… I just realized you were working on a holiday. Were you working all this time you were gone?”   


 

Sehun gets his other arm to wrap around Luhan’s middle, encasing him in a back hug before he starts talking, “Yeah I was. My scenes are going to end soon since I was signed only until the tenth episode. We only have a few more before I’d wrap my parts and I’d go back to just group activities. I’d have a week and a half more of filming, I suppose. But really, Lu. Don’t you think it’s unfair you’re leaving me here alone so you could go to work?”

 

Not everything that he’s found out last night has sunk in his mind. It wasn’t such an easy thing to process but all of it fit like lost pieces of a jigsaw puzzle Luhan’s been struggling to figure out for a week. Sehun must’ve had an idea that Luhan would conclude that he had cut off ties with him considering the circumstances.

 

But maybe he had hoped that Luhan wouldn’t think of it that way since Sehun did send messages that he never received. So the way Luhan reacted last night baffled him to no end when he brought up the note and the missing luggages which caused Luhan to think that he wanted to call it quits.

 

It was all a misunderstanding. Luhan was at fault for thinking the worst and it was unfortunate that Sehun was too busy with filming. On top of that, he was on a house arrest as well with no contact left of Luhan and had to get help from Jongin so he could escape, so even the time they’re spending right now is borrowed and Sehun will most likely get in more trouble once he gets back.

 

It’s all still so complicated and Luhan really would like to go back to sleep and let his mind rest. Besides, they haven’t seen each other in a week. Sehun won’t agree to leave anytime soon so might as well enjoy it before he has to go back and possibly be on house arrest again. It’s so tempting.  _ But no. _

 

“I can try and ask my manager if I can work only until five. Is that good enough for you?” Luhan offers as a compromise. Luhan can’t take take any more shift-offs with the amount he’s skipped out on the past month. He was also the one who signed up to work extra hours for the holidays so it isn’t right if he’d back out on it at the last minute. Luhan can already imagine Heechul having a fit if he doesn’t turn up at work.

 

Sehun doesn’t answer, already sensing that Luhan won’t give in even if he tries to do so in the next few minutes. So he takes this as his cue to wriggle free from Sehun’s clutch, who complies much to Luhan’s advantage. He steps out of bed and as soon as Luhan’s feet has touched the floorboards, he notices that his phone’s vibrating on the floor from where he’s left it last night.

 

Luhan crouches down to retrieve it on his way to the walk-in closet and he glances at the Caller ID as he walks past the door and pauses as he stares at the contact.

 

_ Joonmyun. _

 

Luhan picks up.

 

“Good morning, Luhan-sshi.” Joonmyun greets, and Luhan can tell that there’s a goofy smile plastered on his face just with the way he’s said the words. “Have you taken your meds?”

 

“Yeah. I think I’m completely rid of the cold now and…” Luhan says, sitting down on the floor, legs folded close to his chest with an arm wound around his knees. He contemplates whether or not he should mention the note, he already knows it was from Joonmyun. But Luhan asks anyway. “I think I got the message that you left already. You sticked it on the refrigerator door?”

 

Joonmyun laughs, a soft sound coming off breathy in between his lips. “You found it only now?”

 

“Yeah…” Luhan closes his eyes. So it was true. He doesn’t know why his mind still refuses to believe even at this point. But the truth’s clear as a day that not believing would be a foolish thing to do.

 

Then Luhan remembers the contents of the note and he flies his eyes open.

 

“Thank you for that but…” he begins, blood rushing through his body in panic. He doesn’t need another person to be bothered with such a trivial matter. “Just so you know, I’m not skipping meals. I don’t know where’d you get the idea but maybe it’s just… maybe I lost my appetite since I was sick and all.”

 

“Ahh. It’s not just because of that… I know how you… don’t eat as much as you need to a point that you get sick…” Joonmyun says, rolling the words out carefully, pausing once in awhile as if checking if Luhan’s hanged up on him. “Don’t get mad but Baekhyun was the one who told me. He cares a lot about you, you know?”

 

“It’s nothing serious.” Luhan blurts out, mind not able to come up with excuses he’s used before. There was no point in denying it anyway. Luhan clasps a hand over his mouth with his eyes shut tight. It’s too early to trouble himself with it so he’ll let it go.

 

“Look, we just don’t want you to get sick again. Baekhyun says he’s been trying to make you eat but he had to tone it down because he didn’t want to be too much of a bother to you. He was being dramatic the other day saying that you probably find him annoying and sometimes he doesn’t even know why you still keep him as a friend.”

 

Luhan furrows his eyebrows at the statement. Baekhyun thinks Luhan sees him that way? He wouldn’t have guessed. Baekhyun’s always so carefree that troubling himself with such matters are unlikely. Though, in all honesty Luhan should’ve known. He’s been more distant than he usually is the past weeks.

 

Luhan takes the hand he has grasped on his face away to talk. “I don’t find him annoying though?” he says.

 

“That’s what I told him but he just laughed and said he was kidding.” Joonmyun laughs for a brief moment before he continues. “But I didn’t think he was. He actually admires how strong you are. How you never get affected by what people say about you. He says that you never act irrationally and that you had… You have so many thoughts in your head but you keep it inside because you don’t want to burden anybody.”

 

“He kept complimenting you and said that you still had quite a following of girls who likes you, only that you are unaware of it. If I didn’t know better I’d think he likes you as more than a friend.” Joonmyun laughs again.

 

Baekhyun always has nice things to say about Luhan, as if he adores his whole being. But Baekhyun always has nice things to say about anyone. For years, he has kept Luhan company, sticking by his side even if he always seemed so disinterested when they’re together. If anything, it should’ve been Luhan who should wonder why Baekhyun still keeps him as a friend.  _ Out of pity, _ he had guessed. A charity case, perhaps. But not a friend.

 

Luhan suppresses those thoughts whenever he’s with Baekhyun because he doesn’t deserve to be thought of with deceit. Luhan always reminds himself of why they even became friends in the first place whenever he starts doubting Baekhyun’s sincerity. It wasn’t just because they both shared a preference and developed some sort of understanding through it.  _ It was beyond that. _

 

_ Baekhyun is a good person.  _ That’s just how he is. He once mentioned that it was important to be kind because everyone has scars that they hide, that of which affects the actions and decisions they make. And Luhan knew he only told him this because Baekhyun wanted to let him know that he could see through the facade he puts on to conceal his inner demons.

 

There was a time when Luhan was getting used to having dead air fill in the conversations he had with everyone, when even the fairweather friends who bothered to try and pretend not to treat him differently after the incident got tired of keeping up the act when it had seemed like Luhan simply just didn’t… care about anything anymore.

 

It was Baekhyun who saw through all of it. But not without reason, of course. They were both just acquaintances who shared a few classes from the same college department. But years before, somewhere in Itaewon, Baekhyun recognized Luhan amidst the sea of faceless people bathed in strobe lights. At that time, everyone else in the department knew him after what  _ happened _ and Luhan had been careless. Having his image become even more fucked was something people thought Luhan wouldn’t get fazed over, not when people who knew him would see what he did at night with absolutely no shame in accidental encounters.

 

Baekhyun was watching him from afar out of curiosity, it’s then that he noticed that Luhan wasn’t alone. He talking to a girl, who was clinging to him while there was another person, a guy this time who had an arm slung over his shoulder. Luhan looked uncomfortable despite his effort to hide it.

 

Then after a while, when Luhan couldn’t take it anymore he excused himself and walked out of the club. Baekhyun meant to stop observing the situation then, but then he noticed that the ones Luhan had previously been with went out with several people looking furious. So Baekhyun went out as well after much contemplation and found himself peeping and hiding in the shadows of a dingy alley at the back of the club. It was dark, but then it wasn’t so anymore when a zippo was lit and then Luhan—

 

“Baekhyun is a good person.” Luhan states. He doesn’t deserve to have a friend like Baekhyun. He’s too good to Luhan— _ to everyone. _ Even back then when Luhan had to go back to university after days of recovery, Baekhyun didn’t ask for an explanation as to why Luhan was at that alley with people he shouldn’t have been involved with. They never talked about the incident even if it was the sole reason they became friends. The only time it was brought up was under Luhan’s drunken stupor and he was thanking Baekhyun for knowing hapkido.

 

Not even once has Luhan shared his pain with him, or talked about what’s on his mind. But Baekhyun knew Luhan was dying inside. He knew because he was the one who was shaking, bruises on the brink of darkening from fisticuffs but was the least of his worries since he had to make sure that Luhan wouldn’t slip into unconsciousness. Not with his state at that time.

 

Baekhyun improvised a cold compress on his back, and was muttering something about calling for help as he helped Luhan up so he would call a cab to go the nearest hospital. But even then, with the side of his face pressed on the concrete, Luhan still had it in him to beg Baekhyun not to tell anyone about what happened despite his state.

 

Joonmyun speaks. “I know… He helped me at a difficult time too at some point in my life. You know when I was in high school, he was the one who…” he stops at that, as if there was something he was supposed to say but decided against it. Luhan didn’t even know Joonmyun and Baekhyun go way back before college.

 

“I’m just… I’m just always thankful to have someone like Baekhyun in my life.” Joonmyun’s voice dipped lower on the shallows of a distant reminiscence. Luhan wraps his arm tighter around his knees. He wonders for a brief moment, if Sehun is still on the bed falling back into sleep or on the brink of waking up.

 

“I was actually talking to Baekhyunnie over the phone last night… He talked about you mostly. He recalled that  _ one time _ you two went to the Han River.” Images of the setting sun and skipping stones flash in Luhan’s mind. His tongue’s reminded of the faint taste of beer and tears on his lips.

 

Something is sinks deep inside Luhan the more vivid the image of that day and the events that transpired before that, he can’t quite point out what it was. Joonmyun speaks. “Around the time you decided to take a leave of absence the next semester? Do you remember?”

 

***

 

It had been a year ago, when the ache in Luhan’s stomach was no longer something his system could ignore that he had to take a week off from school just so he could get his body back on track no matter how unwilling he was to get better.

 

It wasn’t that he was exactly  _ unwilling _ . Luhan just didn’t think it would make sense for him to try when he doesn’t even feel hungry and that whenever he does, the churning inside his belly would drive whatever he ingested down the drain.  _ Of course, _ this kind of mentality  _ is _ dangerous. So he still tried what he could do.

 

But his body hadn’t been the only thing that decided to fall apart. Luhan sensed it when he went by weeks with barely even a wink of sleep and an immense amount of caffeine was fueling his system in the day. He’s went so long in pushing it at the back of his mind every time as though it doesn’t exist. Being alone made it harder to pretend, and it wasn’t as if he was going to let anyone else know about it because he was just being melancholic.  _ Overly dramatic, _ he’d like to believe.

 

There was no reason for him to feel like _ that j _ ust because there’s this voice in his head reminding him of how his life had been before in comparison to how it was then. So Luhan kept it to himself,  _ he always does.  _ The only times his distress spills was in warm unacquainted bodies, chilled alcoholic beverages burning down his throat and lit cancer sticks soothing his burnt out mind in sleepless moments spent at the tub,  _ as if hiding in shame. _

 

Luhan learned to get used to it even before,  _ in hiding, _ when he was in high school and going to the football field to play was most exciting once the game is over. It’s when everyone else has left, and the locker room was used for trysts with the first boy he’s ever been with that he actually felt comfortable in his own skin.

 

Luhan’s always been used to hiding most of what made him happy to the people who mattered. To be judged and rejected for what made him who he was, is something he’s always tried so hard to avoid. Luhan’s gotten used to pretending that often times, he loses himself in the act. So much that he isn’t sure if he can look at his reflection in the mirror and recognize himself anymore once he takes the mask off.

 

It was as if he has lost strength to resist all the thoughts he had been struggling to push at the back of his mind in the day. One’s that he had to convince himself that he’s okay, he isn’t sad, and that he isn’t depressed. There are people who still care about him so there’s no reason for him to be that way. However, it was different whenever he’s left alone with his thoughts. The way his mind thinks when it’s too quiet and there are no other voices and distractions to keep them away pushes him down into a dark abyss where he struggles to climb up from through various means.

 

But Luhan was sick too, with ulcer. Give it a few days, and all his worries will pass like the ache he feels in his middle.  _ Nothing serious. _ If it doesn’t, then Luhan can just pretend it doesn’t exist. It has worked before,  _ it always does.  _ There was no need to burden anyone who would even bother to care with something that Luhan can deal with on his own.

 

So Luhan shut everyone out (not that there were plenty who cared), and stayed locked up in his apartment. In more than one instance, he could hear the faint sound of the doorbell ringing in his ears along with Baekhyun’s voice and incessant knocks that made Luhan consider if he should answer it or not. He didn’t, though. Luhan didn’t know if anyone’s bothered to contact him since he hasn’t charged his phone since it died.

 

Luhan couldn’t hide from reality for so long though. Since Zitao made a decision to break into his apartment when he hasn’t been in reach for days and  _ found him asleep, _ the white tiles of the bathroom being the last thing Luhan’s caught sight of before falling into unconsciousness, and the white curtains used as a divider in an emergency room being the first thing he saw when he woke up hours later.

 

_ "I went back home to Beijing. I would've answered the door if I was around when you visited."  _ is what Luhan used as an excuse when he had to go back to class days later and Baekhyun was first to bombard him with questions.

 

Baekhyun wasn’t having any of it, though. He caught Luhan passing a sick note to their professor in one of the classes he’s missed but couldn’t afford to skip without reason. "No really, Luhan, dear. You can't fool me." he retorted.

 

"Then believe what you want."

 

Once class was over, Baekhyun dragged Luhan to the Han River since he said that he missed him, and that he didn’t have to go to work since he was given the shift-off anyway. Luhan didn’t have the heart to make up an excuse so he agreed.

 

The river has always been a place where Luhan went to when he needed to find solace in everything.

 

Seeing the river made him think of how his day had been since he stepped inside the college building, Seungwan smiled at him when they crossed each other’s paths at the hallway, people filled him in on what he missed in class and throughout the day Baekhyun had been the only who bothered to ask about his absence.

 

Not one person knew, or sensed about what happened to him—except for Baekhyun. But that was just his personality. It was as if everything was okay and it was driving Luhan insane. And he couldn’t take the feeling of the water on his skin off his head, and sometimes he thinks he knew how it felt like, how he must’ve shifted his position and then water replaced oxygen.

 

The river reminded him of it, and it was the only thought in his head at that time that Luhan paid no heed to the fact that he wasn’t alone. It was the only time he let himself be stripped back in his vulnerable state in front of Baekhyun.

 

“It’s okay to let it all out. You can talk to me if you want to. I’ll listen.” Baekhyun told him, chin slotted on the jut of Luhan’s neck with a beer half-empty by his side. The sun was setting amidst the skyline as the lump in his throat grows bigger, and the tears on his cheek falls down at an exponential rate.

 

But still despite that, his sobs were nearly non-existent. It wasn’t hard to cry in silence when he’s grown up muffling them with a pillow or swallowing them because showing his weakness was unforgivable as long as there were eyes watching his every move.  _ They’d call it fake and say it’s a show just for sympathy. _

 

But Luhan just couldn’t help but let the tears fall.  _ Just for now,  _ he thought.

 

“I’m just tired.” he excused. If Luhan pretends the problem doesn’t exist,  _ then it doesn’t.  _ The skeletons in his closet were falling down; resounding on the wood but still kept locked up inside, endlessly rotting.

 

“It must be tiring, huh? To be so perfect.”

 

“I’m far from perfect, Baekhyun.”

 

Baekhyun slung an arm over his shoulder. Luhan doesn’t welcome the touch; he doesn’t reject it either. “Don’t say that. A lot of people think so, you know?”

 

“That was before…” Luhan’s voice sounds like there’s liquid stuck in his throat. He blamed it on the beer even when it’s been five minutes since he last touched it.

 

Baekhyun’s hold on him tightened, and the change in his voice was evident. Stern, as if speaking from experience. “Those who started thinking otherwise just because they found out you’re gay don’t matter.” Baekhyun said, presenting the words like a tacky box wrapped up with ribbons. It was a nice thought but Luhan knew it doesn’t work like that for everyone.

 

It didn’t work out like that for him, at least.

 

People didn’t start thinking otherwise just because he was gay.  _ It was how everyone found out. _

 

It was how Luhan’s been painted in this perfect, untouchable light and he let them even when he knew he was for from it. People thought of him as smart, girls fawned over him, he was that easy going freshman who felt like an upperclassman. He showed himself off as someone who was polite, kind, and treated his classmates to food or help in academics. The facade lasted for nearly a year before he got exposed and the way that he handled the situation hadn’t been the best.

 

It wasn’t only because he was gay. Luhan just wasn’t a good person to begin with.  _ He was a sham  _ and people caught on that very fact.

 

“I’m gay! Most people know that and they still think I’m…  _ Baekhyun!  _ You’re still perfect, sweetie. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.” Baekhyun nudged him by the shoulder as if the gesture would help him be convinced.

 

Luhan knew that there was nothing wrong with being gay. That was what he’d like to believe. It was just that not everyone understood. Luhan could still remember high school, and how he turned his back on his first love, who wanted people to know that they were together, because he wasn’t ready. The way their classmates looked at the boy were still fresh in Luhan’s mind and he didn’t want the same to happen to him.

 

No one had anything extremely bad to say, as far as Luhan remembered. Some people avoided him, much like Luhan had. It hadn’t been widespread as it only became an issue just less than a month shy from graduation. But Luhan swore he had seen it in their eyes…  _ being the way that he was, wasn’t something they understood. _

 

Perhaps it was karma hitting him in the face after what he did back then. They looks thrown at him were achingly familiar. He had watched from the sidelines back then, it hurt him before. The guilt killed him but it wasn’t enough for him to stand by his side. So when Luhan experienced it firsthand, he realized just how horrible of a person he was back then for what he did.

 

Luhan had thought it would end just there. But then the rumors started, and he didn’t know how to react. The lies kept piling up, and Luhan knew that he wasn’t being truthful about himself from the start.

 

That’s when Luhan thought he did  _ deserve _ being treated the way that he was.

 

There’s a reason why Baekhyun was the only one he thought he could consider a friend, because they both shared something in common. But other than that, there weren’t much. None that Luhan knew of, anyway. Baekhyun was carefree, positive, and loud; whereas Luhan was anything but. He tried to be before, though. It didn’t work out.

 

“It’s because you’re a good person.” Luhan said.

 

“And you aren’t? Darling! Besides Baby SenSen, you’re the only other perfect person I know.” Baekhyun said, his voice laced with so much affection. Luhan doesn’t even know who this  _ Baby SenSen _ was but Baekhyun always mentioned him whenever dead air would fill in their conversation, and before it does he would salvage it with just about any topic.

 

Mostly it’s EXO, an idol group much to his chagrin. Luhan doesn’t like talking about idol groups. He used to train to be in one.  _ Maybe _ even… If he hadn’t quit then  _ maybe _ …  _ No.  _ Luhan wouldn’t know, he’s deliberately went out of his way to avoid anything that would trigger the past memory like a plague.

 

“I’m not perfect.” The sobs were threatening to escape as he spoke. Luhan decided to keep his mouth shut after that. But he thought about how hard he had tried to cover all his shortcomings but still people were starting to see through it.

 

People could see just how promiscuous he was, how he probably befriended everyone for sex, and that he had someone back in China who paid for his tuition in exchange of whatever someone like Luhan could offer,  _ they had said. _ Along with all the other rumors that were whispered among breaks; the truth blown out of proportion with almost little to no truth in them.

 

Luhan didn’t know how many people believed in those, though. He wasn’t surprised when he learned of it since anyone would be whispering slurs after  _ what happened _ .

 

What they couldn’t see however, was that Luhan was a mess inside. Luhan knew it himself, that he was so fucked in the head but not for the reasons people would think so. That he was suffering from an extended heartbreak from living in the ruins of everything he’s worked hard for—the main reason why he even came to Seoul in the first place—with the debris scattered on the ground with close to no chances of ever being able to be built again.

 

It wasn’t something, anyone would understand. After all, if someone who’s seen him in both his best and worst, couldn’t stand and stay by his side even if it was just for pity, who else will?

 

The wounds always find a way to resurface back on his skin with only the water on the brim of swallowing his whole being like a lifesaver disguised as a sword. They always do, and Luhan was already beginning to accept that some wounds don’t even heal enough to become a scar; some rot and stay that way.

 

Maybe he should’ve picked up one of Zitao’s calls so he wouldn’t have felt the need to visit and check up on him that time. Maybe Zitao shouldn’t have known the passcode to his apartment. Maybe Zitao shouldn’t have found him there at the tub and—

 

“Have a little faith.” Baekhyun’s hand was running on his back. Luhan couldn’t recall when but he was trying so hard not to let himself melt in the touch. “In yourself, and the people around you.” Baekhyun added.

 

And it was such a tempting thought to believe. But Luhan knew better. He had learned it the hard way. There was nothing he could do now but cry.

 

Once he was all dried out, Baekhyun entertained him by skipping stones, his head nestled on Luhan’s shoulder as if in comfort. And Luhan was watching the stone glide across the water, just bouncing on the surface indefinitely before it sinks down into the abyss.

 

Maybe he is the stone.

 

Such a morbid thought was strangely comforting and seeing the rock  _ skip, skip, skip _ on the river only to fall rock bottom felt…  _ good _ . But Baekhyun was latching to him, and it was the reality that felt… nicer, or at least it was something that had been enough to keep him grounded as he stared far and beyond the river with the moon having already replaced the sun that has set.

 

Luhan wanted to just let go and let himself bask in it and believe in Baekhyun’s words in that moment.

 

Come to think of it, the Han River has been a witness to many moments in Luhan’s life ever since he started living in Korea.

 

When Luhan first came to Seoul, he liked going to the Han River because the quiet it provides in the night was the perfect place to drown out the sound of the foreign language that suffocated his thoughts due to his inability to understand beyond basic phrases. It was like the flowing river kept his thoughts at bay, and being near the body of water kept him grounded.

 

But after awhile, when Luhan could no longer hold himself up, when everything started becoming a blur in the haze of cigarette smoke and meaningless touches he used as a distraction. When he went back from Beijing and he couldn’t erase the look his own parents gave him when he said he wanted to fight for his dreams, _ that he could make it. _

 

But his mother… she was sick and Luhan was an irresponsible son. He’s disappointed them for so long. He was put in a difficult position, and there weren’t much options left if he wanted to go back to Seoul. He’d like to think he didn’t have any choice that when he… he couldn’t handle it anymore. He had to make a decision.

 

So he came back to Seoul.

 

But then he wasn’t training under SM Entertainment anymore, he applied to study Business even if he just got an associate degree in Applied Music, and everything became blank, black, and blurry that he could no longer distinguish what was beyond his thoughts as he’s drowned himself in it too much in fear that reality was about to sink in—and reality was a scary thing. So he found vices to keep him sane, it worked but it came with a price.

 

The one he thought who’d stay in his lowest state left, and there was no longer anyone who had the power to hold him down.

 

So when all that happened, and Luhan came back to the river in hopes it would provide the same calm that it had before, it wasn’t the same. The thought of falling and falling down the river became an incessant thought he could no longer wipe away. It has always been there, even before. But somehow, the thought became something Luhan found to be comforting, so he kept coming back with his legs dipped down on the water and the fire on the tip of the cigarette in his mouth alight as if reminding him that he hasn’t drowned and he’s still above water.

 

It was like living on the edge. If by chance, he would slip and fall down, it would be just an accident. It was that easy. Being around water helped him so much that on sleepless nights, he would spend it in his bathtub, the slosh of the water lulling him to sleep after hours of trying to shut down his mind.

 

Luhan doesn’t want to let it sink in just yet, because it had only been a few days and maybe it wasn’t real. But there was this vivid image of him in his head, him sipping on the edge though he could have sworn that he didn’t mean to.

 

But there he was, on the tub, and Zitao was shaking him back to consciousness despite the sleeping pills he had taken to help with sleep,  _ or at least he’s been told _ . Luhan doesn’t remember because the next thing he does after falling asleep at the tub was that he was on a hospital bed, and Zitao was crying and saying he was sorry that he wasn’t around enough to pull Luhan up from the deep abyss he’s fallen in, and that when he had he has almost fallen. That Zitao was almost too late and he couldn’t even begin to imagine how it would have been if he had found Luhan an hour too late.

 

Sometimes he thinks of what would’ve happened if Zitao hadn’t been trying to contact him for days. Luhan had been too busy wallowing in his own misery to bother a reply that Zitao put it upon himself to barge inside his apartment at the most crucial moment.

 

Most of the time, he doesn’t want to think. The thought was much too heavy for his mind to carry. So he stops and pushes it the back of his mind with ease from  _ years of practice, of pretending, of acting _ . He’s always been good at it, anyway. Luhan might as well put all that he’s picked up from various musical productions he’s been involved in since there won’t be any use of it anymore in the direction his life was heading to, one that he had tried so hard to avoid.

 

And Luhan knew it himself. That it was an accident caused by his careless inclination at being destructive to himself and everyone else around him.

 

But his subconscious couldn’t help but think otherwise.

 

“Luhan!” Baekhyun called out, the voice pulling him back to Earth. Baekhyun was no longer in touch as he was waving a hand in front of him.

 

“Yeah?” Luhan blinked, he must’ve spaced out for too long again. He turned to look at Baekhyun, who’s eyes were dead set on his face.

 

“Are you?”

 

“Am I what?”

 

“Are you okay now?” Baekhyun asked. The question seeping through the walls around his heart, twinging at his chest in the slightest of ways. Baekhyun has this sense of innocence that the world hasn’t killed just yet.

 

Luhan put on a smile. It was a struggle. But there was no need for him to bother anyone else more than he has in the past months,  _ years even _ . He’ll try his best to not be a bother, and actually smile with his eyes. But for now, he’ll do  _ this. _

 

“I’m okay, Baekhyun. Don’t worry about it.” Luhan reassured him.

 

Luhan didn’t know if Baekhyun was convinced. But silence took over, and Luhan ended the matter when he picked up a stone then casted it toward the river. It sunk with a splash at once.  _ Low, low, low,  _ with not even a single ricochet ensued to delay the fall.

 

***

 

“Luhan!” Joonmyun calls out, the voice pulling him back to Earth.

 

“Yeah?” Luhan blinks, he must’ve spaced out for too long again. He leans his back against the mirror behind him.

 

“Are you?”

 

“Am I what?”

 

“Are you okay? The past week, you seemed off. Even the weeks before. Actually ever since the semester began, you missed class and work a couple of times. Baekhyun’s been worried… Me too, to be honest.” Joonmyun says. Luhan just puts on a smile, Joonmyun won’t see it but he’s hoping that he can hear it twinged in his voice no matter how staged it is.

 

“I’m okay, Joonmyun. Don’t worry about it.” Luhan reassures him. Silence took over, and Luhan would really like the conversation to end there. Luhan slides himself nearer to the opened door, he sees Sehun is still fast asleep on the bed.

 

“It’s just… you were really friendly before. A lot of people in our department admired you, you know? You were friends with a lot of people and everyone who wasn’t wanted to get to know you and I… I was one of them. Then suddenly… you just stopped talking to everyone.“

 

Luhan sees Sehun shift his position and so he takes his vision away from the bed and back to his initial position with his back resting on the mirror.

 

“Well… you do know about what happened, right?” Luhan reminds him. Joonmyun knows what happened then. Everyone does, and he’s been reduced to that one incident which is the only thing people remember Luhan by even to this day. Maybe he could’ve handled it better. Maybe things wouldn’t have been as bad as it is now. But there’s no one else to blame but himself.

 

“And anyway, like I said. It’s been three years. I’m over it Joonmyun.” Luhan adds, reassuring Joonmyun that there was no need to talk about the past. There’s a reason why Luhan pushes those memories at the back of his mind whenever it resurfaces.

 

“A lot of people still admire you, you know. But most of them just think you’re content with only keeping a few people around you.”

 

“I do know that.” Luhan does. No one really is mean to him except for a number of people who are extremely vocal with their prejudice or just needs someone to be a butt of their jokes that petty people consider hilarious. He still can laugh and joke around with people in his class but his efforts in making sure there was no personal attachment is evident.

 

Luhan’s always had the habit of keeping people out of his life at some point. Even those who matter,  _ those who care. _

 

“Anyway, I’m really okay.” Luhan stresses. He just wants Joonmyun to drop it. “There’s nothing wrong so let’s end it with that.” Luhan lets out a laugh, it sounds so natural coming out from his mouth that even he’s convinced himself that it isn’t an act.

 

“I just wanted to say if you needed someone to talk to. There’s me, and Baekhyun. You can talk to us.”

 

There’s a lump in his throat. But Luhan still manages to talk audibly enough not to sound like he’s choking the sobs down his throat. “I’m just used to being distant and keeping it to myself. It’s not anyone’s fault I’m like this. But thank you for your concern.”

 

“I’m sorry for bringing it up. But we were just really worried about you… Baekhyunnie and I talk to you every day and we could tell there’s a change in your demeanor even if it’s just through the phone.”

 

“Well I was sick.” Luhan reasons.

 

“Still…”

 

“I’m fine, Joonmyun.” Luhan asserts.  _ Just stop. _

 

“I’m sorry… But I’m glad you’re fine.” Joonmyun’s voice drops, as if he thinks he’s upset Luhan. But it isn’t his fault that he cares and that Luhan’s reminded of a past memory he doesn’t want to remember. “Anyway, Baekhyun always calls you with cute nicknames. I had half a mind to write Lulu but I thought Lu would be fine since it’s your last name anyway.”

 

No one really calls him Lu,  _ and just Lu, _ except for Sehun. It’s one of the reasons why Luhan even thought the note came from Sehun. Luhan would like to keep it that way.

 

“Well, I’m fine with Luhan.” Luhan says. He makes sure to make his voice sound cheerful just to make him feel less bad.

 

“I actually have work today and I need to get ready now.” he admits. Joonmyun bids him with a good morning and a promise to call again later before Luhan hangs up. He stares at his phone right after.

 

The time stamped on it tells him that he has two hours before he has to turn up at work and he should stand up now and take a shower. So he stands up and strips himself off Sehun’s shirt, which was the only garment he had on his body and finds himself standing in front of the mirror, stark naked; soft skin marred with imperfection and affection. There are new marks on his neck and all over his torso caused by Sehun’s mouth and scratch marks he’s wallowed himself in the lonely hours.

 

Then Luhan swivels himself to turn away from the mirror, and he looks back to be greeted with the grotesque sight of the damaged skin. It’s dark, and blotched along the pale complexion; irregular shapes scattered on the flesh of his back in colors he’s always been familiar with.

 

It’s a reminder of when Luhan nearly lost himself in the fire, with the flames on his skin he could never forget.

 

Sometimes, Luhan thinks he can still feel the heat imprinted on his skin that whenever he feels it sting, he finds comfort in the water. It was better to be consumed in water than in flames. But Luhan would like to think that he can just stay afloat even if the surface is scalding with burns and letting himself drown would end the agony and alleviate the pain to a point of numbness.

 

One way or another, there are still people in his life that acts as an anchor that keeps him ashore.

 

But why does it still feel like it will never be enough?

 

Luhan’s never asked for people to care for him. But some people do, mostly because they’ve seen the surface of how Luhan is like in unfortunate circumstances by accident. They take one glance at Luhan, and look at him as if he couldn’t go far without doing anything that would worry them.

 

And every time they show their concern, Luhan feels terrible because even during the times he feels like he’s okay, someone would ask if he is and his mind would dig up reasons as to why he shouldn’t be okay.

 

This is why he’s a horrible person.

 

It isn’t right for him, to think anyone’s concern for him is a burden. But Luhan couldn’t help but think about how less people he has to worry about whenever morbid thoughts flood his mind and he has to find reasons why he shouldn’t push through with it and come up with how troublesome it would be if he were to just…  _ disappear. _

 

It was already problematic enough back home in China. His mother is sick, and wants him to go back home even if she had been the one who convinced his father to let Luhan do what he wanted by studying overseas. His father, he doesn’t want Luhan anywhere near home for… certain reasons. But needs him to finish studying anyway since he was an only child and he couldn’t let Luhan be considered a disgrace to the rest of his family due to his pride.

 

Luhan was already running away from his problems by living far from the life he has to face sooner or later. It was easier to cope this way, easier to pretend that he doesn’t have responsibilities to fulfill once he graduates and has to go back home.

 

In times that he remembers what he’s meant to do, he closes his eyes and tries to imagine how it had been like in  _ that night _ .

 

So Luhan closes his eyes. He remembers the sleeping pills he took because he hasn’t been able to fall asleep despite being awake for more than a day already. He washed it down with alcohol. Then the problematic thoughts were dwindling down to peace as the water whisked him to sleep on the tub,  _ whisked him to— _

 

“Come back to bed, Lu!” Sehun whines loud enough for Luhan to hear, prompting him to swat his eyes open and cut all his previous thoughts short. A single teardrop falls, to be followed by another and it glides down his cheek with ease.

 

Then Luhan could hear the rustling of the sheets, and the footsteps that followed soon after. Sehun is awake, and he calls Luhan’s name out, the sound of his voice growing louder indicating that he was about to enter the closet and see him in such a  _ state. _

 

Luhan’s so exposed, both inside and out.  _ Fuck. _ In panic, he grabs a towel hanging on the rack and—

 

“Good morning, indeed.” Sehun greets, leaning his bare shoulders on the doorway. Luhan freezes, just right when he had draped the towel over his arm and pressed it over his stomach. He could see just how bright the smile he had on his face on his peripheral vision. But it falls just as quickly when he takes notice of his tear-streaked face.

 

Luhan couldn’t move, it was as if his feet were rooted on the floor. So he closes his eyes. But it only made the liquid hanging on the bottom of his lids spill more than it already has.  _ Dumb. _ It was a futile attempt, to hide what was painfully obvious.

 

Sehun sees the tears. But he does not ask. He simply took the few steps he could take until he was in front of Luhan. Then he could feel Sehun’s palm warm on the side of his face with his thumb grazing in his cheek. Sehun’s breath is warm on the surface below his eyes, and the touch was gentle, almost featherlight, when his lips pressed on Luhan’s tear-soaked eyelids.

 

Not one teardrop escapes from his eyes once the soft press of lips came in contact with his eyelids and somehow,  _ like magic,  _ the touch was enough to momentarily delay an impending breakdown. Sehun cradles both of Luhan’s cheeks in his hands and wipes the tears away with his thumb.

 

“Are you—”

 

“Don’t ask.” Luhan says in an abrupt manner, cutting Sehun off before he could even manage to finish his sentence.

 

Sehun sighs, as though he’s unwilling to let it go. He doesn’t bring it up though, much to Luhan’s relief. “Come back to bed, Lu. Let’s just stay in, sleep and do other things too if you want.” Sehun says instead, resting his cheek on Luhan’s temple. His voice still groggy from sleep. Sehun takes one hand away from his cheek to brush his fingers down Luhan’s hair repeatedly.

 

“I’m going to shower, Sehun.” Luhan says, soft almost like a whisper. He pulls Luhan in closer to the warmth of his skin, making his nose nuzzle on the crook between Sehun’s shoulder and neck. Sehun smells like vanilla and sex and Luhan doesn’t even know why those were the only words that comes to mind.

 

Sehun slides his hand down to rest on the small of Luhan’s back. Their bodies are pushed together with close to no barriers, save for Luhan’s middle down to his thighs where a towel is hanging on his arm stuck between their stomachs.

 

Sehun snickers, and Luhan could feel the vibrations caused by his laughter on his chest. “Come back to bed.” Sehun says.

 

“I need to shower.” Luhan says, it comes out muffled and it’s only then does he realize it’s because his lips were crushed on Sehun’s collarbones. There’s a tickling sensation on the surface of Luhan’s cheeks, akin to what he’s feeling all over his skin. It’s like he’s  _ melting _ .

 

“Can I join you, then?” Sehun asks, and it was so natural—how Luhan was first to go to the tub, hang the towel by the rack beside it, and turn the knob of the shower on; making sure that the temperature isn’t scalding like how he’s used to because Sehun might not be able to handle the heat.

 

It doesn’t even take a minute when Sehun joins him at the tub, arms around his torso and the inside of his thighs pressed against his hips. Sehun’s lips were pressing on the jut of Luhan’s neck and yet the touch doesn’t feel in any way sexual.

 

There are no longer tears in danger of falling down his lids. But it’s like Luhan could still sense Luhan’s distress that he does his best to touch him in ways to make him forget. Sehun is nipping on his neck, and yet it only provides him comfort just as much as the soothing sensation the warm water running down his skin in rivulets. Somehow, Luhan feels like he’s okay again. _ This is his haven. _

 

“I didn’t give you permission to shower with me.” Luhan says, trying to lighten up the mood. He can feel the weight he once was carrying in his chest lift up.

 

“I’m sorry.” Sehun laughs, nuzzling his nose on his neck with his lips warm on Luhan’s back.

 

This position, him and Sehun like this felt so familiar.  _ Like deja vu. _ It’s then Luhan’s reminded that they were like this too, around two weeks ago when Baekhyun barged in his apartment with Joonmyun in tow and Sehun had been livid because Luhan couldn’t answer who Joonmyun was when he asked.

 

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been that long since. So much has happened and if Luhan actually thinks about it, only thirty days has passed since he met Sehun that night at the Han River.

 

To be perfectly honest, it’s curious as to why they ended up together in bed that night. Sure, Luhan was drinking a bottle of soju, one which he wasn’t able to finish when he first saw Sehun. But he wasn’t drunk, and by the time Sehun was helping him out of his sweater, the alcohol had already worn off of him completely that he didn’t even feel tipsy anymore.

 

And Sehun, he acted like he knew what he was doing until Luhan figured out that Sehun isn’t familiar with how having sex with a guy works because it had been his first time. Luhan doesn’t even think Sehun’s been involved with anyone but him.  _ Not even with the opposite sex. _ Sehun had tried to hide it, but his virginal stance showing every few seconds the first time they were together and the next days after that gave it away.

 

Luhan found it endearing then, because one second Sehun would whisper sensual phrases that made his skin run wild with shivers and then the next he would ask Luhan what he should do or where he should put his hands in low mutters indicative of shyness. It’s happened so many times that Luhan learned to guide his hands where it should be before Sehun could even ask.

 

It didn’t take long for Sehun to memorize where he could touch Luhan and elicit moans of pleasure with his fingers. But even then, the innocence and hesitance can be traced from his inexperienced hands and newfound excitement.

 

Luhan has been with so many people. Sehun hasn’t been with anyone else but him. Luhan liked Minseok for years but he easily forgot that once Sehun came in the picture. Sehun had a reputation to uphold but he still risked it just so he could spend time with Luhan. The both of them weren’t even looking for anyone to have one night stand with that time. They were at a  _ park,  _ not a nightclub.

 

It’s odd because none of the circumstances as to why they even came to be add up.

 

Luhan once thought it made sense because they were both similar in a way. Luhan used to see himself in Sehun when he was twenty-one, and he thought that Sehun wasn’t having any luck in the entertainment industry much like he did before. Luhan was familiar with that feeling. But clearly, that wasn’t the case since Sehun is anything but unsuccessful.

 

Maybe they were just naturally drawn to each other. After all, there’s this connection that Luhan feels that he shares with Sehun, one which he’s felt since that night they first met. Like a red string bound around his ankle, or little finger. Perhaps, even wrapped all over his whole being, entangled along with Sehun’s limbs like vines intertwined.

 

Of course that might just be his mind trying to conjure up a justifiable reason or make sense of as to why he has the privilege to have Sehun intertwine their hands and let it fall back on Luhan’s bare thigh as Sehun fiddled with their fingers.

 

Sehun lifts his lips to press near Luhan’s ear as he whispers, “I love your thick thighs.” before chuckling to himself in amusement.

 

“Shut it.” Luhan says. Sehun lands a peck on Luhan’s temple as he tightens his hold with the one arm he had around his chest.

 

“I love it whenever you make me shut up when you’re flustered.”

 

Luhan closes his eyes before he mutters, “I’m not flustered.”

 

“You’re cute when you are though.” Sehun remarks.

 

“I’m not cute…”

  
Sehun slots his chin on Luhan’s neck before he speaks, “So cute.”

 

“You dispense sweet nothings like free candy.” Luhan says in defeat. There’s no stopping Sehun when he starts teasing. Luhan liked it anyway, though he’ll never say it out loud.

 

“I thought you were already used to it.”

 

“Do I have to get used to it?” Luhan scrunches his nose. “You should tone it down.”

 

“Should I? You were the one who asked for honesty, though.” Sehun lets out a small laugh, still playing with their fingers. “And I think you should.”

 

There’s this pout upon Luhan’s lips and he wipes it away just as soon as he realized it before Sehun notices and start calling him cute again. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Luhan grits.

 

“I just wanted to make you smile.” Sehun says, before clasping their hands together as though they’re woven. He leads it to press tenderly on his chest, the back of Sehun’s hand right where Luhan’s heart was beating it’s way out.

 

Luhan laughs, so the rapid hammering in his chest can blend in with the vibrations as to not let Sehun notice just how loud it was beating. Also so he could amuse Sehun though it’s nothing short of genuine. Sehun does too, and Luhan wonders if he’s closed his eyes for so long to have fallen asleep.

 

But when Luhan opens his eyes and looks down to shield his eyes away from the spray of the showerhead, he sees their interlocked hands laced together. If Luhan had the will, he would’ve convinced himself that the only reason Sehun’s only holding him like this is because he’s nice, considerate and would’ve done it to anyone he sees in such a state. But he doesn’t, so Luhan lets himself bask in Sehun’s clutch.

 

Luhan may be awake, but maybe he is dreaming after all.

 

“And calling my thighs thick will make me smile?” Luhan scoffs, in mock disbelief.

 

“Won’t saying that I love them make you smile?” Sehun says, as if he’s certain of it. Luhan doesn’t bother a response and just closes his eyes. The water isn’t nearly as hot as Luhan is accustomed to. But Sehun’s skin is warm and slick with his, and he supposes it’s a fair trade-off.

 

Just like that, Sehun puts his mind at ease just by being with him.

 

But they have always been like that before all the arguments and miscommunication rolled in.  _ Easy, _ as if their minds were connected with each other. No words were needed and they only had to let their bodies do the talking with the bed acting as their common ground to avoid any argument from arising.

 

_ It’s like Sehun knew him for a long time already. _

 

Maybe the connection Luhan felt then was plausible too, given that there was this aching thought at the back of his mind that he’s been trying so hard not to think too much of. He’s well aware that they both trained at the same company. But Luhan’s checked, by the time Sehun started training, Luhan already terminated his contract. So it wasn’t possible that Sehun’s seen or known him during his trainee days.

 

The only other member he knew before from the group Sehun is in had been Zhang Yixing.

 

Maybe Luhan knew the others too but they must’ve already slipped off his mind. But he remembers Yixing, who practiced late even in the night much like he did. They were friends but didn’t exactly have the opportunity to be close.

 

_ (“Do you think we’ll be best friends if we make it?” _

 

_ “What if I don’t?” _

 

_ “We will, though.” _

 

_ “Maybe you, Xing-ah.”) _

 

They were on their way there before Luhan left the company and he never kept in contact so they just drifted away.

 

Luhan didn’t recognize him at first since being an idol required him to project an image much different to how he last remembered Yixing to be. It’s also been four years and he debuted under a screen name. But Luhan wouldn’t forget him. He wouldn’t since they both were shortlisted when—

 

Luhan should stop thinking about it. He doubts Yixing would have told Sehun about him, or anyone who knew Luhan really.

 

_ It was all merely just a coincidence. _

 

Sehun’s nibbling at his neck once again. It was just enough to make him feel hyper aware of how there’s this rhythmic pulsation awakening his senses telling him that this was  _ real  _ even if his mind still could not figure it out.

 

“Sehun…” Luhan breathes out, angling his head to the side where he nuzzles his head at the back of Sehun’s neck.

 

“Hm?” Sehun hums, leaning his head as well. His chin digging on Luhan’s cheek, the squeeze more snug than uncomfortable.

 

Maybe they just needed more time, for Luhan to understand what they are or where they’re headed to.

 

_ But how much time do they even have? _

 

What Luhan knows is that he has enough time to lean in, close his eyes and slot their mouths together like perfectly-fit puzzle pieces. Sehun does not respond for a millisecond long, a moment of shock perhaps. He complies nevertheless when he comes back to his senses and reciprocates the liplock with just as much determination as he licks Luhan’s lips for entrance.

 

Luhan could feel the sense or urgency flowing through his veins like the blood he feels pumping in his chest as he escalates the kiss deeper; tongues dancing with a familiar rhythm. There is water slipping in between their lips as if disabling him from breathing with Sehun’s mouth as some sort of source for oxygen.

 

Luhan shifts his position so he’d be facing Sehun, his ass sitting right on the shaft. Luhan wraps his legs around Sehun’s waist and digs his nails hard on his back. The clock still ticks even if it feels like time’s stopped the moment their lips met. Red lines decorate Sehun’s back from Luhan’s unkept nails but not once has Sehun complained whenever Luhan holds him too tight in moments like this.

 

Luhan just wants to feel that someone— _ Sehun _ is here with him and that he isn’t being consumed by the poison his own mind feeds his thoughts.

 

Sehun touches him like his skin’s made of thin glass, and Luhan is holding Sehun like a lifesaver in danger of slipping away from his fingers as he tries not to drown from a shipwreck. Luhan would like to believe Sehun was enough for him to keep himself from drowning too much from his intoxicated thoughts. Sehun felt like home— _ Sehun feels like home _ .

 

But Luhan still doesn’t know how long they will last, if his stay is on borrowed time and one day, Luhan will see that his luggages and any trace of Sehun will be gone in his apartment before he even has the time to realize it.

 

Luhan is first to let go when he feels his breath falter in seconds until he could no longer hold it in. The sound of the droplets of water plopping on the white porcelain or on liquid filling the  tub resonate in his ears with incessant plops. It harmonizes well with their bated breaths producing a serendipitous melody.

 

“You aren’t going anywhere, right?” Luhan blurts out, unknowingly speaking his mind. He bites his lower lip out of instinct. All his worries are spilling out of control from the brim and it shows in the way his facial muscles crease and how he puts too much pressure with his grip on Sehun.

 

He was breaking down and it was already so painfully obvious. Why was he even trying to hide when he knows Sehun could see through it but wouldn’t force him to spit it out unless he wanted to?

 

“I’m not going anywhere, babe.” Sehun smiles, it flashes in his eyes like a pin light blinding his vision in the most beautiful of ways. Luhan wishes so much that he can believe in his words with absolutely no doubt.

 

_ Luhan should’ve known better than to ask for honesty from Oh Sehun. _

 

Luhan was the one who asked, and yet maybe he shouldn’t have. Luhan knew it himself, that he isn’t ready to find out what is true and what isn’t because he doesn’t know how to trust anyone.  _ Luhan doesn’t even trust himself. _

 

But Luhan wants to trust Sehun, because Sehun is nice, and feels like the perfect fit for him despite the baggages that came with his career which he’s learning to set aside. Sehun cares about making sure Luhan doesn’t skip a meal more than he does himself and takes his mind off everything that troubles him with just one touch.

 

However, Sehun is also uncertain. Mysterious even in his own way given that maybe Sehun never planned on telling him about what he did for a living if Luhan hadn’t accidentally found out on his own. Not to mention that, in whatever way Luhan thinks of it, a “relationship” with no label that’s only a month old stands on shaky ground.

 

This,  _ whatever they were, _ has no label. It was fine for two weeks, barely in three weeks, and now it’s been one month and Luhan doesn’t feel safe knowing any day now all this will disappear before he’ll realize it and once it sinks in, he’ll be back to how he was before—maybe even worse.

 

Luhan would know, because it’s already happened before.

 

But it was so easy to lay all his weaknesses bare when it comes to Sehun, and so hard to keep it all inside. So easy to forget how his world is crumbling down in pieces whenever Sehun is around, and so hard to think of how it would be like…  _ without Sehun around. _

 

“What’s on your mind?” Sehun asks. But Luhan shakes his head like his life depended on it. Sehun just nods, hesitance evident in as he does so. “You know you can tell me anything if you want to.”

 

“Maybe…” Luhan trails off. He doesn’t want Sehun to worry when he isn’t at fault. “But you here is enough, I guess.”

 

Sehun’s face quickly morphs into a dumbfounded expression, his lips splitting into a shit-eating grin and muffled chuckles. He cocks his eyebrows upward and says, “Okay.”

 

Luhan doesn’t owe Sehun an explanation, that was what he’d like to think. But it wasn’t as if there was a need to when Luhan doesn’t even have to say anything and it was as if Sehun has him figured out, and if he doesn’t he’d still try to understand.

 

Sehun knows most of Luhan’s flaws and weaknesses, from the faults in his body down to whatever topics he has to avoid so Luhan won’t be ticked off. He knows despite being oblivious to the stories behind each scar because Sehun’s always reassured Luhan that he doesn’t have to trouble himself with anything when he’s under his touch.

 

Luhan wants to believe in Sehun even if he no longer has faith in himself, or their situation either. They were on borrowed time and closed doors. That’s just how they’ll always be because it’s better that way.

 

But what _ really  _ scares Luhan is that he doesn’t know what exactly they are no matter how much Sehun’s words and actions are clear yet confusing at the same time just because Luhan refuses to believe in them.  _ An epitome of a paradox.  _ Sehun just feels like everything, and  _ everything _ is such a vague way to put it but it is what it is.

 

Luhan has lived his life thinking he knows where he is and what he’s doing only to be proven wrong time and again. He knows it’s a dangerous thing to assume. He over thinks too much to a point that his mind would conjure up a whole new world where illusions replace reality and he’s left with feelings that weren’t even there in the first place.

 

It’s why Luhan can’t bring himself to trust his thoughts.

 

_ Were they dating?  _ Luhan thought they were before. Then after giving it much thought, maybe they weren’t after all. But they weren’t friends, that was for sure, Sehun thought it was silly of him to think they were platonic just yesterday.

 

And if they were friends, Luhan wouldn’t be slipping his tongue inside Sehun’s mouth with such vigor. Luhan’s breath still reeked of last night’s release and Sehun’s is too. But they were already way past that stage to even feel embarrassed. Maybe hours later when it wouldn’t matter and Luhan would still prefer the taste of Sehun no matter what form it comes in.

 

_ Are they a fling, then? _ They’ve fucked more than Luhan could count that his heart drops to his stomach whenever he thinks of it because maybe  _ that was just all that they are _ . It was one way to describe it— _ them. _

 

But why does it feel like the term doesn’t fit at all when Sehun’s touch leave ghosts on his skin with each glide of his fingers. One hand takes Luhan’s grip off his shoulders and knits it with his own as he could feel Sehun smile through the kiss with such _ affection. _

 

Luhan could just ask what they think they are and get it over with since Sehun did ask the very same thing yesterday. Twice, even and Luhan couldn’t gratify him with an answer. The way the question slipped off this tongue had been so natural as if he already had an idea on mind. Whatever it was, Luhan couldn’t decipher.

 

Luhan could ask. But things will change for sure. A possible make-or-break situation Luhan would rather put off as long as he can.

 

Luhan wishes so much that they can just go about making out without having the need to unlatch and chase back their stolen breaths, so then dead air wouldn’t be first to try and choke him as soon as Sehun would start talking.

 

“You know I missed you a lot.” Sehun states, like he’s so sure of it. Luhan winces, though he couldn’t help but notice that Sehun isn’t saying that he misses his touch, or getting to have him in ways only he can. It was him,  _ just him _ . “For a week I… I couldn’t even go two days without you that I went out of my way and tried to stay as long as I can even if it was risky… But for a week, I really couldn’t go see you because my managers had me on watch twenty-four seven and I couldn’t contact you at all.  _ It was frustrating. _ ”

 

Luhan doesn’t have a proper response. His mind’s gone blank. His skin’s gone flush. He wants to open his mouth and tell him to  _ stop confusing him. _ But he couldn’t. So instead he says, “You shouldn’t have missed schedules though. You aren’t the only one being compromised.”

 

“I’ll try not to anymore, I swear.”

 

“You don’t try. You do. I swear if I find out you’re skipping out again, I’d change the passcode to my apartment and I’m not letting you in even if you try to break the door down.” Luhan says, the way he says it sounds as if he wasn’t serious.  _ Except that he was, _ though he’d probably let Sehun in after five minutes since his neighbors might check up on them if Sehun ever causes a ruckus, that is in the case that it would happen.

 

“I just really wanted to see you. Is that such a bad thing?” Sehun defends himself, before laughing as if recalling an anecdote. “I even dreamt that I was sleeping next to you and our limbs were tangled together. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up and it was just Chanyeol-hyung. I kicked him off the bed after that.”

 

“You dreamt of me?” Luhan asks, though it was rhetoric. He dreamt of Sehun too. It wasn’t a good dream at all.

 

“Is that so hard to believe?” Luhan closes his eyes.  _ It is hard to believe. _ Sehun adds, “That I wanted to wake up next to you so bad that I had it on my mind even in my sleep?”

 

Luhan closes his mind and tries not to over think beyond what Sehun is saying.  _ Stop. _ Luhan wiggles himself free from Sehun’s grasp, he resists at first but Luhan sends one look at him and Sehun lets go. He doesn’t protest but Sehun watched him move with a curious gaze.

 

Luhan’s legs were unsteady though he doesn’t slip, and he grips carefully on the tiles for balance until he’s standing. He fishes the bottle of lube out of the shower caddy hanging on the curtain pole and settles it at the side of the tub for later before he turns to look at Sehun.

 

“Now?” Sehun eyes him with an incredulous look plastered on his face. Something akin to worry is evident in his expression though that might just be all in his mind.

 

“You don’t want to?” Luhan says, his voice doesn’t falter as if his nerves aren’t going haywire. But Luhan just wants to feel Sehun and it didn’t even occur to him just how desperate he looks like.

 

Sehun is going to say no, Luhan could tell just by the way his eyes are alarming on his. His mind’s probably come to a realization of how inexplicably capricious Luhan is. He’s finally seeing how unstable Luhan is coming off and—

 

“Do you think I’ll ever be able to say no to you?” Sehun speaks, concealing an undertone of something Luhan could not point out. His voice is soft as he says it but it claps loud as it reverberates in his eardrums in silent echoes.

 

Luhan lets go of the breath he did not even realize he had been holding. He lets it go the same time the weight on his chest becomes lighter as every single nerve in his body pulses. Luhan wonders why he could never get used being proven wrong by Sehun.

 

For seconds, Luhan’s jaw is slacked like a fish out of water and he’s fishing for anything,  _ just anything _ that he could throw back as a response like water on gills.

 

“Maybe. You were so cold the last time.” Luhan says,  _ of all things he could’ve said. _ He should’ve bitten his lip harder even if breathing itself is already a struggle. Sehun’s face falls in an instant and he motions for Luhan to  _ come to him.  _ Not without convincing himself to set aside his hesitance, Luhan settles himself in front of Sehun and tangles his limbs with his. The back of Luhan’s knees lays on lean thighs and the side of his calves presses against Sehun’s hips.

 

Sehun speaks, his arms encircling around Luhan’s waist with a loose grip. “I was mad. I wasn’t—”

 

“You were already forgiven.” Luhan cuts him off, though Sehun didn’t look like he planned on letting it go.

 

“I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t think it was right for us to fight when we were clearly both upset with each other. I had to be somewhere else for awhile and we wouldn’t have enough time to resolve whatever we’d be arguing about… But really…” Sehun pauses, his eyes closed. It isn’t so hard to tell that his mind is a storm.

 

Luhan could tell that the fact that they’ve only known each other in such a short amount of time and that maybe it’s impossible for them to actually be anything of importance in comparison to everything else in their lives.  _ It should be impossible _ but it didn’t feel like that at all.

 

It bothered Sehun just as much as it bothered him too.

 

_ Why? _

 

“Does how long we’ve known each other matter?” Sehun asks.

 

“Does it not?” Luhan says, slipping off his tongue easily. It does to him, at least. It should matter even if he thinks Sehun could be an exception.

 

Sehun lowers his head and his voice grows lower though Luhan isn’t sure if he heard right. “Even if it does matter. I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

 

“I’ve literally met you just a month ago.” Luhan clamps his mouth, and it just  _ keeps overflowing with no control.  _ It’s insensitive of him to drop it so casually even if his voice was low like a whisper. He takes a glance at Sehun who’s faced is masked with calmness. Luhan was about to sputter an apology when—

 

_ “I don’t think so.”  _ Sehun states. Luhan blinks, eyes widening with each bat. But Sehun doesn’t dare to look up.

 

“Do you…” Luhan trails off, the question was on the tip of his tongue.  _ So many questions his mind could not comprehend.  _ Sehun looks up, looking expectant of the next words to come out of his mouth. “What are we…”

 

Sehun stares at him as if he’s encouraging him to continue with his gaze. But…  _ no. Not today,  _ Luhan tells himself. He lowers his head and it’s then that he notices that the tub’s almost full, it isn’t filled to the brim and yet it felt like it was a thousand feet deep and it was an uncharted territory that Luhan would rather not submerged himself in just to satiate the questions in his mind.

 

“Lu…” Sehun breaths, and Luhan’s fingers are already drawing patterns on Sehun’s stomach when their lips come in contact once again and Luhan’s grip on Sehun is still tight, but laced with a smidgen of tenderness as if he doesn’t have to hold on too tightly to make himself believe that it really is Sehun in his arms.

 

Sehun is a lifesaver in the middle of the sea of his intoxicated thoughts. A buoy Luhan is clawing with a death grip to make sure he would stay afloat. Someday, he’s going to have to find a way to keep himself from sinking.

 

Luhan wonders why something so perfect can be this uncertain.

 

But even if it’s temporary, Luhan would rather drown in Sehun’s hands while he still can before he has to learn to swim on his own—if not hand-in-hand with Sehun. Although sometimes, when their hands are frantic for a touch and their lips are slotted against each other as if sucking for air to breathe, Luhan would like to think he doesn’t have to let go when Sehun’s holding him in a way that makes him feel  _ everything _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! im trying to churn out chapters with lesser word count but faster updates since i think that might be better than to squeeze everything in lol. so now that i sorted that out, there might be like 3 chapters left before it (sort of) ends. im trying to tie up all the loose ends tho idk where those loose ends are lol. thank you to you who is reading this!!


	8. Eight

There was no other way to put everything that’s happening other than sickeningly sweet and slick as their bodies came in contact in the most beautiful of ways. Luhan couldn’t recall who drained the tub between the two of them when the water sloshed and spilled on the white tiles even with just the slightest of movements that it become a bother. He doubts Sehun would remember either. They were so focused on each other, with each touch is saccharine dripping all over Luhan’s body like the water from the showerhead running in rivulets on his skin.

 

“You’re so perfect.” Sehun whispers, his free hand entangling his fingers on Luhan’s disheveled locks with the other drenched in the lubricant from the bottle tossed hastily on the floor as soon as it was no longer needed. Luhan is failing in not believing in his words as he lets go and relax in the touch, none of the worries he was troubling himself earlier lingering in his mind.

 

This is his haven.

 

When it was all done, their bated breaths fill in the small enclosure of the bath for minutes that Luhan must’ve fallen asleep. Luhan could barely register a few moments of his hair being massaged with shampoo and body lathered with shampoo before Sehun carries him out, towel lazily wrapped around himself with his eyes closed.

 

By the time Luhan is coming down from the high he’s felt from what they’ve done as if waking up from a deep sleep, he blinks at the sight of Sehun’s face concentrated on buttoning him up in his work clothes. Their position, the same as it was when they were at the tub only this time, Sehun’s clothed in a pair of boxers and he was in his work clothes.

 

And Luhan is letting him even if he’d usually tell Sehun off for doing basic things for him like bathing himself and wearing clothes which he could do on his own.

 

_ Feelings are stupid. _

 

“I’m sorry.” Luhan sputters, as soon as the weight of his actions fall down on him. He made Sehun have sex with him so he could forget about how Joonmyun’s call triggered past memories to resurface and he didn’t know how to deal with them.

 

He just used Sehun for his own selfish reasons.

 

Sehun eyes him with curiosity as he buttoned his shirt up for him, “For what?” he asks.

 

Luhan could spot a faint red poking out from one of Sehun’s shoulder blades. Sehun hasn’t dressed up save for a pair of boxers and there wasn’t much blocking Luhan’s view of what he had done on his skin. There was no doubt that his fingernails left lines of red etches at his back. Not enough to leave a scratch, but hard enough to leave a mark. Guilt creeps at his skin fast, as he mentally scolds himself never to let his feelings overtake him as much as it had earlier.

 

But nevertheless, Sehun beams at him as if reassuring him that he didn’t mind. “I’m okay with it.”

 

“You’re okay with it?” Luhan asks.

 

“Yeah. Well, I don’t mind anything as long as it’s for you.” Sehun says, hand caressing on Luhan’s neck, a smirk plastered on his face. “Besides, I like seeing you like this. Hickeys and all.”

 

Luhan looks at Sehun, brows furrowed before taking a glance at the mirror. The sleeves of his shirt unbuttoned and hanging on his shoulders making all the newly bloomed marks visible.

 

“I didn’t put any that your clothes can’t hide. I swear!” Sehun laughs, and not like he minded though he’d rather not let Sehun know so he looks away at the mirror. Luhan slots his chin on the jut of Sehun’s neck so he doesn’t have to see the expression on his face.  _ It’s embarrassing. _

 

“I can wear clothes on my own, you know.” he says instead.

 

“Well aren’t you tired?” It’s a struggle to finish buttoning up until the second to the last button in their position but Sehun manages to do so anyway. “You know after what we did, it’s best you rest up and yet you still insist on going to work.”

 

“I’m not that tired to not be able to work or wear clothes on my own.” Luhan says, his words contradicting the actual situation. It’s amazing how he can still manage to be denial after all that’s happened.

 

Sehun puts both of his hands on Luhan’s shoulders, lightly pushing him backwards so they could see each other eye to eye. “I want to. Let me?”

 

Luhan puts on a stoic expression, “What if I don’t want you to?”

 

“You don’t want me to? I’ll stop then.”

 

“That’s not what I said.” Luhan blurts out. He’s being so obvious. Sehun laughs at that before pinching his nose.

 

“You’re amazing, you know? You keep saying you could do things on your own and yet you give me more reasons to take care of you like this.” Sehun says, letting go of Luhan’s nose.

 

“Oh, please. I only let you do things like this because you want to.” Luhan says, his nose is red. It must be because Sehun pinched it. Though it doesn’t explain why blood was also running up on the rest of his face.

 

“Well you like it too, though.” Sehun defends. “If anything, I purposely act like a kid so you could baby me too. Sometimes you do. But most of the time, you’re the one acting cute and I can’t help but pacify the baby.”

 

“Yah, I’m not a baby.” Luhan retorts. “And I don’t act cute either!”

 

“Aw. Okay, you aren’t one then. No need for tantrums.” Sehun coos, lips pouting as one would to a baby.

 

“Cut it out, Sehun. You’re such a kid.”

 

_ “You like this kid anyway.”  _ Sehun says and Luhan looks away as soon as the words were uttered as though he’s been electrocuted.

 

Luhan hasn’t actually admitted that he liked Sehun to his face (except that one time that he did but Sehun must not have understood since he said it in his mother tongue). Sehun must’ve been shocked with what he said too. Luhan could see his eyes wide open in his peripheral and lips clamped together in a line in his peripheral vision.

 

Despite everything, it’s a curious thing how they could do so many things together and still be awkward when it comes to simple things like feelings.  _ It’s stupid. _

 

Sehun scrambles to grab the towel at his side before realizing it’s nestled on his lap. He uses the towel to dry Luhan’s hair and in that moment Luhan couldn’t see his expression. Sehun coughs, as an attempt to be casual perhaps.

 

“Hurry up. I have to go to work.” Luhan says, an attempt to be casual as well. They slip back into acting like what just happened never did with ease.

 

“Just call your manager to say you’re sick and can’t work.” Sehun says, once he was done in drying Luhan’s hair as much as he can. He says it as quick as he can before dead air could even squeeze in.

 

“I’ve used that excuse too many times. I’ll try to get off work early then, okay?” Luhan looks at Sehun and it’s like he’s been trapped once their eyes met.

 

This should be the moment where one of them untangle themselves because there was no longer a reason for them to stay in this position when he’s all dressed up and time is ticking. But Luhan is looking at Sehun like he isn’t real and he peers through his fringe obscuring his vision. Sehun must’ve sensed his struggle that he sways his bangs away to the side with one hand and tucks it at Luhan’s ears.

 

“I’m not leaving. I’ll be here when you get back.” Sehun reassures him. Luhan breaks eye contact.  _ Fuck.  _ He should stop being so obvious. “I’d prefer it if you don’t leave though. If you want to make sure that I won’t.”

 

Luhan mutters, “I have to go to work.”

 

And  _ still, _ despite Luhan himself saying that he has to move, both he and Sehun don’t move an inch. It’s like they’re trying to drag it on, and drown in each other’s presence as much as they can because they both know tomorrow is a different day and who knows what would happen. They both didn’t expect they’d see each other after one long week. Luhan didn’t even think he’d see Sehun again.

 

But then Sehun hums, breaking the silence and taking Luhan out of his thoughts. “Remember what I told you that night?”

 

“When?”

 

_ “If I tell you to leave, will you?” _ Sehun says.

 

It wasn’t a question. It was a reminder, and Luhan widens his eyes as the memory plays out in his mind. He hasn’t thought of it much but Sehun told him a story so out of the blue. Luhan thought Sehun just didn’t want to answer the question. But maybe he did and Luhan just didn’t understand. The last thing Sehun has said before ending his story repeats in his mind like a broken record.

 

_ “And now, thanks to you. I think I have.” _

 

Something flickers in his mind, an unlikely possibility but the image grows clearer the more that Luhan fights the blur.  If Luhan thinks of it hard enough, he’d get it.

 

It isn’t that Luhan forgot what Sehun said that night—the last night they met up before Luhan found Sehun on a late night show promoting the drama Luhan didn’t know he starred in as a second lead. They just didn’t make sense.

 

“Weren’t you drunk, though?” Luhan reasons. The words were like pieces of a puzzle that Luhan would’ve already solved if he picks the pieces up and assemble them. But he doesn’t want to,  _ not yet. _

 

“I was referring to before that, when you just got to my apartment and we were eating. Now that you mentioned it though, it could be that too since well…” Sehun drags the words out, as if in thought. He then guides both of Luhan’s arms to rest on his bare shoulders for unknown reasons though Luhan doesn’t object.  _ “...In vino veritas.” _

 

_ What is Sehun even saying?  _ Luhan should look it up later though he doubts anything substantial would come up since he isn’t even sure if he heard right. Sehun puts one hand on Luhan’s back and pushes him closer so thighs would rest on top of his own. Luhan crinkles his nose before Sehun leans in close enough to brush his own with his. Their foreheads were touching but Luhan is avoiding eye contact.

 

“Is that Latin?” Luhan says, their lips brushed for a brief moment and he’s certain Sehun felt it when he flinched.

 

Sehun laughs, eyes wrinkled like crescent moons. Ones that are brighter than the sun if anyone would ask Luhan. That’s when Sehun leans in and just  _ presses _ their lips together, warm and soft but long enough for Luhan to be hyper aware of  _ everything. _

 

Luhan barely even registers the next words Sehun says when their lips part with how his mind’s in a haze. “It’s wine, you know? When I kissed you just now. Even from the first time.”

 

“What are you saying…” Luhan says, voice soft and eyes blinking several times. He latches his fingers together and leans back just enough to let himself hang onto Sehun’s neck like…  _ like a monkey _ if he were to be honest.

 

“Try to remember…”

 

“Just tell me. I can’t remember accurately. I was drunk too, it’s been weeks, and you were confusing…” Luhan says, even if he does remember most than not. They just didn’t make sense.

 

“You weren’t drunk ‘til you thought it was a good idea to open a bottle of wine. Come on, do I have to kiss you again just so you’d remember?” Sehun dares. Luhan shoots him a disapproving look, and his back’s still warm and he wouldn’t have noticed if Sehun hadn’t started rubbing circles with this thumb on the surface of his skin.

 

Luhan tries to make sense of what Sehun wanted to say. That night, they ate, Sehun talked about an audition, drank wine, had sex on the living room… drank more wine, had more sex on the bedroom, pillow talk, and Luhan had to make Sehun stop kissing him even if he was the one who ended up wanting more.

 

_ (“Sehun, cut it out. It’s your fault that I’m tired. Let’s just sleep.” _

 

_ “Just one more kiss.” _

 

_ “Let’s sleep.” _

 

_ “Okay.” _

 

_ “I thought you were going to kiss me?” _

 

_ “I thought you wanted to stop, Lu?” _

 

_ “That’s not what I said. I’d bite your tongue if you try to slip it in though.” _

 

_ “I wouldn’t mind.” _

 

_ “Sehun. It’s time to sleep.” _

 

_ “You slipped your tongue in. That wasn’t me. Look who’s hungry for my kiss.” _

 

_ “It’s time to sleep!”) _

 

“Are you just trying to say kissing me is… addictive?” Luhan says, he wouldn’t put it past Sehun to come up with something like it. “That’s so… Where do you even get such cheesy lines?”

 

_ “Ab imo pectore.” _ Sehun says. Latin,  _ again.  _ “And anyway, it’s not like you aren’t used to it. Though, that isn’t exactly what I wanted to say but it can also be that if you want to.”

 

“Talk to me in a language I can understand, then. If you want me to get it.”

 

“Where’s the fun in that, though? Not like you don’t speak Chinese every once in awhile when we’re together. You should take a guess.” Sehun says, unwilling to let go of the small guessing game Luhan never asked to part of. His hand has already travelled to Luhan’s clothed thigh, and he rubs his thumb on the fabric as it inches closer to the waistband of his jeans.

 

Luhan blurts out the first thing that came to mind, "我也是醉了。"

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“Take a guess.” Luhan imitates.  _ Two can play this game.  _ He doubts Sehun even knows what Luhan is saying. Sehun probably doesn’t even know what he’s saying himself either. “I bet you looked up random Latin phrases and remembered only those. Maybe you don’t even know what it means. Maybe you even made those up.”

 

“Well I did look for Latin words and phrases when I was trying to come up with names for Vivi. That I admit.”

 

Luhan sputters, “Vivi?”

 

“Yeah. My other baby, Vivi.” Sehun says. Luhan furrows his eyebrows at that. “My dog?”

 

Luhan scrunches his nose, he didn’t know Sehun has a dog. “You have a dog?”

 

“You didn’t know? I thought you looked me up right after you found out I was an idol.”

 

“Am I supposed to know things about you through the internet now?” Luhan bites back.

 

“Well I mentioned him to you too once before! When you noticed I had a lot of fur on my shirt and I said I just got back from Jungnang when I went to visit my parents.”  _ Oh.  _ Sehun did. Luhan remembers now, it was past midnight and he fell asleep on his couch because he was waiting for Sehun when he mentioned Vivi.

 

“Must’ve slipped off my mind.” Luhan shrugs. Sehun’s fingers has reached the waistband, his hand resting on Luhan’s side as he slides his thumb under the fabric. It stays there. Luhan too, stays still.

 

“I’ll let you meet Vivi soon if you want. Don’t be pouty.”

 

Luhan grits, “I’m not being pouty!”

 

Sehun laughs, “Also don’t look me up online. A lot of things aren’t true, you should just ask me if you want to know anything.” Sehun tells him. Now that Luhan thinks of it, he should take his advice.

 

The times that Luhan did only made him feel so bad that he had to stop midway. When he first looked him up, it was when Luhan started thinking of all the problems that come with being involved with someone like Sehun. Most of which don’t actually exist anywhere but in his mind.

 

Sehun laughs before he adds, “Most people think Vivi is a girl even when I mentioned he was a boy the first time. That should be enough of a reason why you shouldn’t.”

 

“Okay, Sen.” Luhan says, not realizing how the tone of his voice was laced with mock.

 

“Why are you calling me Sen all of a sudden?” Sehun frowns but replaces it with a small smile before Luhan could even catch it. “So anyway, I looked up Latin words and phrases when I wanted to search for names for Vivi. So I do know what they mean.”

 

“What does it mean, then?”

 

“Take a guess.” Sehun challenges, and that’s when Luhan senses that he was just trying to stall him so he would forget that he has to go to work.

 

“Whatever, I have to go to work now.” Luhan says, muscles on his limbs finally mustering up the will to move. But Luhan was only able to unlatch his arms from Sehun’s neck before a hand holds him by the thigh, disabling him from standing up.

 

Luhan blinks at Sehun as if in question.

 

“We should talk later, you know.” Sehun says. Luhan’s hands were resting in between his legs, and Sehun takes one to fiddle with his. Sehun stares at the both of their hands as if it’s the most interesting sight.

 

“Didn’t we already talk last night?” Luhan reminds him. To be honest, he doesn’t have a good feeling about whatever will happen if they do talk. Luhan would rather not.

 

“We talked about why I couldn’t be reached for a week. We haven’t talked about what we were supposed to before that. I’m not yet done explaining. I need to come clean, make things clearer… I just…” Sehun’s voice grows lower and fainter with each flick of the tongue. It’s like he’s running out of words when there was nothing else he could say but,  _ “I just want you to trust me.” _

 

“I know how you are. You don’t speak what’s on your mind so I won’t get upset. But even if you don’t say it. I know you don’t.” Sehun tells him, the hand he had on his thigh crawls up to his waist the same time he clasps their hands together with fingers interlaced. “I know because I do the same too. I was assuming that was what you wanted. For us not to talk about anything that may lead to a fight. I’m okay with it for now. I understand because it’s not your fault. I can wait.”

 

Sehun thought the same unspoken things Luhan thought of too. Even before Luhan found out that Sehun had been hiding his career from him and it was getting harder to not talk anything out that bothered them. They really do share the same thoughts.

 

But even then, what was the point of them to talk? Not like they needed to, it isn’t like there’s a misunderstanding that hasn’t been cleared up or a fight that needed to be resolved.

 

“I said I’m okay with it as long as you don’t lie or hide anything like that anymore. What else is there to talk about?”

 

_ “Us.” _ Sehun says, looking up to stare into his with his eyes fluttering in a delicate manner. “Let’s talk about us.”

 

_ Oh. _ Luhan doesn’t dare catch his gaze. He knows he won’t be able to handle it.

 

“Okay. But later. Stop trying to stall me from going to work.” Luhan surrenders, looking down. Half of his mind’s already coming up with possible excuses for them to push it back.

 

Sehun just laughs, hand still on his waist and the other squeezing Luhan’s own. “Promise we’ll talk later?”

 

“Later.” Luhan mutters, careful not to present the words as a promise.

 

It’s then that Sehun slides his hand from his waist to his back and lift their hands up to the side. Luhan closes his eyes the moment Sehun nuzzles his nose in his cheek as if telling him to look up, so he does and in just a split-second his lips were pressing with Sehun’s and it moves at its own accord.

 

It’s like they were dancing to a waltz with the way their hands were positioned at the side. Their tongues in sync with the silent melody that plays only in their minds. When they’re like this, sometimes Luhan feels like he doesn’t have to worry about anything. It was just the two of them, and even time itself would slow down and make every second count.

 

_ Just one more minute, _ he thinks.   


 

Time ticks once again when breaths could no longer be held and they’d have to part their lips to suck in air to breathe. Their hands fall to their legs and dead air fill in the spaces of the room with each second and Luhan didn’t want them to be awkward so—

 

“My roots are showing.” Luhan voices out, catching a glance of himself at the mirror. His hair’s a light shade of brown and it didn’t look that horrible until he’s taken notice of it.

 

“You still look good, though.” Sehun says before pressing his lips on Luhan’s temple.  _ Stop. _ There really is no escaping Sehun no matter how hard he tries. “Want to skip work so we can have your hair dyed? Don’t you think a shade of silver would suit you? We’d even have similar hair colors. You should let me dye your hair.”

 

“I’m not skipping work.” Luhan says. Sehun laughs, and it’s silent again once it died out.

 

There was nothing left to be said or done anymore to prolong staying the way that they are now. Luhan could just skip work, to be honest and the consequences won’t be that bad. But there’s this feeling piercing his gut telling him not to spend too much time with Sehun because he won’t be around again tomorrow.

 

“Fine. Go to work now before I try to stop you again.” Sehun helps Luhan stand up and untangle themselves from each other and it almost feels unnatural not having the warm body in contact with his in any way.

 

Luhan meant to unclasp his fingers with Sehun when he speaks, “Get breakfast first before you leave? It’s already lunch time but you haven’t eaten anything yet. I actually brought you beef before I came here last night.”

 

“I’ll eat once I reach NiniMart.” Luhan reasons, and he knows that Sehun’s aware that he would most likely forget to. It’s why Luhan thinks Sehun would still insist and not take no for an answer.

 

“I’ll feed you. Let’s eat together. It won’t even take that long. Please?” Sehun pouts, before he beams at Luhan.

“Fine.” Luhan says, not like he would’ve been able to refuse.

 

Their hands were still joined together, and Sehun is one to lead the both of them to the kitchen where he made Luhan sit at the breakfast nook as he navigated from the refrigerator to the microwave where he pops a bowl of rice inside, to the cupboard where the pan is and stove which he turns on. Luhan watches as he reheats the takeout beef on the pan, looking like an expert in the kitchen even if he knows he doesn’t know much about cooking.

 

It’s like Sehun is the one who lives here with how seamless he weaves through his apartment. If he actually thinks of it, and Luhan just stares at Sehun’s back because just yesterday, he was here alone, piece of bread in his mouth as he thinks of just how unaffected Sehun seemed when he looked him up online.

 

Luhan still finds it hard to believe no matter how real everything actually is.

 

_ What are we even, Sehun? _

 

The thought pops up in his mind out of the blue and Luhan shakes his head as he could shrug it off in that way. He shouldn’t even be thinking of such things, he’s twenty-five and there are more important things he should worry himself with. Not to mention that he’s only known Sehun for a month and he’s already thinking about how he wouldn’t mind keeping Sehun for as long as he wanted to stay even if it would be for long.

 

_ What’s stopping him? _

 

Luhan remembers his parents back at the place he once called home, how he knows they’d make him go back someday and he won’t be able to say no when the time comes. How they wish for him to have a nice girl by his side, get married after a few years perhaps once he’s taken over the family business, and teach his future son or daughter to live their life the way his own parents raised him to be without having to deal with them going through a rebellious phase much like he did.

 

But Luhan’s already accepted that something like that isn’t what he wanted, and the only reason he’s letting his parents control him like the puppet that he is was to buy a few more years before he has to face the life that he’s left behind him. That’s just how he is. A coward who can’t be responsible for the sake of what his family wanted.

 

Luhan’s whole life was already planned out, like it always has been from the start before he was even born. There were a set of rules his mind’s unconsciously made so he would never have to go against what everyone expected him to do so. He was indoctrinated to believe  _ this is what he’s meant for, this is what he wanted, this is what he’s supposed to like and what he isn’t supposed to like _ before high school happened and made him open his eyes at the reality of how generally unhappy he was of his life.

 

That was when he made the bold decision to live in a foreign country and start a new life because responsibilities were holding him by the neck in a chokehold that would kill him if he doesn’t escape.

 

“What do you think?” Sehun says, their shoulders brush together taking Luhan out of his reverie. Luhan turns to look at him and the expression he had on his face showed that he didn’t know what Sehun was even talking about.

 

“You weren’t even paying attention? Fine. I’m choosing your hair color then.” Sehun laughs. There was small bowl of rice, some lettuce wraps and a plate full of reheated beef fresh from the pan on the table and he must’ve spaced out so much to not have noticed.

 

“You’re really dyeing my hair?” he says, as if he caught whatever Sehun said while he was distracted.

 

“Only if you want to.” Sehun shrugs,  _ it’s like he only wants what Luhan chooses to do so.  _ Sehun takes a piece of meat from the plate before motioning it to Luhan. “Open up for me, baby.”

 

“I can feed myself, you know? And stop calling me baby,  _ you baby. _ ” Luhan retorts. But even then, Sehun is stubborn in little things Luhan tells him not to do.

 

“I finally got you to call me baby.” Sehun laughs and gestures at the beef he was holding with his hand and Luhan takes it despite insisting that he doesn’t want to, because maybe he’s  _ just as stubborn as Sehun is. _

 

The past few years, Luhan has lived his life convincing himself that all his regrets and broken dreams are  _ nothing serious, _ that his mother changing her mind after convincing his father that they should let Luhan do what he wanted after a few years of him being in Seoul was  _ nothing serious. _

 

That them cutting him off financially if he goes against their wishes for him to start being responsible and go to college to study Business, disowning him and not letting him go back to Seoul if he makes a choice that wouldn’t be for the greater good for the future of their family—that too was  _ nothing serious. _

 

Whenever Luhan becomes hopeful and wish for more than what he currently has, it ends up crumbling down into a tragedy. All of the things he hoped for when he was eighteen, much too young and naive to live alone in a foreign country (but courageous enough to be positive for what is to come next), were now just ghosts of his past even if he was so close in reaching them.

 

It’s why it was so natural for him to think that what he feels is _nothing serious,_ what he and Sehun have is _nothing serious_ —even when it’s so painfully obvious that they are. Still, Luhan convinces himself otherwise, so that when it all comes crashing down the fall won’t be as painful and he won’t have to blame himself for getting his hopes up too high. But it was getting harder to ignore that maybe being selfish, and being hopeful once again won’t be such a bad thing after all.

 

Maybe it’s okay to let himself be happy even if it’s just for now.

 

***

 

_ “If I tell you to leave, will you?”  _ Luhan asked which made Sehun pause and set the chopsticks aside on the table as Luhan waited for his response.   


 

The vibe in the room changed in an instant. It was silent and gone was the carefree ambience they were in just a minute ago. Luhan came to Sehun's apartment because Sehun asked to, and he went because that's just how it always has been between them for  _ almost two weeks  _ since they started meeting each other like this. Maybe Sehun needed a breather and Luhan's question won't be helping at all.

 

It was then that Luhan wished he had bitten the question back at the tongue. But then Sehun began talking before Luhan was even able to take his question back.

 

“You told me before… that it doesn’t matter if I don’t pass the audition.” Sehun started, and Luhan does remember him telling the very same words just a few days ago. He said it because, “It must mean I’m meant for something better because you believe I deserve it.” Sehun purses his lips, and unconsciously bites it as if hesitant if he should keep going. He does. “I keep on wondering if I really do deserve it. But…”

 

“You do deserve it though.” Luhan commented, somehow throwing Sehun offtrack before he managed to pick himself back up right where he left off.

 

“You know… there was an audition I went to before…” Sehun said, and if Luhan had been paying attention enough he would’ve noticed that he was keeping a _ crucial detail  _ out on purpose. “There was this one person who was there. He was really good. The moment I heard his voice I was certain that he’d be the one they’d pick.”

 

“I didn’t get discouraged or anything. But that person, he carried himself with confidence yet he was humble too because he doesn’t seem to be aware of how everyone else in the auditorium practically fell in love with him. His voice was like an angel’s. I looked him up online and found out he played gigs and even acted in musicals. Can you believe a person could be that amazing?” Sehun paused, and there was this fond expression on his face laced with nostalgia, perhaps.

 

“Just… there’s more I could say but words can’t sum it all up. But… every time I feel like giving up, I just think of that person. I want to be somebody. I want to be like that person and have that much passion to reach their dreams.” Sehun’s mouth was agape as he looked at nowhere in particular and Luhan admires just how perfect his side profile is especially in such a serene state.

 

Sehun was stuck in a trance of a beautiful memory as if…  _ Luhan wasn’t around. _

 

Luhan could feel himself growing smaller and smaller, almost insignificant as if he was a third person that doesn’t belong in the scene even if it was just the two of them in the room.

 

_ But why was it even bothering him so much? _

 

Maybe it was because Sehun was someone he’s felt this  _ connection _ with. Something Luhan himself, couldn’t comprehend because it still feels surreal to know that there was someone he knew he could share his pain with without having to actually say it out loud. But there was someone else too, who Sehun considers as some sort of rope to hold onto. Luhan convinced himself that it wasn’t that deep and it shouldn’t matter. Sehun made him feel at ease, he was supposed to make him feel at ease at all times.

 

_ So why was Luhan so bothered? _

 

“And now, thanks to you. I think I have.” Sehun ended. Luhan didn’t even realize that he has spaced out but Sehun was staring at him, and it was like he was urging Luhan to say something. But he didn’t know what to make of it, because his mind’s become conflicted.

 

_ Why was Sehun thanking him? What did Luhan do that was so important?  _ Let him have failed plans of going out on dates that never gets pushed through in exchange of staying in and having sex, share stories in between the warm sheets and be each other’s secret haven when the world is too stressful to deal with?

 

They were more, Luhan knew. But it wasn’t something that can be put into words when Luhan himself couldn’t quite comprehend it just yet.

 

“Don’t thank me. I didn’t do anything. I just really think you deserve it and you still have to pass an audition to do that, you know.” Luhan said. Sehun was searching his face for a reaction perhaps but Luhan kept his face stoic. Sehun looked away and nodded to himself, an internal agreement Luhan doesn’t know of.

 

“I don’t think I need to.” Sehun said, and as soon as he had, Luhan shot him a disapproving look.  _ He can’t just drop such words with such carelessness and distaste.  _ Luhan couldn’t help but be infuriated.

 

“Don’t be stupid. It doesn’t matter if I think you deserve it. It won’t matter if you don’t go and prove everyone else that you do and make it.” Luhan was struggling to keep his voice under control. “Be like that person. He must be successful now for you to have been inspired that much.”

 

Luhan should’ve kept his mouth shut. It was like Sehun’s been popped from an inflating bubble with how fast his expression fell. Sehun turned to look at Luhan before he spoke, “I actually don’t know what he’s up to now. I’m trying to figure it out…”

 

_ Oh. _

 

“Well not everyone has the chance to debut or train under entertainment companies. But I think you can.” Luhan encouraged him.

 

“Some people might be more deserving than I am.” The way Sehun said it made Luhan’s heart drop to his stomach, and it churned like it was being fed in acidic fluids. His words were achingly familiar, because he’s said the same too before. _ Look where he is now.  _ “They deserve it a lot more than I do.”

 

“Don’t be like that. Just do your best.” Luhan isn’t sure if what he would say next would have been of any help no matter how many times he would repeat it. Luhan isn’t like whoever was the subject of Sehun’s inspiration—far from it even. But Luhan still said it anyway because it was what he would’ve wanted himself to hear years ago. “I believe in you.”

 

Sehun was silent before he broke it once he spoke. “Of course, maybe you never really noticed to understand.” Sehun shrugged, the tone of his voice, hinted with mock. “I thought you would’ve gotten it by now if you did. I should’ve known. Silly me.”

 

“Get what?” Luhan could no longer keep his voice under control when it raised an octave higher out of irritation. Luhan couldn’t help it, what has he even said that would make Sehun mad?

 

So many questions yet none would be spoken because they don’t talk about anything problematic. Luhan tried, but Sehun couldn’t even amuse him with a response that would actually answer his question. Luhan could tell that maybe Sehun was just beating around the bush until Luhan himself would not be able to bring the topic back up again.

 

_ It’s frustrating. _

 

“I’m sorry.” Sehun said, and just like that all signs of anguish Luhan has felt were swept away. Sehun then turns to look at Luhan dead in the eye, his hooded eyes not leaving Luhan’s own. In moments like this, Luhan wishes he'd know what the other has in mind. Most of the time, he could never tell. “It’s  _ nothing serious. _ ”

 

Something tells Luhan otherwise, the thought digs deep in the crevices of his mind with no aid for the complacency aching in his brain. A jumbled up jigsaw puzzle he’s convinced himself would be much better if left unsolved.

 

***

 

_ It isn’t love,  _ Luhan would like to convince himself for the most part of his walk to NiniMart and he’s left alone with his thoughts once Sehun was able to let him go and accept that he wouldn’t skip work no matter how much he begs. It was silly for Luhan to think that by being away from Sehun would be of any help in letting his mind rest from thinking about whatever relationship do they even have.

 

If anything, it actually became worst.

 

To be honest, what Sehun said that night after he asked him if he’d leave, if Luhan would ask was beginning to make sense. It was just that, Luhan refused to believe it. There was no way that Sehun actually knew who he was prior to their first meeting. If Sehun had, shouldn’t Luhan have at least recalled any memory he had of him from before?

 

Luhan checked, by the time Sehun entered SM, he already terminated his contract. Unless of course, the information he read online was inaccurate. Still, it’s also important to note that, he just didn’t fit whoever Sehun was describing that night.

 

But maybe he’s just being in denial. Luhan could get it over with and ask Sehun. But of course, he probably won’t. Reality has always scared Luhan more than lies ever could.

 

“You look happy.” Jaehyun greets, once Luhan steps inside the convenience store lacking of customers. He’s manning the register, pencil in his hand with a sudoku book on the counter.

 

“Do I?” Luhan asks, halting his steps. His mind’s conflicted but maybe it shows in his face that he isn’t as troubled as he had been yesterday. He wasn’t exactly doing a great job at hiding his dispirited demeanor the past few days and used being sick as an excuse.

 

Shrugging, Luhan says, “I guess I’ve gotten rid of the cold for good now.”

 

Jaehyun absentmindedly nods before saying, “Manager Kim called me boring awhile ago and I was just counting how many boxes of yogurt drinks we have left like he told me to. Then he left me here alone so he could play LOL at a nearby PC Bang.”

 

Luhan laughs, he could tell Jaehyun’s been bored out of his mind being alone at the shop. Jaehyun pouts, “I think he just misses Baekhyun-hyung. You know he’s just pretending that he hates him. I bet if Baekhyun-hyung suggests he start working here, Manager Kim would be the happiest.”

 

Luhan laughs, he could tell Jaehyun’s been bored out of his mind being alone at the shop. “Baekhyun will be back tomorrow. He’s at Yanggu right now.” he says, just as he spots Jaehyun stifling a yawn. He’s bored and  _ maybe tired too. _ “I’ll take care of the counter. Go sleep at the back room.”

 

“Nah, hyung. I’m sick of counting yogurt drinks at the back room. I can’t stand them. Let’s just play sudoku after you clock in.” Jaehyun waves off. Luhan takes this as his cue to head off to the back room.

 

Once Luhan gets there, he pauses for no particular reason.  _ Something’s different…  _ so he takes a look around the small room and his eyes hover over the whiteboard they have pinned up just for the heck of it. His name was written on it along with a string of messages he hasn’t bothered to check for a while now.

 

_ “Luhan-hyung is feeling under the weather these days. I heard from Baekhyun-hyung he just got back from a fever. ㅠ.ㅠ GO EASY ON HIM HEECHUL-HYUNG. -flowerboy#4” _

 

_ “you think we need more hands? we might as well hire that exo fanboy kid who sticks to him like glue so I can threaten to fire him when he starts screaming the lyrics to Love Me Right at condom boxes again -KHC” _

 

Luhan doesn’t notice the laugh that he lets out from his lips. He recalls turning up at work, head down and absorbed in his own thoughts which must by why it took him this long before he was able to notice what’s written on the whiteboard.

 

Luhan hasn’t mentioned being sick to anyone he works with. He thought it was just obvious in his demeanor, when Heechul mentioned about knowing that he had been sick. He isn’t sick anymore, which must by why it feels like… like everything’s back to…  _ normal. _

 

It felt normal. Calm, even. As if he’s been awakened from a deep sleep, and his muscles have almost forgotten the connection in his limbs that moving is a struggle. It was odd, but not unwelcomed. Despite the unfamiliarity, there was this spark of excitement caused from the desire to break free after so long staying stock-still.

 

Somehow, it was enough for him to keep his head high, and retrieve his pen from his backpack. But before Luhan even has the chance to clock in at work, the door swings open and close halting his movements to check who it is.

 

It’s Jaehyun, leaning his back on the door with an expression a cross of confusion and mild amusement.

 

“Luhan-hyung…” Jaehyun says, voice shaky as if struggling to keep a straight face on. “There’s someone weird who just came in. He said he’s a thief who came to steal…” he pauses, no longer being able to contain his boisterous laughter filling up the room.

 

“Jaehyun, breathe.” Luhan suggests, unsure if he should be amused. Once he stops, a sheepish smile rests upon his lips.

 

”There’s a thief who came to steal a  _ Luhannie Butter Chip? _ ” Jaehyun says, finally able to finish his sentence. Luhan furrows his eyebrows, because he has an idea though he’s hoping that wouldn’t be the case.

 

He motions for Jaehyun to unblock the door. Once he steps aside, Luhan opens the door ajar only by a few inches. Just enough for him to take a peek and his eyes land on the only person inside the store, who was a man of tall built heavily-clad in black.

 

Sehun.

 

Quick as lightning, Luhan shoves the pen in Jaehyun’s hands and strides out of the back room. A few steps away, finds Sehun who has his eyes scanning through the snacks on the shelves. Sehun turns his head over to Luhan for a few seconds once they were standing beside each other. But feigns ignorance even when Luhan is eyeing him warily as if asking for an explanation.

 

“Sehun?” Luhan whispers, making sure Sehun would be the only one to hear it even if it was only the two of them save for Jaehyun in the store. “Why are you here?”

 

“Shopping?” Sehun suggests, not at all trying to hide that he meant it to be tongue-in-cheek. He presents him the orange basket he had in his hand before shrugging, “I needed snacks.”

 

“There’s like three? Five? Convenience stores on the way.” Luhan tells him, unbelief in his words. Sehun only laughs, one muffled with his mask. Luhan furrows his eyebrows and asks, “You walked all the way here?”

 

“Well… yeah. I followed you.” Sehun admits, before pulling the mask down to his chin. He shifts his eyes over to Jaehyun who was eyeing the both of them not so discreetly behind the door of the backroom. Sehun asks, “Can he be trusted?”

 

“Jaehyun? I guess…”

 

“I’m taking you home right now to have your hair dyed. Can he cover for you?” Sehun asks, eyeing him through his wayfarers with a silly grin.

 

_ Of course,  _ Sehun’s here to take him away.

 

“You could’ve just texted.” Luhan hisses.

 

“I still haven’t gotten your number, remember?” Sehun points out.  _ Oh, right. _ Luhan sighs, it’s pointless to argue since Sehun is already here.

 

“You be more careful. People will recognize you.” Luhan warns, though there aren’t any people aside from Jaehyun and the two of them in the store. It isn’t needed either, because Sehun is covered from top to bottom and nothing but his hands and a small part of his face is exposed with how much effort he’s put to disguise himself.

 

Sehun cocks his head to the side, “How careful do I have to be?”

 

The bell hanging on the door rings prompting Luhan to flinch with blood pumping his chest in panic. Jaehyun emerges from the back room and goes to man the counter. Luhan’s hands act at its own accord when he nudges Sehun— _ who had managed to put the basket on his head in the few seconds Luhan looked away.  _ Luhan has no time to tell him off as he leads him to the back room. He’s breaking protocol but it isn’t like his own manager isn’t by skipping work to play League of Legends.

 

“Yah, what are you doing?” Luhan asks, as soon as he’s shut the door. He takes the basket off from Sehun’s head himself and crosses his arms.

 

“You told me to be more careful.” Sehun answers, taking the sunglasses off to hang on the jacket’s neck and flip the baseball cap backwards. He rips the tugged down mask completely ridding all that’s concealed his face. “No one’s going to recognize me with a basket over my head.”

 

“I don’t normally go out covered this much just as a disguise, you know?” Sehun tells him, crossing his arms though there’s a small smile on his lips. “What else do I have to do so you won’t be so paranoid when we’re outside?”

 

“Maybe if I actually knew you’d follow me here I wouldn’t be this shocked?” Luhan sputters, though he actually isn’t. When he saw Sehun minutes ago, deep inside he expected it to have happened. He just didn’t think it actually would.

 

Sehun smiles and says, “Come back home with me?”

 

It isn’t even a question that can be answered with a no anymore. So Luhan tells him to wait before heading out the door.

 

When Luhan gets out, whoever entered the store already left and Jaehyun’s back to solving sudoku puzzles on the counter. Once he takes notice of Luhan, he sends him a knowing look, a teasing one like knew knows what was up.

 

Luhan’s face falls, as soon as a thought flashes in his mind, one which he should’ve thought of sooner.

 

Jaehyun might’ve recognized Sehun.

 

“Is he your boyfriend?” Jaehyun asks, wiggling his eyebrows. Luhan visibly fidgets, though he tries to keep his cool.

 

“He isn’t.” Luhan answers, not doing a very good job at convincing him. He searches Jaehyun’s face for any indication that he’s recognized who Sehun was. It doesn’t seem like he did, much to Luhan’s relief.

 

“Hm. Is he a thief, then? A kidnapper?” Jaehyun laughs to himself. “Just go clock out already, hyung. I think I now know why you were happy when you got here.”

 

That was easier than he thought.

 

Sehun was already out of the back room when Luhan planned on going back so they could leave. He’s clad back in his disguise save for the sunglasses he kept tucked on his jacket’s neck and with the face mask tugged down on his chin.

 

Sehun gestures his head over to the glass double-doors at Luhan. His steps are big until stands just by the umbrella stand and waits for Luhan to wave a quick goodbye and thank you over to Jaehyun before they both step out of NiniMart together.

 

They’re outside now, and there are people out on the streets and Luhan’s fighting the urge to run as far as he can from Sehun in fear that they’d get caught even if they were just standing side-by-side outside of the convenience store.

 

“Let’s go?” Sehun says, taking Luhan out of his thoughts. He starts walking at a slow pace as if waiting for Luhan to catch up and walk beside him. Despite his hesitance, he urges his feet to move. The faster he walks, the sooner they’ll get back to his apartment where no one would see them.

 

“Luhannie Butter Chip?” Luhan asks, voice laced with mild cringe once he was beside Sehun.

 

“That’s a late reaction.” Sehun remarks, an undertone of a chuckle evident. “They say it’s hard to find. I beg to differ though, I found one at NiniMart.”

 

“You’re embarrassing.”

 

Sehun shrugs, “Only for you.”

 

They turn at the sidewalk leading to a narrow one-lane road where there’s less people that can be counted with one’s hands. Luhan feels less anxious now, though it does little to no help in calming his nerves. Sehun’s knuckles brush on Luhan’s palm as if invitation, but he flinches and hides his hand inside the pocket of his jeans.

 

Luhan isn’t sure if he heard it right when Sehun sighs.

 

Nevertheless, Sehun still speaks after a few seconds of silence.

 

“Remember this?” Sehun asks, and Luhan turns to look at him, who was gently shaking an umbrella in his hand.

 

It was the same navy blue umbrella they shared when Luhan first met Sehun.

 

With a smile Sehun says, “Let’s hold it together?”

 

There’s not a single droplet of rain in danger of falling from the sky. The sun’s glare isn’t even present enough to be felt. The weather’s perfectly fine, with absolutely no need for an umbrella. But Sehun pushes it up, and holds it up with his left hand.

 

Sehun waits expectantly, and with hesitance, Luhan does the same with his right hand until their fingers are slotted together. It takes a moment for them to arrange their hands together in a position they’re comfortable in that they slowed down for a few seconds just fumbling through their fingers. But once they have, they stay there and continue walking at a normal pace.

 

They’re holding hands through the umbrella handle.

 

They’re outside.

 

But Sehun’s fingers are warm against the back of his hand, the knobs on their wrist are bumping, and it feels too nice that Luhan doesn’t have it in him to retract.

 

“I like you, you know?” Sehun suddenly says, catching Luhan off guard. It slips off Sehun’s tongue so easily, like it’s natural and that he should get used to random confessions much like this. Luhan would’ve halted his steps if it hadn’t been for Sehun squeezing his hands as if reminding him to keep up with his strides as he has slowed down upon hearing the words from Sehun.

 

“I know that last night, I made you say that you know and believe that I do. I even mentioned why I would and when I did… But I’ve never said it like this so I just wanted to let you know…” There’s a dip in Sehun’s voice, as if there’s hesitance because Luhan hasn’t moved a muscle in his face to show even just a sliver of emotion.

 

Nevertheless Sehun still says, “I like you, Lu. I like you a lot.”

 

“Do you know me from before?” Luhan blurts out before his mind could even register that he’s said it out loud. His eyes fly open upon realization and he bites his lips on instinct.

 

“What makes you ask that?” Sehun says, throwing the question in a nonchalant manner.

 

“Gut feeling…” Luhan uses as an excuse. He looks down and stares at the rundown orange bricks paved on the sidewalk. His eyes run off to Sehun’s shoes, brand new and most likely expensive. Much like ones Luhan used to collect when he was young, foolish, and depended on his parent’s money thinking it’s one of the few things he can ask from them anyway.

 

Luhan doesn’t do that anymore though, seeing as how worn out the pair of sneakers he’s clad in. He owns better pairs but the ones he’s wearing feel comfortable on his feet. The contrast between his and Sehun’s are stark but Luhan tries not to think too much of it.

 

_ They’re just shoes. _

 

Sehun tightens his hold on the umbrella, his fingers overlapping on his much more than it had been earlier before he speaks, “You know, the morning after  _ you think first met me _ , I was going to leave but deep inside I already knew I was going to go back.”

 

It doesn’t answer Luhan’s question. But he takes note, of how he laid out the words as if there’s something more to it that Luhan has to figure it out on his own. It’s enough for now, he supposes. Not like he was ready to know.

 

But then Sehun continues, “When I went out of your apartment, I thought it would take me days before I’d try to knock on your door again. Maybe even weeks, months. Then when I was going to shut your door I realized I left my umbrella and that was it. That was my excuse to go back, and you know what?”

 

Luhan waits, and tries to distract himself by counting his steps and estimating how long it would be before he reaches his apartment building. Maybe five more minutes, he isn’t so sure.

 

“I saw you there sleeping peacefully on the bed. Like an angel and you were grasping on the sheets as if trying to replicate how you held me when I woke up.” The way Sehun says it makes Luhan wonder if it really is him that he’s talking about. Sehun talks like he’s ethereal when he isn’t. “I didn’t want to leave but I had to be somewhere else. I stared for minutes and I just… started imagining things like what if I stayed on that bed until you wake up? What if I get to stay for breakfast?”

 

Luhan keeps his eyes down on the side road before them, on their feet walking in sync—anything else that isn’t his beating heart, or trembling hands. He can’t tell if Sehun’s noticed his current state.

 

Sehun squeezes his hand, “You just felt like home. I knew there was no way I was going to leave without trying to go see you again for a second time. So I took your number and forgot to take the umbrella. By then it was already clear to me that this umbrella wasn’t what I came back for.”

 

Luhan doesn’t know how to react. He could barely even admit that he likes Sehun to himself. But here Sehun is, saying such things so easily. Something Luhan has never learned to do. Whenever Luhan tries, nothing that ever comes out of his mouth could even capture what he wanted to say.

 

“You thought all of that just by looking at me sleeping?” Luhan says, nonchalant like it didn’t affect him at all in any way.

 

“Not exactly. You know I thought then… this saying that says,  _ ‘when a door closes, another one opens?’ _ ” “I was holding on the doorknob and thought, ‘Hey, I haven’t closed the door. I haven’t missed my chance right?’, so I went back in.” Sehun adds, “To be honest, even when I was dressing up to go I already wanted to stop myself from leaving.”

 

“I should thank this umbrella then?” Luhan jokes, as an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere. His stomach’s churning and he doesn’t even notice his nails are digging on Sehun’s skin until he feels a thumb rubbing on his hand, prompting him to loosen his grip.

 

“The way we started, it’s kind of unreal. Like it’s something that doesn’t happen in real life. But it did to us and maybe we took things way too fast the next days that came after.” Sehun pauses. “But sometimes… why doesn’t it feel like that at all?”

 

Sehun stays silent after that. Luhan can’t help but think that he knows exactly what Sehun was trying to say.  _ Fast,  _ because of the things they do when they’re together aren’t things they’re supposed to do with someone they just met.  _ Fast, _ because of how quick Luhan has let his feelings develop and trust almost blindly despite all his issues.

 

But it was also slow, because he knew there was a point when they just stopped and stayed still.  _ Slow, _ because they both don’t talk about what they are and maybe it’s because they don’t know.  _ Slow,  _ because there are certain moments that feel longer than they really are.

 

Just like now, it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since he’s been with Sehun but it was as if it’s already been days with how at ease he feels—like there’s nothing wrong. If Luhan thinks of it, none of the issues he has by being with Sehun can compare to the issues he wrecks over when he’s alone.

 

Sehun just takes his mind off things, like he wouldn’t judge Luhan for anything that he’s done or will do despite not knowing. He can take all of Luhan’s worries away with just his presence. He still thinks Luhan looks amazing despite having seen everything. He doesn’t ask or say anything when he can tell Luhan would feel uncomfortable. He even cares about Luhan’s wellbeing more than he himself does.

 

Sometimes, Luhan thinks he can just start screaming like a madman with no reason at all and Sehun would just be there to give him a hug and whisper that he’s here for him.

 

There’s so much on the tip of Luhan’s tongue and now that he thinks of it, he hasn’t even done or shown anything about how grateful he is for all that because he was too busy thinking about how much he doesn’t deserve to have someone like Sehun in his life and started questioning his sincerity because of his doubts.

 

But Luhan’s not good with this, talking about what’s on his mind and what he feels. He’s always struggled to translate what he wanted to say with words. It’s no easy task when he knows he’ll end up saying things he might regret. The time isn’t even that good given that they’re outside and Luhan can’t think with a straight mind with everything that is going on. Maybe later, when he’s capable of sorting out his thoughts.

 

So Luhan cuts the topic short and says, “You said you were going to dye my hair?”

 

Luhan could tell that Sehun’s taken aback by the sudden change. But he doesn’t try to bring the matter back up.

 

“The color’s a secret. You okay with having it bleached though?” Sehun says.

 

Luhan nods, “Do you even know how to dye hair?”

 

“Sometimes I dye my own hair. Of course I do.” Sehun reassures him. “Don’t worry, even if it turns out bad, you’re still handsome, gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, hot—”

 

“Don’t mess with my hair!” Luhan reprimands before Sehun gets any ideas.

 

“Okay.” Sehun coos, sticking his face close to Luhan’s so he could nuzzle his hair. He’s caught off guard with the gesture but Luhan still manages to nudge Sehun with his shoulder to remind him that they’re outside.

 

“Stop being so careless…” Luhan hisses.

 

Sehun shrugs, “I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry. I just missed you is all.”

 

_ It isn’t love, _ Luhan convinces himself once again as they walk in silence. It’s too early to call it that, even if most of the things they’ve gone through in just a matter of a month are a lot considering the time frame. But it was getting harder to convince himself, when the thought of having to let go of the umbrella once they reached the crosswalk and the sight of his apartment building grew bigger in his vision with each step was a dreadful thought in his mind.

 

Once they’ve finished crossing the white lines, they stop at the sidewalk so Sehun could close the umbrella before they have to enter his apartment building. Luhan tries not to think about how his hand already feels empty with the absence of warmth in it.

 

Sehun had been the one to press on “7” once they were inside the elevator and it closes with only the two of them inside. There isn’t even anybody else but the two of them inside the elevator compartment. But Luhan’s mind is gnawing in fear that someone might see them together. They aren’t even doing anything, they’re just standing side-by-side yet Luhan can’t help but feel paranoid.

 

_ Just a few more minutes,  _ he thinks, before he can let his mind rest once they reach his front door. Luhan can only be at ease once they’re inside the confines of his apartment.

 

When the elevator stops three floors later, Luhan flinches. Sehun steps aside, and leans on the metallic wall on the other side. Sehun tugs his cap down as he looks on the floor and pulls his mask up to conceal his mouth. They’d appear to be strangers to whoever would enter once the doors would open.

 

The effort is unnecessary but it’s what Luhan would’ve wanted anyway.

 

The elevator doors open up seconds later, and a girl most likely in her teens or early-twenties step inside. She had a face mask on which she pulls down her chin once she takes a glance at Luhan’s face.

 

Her eyes fly open as if in mild surprise, “Oh. It’s you!” she says, pointing at Luhan. The doors close and the elevator resumes climbing up.

 

Luhan furrows his eyebrows with a questioning look on her face. Pointing to himself he says, “Me?”

 

“You don’t recognize me?” she asks. Luhan looks at her face blankly and notes that a face like hers would be hard to miss. He couldn’t deny that she was a pretty face, a familiar one at that but Luhan could not point out where.

 

“Ah. We talked before here at the elevator, I asked where the gym floor is like a week ago?” she tells him.

 

Oh. Luhan recalls now, when he went to the basement parking lot when Sehun left his jacket and phones with him. That time, she was wearing a jacket with his university logo on it, hair disheveled and messed up as though as if she hasn’t washed them for days.

 

It would be hard to recognize her, wearing a short dress with her honey blonde hair tied up in a bun under a cap with a ‘D’ smack dab at the middle. A  _ Doosan Bears _ baseball cap. Luhan recognizes it because Sehun’s worn a cap like that before, last time he’s worn it was when they went out to the Han River and Sehun stayed in his car the next morning.

 

“Ah. I remember now. Hello.” Luhan says, offering a smile.

“I’m heading to the gym.” she tells Luhan, the tone of her voice bubbly. “We should work out some time if we bump each other at the elevator by accident again.”

 

Sehun coughs, prompting the both of them to look over his direction. Luhan isn’t sure if he did it on purpose, or what its purpose would serve anyway if it had been intentional. Luhan shrugs it off, and takes his eyes off Sehun before the girl does. She doesn’t seem to have recognized him, though.

 

“Maybe.” Luhan says, just to amuse her though he doesn’t really mean it. She just smiles, and no one makes an effort to talk anymore after that when she presses on the number “22” but then presses on “10” just as quick.

 

The girl has her back on them and out of her line of vision when Sehun pries for his hand, uncaring that they aren’t alone. Luhan didn’t even notice Sehun inching closer to him, Luhan hides swings his arm behind his back in avoidance. But Sehun still manages to clutch at his hand and Luhan can only be slack-jawed as he stares at Sehun who had a sly tight-lipped smile upon his lips.

 

In that moment, Luhan thinks about how he has to get used to this— _ hiding. _ It’s nothing he isn’t used to, though. But considering Sehun’s reputation, one mistake would lead to his downfall. Luhan knows from experience, that nothing good ever happens once people would find out.

 

Luhan doesn’t have high hopes, it’s selfish for him to even let Sehun stay knowing that there’s so much to risk. But he doesn’t want to push Sehun away anymore,  _ not yet at least. _ He’ll wait for Sehun to realize it himself. Until then, Luhan wants to let himself live in the present.

 

It’s selfish, because there isn’t much left to risk on Luhan’s side anyway. Whatever happens, Luhan’s already given up on everything he ever held on to. Things he used to love, were things of the past. There was nothing that genuinely gave him the will to go on. He only had vices to somehow remind him that he was still alive.

 

Before Sehun, Luhan wasn’t living, he was merely waiting for something to happen. So that no one, not even himself, would blame him for ceasing to exist if something does happen.

 

So what’s there left to lose for him, anyway?

 

That’s why it’s so selfish for Luhan, to let Sehun hold his hand. Between the two of them, it’s Sehun who has much more to lose. But he’ll try his best not to drag Sehun down into his own mess without having to let go of his hand— _ for now, at least. _

 

With all the thoughts in Luhan’s mind, he doesn’t notice that his phone’s vibrating in his bag. He doesn’t know that Zitao’s sent a couple of messages despite refraining from doing so because he’s currently out of the country.

 

_ sending u gege’s new num if u want to block it. told him ur dating someone… he doesn’t believe me. i hanged up on him after lol. _

**12:34**

 

_ idk when he’ll be back but def next month idk how long he’ll stay probs a week. _

**12:34**

 

Luhan won’t be able to read them until tomorrow morning. Not like it should matter anyway. Luhan has been living in his past for years and he’s sick of looking back and pretending that he’s okay with living the way that he is now. Letting himself be with Sehun isn’t perfect, because being with Sehun equates to hiding from the public eye, being with Sehun means betting his heart on something uncertain, and being with Sehun will always make him be constantly reminded of all his broken dreams in the past because he’s living proof of someone who’s reached what Luhan never had.

 

But being with Sehun also makes him happy,  _ more than Luhan has let himself for years, _ and maybe that’s the only thing that matters.

 

So the messages are left unread inside his phone’s inbox as Sehun squeezes his hand and lets go when the elevator doors open on the seventh floor. Luhan exchanges smiles with the blonde girl as he steps out of the compartment, and once it closes. Sehun quickly takes his hand back, as if it’s only right to do so, right after looking around to check if anyone would see them.

 

The phone vibrates again, Luhan notices this time but pays no heed to it as he walks hand-in-hand with Sehun until they reach his front door.

 

_ he mentioned that he plans on showing up at ur door unannounced. isn’t it dumb that he told me? he knew i was going to tell u anw. _

**12:35**

 

_ lol i told him u weren’t waiting for him to show up at ur door anmr. he fucking closed it anw and that u’ve moved on but he doesn’t believe me. change ur passcode ge i feel like he ain’t kiddin. _

**12:36**

 

_ didn’t want to say this thru text but i don’t want u to be shocked if he goes to see u. fuck i think he might even try calling u rn. he prolly still think u 2 r still tgt lol. block it i’m gon text it to u wait. _

**12:36**

 

Luhan watches Sehun pins in the four-digit number on the digital lock as though he lives in it already.

 

“What’s the meaning behind your passcode?” Sehun asks out of the blue. Luhan doesn’t notice how his face fell immediately with the question. He didn’t even bother to conceal the frown as he remembers the first time he kept the passcode.

 

_3267._ An anniversary. The first three numbers a timestamp, 3:26 AM and if added together, the eleventh month as well. The last number, the day it fell on.

 

For a moment, it’s like he’s back to 3:26 AM on a November 7, 2008. On the mattress lying on the floor (he didn’t have a bed then), they were side-by-side and staring at the ceiling. There’s a distance between them but their shoulders were touching, as if they hadn’t done anything they’ve both tried to resist all those months before.

 

But despite the awkwardness, they were coming up with what his new passcode should be after deciding to let Yifan come in and out of his apartment as a gift of some sort because he didn’t have anything materialistic to give the day before when it was his birthday.

 

Luhan was young. They were young. _ It wasn’t a big deal.  _ They’ve had drinks hours prior but not much. Things escalated, and by the time they’ve decided on a passcode, they became official.

 

Luhan should’ve changed it the past few years. But he stuck with it anyway, he could imagine it’s something else anyway. Like Minseok’s birthday and his favorite number combined together.

 

“You should change it.” Sehun suggests, casually dropping the idea though there’s this hint of hostility in his words. Luhan can’t tell why Sehun would ask him too. It must be because of how Luhan froze, and stayed silent despite the question directed at him.

 

It’s not like Luhan hasn’t moved on. Just that he’s conditioned himself to be indifferent and keep his mouth shut when it comes to that time of his life.  _ It’s not a big deal.  _ Before Luhan could even register the change of mood, Sehun musters up a smile, so he does the same thing and sends one back.

 

Luhan’s phone vibrates once again as they step in, and take their shoes off by the door. As he had been doing the past few minutes, he ignores it.

 

_ he’s stupid it’s been three years ofc u’ve moved on. not like u hated or stayed mad at him in the 1st place since u thought everything was ur fault even if it wasn’t??? i wished u did tho u’ve always been too nice for ur own good. _

**12:38**

 

_ u have moved on rite? _

**12:38**

 

_ i’m kind of pissed rn. u know how i am when i’m mad. i should shut up now. i’m sorry. _

**12:38**

 

_ ahh he’s calling again i’m gonna get back at u after dis. _

**12:39**

 

***

 

The two cups of coffee Sehun made last night, lay lone and untouched on the table. They never got to drink it given how they ended becoming preoccupied drowning in each other’s touch.

 

Just like how they ended up once they got inside the apartment.

 

Well not exactly that, when Luhan sat down on the couch, he meant to check his phone to check why his phone had been vibrating several times minutes prior and possibly wait for Sehun while he goes to prepare his hair dye equipment, perhaps. Since that was what they planned on doing anyway.

 

But of course, Luhan was only able to take a glance at his screen where a “Tue, September 29” is placed under the “12:43 PM” on the lockscreen before his phone was tossed somewhere on the couch. Somehow, Sehun ended up with the phone digging and vibrating on his back as he lies down, with Luhan was on top of him and they were making out like teenagers.

 

At this point, they should’ve been sick of the excessive intimacy and spontaneous liplocks. But they aren’t, because it helps fill in the silences meant for talking. It was Sehun who offered to talk, and they both know that there are still things that aren’t clear between the two of them— _ like what they actually are. _

 

But with the way Sehun is kissing him, it’s like this was what he meant by talking.

 

The phone’s been vibrating for minutes now, but they both ignore it in exchange of each other’s lips.

 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Sehun bursts out when they pull away to breathe, with the phone still vibrating on his back. He fishes it out from the couch as Luhan inhales a deep breath with his eyes closed.

 

“Hello?” Luhan hears him, he attempts to get off and unlatch himself from Sehun to sit down properly. But Sehun grabs his arm to stop him from doing so. “No. Who are you?”

 

Luhan decides on letting his chin rest instead on Sehun’s chest.

 

“His boyfriend?” Sehun sputters, almost angrily and Luhan opens his eyes at that.  _ Fuck.  _ “What if I am? Should I ask him?”

 

That’s when Luhan comes to his senses and realizes it’s his phone in Sehun’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some terms:  
> in vino veritas = there is truth in wine  
> ab imo pectore = from the bottom of my heart  
> 我也是醉了 = literally translates too "i'm drunk, too" but it's supposed to mean something to show "exasperation or contempt for something you find ridiculous" but luhan also used this as a response to sehun saying something about wine and kisses lol
> 
> so like i made a longass explanation note of this whole thing which i'll post along with the next chapter which would be the last for first arc. c-': so if anyone has questions, comment them so i can try to see what i can do to make it less confusing. ;A; yeah HAHA, uhm. just to be clear, the next chapter isn't exactly the end. just the first arc, since there is a second arc lol. i planned on posting the second arc as a separate story at first, like a sequel but decided against it because i cant come up with another title lol. i'm going to try and see if i can update before the year ends tho im not sure HAHA. but anw, thank you for reading this!


	9. Nine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have once again forgotten to update over here owihfwiefh anyway: i'm copying this note from aff, i'm going to be honest and say i didn't try that hard enough to make this a decent update. it's been around 11 months since i last updated and i just wanted to have this up to see if anyone will still be around to read this, i don't really know how to explain myself but i'm sorry ;;;;; it was hard to work on something that's been in my drafts for more than a year already but i tried and maybe i'll never be done with it if i don't try to finish it as soon as i can. there will be one more (maybe even two if it gets too long but there aren't much left tbh) before it (sort of) ends, i have a lengthy explanation note of the whole fic written over a year ago, i'll have it up along with the final. i'm sorry and thank you to anyone still reading this ;;;;;;

Falling into a routine is scary. _At least,_ it is to Luhan. Routine meant having to get used to something and letting it be a part of his everyday life. In the past month, being with Sehun has become a part of Luhan’s routine. There hasn’t been a day where he doesn’t send a message to contact him and even the first thing that he does in the morning is check if he’s gotten anything from Sehun lying in his phone’s inbox.

 

Just like that, Sehun was able to weave himself seamlessly into his life. Albeit, they were each other’s secret. And the more time they spend together, the more in danger they are to being caught by the people around them.

 

But Sehun isn’t just someone Luhan can tell other people about. Sehun _shouldn’t_ even have Luhan’s phone resting on his ear and answering his call for him.

 

“That’s my phone.” Luhan hisses, attempting to snatch the phone from Sehun’s grip. Only Sehun dodges and unlatches himself from their position to sit up straight. Luhan complies by nestling his head on the cushion. He doesn’t bother to try and get his phone back anymore.

 

_Surely,_ Sehun wouldn’t be rash enough to expose himself.

 

“Yeah. Luhan’s with me.” Sehun says, brows furrowed. He glances over at Luhan with uncertainty. “Ah. No, no. He can talk.”

 

Sehun purses his lips and the trembling of his hand clutching the phone doesn’t escape from Luhan’s vision. It is with a slow movement, that Sehun detaches the phone from his ear and over to Luhan’s direction. Luhan could only stare at Sehun with an unspoken question.

 

Who is it on the other line?

 

“Baekhyun,” Sehun mouths.

 

_What the fuck._

 

“Oh shit,” It’s Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun, _of all people_ who could’ve possibly called.

 

Luhan takes the phone with quick fingers. He hasn’t even said a single word and his ears were already bleeding with how loud Baekhyun is screaming from the other line.

 

Sehun eyes at him with worry. Luhan is shaking but he tries not to make it too obvious. Baekhyun rambles, not letting Luhan speak. “Luhan, dear! Who the fuck was that? I can’t believe you! Is that why… Fuck, I don’t—He sounds like… like Se—”

 

“Calm down, Baekhyun.” Luhan interrupts, shutting his eyes close. Luhan’s phone vibrates in his hand. It’s from Zitao, but he can barely even notice it with how fast his heart is beating in his chest.

 

_why is ur line busy?? pls call me ASAP… i have to tell u something_

**13:10**

 

Luhan has his teeth were chewing on his lower lip as if he was biting back words despite not having no idea what to say. What else is there left to say anyway?

 

This was it.

 

“Like sex, dear! He sounded like sex!” Baekhyun says.

 

_What?_ Luhan opens his eyes, dumbstruck.

 

“Why didn’t you—I asked if he was your boyfriend? Then he only challenged me saying ‘What if I am? Should I ask him?’ It sounded so hot!” Baekhyun squeals, Luhan had to move his phone a few inches away just so his eardrums won’t break. “Do I know him? Who is he?”

 

Sehun is still looking at him. Time stops when Luhan drifts his eyes over to Sehun’s own in contact.

 

“The one who picked up?” Luhan’s nerves have gone haywire, but he tries to keep a straight voice on and says, “He’s someone that I like.”

 

Time ticks once again. Sehun’s eyes widen, blinking once, twice, as if asking Luhan if it’s him even though he couldn’t possibly be talking about anyone else other than him. There’s no one else in the room except the two of them and yet Luhan feels as if the _world_ is watching him. Maybe it is, but Luhan doesn’t look away this time because he couldn’t have wished for anything more than seeing himself in Sehun’s eyes knowing that they’re both seeing each other eye to eye.

 

Luhan expected for Baekhyun to ask for more questions, but all that he says is, “I just called to tell you that I’m on a bus heading back to Seoul and I was going to drop by later. But never mind that! I’m hanging up. Have fun with your new boo! I’ll see you tomorrow in class, you better be there! You have some explaining to do, darling!”

 

The line dies after Baekhyun hangs up. Luhan brings the phone down on the seat and Sehun didn’t ask, but Luhan still says, “Joonmyun is just a friend. Do you believe me now?”

 

There is a pause. Luhan’s heart’s beating so much even when everything else is calm on the outside. The place looks exactly as it looked like last night, the two cups of coffee still lay untouched on the table in front of them, and the note’s that haunted him for the past week is crumpled on the floor forgotten. _Nothing has changed. Nothing’s gone wrong. Nothing serious has happened. Sehun is here. Everything’s fine._ Luhan’s phone vibrates once again, pressed snugly on the side of his ribcage.

 

“Well, you never actually made it clear.” Sehun says it nonchalantly, but the smile he couldn’t stop from forming on his lips shows otherwise. That was easier than expected.

 

It’s a relief.

 

Luhan breathes out and can’t help but let out a chuckle, “Of all people, Kim Joonmyun. Really?”

 

Sehun could only laugh, “It was hard to believe. When I saw you two sleeping on the couch being cuddly and all. Then I even heard him confess to you. He even took care of you better than I did when you had a fever.”

 

“We weren’t being cuddly.” Luhan clears up, “And he’s not the one that I like.”

 

“And who is the one that you like then?” Sehun fishes, voice laced with playful teasing.

 

"You." Luhan says, exaggerating his puckered lips as he says the word.

 

They both smile at each other. It already feels so normal, as if it’s something Luhan should get used to. Sehun’s eyesmile burns so bright in his eyes, how could Luhan ever get used to something like this when it still makes his heart feel so much?

 

“This is one reason why I never intended to leave you like you thought.” Sehun says, caressing Luhan’s cheek in his hand. “You’re too precious.”

 

“I’m not.” Luhan isn’t precious at all, he could never understand why he has the privilege to have Sehun pull him close right now back to their previous position and hold him as if he’s never going to let go.

 

“You are though.” Sehun slots his chin on Luhan’s neck, their legs are now tangled and there is nothing more comforting than the feeling of Sehun’s arm squished between him and the sofa's backrest. “How could someone like you even like someone like me?”

 

“You got it wrong.” Luhan scrunches his nose. _It’s the other way around._

 

The moment still feels so unreal. Maybe this is all just a dream, just the thought makes Luhan’s insides twist with knots.

 

“It’s the first time that you said that, you know?” Sehun points out, Luhan could actually feel the rhythmic beat from Sehun’s chest in his. Sehun’s breath is warm and his lips brush ever so slightly on Luhan’s hair as he speaks, “That you like me.”

 

“Is it a big deal?” Luhan says with nonchalance, as if he didn’t have a hard time saying those words out loud. “It’s not like you didn’t know that I do…”

 

“I do know but hearing it is nice.”

 

“I have before.” Luhan admits, “You just didn’t understand because I said it in my mothertongue.”

 

“What?” Sehun pauses, as if trying to recall when and where it happened. “Fuck… when did you?” Sehun asks. Luhan could only shrug and smile to himself. “What else have you said… I need to study Mandarin more then. Can you teach me?”

 

Luhan shakes his head, “If I teach you, I’d be exposing myself. I’d rather not.”

 

The phone vibrates once again, Luhan does not bother to check what it was. Sehun rambles, “That doesn’t count. It’s no fair. I was the one who said it first because I didn’t understand you when you told me. I still said it first.”

 

“Is this a contest?” Luhan laughs.

 

“I still liked you first. You don’t even know.”

 

Sehun keeps saying those very same words. Luhan tries hard not to think too much of it.

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“We didn’t even follow the order. We were kissing before you even knew my name. Maybe we should slow down.” Sehun’s slur of words turns into a mutter as if he’s telling it to himself. It’s _endearing._ Sehun continues to mumble incoherent words that Luhan could not decipher despite having nearly no distance left between the two of them.

 

“Are you sure you want to slow down?” Luhan asks, interrupting Sehun’s monologue.

 

“I am.” Sehun says absentmindedly.

 

Luhan pulls back by a bit just enough to look Sehun in the eye, “I don’t think so.”

 

It is Luhan who initiates, and just when their lips were about to meet, he pulls back teasingly only to be caught in Sehun’s lips who leans in just enough to press his lips in his. _It’s too soon for this, make things clear first, don’t let him in that easily—It’s just right, worry about it tomorrow, let yourself enjoy this._ The conflict in Luhan’s head shuts down in favor of Sehun’s lips on his own. Luhan closes his eyes.

 

Maybe it’s not right, but only for tonight he’ll let himself drown in it.

 

They pull away only when they needed to breathe.

 

“I thought we were going to have my hair dyed?” Luhan asks, out of breath.

 

“Later.” Sehun says hastily, leaning in for another before Luhan dodges. His lips land on Luhan’s cheek instead and they both laugh at the situation.

 

Luhan smiles, “What happened to slowing down?”

 

“Fuck that.” Sehun says jokingly. He laughs, “Are there others I’m supposed to worry about?”

 

Luhan feigns thinking before he says, “There’s Kim Minseok.”

 

Sehun pouts in response. Before he could say anything, Luhan beams and says, “Just kidding.”

 

Sehun makes a face at him jokingly before grinning, but the grin Sehun had on his face is short-lived as his expression changes before he asks, “Who was that at the elevator?”

 

Luhan’s eyebrows furrow, who was Sehun talking about— _Oh._ Luhan almost forgot about it already. “I don’t know her. I bumped into her once at the elevator and she asked where the gym was.”

 

“I think she’s attracted to you. To be honest though, who isn’t? Even I am. That’s how attractive you are.” Sehun flatters him.

 

“Don’t be so cocky.” Luhan rolls his eyes, “And no, I’m not _that_ attractive.”

 

“You are to me.” Sehun coos, “Are you going to take her offer?”

 

“Offer?”

 

“To go to the gym?”

 

“Why are you even asking that?”

 

“No reason.” Sehun pouts, _endearing_ once again.

 

It’s pointless to ask but Luhan still does, “Do you want to work out together at the gym?”

 

Sehun slides his fingers in between Luhan’s light brown locks, “I don’t think we’ll be able to. You get paranoid when we’re out together.”

 

“It’s only right to be paranoid. One of us has to be the careful one. Clearly, that wouldn’t be you considering how you barely even try.”

 

“I’ll be careful from now on.” Sehun says it like it’s a promise. “You know we can be seen outside and people would think we’re just friends.”

 

Luhan’s face falls by just a bit, voice low he says, “You know that isn’t going to work.”

 

Sehun stops caressing his hair and pulls his hand back. Sehun is too touchy even in public. Luhan doesn’t exactly have the best reputation at his university. People will dig up rumors, and connect it somehow to form a new narrative. Luhan knows it’s going to happen. They’ll twist everything and choose to believe what’s interesting to believe given the material.

 

Sehun can’t get involved with someone like him. There’s too much that would ruin Sehun, ruin Luhan, ruin _everything._

 

Luhan can't take anymore guilt for being selfish and wanting to keep Sehun.

 

Sehun sighs, “I know. I just wanted to try and see if I can make you feel less paranoid. You were so tense a while ago.”

 

“I’m always tense,” Luhan gulps, he should try not to make it too obvious next time. “I’m sorry about that. It’s not your fault. Just be careful.”

 

“I know but,” Sehun closes his eyes for a few seconds before continuing, “It’s not your fault either. You don’t have to be sorry. Just… don’t blame yourself. I’ll be careful, really. Trust me, will you?”

 

Luhan’s phone vibrates, and like what he’s been doing the past few hours, he doesn’t pick up. Today is a day that may never happen again. Luhan will let himself have even this, even if it’s just one day.

 

This is what makes Luhan happy. Him, with Sehun, _together._

 

Is it so wrong, for Luhan to think he deserves to just let himself have this?

 

It’s not like of him to feel at ease like this. Good things don’t just happen in his life. It’s too good to be true.

 

Luhan’s phone vibrates once again, this time it vibrates more than just once, a call from an unknown number. Luhan doesn’t pick up. The messages and call logs in his phone are all set aside for him to see when he wakes up the next day.

 

What happens tomorrow?

 

***

 

They ended up on the bed but the both of them don’t initiate anything that may lead to sex. Luhan thought they would, and if he were to be honest he wouldn’t mind if Sehun would make a move and take him in that moment. But once they were left in nothing but their underwear, lips swollen from too much liplock and too little air to breathe, Sehun encages him in his arms. Luhan stretches his arms over Sehun’s waist and just savors in the touch.

 

Underneath the sheets, bare skin flushed with red come in contact against each other. With their limbs entangled together like vines intertwined, Luhan thinks that they’ve never been more intimate than they are now despite having done less innocent things in the past.

 

It’s scary how fast Luhan is letting himself accept that he’d rather have Sehun around than push him away.

 

Everything feels just alright. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing bad has happened.

 

That’s what scares Luhan. Nothing’s wrong _yet._ Nothing bad has happened _yet._

 

But it hasn’t even been a day, hasn’t even been twenty-four hours and yet it’s like time has slowed down making the wait insufferable. Maybe Luhan will lie awake at night thinking about what happens tomorrow. It’s all blank in his mind and the void makes his head hurt.

 

Luhan should stop thinking that something wrong’s going to happen, there’s another time for that.

 

Maybe tomorrow.

 

Luhan takes his head away from its position on Sehun’s neck and he’s greeted with the sight of Sehun sound asleep. Luhan repositions his head to lie on the pillow and just a few seconds with his eyes closed, fingers brush his fringe away before a featherlight kiss lands on his forehead. Sehun’s nose come in contact with his own not long after with hand rests on the back of Luhan’s head and it stays like that. Luhan doesn’t see it but he can feel Sehun’s lips lift up in a smile and just the thought of it fills his heart with so much warmth.

 

Maybe in a matter of minutes.

 

“We never got to dye your hair.” Sehun whispers, “Should we have it dyed now?”

 

Luhan doesn’t feel like answering, but he doesn’t want to ignore Sehun so he still answers, “I don’t mind. Didn’t we plan on having it dyed when we get here? What happened?”

 

Sehun thinks to himself before saying, “You kept on kissing me. I couldn’t resist.” he chuckles.

 

“That wasn’t just me. It was more you.”

 

“I can’t help it when you’re so hard to resist.”

 

_Stop being so cheesy._ Luhan whines, "Sehun-ah."

 

Sehun flinches and leans back to look at Luhan with his eyes wide open. Luhan blinks at him

 

“Sehun-ah?” Sehun grins, "Say it again, Lu. It feels good. When you call my name like that."

 

“Sehun-ah.” Luhan repeats, and Sehun bites back a smile from forming.

 

Sehun leans in once again until their noses are touching, “At this rate we’re never going to get your hair dyed.”

 

It seems like Sehun is more interested in dyeing his hair more than he does, “After this? In an hour, maybe?”

 

“We can do that.”

 

There is a pause, it lingers long enough for Luhan to believe that they were already going to sleep before Sehun breaks it.

 

“You know it’s going to be almost exactly a month since we met.” Sehun says.

 

Sehun wouldn’t bring this up without reason. Luhan contemplates feigning sleep but running away doesn’t seem like something he still wanted to do. Luhan replies, “Has it only been a month?”

 

“I mean…” Sehun stops himself mid-sentence, he purses his lips before speaking once again, “...yeah. It’s only been a month.”

 

“I know I said earlier that maybe we should slow down… I guess we can do that. But then maybe we can also…” Sehun pulls away from their position and Luhan could only stare as he sits himself up, closes his eyes, lips pursed. Once he opens them, everything feels different.

 

Sehun says, “I want to ask something.”

 

This doesn’t feel like a talk he can have lying down, so he sits up and tries to keep his voice steady. He stares right in front of him, the mirror on his study table in a distance reflects an image of the both of them sitting on the bed.

 

Luhan could see Sehun looking at him but does not look back, “Ask something?”

 

“Didn’t I say we were going to talk about us?” Sehun reminds him.

 

_Oh no._

 

“Let’s just… make things clear since tomorrow… I don’t know what happens tomorrow, to be honest. I turned off my phones so I don’t know if any of our managers have been calling me.” Sehun admits.

 

“What?” Luhan blurts out, “Turn them on now!”

 

“They said they’d let me have the day-off today. There’s really no reason to look for me.” Sehun reasons.

 

“Turn your phones on. You’ll get in trouble.”

 

“Jongin said he’ll take care of it. If anything happens, he knows where to find me. He went to look for you and get your number for me because I wasn’t allowed to go out.”

 

“And you won’t get in trouble?”

 

“I’ll still get in trouble. But I won’t be missing any schedule.” Sehun explains, as if that’s any better. “Honestly, I never missed a schedule. I was only late a few times. Management’s just really strict.”

 

Luhan is aware of that. It’s curious how Sehun even managed to meet up with him several times before. Their meetings were brief, but still, it was impossible that Sehun wasn’t getting in trouble. _Of course he’s getting himself in trouble. He’s getting himself in trouble because of you._ It is not a thought Luhan wanted to think of.

 

“And that will make it any better? Just please turn your phones on.” Luhan says. Sehun obliges, wordlessly taking his phones from the bedside table to switch them on.

 

Once he was done with that, they stay seated like that, Sehun on the left and Luhan on the right still looking away from each other. Maybe this isn’t a conversation they’re both ready to talk about. But one of them has to break the silence somehow, and it won’t be Luhan with the way his palms have started to sweat, hands shaking as his nails dig into his skin with disquiet.

 

So it is Sehun who does saying, “Let’s just… Let’s stop running in circles or beating around the bush, or biting back words we want to say. Let’s just talk about us.”

 

There’s no point in hiding anymore. Luhan asks, “What about us?”

 

“Who am I to you?”

 

“You’re…” Luhan’s mind’s gone blank. “Sehun?”

 

“No. I mean it like, what place do I have in your life? What are we?”

 

Luhan does not answer. Sehun sighs before speaking once again.

 

“Because to me… you’re…” Sehun bites back his lips, “You’re Luhan, too.”

 

He is Luhan, and he is Sehun. Those are the only things they’ve said and yet it already feels so heavy. Sehun didn’t seem like he could answer the question either, but why?

 

Luhan musters up the courage to ask, “What are we then, Sehun?”

 

Whatever happens at the end of the day will either make or break them, but Luhan doesn't want this to end. Maybe tomorrow isn't someday Luhan wants to live in. Today can just be today until whenever.

 

Can it just not end?

 

_But no._

 

“This kind of set-up…” Sehun drags out, he’s been pausing every few words or so and the wait is _killing_ Luhan. “It’s never going to work…” Luhan’s heart drops, was this it? He closes his eyes, but there was no running away from this.

 

“I don’t think there’s a point in hiding it anymore so,” Sehun sighs, “We both know I’m not supposed to be here… And I’m going to be away for awhile… I can’t tell you how long but…”

 

Decisions can change overnight. In a matter of minutes, maybe even in a split-second.

 

Some people dont lie, but then make you wish they should’ve just lied anyway. Some people could go knock at your door at night, talk about how much they love you, then hop on a plane the next day and never come back.

 

Luhan would know.

 

Luhan should’ve known better than to ask for honesty from Oh Sehun.

 

Sehun takes a deep breath before saying, “Luhan, do you trust me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (copied from aff) a/n: a lot has happened the past year, i haven't written anything much unfortunately due to a lot of reasons but i want to try again. if there is anything anyone still wants to know or be explained please do let me know in the comments so i know what to do to make sure the final addresses everything that needed explaining. if you are reading this if it’s alright and not too much to ask i want to know what u think of this fic hehe  thank you so much and i'm sorry for being so mia ;;;; i'm still here, do not worry. there's a lot i want to say but i should stop HAHA but if anyone wants to talk i'm on twitter (bazourexo) let's be friends there just introduce yourself first saying you're from here so i would know!! hehe i'll try to write as soon as i can but as you all know i'm not good with promises ;;;;;;


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